Responbile for all that exists

My perception of self-responsibility was that of only being responsible for my actions, but it is not. It is not only what I accept and allow within and as my actions, but it is a realization that coming to Earth I have accepted and allowed everything that is here. I accepted and allowed aging to exist, I accepted and allowed death to exist, I accepted and allowed the polarity of life and death to exist. I accepted and allowed the systematic construction of nature. I accepted and allowed

Through coming to this Earth I have inherently accepted everything that is here. I accepted the design of the trees, I accepted that the human must eat to survive, I accepted the electronics industry, I accepted that children will be bombed, I accepted that war is within the Human Nature I accepted the human nature in its entirety.

I have thought that I was susceptible to the physical, that it creates itself. That I am here and subject to the physical and its whims. I did not realize that I accepted and allowed and am thus responsible for all that is here within/as the physical. I got this belief from our accepted and allowed beliefs of what being a human is, thus our beliefs of what a human is is not in fact truth.

The point of taking responsibility for all things here is a massive point to deal with. Because I must then ask the question, is what is here best for all, is aging best for all, is the purpose of eating best for all, is the design of legs best for all, is the design of trees best for all, are animals best for all, is the design of the soil best for all. Looking at these points and realizing that I accepted it as what it is means that I am equally responsible through acceptance for what is here. Thus I am responsible for what is here. All beings on this Earth are responsible for this Earth through being here on this Earth, and the point that I did not look at before was the point of EVERYTHING. Eating, shitting, breathing, the eyes, the animals, the way animals live, the way humans live, capitalism, products, the polarity here, the timeloops and cycles here ,the weather, the nature, the ships, the cargo, the past, the present, everything that is here I am responsible through accepting MYSELF as here.

I believed that the physical, the design of the physical was set in stone, I thought that the physical would never be able to change its  ways, thus me as the physical, I believe that I am never to change my ways, I believed that who I am has been set in stone when in fact change is possible. Change is absolutely achievable, and if I am able to change who I am then the physical, nature, animals are able to change who they are. I am still limited by my participation within the mind, thus I am only able to change who I am within the mind…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am limited to the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the physical is not able to change, that the nature of the physical is not able to change and within that accept the belief that human nature is not able to change when in fact it is clear that it is able to change through the examples of Bernard Poolman, of Sunette Spies, of all that have changed their ways, of all that has shown change is absolutely possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am subject ot the physical, that  am here as a human only as a cell within the whole, subject to the workings of the whole, not able to change the whole.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that we must stand as the whole to make a substantial effort in changing the physical, that we as all as the whole must stand as one dedicating the same amount of effort to change this reality, as we have all dedicated the same amount of effort to accept reality as it is.

Through the belief that I am subject ot the physical I have abdicated self-responsibility for myself here within the physical. I believed that I am subject to the whole, not realizing that I am equally creating the whole as myself, and if I make a change within myself I can influence and infect the whole, so if I make a change for what is best for all I infect, influence the whole within what is best for all, then the whole is thus able to decide and realize what it is doing in fact as well, and decide to make that change for what is best for the whole/ALL as well.

I realize that as a cell within the whole I am only able to change myself but through changing myself I am able to infect, influence all others within the whole to get them to  change as well, thus not accepting what is here any longer and abdicate self-responsibility for being the creators of EVERYTHING that is here .

I am not subject to the physical, I am here as the physical able to change myself, first I must move through who I am within the mind to change myself as who I am as the physical.

I am a cell within the whole of the physical, I am able to change myself and influence others and stand with/as others to move the whole to change this reality into what is best for all.

Facing the Entirity of Myself

A Question was asked of me if I had participated in one of the Private forum Chats. I had said no as there was a resistance to Facing Bernard...myself. She said that she had the same resistance but it was only her seeing the entirity of herself in the form of Bernard. So the question is if I can see myself and the entirity of myself why do I not forgive it and move past it. Why do I fear facing myself?...there is a resistance to posting this so moving past it....How come I am allowing myself to exist dishonestly? How am I allowing myself to exist dishonestly?

