Grounding Myself

Mar 27th 2011 11:41am


A few reactions are going on within due to some events that took place yesterday. I my sister got kicked out of my fathers house from an argument that they had. I was thinking of a way to try and help her without her reacting with emotion, yet I could not. She was describing that she wanted to crawl into a whole and not face anything. Anyways I am about to go into a rant about her, but anyways I noticed that I was fearing her reaction and this was limiting me within saying anything, because I saw that anything I said would set her off. I was saying that when I had that feeling it was self-judgment and asked her a few more questions which lead to the answer self-judgment but she would not admit it. So I felt hopeless and went into backchat about…if you will not be self-honest then it is up to you then I will not help you. I became frustrated, which is simply showing me that I frustrate and dislike the fact that I am dishonest to myself and I do not like the fact that I will not admit things to myself and be self-honest to myself.

I forgive myself to accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people/beings for being dishonest with themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself for being dishonest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like myself.

So I mean yes if she isn’t willing to be self-honest than I simply cannot help her, I cannot assist her as she must actually assist her self by being honest with herself thus getting down to the actual self-created situation. But simply I can not do anything about this. I noticed that I wanted to and believed that I should help her with this, which is an ego point that I am now diffusing because I have to focus on myself first and not others and their processes. Simply I have to help myself first and be honest with myself.

And the second point is moving through ego. I realized that I have been using ego to push myself for the past week or so, and within this I fell meaning I went into a depression and sadness through having my ego shot down. And within this I have stopped applying myself as touch, and I noticed this this morning, that I have not been applying myself within touch. This I am using now for myself to keep myself here rather than going into the mind and using that to move myself. Yesterday I stopped applying myself this way and I allowed myself to move into desire and self-interest. I realized this as I noticed that I was not paying attention to myself. So I am again re-applying myself to touch and stopping the backchat of ego and superiority. I ground myself within touch, and within this I stop the ballooning of myself rising high into my sphere. And then I pop it through rising too high and I then ground myself lol. So I am keeping myself on the ground

Blossoming of Life, And Humanity + a Little Rant

Mar 24th 7:10pm 2011


I had coffee and some food with my dad today and got to speaking about desteni and an EMS. Ok so first point here is what is cool is that I speak money and the system mostly with my father, and the emotions and feelings side of the system with my mother. Anyways while talking to me dad I had many reactions come up within me. As we were talking about me going to Houston, he questioned about how many people would be going there. I said right now 5-6 but more are invited. He asked how many people were at the farm….5? in a sarcastic condescending tone. In this moment I shut myself down immediately. I noticed that he was purposely pushing my buttons to get a reaction out of me and noticed that he does and has done this many times to which I have previously reacted. This time I shut myself down. No reaction no movement of energy no thoughts other than he is pushing my buttons to get a reaction out of me….so I still have buttons I must remove those lol, and in that moment I became silent did not express anything and disregarded that comment and started new. It was a simple expression of myself not participating in that. LOL I noticed that he is oh so dishonest about himself and does not want to admit It, wants to still exist in his state of idealogical bliss, so I am going to stop participating in speaking to him about desteni, as he has many reactions to it….lol one reaction is asking him to drive me to the airport to go to Houston. He asked why, I said a Desteni NA meeting, he said “Oh God”… LOL. I brought this point up with him today, as I said that he is the only one left in the family who is still against me in desteni, manipulating him in that moment to support me lol, and he said no I am not against you to which I laughed, and stated the above comment he had made. Stating that comment changed his expression immediately because he noticed his dishonest actions in that moment…by and by I am grateful that he is driving me to the airport as I was half expecting him to refuse because it is in relation with desteni. Shows that he is not holding desteni against me and is still reacting to the idea of what it is. Ok so that was a lot about him. So I experienced where I could be directed within that situation of speaking to him and allowing my buttons to be pushed and I did not want to go there and become angry and frustrated. LOLOLOLL one part I enjoy in that conversation is talking about how much money a day he needs to survive, in relation to jobs. He was going on about having a different job and the amount of money he needs to live, saying that if he had this one job then it would be 300 and if he had his current job then it would be different. I was laughing so hard at this point because I saw a ridiculousness within it because in his current situation he should need the same amount of money to live no matter what job he has. I saw him scratch he back of his neck which was ego and noticed that through laughing I was hurting his ego lol I said sorry for laughing and he said yeah…god. I see this point now as funny too. And this shows me that I do not want my ego hurt, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my ego and beliefs of myself and fear being laughed at.

