Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.


Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.

Devil's Advocate

During a conversation with Patti (my mother) An intersting point came into play and that was `playing devil's advocate`. Looking at the `saying`, why would someone want to advocate for the devil? Isn't the devil supposed to be bad, but everyone seems to enjoy it. So the devil is enjoyment...HA. Anyhow she said that she was playing devil's advocate, combating every point that I brought up, allowing me to combat every point that she combated. It went fucking no where. We ended up in the same position as before. So what I noticed is that playing devil's advocate one does not stand for self, but stand for spiting the other with the words that they spit. And she realized it as well, which is nice. she noticed that she was putting up a boundry so that it can be pushed passed, then she got angry that I was pushing her boundries.

Playing devil's advocate does not work in conversation, because one will always look towards any faults within the words that the other speaks, not allowing one to see the common sense being applied, Or any truths, only looking at the faults. Being the devils advocate goes no where. Listening as oneself is how to actually communicate.

The conversation was revolving around Equal  Money and the application of it. She was using the idea of a utopia to create a stand against point.

The conversatan whent nowhere, as I previously stated. The way I see it I was pushing her boundries as she was trying to close mine. I was standing for an Equal money system, supporting it, she was standing for the belief that it cannot happen. The conversation whent back and forth. It lasted maybe a half hour. And playing the devil's advocate, she got upset, upset that her boundries were being pushed. And I was pushing because I wanted to get the point through that an EMS is the best solution for this world, to stop the abuse. So she was standing her gorund, not opening up, and I was standing mine open to her words but not accepting them, because I would have to submit to submission of the system to accept the words that she was speaking. I am having trouble communicating. I do not know what point I am exactly thrying to get across. the point I want to get across the being the devil's advocate in conversatan is not useful. When one uses that tactic you are closed within only being combative and not listening to the words but constantly looking for faults.

So the point of conversation, I was talking to a person today trying to explain how I have been stuck in my mind, and the person got defenseful, because I was pushing. This is definately a point that I need to work on within conversation. I have been pushing information and knowledge onto the other person rather than applying that information and knowledge within sharing. I have been trying to slow myself down to share myself but It is tough as I have programmed myself to "prove that I am right". So within that conversation I noticed that I was pushing once it was done and what was interesting was that I felt rejected after. And I noticed that it was because I was pushing myself to be heard. I was listening to the words that she was typing, and applying ym point of view but pushing not, sharing. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down to the point where I am sharing myself constantly rather than pushing myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to feel rejected when people walk away from a conversation.

Within conversing I am not usually here participating and living each word Even now I am not here I am projecting a point and using words to get to that point...not directing myself here in each and every word that I am typing. Conversing is a point that I need to slow myself down within and be here in each moment directing myself and not reacting.

So playing the devil's advocate is a useful too to test ones understanding but to use that to communicate is useless.