Pets and an EMS and Suffering

Mar 20th 2011 7:14pm


I enjoy writing and moving myself within process. I simply want to enjoy myself writing right now, I simply am allowing myself to write whatever comes. I have been again playing video games, and focusing a bit more on that. I realize that I can pay attention to videos a bit easier when I am distracted. Meaning that I can hear the words easier, as I tend to backchat while I am listening and trying to focus on the words and not my interpretation of the words. I would like a goal right now, I am wanting to do something. I do not want to sit here thinking. I am looking at what I can do that would be any worth right now and I see writing myself as having some worth. So what would I like to write about. Lets just take on something simple. Owning pets and an Equal Money system.

Owning pets will not be an issue. I heard a story of a person throwing kittens out of his car window because he did not want to take responsibility for them, and that is a solution?! It is not a solution. As I have said destruction is not a solution, it only makes things worse. This person wanted to destroy the cats, destroy his responsibility to the cats, and destroy himself. He decided to throw them out of his car while driving to `get rid` of the problem, but this created suffering within the cats as they got hit by cars, and now police are looking for him. So really he did destroy life, and destroy himself in the process for not taking responsibility for this. Many people love cats, and there are many ways to place them for adoption for free, yet this person decided to kill them, most likely because of money as it surrounds every point within existence right now. The food, the dishes, the litter, etc, So in an EMS this will not need to happen. As ALL life will be supported on Earth. In this case he will be provided money to feed the cats and take care of them or they would be found a place to live, and not sentenced to death like this after a few months on Earth.

Mar 20th 2011 8:56

A question that I have been asking myself for a few days now is where does the suffering end? Looking at an apple which is life, and that can feel because I can feel it, when I cut it with a knife it must feel that, may not hear the pain, hear the scream from the apple, but everything can feel, this keyboard can feel me as I feel it. To think that humans are the only things that has the sense of touch is ridiculous. So I ask the question where does the suffering end for the apple. Does it end when it is picked off the tree. I say no because it can still rot. And from my understanding it is suffering the entire time at the grocery store, because once you take that bite into it will decay quicker than without a bite, so I say that it is still alive until it completely dies like a human body, If you cut a slice out of me I will still be alive for a while until I lose blood, and die and rot. So I was questioning if the suffering ended somewhere or if it could still feel as it is being digested…if I was eaten bit by bit then I would simply die before I hit the stomach, but if I was eaten whole then I would feel being digested and would suffer in the stomach. So I have answered the question with myself.

Pushing through Resistances - Wanting Destruction

Mar 20th 2011 1:21pm


I did have a resistance to writing when I woke up. I had a resistance because I slept 13 hours. I simply let myself sleep that amount of time because I do have anything to do right in that moment. I have noticed that I do this more frequently at my moms, I have been sleeping until the last minute, and neglecting to do my insulin on a schedule. I start to give up on myself here, and allow the pre-programming to take control instead of taking control of myself. I do not necessarily have a resistance to writing but I have a resistance to applying myself of taking that breath and looking inward at myself in what I am currently. There is a resistance to watching videos, that will expose a point within me that I then judge myself for and push myself to work through. I realize that the judgment is of no affect and does truly only impede on my physical expression, meaning that if I have a thought of judgment I will go into a inferior position and not speak much and look for others to console me. I noticed that today when I picked up my mom…I was judging myself for sleeping that much and I stopped that judgment as I noticed that I had a expression on myself of inferiority. The resistance is gone. There was really nothing to resist. The only point that I see within this is the resistance because I have judged myself. I judged myself as being inferior for allowing myself to sleep, and thus I did not want to face that point as I saw that I gave myself up to something and did not push myself through, and I did not want to expose that point = write it out, post it. So there is no resistance now because, simply there is no more judgment of myself. I am here pushing myself within writing I am still applying myself within reading so that I can analyze things a bit better than seeing what I want to see, hearing what I want to hear…this is cool though as it directly shows me me. I mean as I have been watching the news on Japan I have been directed and stimulated by destructive words, by hopeless situations, so I am still holding onto that want of the world to crumble, of the situation now to be destroyed, but through participating in desteni I have realized that this is not the solution nor what is best for all. If this Nuclear situation gets worse and affects all of Japan that is not what is best for all life, it is not best for all of humanity…maybe it will allow us to see the error of our ways, and possibly give us the motivation to stop and take a look at the consequences of our actions. But that is beside the point, the point within me is the fact that I am still hoping for the destruction of humanity, still blaming humanity for everything that is here, separating myself from humanity. I am equally responsible for what is here, we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of humanity to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself towards destructive words, to destructive scenarios, to `negative` things.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is best for all