I understand that laughter comes from self, that in that moment I was laughing with myself, not at him, laughing at the ridiculousness that I saw in the situation, not at him.

Anyhow the awesome point here is that talking with him about money and equal money shows me my understanding and how fucked up money really is. I enjoy talking with him about money and equal money because my father construct which is about money is heavily within me so I can move on this point smoothly as we can relate to eachother easier, then talking about emotions and feelings. I am able to come to more of an understanding of money and the affects of money within this world through speaking on this point with my father. I am able to understand my understanding of an Equal money system through speaking about it with him which is very assisting.

We were talking about how money allows things to blossom, which I have seen as a very cool perspective on money. Meaning that if you place money into something say an electric car industry that industry will then blossom, become more relevant in `today’s world`. And the point here is that only companies have had money injected into them to blossom, so companies are the only thing that blossoms and companies only want more money = to keep themselves alive. We have created companies in the image and likeness of ourselves. I mean there is no money being injected into anything to blossom the living conditions. I mean war is the most funded aspect within the political agenda so this is showing what is going to blossom and continue to blossom. Lol I do not want to use the word blossom because war is not a flower. Hospitals are not funded properly so the support of life that they are there fore will degrade. So I mean what can we fund that will blossom life? The living conditions of life? For 1 and obvious reasons an Equal Money System, as the entire system will thus then support life. So I mean what exists in this world currently that is supporting life? What exists within this world currently that is not out of the want for more money? FUCK even humans are subject to this, so then the question occurs are we actually life, or just another fucking company, that runs on regulations and rules, and is subject to survival through money/energy? Are we life or just another cog in the machine of the entirety of the system? Well in this math we are machines, we are just another company as ourselves alone, only looking/caring out for our own survival LOLOOL we compete with eachother believing this to be beneficial for ourselves through making ourselves better LOLOL just like companies do, they create many sister companies under one parent company to compete with eachother to `better eachother` to make more money but in the end they all die, so why compete. It is senseless and it actually does not support progress. I mean you cannot compete, if you compete with another just because they exist, it does not matter whether you perceive yourself to be winning or losing, you are simply deceiving yourself from the fact that they are your sister, your brother, Made from the exact same genetic code = EQUAL. So yeah I mean even ourselves are not allowing ourselves to blossom into life, as we are only just another company looking for more money to `further/better` or survival not realizing that the ones who we are competing with are our equals.

Simply Support an Equal Money System, to show who you are as life and thus blossom, support this system and stay a machine, a company, and eventually wither away until you are left an empty building/body.

Writing Within Ego

Mar 21th 2011 5:27am


I have been allowing myself to participate within ego again. I was just participating in it this morning and fighting with myself to remove it until I realized that I am not it. I am not within my mind I am here. I feel disgusted that I have allowed myself to place myself within a more than role, it is something that does not need to be done and I do it because I `feel good` about myself for something that I have defined myself as. For example if I believe that I have written something `worthwhile` through that belief I make myself believe that I am of worth, and place myself in a position of some worth, if I do not write for a few days I then start to feel of no worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself of a measurement of worth

I cannot measure my worth

worth is an idea of the mind based on something defined as `valuable`

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stabilize myself here when writing

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself here while I write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write to value myself

When I write I place myself here feeling each key stroke to stabilize myself here within the physical.