Seeing what is best for all is one thing and the reality is another, meaning that the nuclear plant is fucking up…not much I can do about it right now, but what is best for all is not hoping that is will stop and all will be better, it is not allowing this to happen again by changing the world, as well I will look at the reality, not again hoping for destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attracted to destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want there to be no hope for humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all humans

I Realize that hoping for the destruction of humanity does not solve the problem

I realize that doing what is best for all does not include hoping

I stop looking for the destruction of humanity

I am not separate from humanity

I stop myself from hoping

I realize that changing humanities ways is the solution, and within that I must change my ways, so therefore I must change the want for destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of the Earth

I forgive myself for acceting and allowing myself to see destruction as a solution

within the want for destruction, it is only a want to avoid responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed on this Earth and not actually a solution

The solution is to make sure that humanity will never bring this hell around again.

the solution is to remove the hell from me.

All one Vs To get Her

Feb 21st 9:15pm 2011


Being All one vs Being Out ToGetHer

Being Alone and realizing and accepting that I walk this process alone for me as all as life is reality is what is real is what will work and stand the test of time as myself. Being out to get her, out to be together with another will never stand the test of time as I will then always be looking and never realize that I stand as all as one, All One. Within together, I look for another being to hold onto in which I place an idea of myself of `together` with another being in which it will never stand the test of time as within death we separate, so being together is an absolute lie to myself, and I deceive myself within believing that I am together with someone and that I have company and that I am not alone. In reality yes I am not alone yet I am alone, as I am the only one responsible for myself. I am not physically alone but I must stand alone in each moment as All One, to realize myself as equal to all live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider the human in/as existence. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider all life within/as existence.

Being together means that I am searching = To Get Her. Wanting another to `complete` me not realizing that I am complete as myself alone as All One, as one as myself. I am dishonest within searching outside of myself for anything as standing Alone means that I am All One, as all as life meaning that everything does not exist outside of me as life as All one, standing alone as me as life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search outside of myself for `completion` of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am complete as myself alone. This does not mean that I am perfect in any way, I must live myself alone and realize that I am All one, and stand as the principles of myself as equality and actually live equality firstly to then understand even the concept of perfection of myself alone as all one. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone as all one of a group as everyone as the group thus looking out for the group as myself alone as all one as the group. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for another as myself not realizing that I am the other as myself and the other is me as them, thus not needing to search outside of myself, only needing to realize that I am them as myself in equality and oneness as we both will stand alone. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone as all one as life as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write this with others in mind and not standing alone as me as all one standing as me knowing that writing this for myself alone means that I write this for all as one. That is neat.

Pattern of Sleeping

Feb 21st 12:20pm 2011


I woke up this morning from 5 hours of sleep I got up pissed and layed down by the fire with my cat and slept some more. I knew that once I layed down that I was quite likely to sleep again which I did not want to do yet I took no action towards it. I ended up sleeping for roughly an hour by the fire and when I woke up I decided that since I slept there I was going to sleep more…since I fell there I will fall more. I find it hard to stand up from falling in this context, I say I will but the action are not there. The thoughts are there yet no actions. This needs to be solved. I acted upon the though `If I have fallen what could hurt if I fell further?` So I did. I allowed myself to sleep 12 hours. I have been allowing this to happen for a few days now. There is a point in this as well where I know that I can move and stay up…after I woke up from sleeping by the fire, I layed down on the couch and remembered that I was going t stretch in the mornings to assist me to wake up. I did not act on that thought, so really I want to sleep. The reality of the situation is I get up feel tired and `decide` to sleep purposefully. I then feel guilty about this for letting myself down and not waking myself up when I know I can. I deliberately ignore or participate in the thoughts that will lead me to more sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself thinking that I am going to stop sleeping 12 hours.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself in realizing that I purposefully act to sleep 12 hours to escape reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sleep to escape reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within standing up within sleeping 4-6 hours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself believing that I am going to stand up

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within reality when this point occurs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind thinking about the problem and solution while not taking responsibility within my actions, allowing myself to fall into patterns of myself.

Self-corrective application here is to take responsibility for myself within these moments and applying myself as responsibility for getting myself up and waking myself up and not allowing myself to further place myself within the mind acting on the feeling of being tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully sleep allowing myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility and act on the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility by ignoring the solution as myself and hoping that it will all magically happen

A Smile, Sm(LIE)

I Smile When I meet strangers, I smile to place a perception of myself as positive, and accepting of the other. I am dishonest to myself in this moment. I am not happt to meet the other person, I want to seem like I am. so I lie to myself with a smile. I lie to myself by smiling making myself believe that I am positive within that moment. I make myself believe that I am positive, so I put on a lie of myself as a smile.

When I meet someone I usually start with a smile and a hello, greeting them and putting off an expression of acceptance of them, where in I am mostly judging or comparing myself to them. I smile at strangers so that I see myself as positive and accepting of them which is not the reality of me. The reality is that I am subjective of who I allow within my reality, and that I will not simply accept anyone, so I lie to myself with a smile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself by smiling at people, making myself believe that I am a positive being.

Many people do this. I notice at work whenever co-workers meet we will smile and say hello, each and every time, this happens thousands of times. Happiness and a smile are usually lies to ourselves. Rarely have I ever been genuinely happy. I mostly use a smile and happiness within energetics to place myself within the positive polarity to make myself happy and forget that this world is dying and I am responsible for it. I smile to show acceptance, yet it is all a lie, it is a want of acceptance from myself to myself. That I desire to accept myself through another's opinion of myself through a smile back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require anothers opinion of myself to stand on.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand for myself in each moment.
I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as myself free from opinion and judgment of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply stand for/by myself.

As well this happens within a friendship. Most friendships are started this way which is through a smile and a positive greeting etc. Therefore all friendships are deceptive in nature. Therefore all friendships are dishonest. When in a friendship I will follow along with all others. I will place myself as one as a group, not one within a group. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself within a group.

My friendships have always started with a polarity as a smile. I then allow myself to believe that I will be happy being around this person...which is definately not true in anyway, and is only deceptive unto myself. We all search and give off that shit. Within and as a lie as a smile.

Depression, judgment

I woke up this morning depressed. I got up and started to hate myself for allowing myself to become reliant on another being for support for happiness. I got up and checked out the sites and started to judge myself for allowing myself to feel depressed for not getting the happiness I desired/wanted. And I started to hate myself for this. The entire time I felt completely hopeless in as process. Like I have gotten nowhere. Like all my effort has led to nothing. That I am still everything that I was, I have only been ignoring it and blocking it within me. I am trying to find a quick-fix solution to all of these `problems` through my mind. I watched Bernards video response and the last one, I feared extensively, as well as this one. The same point opened up which was me judging myself and feeling worthless because I believe that I cannot change, believe that I haven’t changed. I have an urge to let go and give up entirely and just fuck off with myself. As though I am worthless. That I have nothing to give this world…I don’t I only have to give to myself. And the best present is presence. Simply. All of this worthlessness comes from projecting myself, an idea of myself, a belief of myself which is not real. Simply I have been trying to be something that I am not.


I ended up sleeping to not face this issue. It was unappealing. I slept through it, so now I will most likely time-loop and face this depression compounded at some point. So I did not take responsibility for this point by apply SF and Self-correction. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for happiness outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t blame others for my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless over myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am powerless over myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power to thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be with myself breath after breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in each moment calming myself down to look at the frustration clearly. Allowing myself to move through it and forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself, to take care of myself physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on another being to support my physically and mentally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing that point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to myself, thus relying on another being to support me to forgive myself and to let go of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to do process for myself and only for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself as life on my own means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `solve` myself through my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply place myself in the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the fact that I am constantly here.