I am not of the ego

I am not what I think I am

I am not this value and/or worth I have defined

This point bothers me as I get a feeling of disgust because I know that I have not honoured life.

I looked back at my writing from the day before about the suffering of an apple and I realized that it was out of ego, that it was resonating ego. I did not enjoy that realization because I know that I am not more than anything, I know that it really has of no worth or value. “So I have answered the question as I am equal to the apple as life as a being that can feel. “ Within those words…I re-wrote them on the blog post because I knew what I did…It obvious resonates a placement of being more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego.

This point I know is of ego because I was thinking about that for some time, believing it to be a good question, holding onto it to fuel my ego, and as I posted it to I was looking for a response. So all of those things I noticed yet did not `register` in a sense of exactly what I was doing so I allowed myself to post it not allowing myself to become aware of the fact that it was out of ego.

I stop allowing myself to post out of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write to be seen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write to share myself

I start here writing to share myself.

Equal Consideration for Acceptance from both Female and Male

Mar 3rd 2011 6:18am


I have been focusing primarily on the part of ego that I use to attract women and desire women and believe that if I do not have a women I am nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I do not have a female or a partner or a gir by myside that I am nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am nothing without a female by my side. I have been focusing on that aspect primarily and I have not taken on the point equally in males. Taking on the point of wanting to be one of the guys, wanting to be accepted by males to equally by females. This point has shown up yesterday when I was contemplating having a cigarette to fit in with my friend and move with/as him to fit in with him. I stopped and breathed, the thought still came around but I continued to breathe as I noticed that this was a fucked up point. So I am focusing now on both aspects equally, To then stand absolutely as myself without wavering. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit in with `the guys`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself to `fit in` with the guys. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone around both females and males. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing this opint around males. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate the situation using ego to have it go `my way` I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face this point equally within both females and males. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove all beliefs of as myself around both males and females and any `personality` unconditionally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not fitting in. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing and being alone.

I have compromised myself in this same situation before. I quit cigarettes for a week and I felt `strong` standing as that point, then I compromised myself as all of my friends were smoking and I wanted to become like them and fit in and become part of the `brotherhood`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a `brotherhood`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as a group of males we each stand for and as eachother protecting eachother with and as ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel `secure` within a group of males - `brotherhood`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for that security within a brotherhood so that I can be protected and protect all ego as one.

That is interesting. As one stands within a brotherhood they will all look out for one another as ego…if ones ego is attacked the group will move as one attacking the other. And If one stands up from the group they will also attack the stander, through trying to keep them locked within that same point…this is exactly like the family construct. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from security as myself. I forgive myself that I have not secured myself as myself standing as myself alone as the principle of equality and oneness, and what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to compromise myself through desiring to be within a brotherhood. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accepting myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be accepted within/as a brotherhood, thus not accepting myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that through wanting to be accepted into a brotherhood I am thus not accepting myself as myself standing alone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only stand as a group. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself to that I may relate with the group and then create a relationship within a brotherhood. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not a man if I cannot stand with/as other `men`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not a man if I do not have a girlfriend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be the idea of a man. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of what a `man` is. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be man to be all that exists, not to be a man, but to be man. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being man through defining myself as A man (male).

Within the Moment

Feb 12th 2011 5:54am


Time is how one can be within the moment. Each second be here each moment be here. Talking/typing here. When I write this I write from 5:54am. I am now at least. When I wrote before as these words are an example of how I write from memory, not from 5:55am. That is a cool perspective that I have not looked at before. In each moment of breath one equalized themselves with time. I write from now from here from/as breath. I do not look at the past and write I look at what is here within me and write. I see me. I cannot see myself entirely..but I am going on from knowledge and information of myself being sound, being a darkness. That is how I have extensively fucked with myself. Through knowledge and information. I think about my past knowledge and information, I place that knowledge and information into the current moment and live through/as the knowledge and information I have accessed. Sound is how I can tell whether or not I am here. If I can hear then I am here. If I cannot here then some corrections must be made…knowledge and information of being here = good. Simply, if I can’t hear then I am not here. I am somewhere else – thinking within my mind of something irrelevant because it is not here, I then become irrelevant, as I am not hear. I am not writing specifically from here, only within breath can I actually be here. The sound is key, when I hear sound I know I am not thinking. When I can hear all sound I can see in myself. I was hearing as I was looking within a want for a relationship, and it is only for sex, it is not a company thing nor a partnership thing only for sex. To be honest with myself in a relationship knowing and standing only for sex I am able to let all connections go. Because I am honest with myself. That is a positive Idea. So it is irrelevant. I am here typing with coffee, porridge, and toast to my left, These are the foods I and in the process of consuming. I was happy with myself for creating the porridge, a form of pride. I made porridge that has strawberries, blueberries, grapes, and a banana in it. I thought that this is a `good` meal so I created pride and happiness with myself for `creating` this meal. I read this over. It seems relevant, the idea of it is jibberish – meaning bullshit talk. I do not explain myself. I understand myself. That is all. I do not need to explain, should I explain myself. If I want to be understood possibly. But others understanding of me is irrelevant to who I am within the moment. I do not need to explain, if an explanation is wanted then I can give, but it is never a need. So for now this is only for me. I understand me as I write me. I am thinking of something to write. I am allowing ideas to pop up into my head through memory. I did not know what to write. I thought of something to write and second guessed myself. I thought it and did not immediately type it. I hesitated within thinking is this `good enough` towrite? Is it worth while to write that out. Will I bee seen as positivity if I write this? The whole Idea of positivity and wanting to be positive is something that I allow myself to fuck myself with. I think that positivity is wanted in any and every moment, and to `achieve` that is godlike. Trying to be godlike. I strive then for to be positive or seen as positive in every moment. As I have done this I have created the opposite side of this within my secret mind. Which I see and is completely disgusting. That which I think is completely ugly. I have tried to avoid it and place all the happiness up front so that I can be conscious of it, and then I suppress all of the ugliness within me. So writing and bringing that up is the best thing for one to do.

Reaction Towards Looking out for Only Myself and Not the group

Reaction towards Being a light-worker an agreeer and a knowledge person who Only cares about myself and not the entire group…

I must focus on me as life as all, and focus on what is best for ALL, Ok so now this point is relevant…Me focusing only on my life. My life is fucking fine!, I am rich, I have internet access I have food, I have everything that I need to live and more, yet I am still looking for more, wanting more money so that I can support myself better…For instance I am waiting until I have enough money to get internet, to support an EMS. I am waiting for me to have enough money, so that I can always have a basis of 3000 in my account out of fear of losing my job…which has become relevant right now, but nevermind. I am waiting to save money so that if anything happens I have a support so that I do not need to find money immediately..I will but I mean within the context of the exact moment. So I have been putting off and only saving for myself and not wanting to spend money at all, so that I can save to survive. Wow all ego, So If I have all that I need why not give now? I do not see any more point in collecting more and more and more money if I am not going to invest it and use it properly. So I have only been focusing on myself within my application of my money, that I do not give to others what I would like to receive which is consideration for myself as life. And I can invest in EMS and Desteni to give consideration to that life because I support something that does consider what is best for ALL. I am going to do this but I would not like to be so focused on myself…and not so full of myself, The problem is that I do not care about myself thus not caring about others.


I have only been focused on my own life, and how to establish a position for me that I am completely stable within as I fear the instability of this world…how it can drop out from you if you do not direct every moment. Just like now My might get laid off from my job that would provide benefits in 1 ½ years. So this was unpredictable and I am not back to again not being stable and worrying about the future of my income, and how to support myself effectively. I feel that I am too focused on my life and not myself as life, and trying to be grand in life, trying to make my life grand rather than living…the feel, I feel like I am doing an injustice to all that suffer by only focusing on my life, but I must place myself in a position that I can support others, and I must support myself first, so that I am able to support others, and to support myself first would to first focus on my life.