I forive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within as believing that I am the thoughts I think, the emotions I feel, The feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the thoughts I think, The emotion I feel, the Feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to sound `profound`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself entirely.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to accept my enslavement as `just the way it is`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement.

Reality Check

I started looking at my life from a top down perspective. I do this so I can understand the whole of myself and where and how I stand. As well the equality equation works effectively for myself this way. I proved this to myself by looking at the belief of myself making someone smile as valuable and me being a presence in someones life with a smile is valuable by looking at that in the total equation of life…I almost vomited. That belief is completely disgusting. I am glad that I have been able to use that. I have been able to see myself only directing my reality which is cool. I was applying for a job and looking at that situation entirely and directing that effectively by looking at myself in the exact moment from a top down view.  It is looking at myself from the sky and being able to pull myself back from my mind and look at the physical existence and any belief or idea that I have of something, and see if it is valid. Money is not valid within the entirety of the world but valid within my world so while looking for a job I just looked at myself. This is subject to knowledge and information. So for example when looking at myself in the belief of being good for smiling, I placed the knowledge and information of beings dying of starvation within the world and looked at the affect of this. It was disgusting because the only thing I affected was the person in my direct reality, and to believe that I am doing something good for making a fucking person who does not starve SMILE!???, That is a mad belief. I have been mad/insane/crazy/nuts. So I am now looking at myself in entirety, based on knowledge and information and memory…so this is not really the most effective way but it helps as I stop only focusing on myself. It is a reality check for myself. That how is this within reality. It is useful.

Idea of love

So what has been  happening is that I am constantly thinking about having a relationship or agreement with Sally. I am placing myself into my mind in relation with her to the current situation. So for example typing on this computer I would then project myself into a situation where she would be looking at this and reading this or sitting beside me….it is always sharing the experience with the person I have stuck in my mind. I have been doing this a lot recently and applied extensive forgiveness on this this morning. I have this idea of a relationship being absolute happiness = love, and I have held onto this idea/belief for most of my life…since I created the idea/belief within me. So I have been thinking about this because it provides a smile and an energetic happiness that I am addicted to. I have recently been taking on my happiness and this is the epitome of it, relationships and love. So I realize that this relationship and love is a reliance and dependence on another being for support of myself as the belief of who I am as inferiority. Meaning that I hold her as superior to me and create her as a bulding block for me to further define myself as inferiority and that she, as superiority, will stand and support me and the foundation for as me as inferiority. I have started to remove this, I am done with this happiness and joy and bliss shit. I have looked and never found and after watching V for Vendetta I noticed that the idea of love presented in movies and the idea of love accepted and allowed within me vs reality, is a one-sided battle. The idea/belief of love within me cannot exist within reality, the actions are not there, there is absolutely no love within this world…even looking at my relationship with Sally…there is absolutely no love within reality, only self and her, only what is. Ther idea of love that I have been holding onto cannot exist. So for example In V for Vendetta when Evy ends up in the prison and reads the note of a former victim of the prison and the hell that the former victim went through, there is a mention of the word love….”even though I will never see you , I will never meet you, never kiss you, I love you”. And within me at that moment I felt this feeling of complete intimacy as love within and as two people. I have come to define this as love, but it does not exist. As well it is the complete happiness that is associated with love…that no matter what happens there still is love between 2 people….again that is an utter fucking lie within me. I can only love myself because If I depend on another for support as love I will fall infinitely. Because love from another will never hold but love onto self will hold indefinitely. So I have seen this happiness within me when I fantasize about being in a relationship with Sally or, as we have shared ourselves intimately. This idea of love comes up, because again I have been searching for happiness, and noticed that I have been waiting for me to be around Sally again to be intimate with myself. This happens with many females and it is not just with Sally, I am only using Sally as an example because she is the most recent person and most relevant person at the current moment. This idea of love comes from being intimate with Sally on a mental level, We have both shared our most suppressed experience of ourselves. And within that we have allowed ourselves to be intimate, and I have defined that as love…but loving myself is to be intimate with myself unconditionally. The only reason I see and have felt love is because I have defined that experience  condtitional to Sally, or that situation, being in my direct Reality. And again this writing has been about the other. Really it is about me. I am not Life with Sally, I am my life intimacy does not come from another, it comes from me. This is my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for another being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my reality from another. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to direct my reality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be me. So I noticed that everything  I did I had another person in mind as if I am living for them…this even happened when I was alone. I communicated with myself rather than a idea of a person. I communicated with the idea of myself and completely separated myself from myself. For example as I cook I usually talk to myself as I am doing that…saying that is enough..or I need more, or I am doing this or that and how is this or that? Shit like that. Anyhow Love is simply not real, The want for another to stand with me for eternity is a lie. I no longer accept this as I give myself away to `love`. I have been looking for love for quite a long time and I am no longer going to look for it I am standing and supporting myself.

Support

I was looking at the word support. I was relating to me within the word support. I compared myself to a building. What supports it, is the foundation. So what I relied on is what supported me...I wrote relief before relied as this is a relief to share myself without trying to decieve myself or omit certain things. So in the past I have used girlfriends as support. I have used my mother as support. I have used friends as support. I have created many buildings from each support structure...each support structure is a foundation to a different building that is me as I have defined myself. So I have created different mes around different people, I have created many buildings from each support structure. And what is interesting is that when that support structure is removed we fall entirely. So for instance I was relying on my girlfriend to keep me up, to support me as who `I` was. When she dumped me, everything that I build with her as that foundation crumbled completely. So I fell. Luckily everything that I created with her was a lie of me and it was easy to bring myself back to finding(FOUNDation) me, although it is still a defining of me within a belief of who I am. So I made my world around her and as soon as she removed herself from the world I no longer could continue the world, so it all fell. I no longer had a stablility point, a support point to continue the revolution of the world as me that I was creating. So it all crumbled and I was standing alone trying to find myself again.

The problem with this is that I am still trying to create a world as me. I am not allowing myself to be THIS world, the actual physical reality. I am creating a belief of me around my friends, around my mom, around anything that I use as support, so that I can hold onto that belief of who I am around them

Reaction Towards Looking out for Only Myself and Not the group

Reaction towards Being a light-worker an agreeer and a knowledge person who Only cares about myself and not the entire group…

I must focus on me as life as all, and focus on what is best for ALL, Ok so now this point is relevant…Me focusing only on my life. My life is fucking fine!, I am rich, I have internet access I have food, I have everything that I need to live and more, yet I am still looking for more, wanting more money so that I can support myself better…For instance I am waiting until I have enough money to get internet, to support an EMS. I am waiting for me to have enough money, so that I can always have a basis of 3000 in my account out of fear of losing my job…which has become relevant right now, but nevermind. I am waiting to save money so that if anything happens I have a support so that I do not need to find money immediately..I will but I mean within the context of the exact moment. So I have been putting off and only saving for myself and not wanting to spend money at all, so that I can save to survive. Wow all ego, So If I have all that I need why not give now? I do not see any more point in collecting more and more and more money if I am not going to invest it and use it properly. So I have only been focusing on myself within my application of my money, that I do not give to others what I would like to receive which is consideration for myself as life. And I can invest in EMS and Desteni to give consideration to that life because I support something that does consider what is best for ALL. I am going to do this but I would not like to be so focused on myself…and not so full of myself, The problem is that I do not care about myself thus not caring about others.


I have only been focused on my own life, and how to establish a position for me that I am completely stable within as I fear the instability of this world…how it can drop out from you if you do not direct every moment. Just like now My might get laid off from my job that would provide benefits in 1 ½ years. So this was unpredictable and I am not back to again not being stable and worrying about the future of my income, and how to support myself effectively. I feel that I am too focused on my life and not myself as life, and trying to be grand in life, trying to make my life grand rather than living…the feel, I feel like I am doing an injustice to all that suffer by only focusing on my life, but I must place myself in a position that I can support others, and I must support myself first, so that I am able to support others, and to support myself first would to first focus on my life.