Still only focusing on myself and not the group, I am still focusing on ego and supporting myself as ego. Just like how I become happy within believing that I am effective and supportive within my application of myself. It is still about me, So I removed being happy through believing I am effective, I will share and not hope or wish my words to be effective or supportive, they may and may not, it is a learning process, as well that it does not matter, If I think I can help then I will. Not for happiness, not for myown beliefs but so that their experience becomes easier, or there is insight into it. Not for an energetic experience of myself….when This reaction occurs since I have written about it I have stopped it.

Reading Matti’s post on facebook, yes it is true that one has to make money to establish self appropriately within the world to support all life. I have not seen effort in me to look at the whole, there are times when I have and do look at the whole, but for the most part I have been focusing on me and worrying about my application and involved in ego. I see this because I have been writing and vlogging from ego, to support my belief of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support/entertain a thought/belief of myself as being `good`. I focus majorly on my own life, and I rarely am caring about anyone elses, and seeing myself as better, trying to be better. I am still playing a game of popularity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for focusing on my life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on myself as ego. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support ego, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to all life living on this planet, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only correct myself and that takes me looking at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write from the starting point of ego.

Work and an EX

I am experiencing extreme frustration right now, or well it has subsided a bit now that I have sat down and started to write. During work I was lost in my mind, To a total extent, I mean really fucking lost, I experienced the same stress as before but was now aware of how lost I am within my mind while working…this only exists while I work. What happened was that I was smiling and not minding work as I had to expectations of what work will be like, I knew what it would be LIKE but not specifically. So I was prepared for what I knew….So everything was going smoothly, I was prepared and not stressed out about having to do this or that…I then talked to one of my former teachers, and told him I liked his class and that he was a fearless man, as he `geeked` out most of the time and it takes guts to do that. I was planning to do that for a while as I kept on seeing him at both of my jobs and wanted to share that with him because I was an ass in his class, I was a disturbance and ego within that class, so I wanted to share that with him because I was a fool within his class like it was my repentance, so even the act of sharing that with him was for ego, as it was planned out. So after I said that I went back to work, and I kept on replaying it over and over and was trying to stop, but I couldn’t…I was feeding my ego within that moment, and analyzing my actions so that I would be able to define myself. This wasn’t too bad I was able to stop it periodically and just needed to focus, after this my ex-girlfriend came by with her boyfriend, and I have been blocked and removed from her life and completely ignored as I have walked past her before and seen her at work before, so I know that she ignores me, as well as her boyfriend as I knew him too. This is what got to me…them ignoring me entirely, and snickering as well…my left scapula s twitching as I am writing this out. I then allowed myself to go into defence of my EGO! Ok in believing that I need repect and attention, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require attention. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my ego. Defending my ego in that I feel inferior to her, and that I believe that I should not be ignored as life, and that I would like to be recognized by her, and say hello to humane. But that is not the way it is…I defended myself with looking at my life and believing myselfto be better than her…trying to make myself believe that Iam better than her by doing process and involving myself within desteni…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fact that I participate in desteni as a superior point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior than others who do not participate in desteni. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see equality in life…The fact is is that I was giving her special attention…as her being my EX and not seeing her as another piece of life. I saw her as being significant as I am sure that many people who walk by me daily will laugh and judge me yet I do not care, it is only because of the fact that I dated her, felt emotions with her that I obviously have not dealt with yet. The emotions are being `in love` with her, I felt love for her..I thought that was love and I am still holding on the that desire for love, and I `had` it with her, although I disliked most of the time we spent together, It must be because I had someone to be there by my side and I was open with, and now I am being ignored like I do not exist and that openness is gone now…again it is because I was open with HER and not everyone…not open with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to believe that my ex-girlfriend has a significance in mylife. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a significance of my Ex-girlfriend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the idea of love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love brings me happiness. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of my ex-girlfriend. I am equal to her…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inferior to her. I let go of this now, it is irrelevant to myself as life, it still infects my life, but the dis-ease will disappear, as I start to not care what she thinks of me or care about the relationship we have now. I went through a lot of hate and anger during work over holding onto that, and letting it fester within me. I was thinking about smoking to get out of my mind as I was completely stuck in it until Icould write, so that is just another point that I had to move through, I am sure that it will come up again, as a test and kep testing me until I stop the anger stress and beliefs that a cigarette will cure that and until I can get myself out of my mind. Anyways that shit doesn’t matter and I do not know it it is just ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what my ex-grlfriend thinks of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what other people think about me. This is going to go, I am not going to allow a belief, idea of her to control me, I am not going to allow that idea to exist within/as me. I am not going to allow this inferior bullshit to run me scared.