Still only focusing on myself and not the group, I am still focusing on ego and supporting myself as ego. Just like how I become happy within believing that I am effective and supportive within my application of myself. It is still about me, So I removed being happy through believing I am effective, I will share and not hope or wish my words to be effective or supportive, they may and may not, it is a learning process, as well that it does not matter, If I think I can help then I will. Not for happiness, not for myown beliefs but so that their experience becomes easier, or there is insight into it. Not for an energetic experience of myself….when This reaction occurs since I have written about it I have stopped it.

Reading Matti’s post on facebook, yes it is true that one has to make money to establish self appropriately within the world to support all life. I have not seen effort in me to look at the whole, there are times when I have and do look at the whole, but for the most part I have been focusing on me and worrying about my application and involved in ego. I see this because I have been writing and vlogging from ego, to support my belief of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support/entertain a thought/belief of myself as being `good`. I focus majorly on my own life, and I rarely am caring about anyone elses, and seeing myself as better, trying to be better. I am still playing a game of popularity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for focusing on my life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on myself as ego. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support ego, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to all life living on this planet, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only correct myself and that takes me looking at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write from the starting point of ego.

Lost of writing with no direction....

Sleeping and feeling like I am ineffective in relation to being uncomfortable with my posts.


This point was brought up when watching Sunettes video on depression, the point that I woke up with today was feeing that I have been ineffective, and that my life was worthless and that I have done nothing….Ths was a lie and in watching sunnette’s video I see that I was expereinceng a past experience of myself as a belief of myself as being effective. This point came up out of fearing my posts, and believing that I am not `good` enough, not knowledgeable enough to effectively support another individual and was fearing that I was going to end up fucking with someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and fear that I am not enough to help someone else. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I first must be enough to support someone, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being who is delusional. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thatI am intelligent or smart enough to help someone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own actions within/as reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself with the worry of whether or not I am actually effective in helping someone thus separating myself from my own actions and allowing a system or program to guide me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my own words to help and support another individual being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become and realize that I am equal to all other beings, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation to exist within the words of stupid, intelligent, ignorant, aware. So that is what I woke up with today is this heavy depression of a belief and experience of that belief of myself being ineffective and worthless in regards to helping another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow depression to take me over, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own power over to depression and allow it to control me. I pushed through this to write it out and now I am depressed that I cannot get rid of these superior thoughts. And starting to become frustrated with the thoughts as I do not like it yet I believe it. I am existing as both ego here when believing that I am superior and not liking the fact that I am thinking I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the fact that I am thinking that I am superior thus separating myself from the fact that I am accepting the thought. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more than others through/as intelligence and application of myself. I am not taking this point directly on I am not existing as it standing equal to it, I am projecting myself onto it as a belief that I can control it and remove yet I still give myself up to the thought andnot stop within the moment. I am that depression right now, I am not breathing I have just been sitting here trying to think this over and try to think my way out of this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking is the solituon. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and solve my depression by thinking. Why I started to feel this way is, that I am watching the Radical Relationships and the God System and I realize that I have been only following and not creating my own reality, only following stopping sugar because it has been said, only stopping cigarettes because it has been said, and I become depressed with that fact and the realization that Imust completely start over. And re-start my entire process with myself as the starting point….I became depressed because I saw it as a large task to complete and believe that I will not be what I want to be which is done or superior or transcended, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be me. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to exist as/for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am an abuser with believing that I have free will. I believe that have free will right now and can do whatever I want, and what I want is to believe that I am more than another….Iwas watching 2 movies in the past 2 days (28 days later, and 28 weeks later) during the movie I was thinking about what I would do if I were in that position…free will no consequences…no foreseeable consequences, I would participate in my free will and believe that I can do what ever I want, and this is coming through now…In one of Katie’s videos where she reviews the Black Swam movie she describes that she becomes the energetic experience that she felt throughout the movie, and then ended up living it out, with the thoughts of If I starve myself I can become skinny…I can look like that…and this I experienced as well, where I gave way to my `darkside` where I thought abusive thoughts, and within this movie I am living out my free will, where I think whatever I want which is revolving around that I am better than any/every one. Movies fuck with one a great deal…but the movie is assisting withbringing out what is within oneself anyways, so it obviously is not the movie, it is me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that I am more than any other being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of superiority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I am more than another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a mind reality when thinking/believing myself to be superior. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myselfin the physical reality when thinking/believing that I am superior.

Exposing Deception

The deception that I am directing in this moment to no longer fear is an ego point. Everytime someone has posted comments on my youtube channel or my blod or facebook I become smiley and happy with the thought that someone has noticed me for being what I wanted to be = an activist. I am within this deception of who I am as life.

I enjoy believing myself to be an activist. Which I am not. I am life here. Within this I become confident in my actions and happy believing myself to be effective through validation of what I believe myself to be via others comments. Within this I have been participating in desteni form an alterior motive starting point other then self honesty. It has been a starting point of trying to prove that I am something and doing something. This shows up in a lot of my actions...my anger towards people's comments of this is the way it is and there is no point in trying to change it. I get angry in this because as I have defined myself as an activist, I try and stand up and prove myself as being an activist for this world within and as my anger.

I am exposing this point because I can see this biting me in the ass. I am exposing this because this belief has stopped me from participating in my reality freely...free from ego. This belief, would have stopped me from participating in desteni freely...I would only choose to expose certain things, from seeing what others have typed....meaning that I would only move within a point if someone has moved already within that point. So that I have a belief basis in how to use the words and to use my actions. This showed up to me in my first vlog post. I said that I had a lot of reactions because I saw others saying this same point...looking at it I made myself believe that I had a lot of reactions when there really was none. I said this because others have gone before me saying the same thing. So I could become a copycat of what they were saying and believing them to be stable I would then project myself as `stable`. There is a large fear within me of being kicked out of desteni, resulting from this point of being a copycat and not living for and as myself...that is why I am here now typing this out because I will no longer participate in that.

To put this into perspective in the banksy movie, the main person that they were documenting was a person who only video taped everything and gained knowledge of how to move around in the underground graffitti movement. He then started to do the same things that he learned from others. He started to make his own stencils from no orginality, his origin was not from himself. His orgin was from how he saw others and how he could obtain that by doing exactly the same thing. He then put on a gallery in which he only wanted publicity...that was his priority. I have a large fear to him and his actions because I saw that as me and I saw that as how I have been. I connect the dots only now. Connect the points. I have defined this as being a leech. And that is how I see myself as being a leech off of others words and actions so that I could stand as I saw them = being stable. What the person in the movie did was ruin the underground graffitti movement by making it mainstream and `selling out` because he made millions off of shit that he threw together. This is what I see myself potentially doing in that I hae obviously misled myself in using the desteni material within becoming SELF and not others....not conforming. So who am I within my participation in desteni...a leec. Using other peoples words and actions calling them my own.

No wonder I have lost myself...I have become everyone that has been in my environment. Within this I have not been living what is best for all but what is best for me as personality as ego, as what I want myself to believe that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COPY others words and actions and use them as my own to establish a belief for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation from others for my own beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in my participation in what is best for all by masking it in doing what is `best` for me as ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself participating as myself in what is best for em as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy others actions so that I can project myself as stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy other actions and words so that I can decieve others into believing what I want them to believe as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in trying to be something that  I believe I want to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be an activist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being an activist as a benificial things - benevolent thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I see and like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do what I like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in likes form a mind starting point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I like. To rephrase that...I hae become that which I see and like. If I see someone wearing skinny jeans and I like that I now leech off of them and buy a pair of skinny jeans so that I can become them. That is what has happened in my participation in desteni. The starting point is to become superior to become like not to many have been. To become like bernard. To become a portal, to become something that I see and like, from becoming a perspective from and as the mind/ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in desteni as myself as life for the purpose of solving this situation on Earth. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become life as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a projection of what I like.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live myself as life as all = equally.

Again I have been writing this down because I am no longer standing as the fear of myself in who I have become. I will no longer accept the fear of fucking up desteni by not living the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. I no longer accept the fear of who I am = allowing it to limit my expression.