I have am writing more about me and work, and will post it soon.

Ego

Myself writing as Ego. I have noticed that I write as ego, that when Iwrite I see that I use the word I a lot….I am not writing ego out I am only supporting it by writing as it….That is what I believe lol, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write based on beliefs of who I am.


Ok so Through reading a short bit of my writing a sentence or two, I notice that the words that I use are egotistical, in the sense that I write through/as a belief of who I am and not as life as who I am. I am trying to convince myself or others that I am here for life within my writings…I am, but I am existing through a belief of me being here for life, not as a knowledge. I should be here for myself as life, I am here right now for other life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do this process for myself as life I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `prove` that I am standing for life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my words be the proof that I am standing for life. In my words, It is all about a belief that I am ego. It is not coming from a starting point of self-honesty. I was writing to try and become something. I have been writing to try and achieve something, and this is all within/as ego. I think about a thought to write about before I write and that is how the ego comes out in my writing. It is interesting as I saw my writing as `negative` and something that is not supporting life. I was not supporting life with my writings, only sharing myself as ego. I was doing nothing but putting words down in a order of what I believed they should be in to promote an idea of myself…again. I am sure that this is why I have been fearing desteni members seeing my deceit, and why I have been fearing my posts. This had to come out in one way or another. Breathing while writing is how myself as life comes out. It seems as though that I cannot escape ego, as the starting point for this was Avery’s words and how he uses them in comparison to mine. Hmm I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my words with anothers. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself as value within/as my own words. I judged myself on my own words. I judged them as being less than anothers words. My self as life in/as words should support life. I am still in the process of looking at all of my deceit. My words do not support life, as far as I can tell within them all of my words are me as ego. . “Within today I have been not caring a lot, I have not been feeling much, my breath application has fallen behind today as I have been escaping a lot from here as reality” lol now I do not see the ego. Here is Ego, “I fear being alone, I must face this though, and place myself being alone. I am going to place myself being alone and remove that last friend…I am thinking about Bernard’s words of the friend(s) that you see as good are your evil. I knew this before and have been reluctant to remove this friend from my life as I saw him as a `better` than the rest friend” that is the deceit that I am talking about. When I write there I am speculating about what I must do and something to support that belief of what I must do. I feel disgusted when I read that. I do not write supporting myself as life but as ego and what I `must` become. My starting point when writing was to create proof through writing and to support an idea of me. I forgive myselffor accepting and allowing myself to support and idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea.

Reactions to believing myself to be effective or Ineffective

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that I am being effective. When I posted on the forum to Stave trying to assist him I was very insecure with the words that I was using, I was thinking about whether or not my words are effective or not within/as assisting Stave,. I was worried that I would fuck with him or that I would be seen as other destonians as deceiving, I have had this reaction a lot. It comes from not trusting myself, I am not sure with my effectiveness of/as myself to assist and support another, so when I try and support someone I am very insecure and fearful that my words will be fucked up. So then when I believe my words to be effective and I trust my words I become happy, all of this shit must stop and I am stopping it. Creating happiness or sadness around my words stops me from seeing and living as my words. Like when I would feel the physical and be happy I make it something that it isn’t. This point is still supporting my ego of wanting to be good/special/significant/benevolent. I support my own ego with this, it is not the point that supports it it is me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my ego in believing myself to be effective, thus supporting the idea that I am helpful/nice/positive/benevolent/good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be benevolent/nice/good/happy/positive. I forgive myself that I have addicted myself to positive energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to define myself as benevolent/good/positive for the idea that if I define it I become it and then I can forever be benevolent. What happens when I post something is I become happy in believing that I have supported the person with my words thus allowing myself to believe that I am supportive and have achieved my `goal`. Or I become worried that my words have been insufficient in supporting the other person, that I have not achieved my goal of helping another. So I have a want to help another…I am not going to try and help another until I know that I am stable in my movement, in my words, in my actions that I know that each and every movement I can do what is best for all within that moment. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for all in every moment. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what is best for all in every moment. So I will not try to support another as it I am supporting my ego…If I know that I can through lived experience I will, If I am trying to for ego I will stop and remove myself from that situation. I still have the savior syndrome within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a belief that if I can save people than I will be respected. I no longer accept this within me. I am breath, I am not a savior, I cannot save anyone they must do that for themselves. I can only support myself right now, I can only exist for myself.


AS well when I posted on Ingrid’s blog I got happy and excited and kept on replaying the words I wrote in my head supporting this belief of helping and supporting her with my words, believing that I can actually support another, and I am not longer `useless`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am useless if I cannot support another being. Within this I used an experience that I could relate and was happy and glad and excited that I could do so. Within this I become happy within the belief that I have assisted someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I help people . I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only the person can help themselves through insight. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helping people with my words.I half assed this writing and do not think it is very effective in writing myself out. I will post this anyways,

Fearing a Post

I am fearful of my post being seen. I was on the forum and afraid to look at my post to see if anyone has commented on it yet. I was afraid because I was judging myself as inFEARior, as I had a lot of fear. I posted a vlog about an idea of how to start to move the world in a direction to our favour, at the time I thought that this was a good idea and that I want people to see me, I did not write this out then so here is stagnant energy coming through as fear. As well there is this whole persona of I have found the way…I know that I am in the direction that I must move in…all ideas and beliefs and thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am on the path to where I need to be, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of where I need to be. I forgivemyself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be somewhere. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold up an idea about myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I really am as deception. What just happened is that I was looking at the equality equation of my actions and noticed that it was completely done in ego. That if I were to continue this then I would not be open and honest in every moment. I am justifying it through beliefs. This is going to stop. I am not a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be an idea of a benevolent being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in the moment and stop.

I see this thought process as a virus. It cannot continue. Within this belief of myself being a benevolent being I allowed myself to judge others harshly, I compared myself in trying to maintain the superiority. Again I did this because I was believing that I was on some path to being in the physical…not directing myself…and if I am on this path that I will continuously be on this path. So what happened when I looked at my post on the forum is that I completely feared being exposed in that moment, I had this idea of trying to climb into the computer to remove it…like no one can see this…but this is the epitome of what I have become. So all must see this and I must expose this. What I have become is trying to find ways to create a perception of myself as benevolent, and this has been coming through as ideas. Now when I posted this I was justifying it with the thought of this is a good idea. I was sitting in this thought and playing it over and over and over thus allowing myself to stimulate my ego.

I have just read the comment left be Adele and was trying to figure out whether “wow…” was meaning wow it was inspirational or wow that was delusional…both parts of a system. Those thoughts are only what I think. Looking at this I could have posted this and not thought a damn thing about it, but thinking about it being good and this idea being `good` only allowed me to exist as a system, thus having to go to the other end of the polarity. The starting point of posting this was of an idea…believing that idea to be `good`, and wanting to share this idea…I have defined myself by/as that idea and thus defining myself as good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as breath as the physical, as life, stopping all polarity of good and bad, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop all ideas of good and bad. It does not matter what this video is perceived as, this video is. It is no idea, it is neither good nor bad it is, It is myself showing myself....as well...now as I am about to post this, the video will have more of a chance to be seen and thus again I was both fearful, as well as hoping that it will be seen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this video is bad...

Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.


Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.

Exposing Deception

The deception that I am directing in this moment to no longer fear is an ego point. Everytime someone has posted comments on my youtube channel or my blod or facebook I become smiley and happy with the thought that someone has noticed me for being what I wanted to be = an activist. I am within this deception of who I am as life.

I enjoy believing myself to be an activist. Which I am not. I am life here. Within this I become confident in my actions and happy believing myself to be effective through validation of what I believe myself to be via others comments. Within this I have been participating in desteni form an alterior motive starting point other then self honesty. It has been a starting point of trying to prove that I am something and doing something. This shows up in a lot of my actions...my anger towards people's comments of this is the way it is and there is no point in trying to change it. I get angry in this because as I have defined myself as an activist, I try and stand up and prove myself as being an activist for this world within and as my anger.

I am exposing this point because I can see this biting me in the ass. I am exposing this because this belief has stopped me from participating in my reality freely...free from ego. This belief, would have stopped me from participating in desteni freely...I would only choose to expose certain things, from seeing what others have typed....meaning that I would only move within a point if someone has moved already within that point. So that I have a belief basis in how to use the words and to use my actions. This showed up to me in my first vlog post. I said that I had a lot of reactions because I saw others saying this same point...looking at it I made myself believe that I had a lot of reactions when there really was none. I said this because others have gone before me saying the same thing. So I could become a copycat of what they were saying and believing them to be stable I would then project myself as `stable`. There is a large fear within me of being kicked out of desteni, resulting from this point of being a copycat and not living for and as myself...that is why I am here now typing this out because I will no longer participate in that.

To put this into perspective in the banksy movie, the main person that they were documenting was a person who only video taped everything and gained knowledge of how to move around in the underground graffitti movement. He then started to do the same things that he learned from others. He started to make his own stencils from no orginality, his origin was not from himself. His orgin was from how he saw others and how he could obtain that by doing exactly the same thing. He then put on a gallery in which he only wanted publicity...that was his priority. I have a large fear to him and his actions because I saw that as me and I saw that as how I have been. I connect the dots only now. Connect the points. I have defined this as being a leech. And that is how I see myself as being a leech off of others words and actions so that I could stand as I saw them = being stable. What the person in the movie did was ruin the underground graffitti movement by making it mainstream and `selling out` because he made millions off of shit that he threw together. This is what I see myself potentially doing in that I hae obviously misled myself in using the desteni material within becoming SELF and not others....not conforming. So who am I within my participation in desteni...a leec. Using other peoples words and actions calling them my own.

No wonder I have lost myself...I have become everyone that has been in my environment. Within this I have not been living what is best for all but what is best for me as personality as ego, as what I want myself to believe that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COPY others words and actions and use them as my own to establish a belief for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation from others for my own beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in my participation in what is best for all by masking it in doing what is `best` for me as ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself participating as myself in what is best for em as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy others actions so that I can project myself as stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy other actions and words so that I can decieve others into believing what I want them to believe as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in trying to be something that  I believe I want to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be an activist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being an activist as a benificial things - benevolent thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I see and like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do what I like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in likes form a mind starting point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I like. To rephrase that...I hae become that which I see and like. If I see someone wearing skinny jeans and I like that I now leech off of them and buy a pair of skinny jeans so that I can become them. That is what has happened in my participation in desteni. The starting point is to become superior to become like not to many have been. To become like bernard. To become a portal, to become something that I see and like, from becoming a perspective from and as the mind/ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in desteni as myself as life for the purpose of solving this situation on Earth. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become life as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a projection of what I like.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live myself as life as all = equally.

Again I have been writing this down because I am no longer standing as the fear of myself in who I have become. I will no longer accept the fear of fucking up desteni by not living the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. I no longer accept the fear of who I am = allowing it to limit my expression.