Polarity and Sickness

I recently was looking at how the body must regulate a temperature between, I am not 100% sure on the numbers, 95-98 degrees Fahrenheit. Then I was looking at the point f going too far in one direction or the other and effectively becoming sick. This was interesting to look at, as within the world humans are quite polarized between money = the rich and the poor, and it is obvious to see that the human has a sickness in fact, to such an extent that the human is sickness, we are disease.

So I have been moving up and down within polarity quite heavily for the past 2 weeks, polarity of deciding to do correspondence that I must get done to up my grades to go into post-secondary education, deciding to work on my DIP assignment, cleaning up the house, and taking responsibility for my reality. I have been polarizing that with `fucking off` and watching youtube videos for hours on end, with sleeping, with eating sugar, with not treating myself within the living fact of what is best for me. Within that I recently became quite fucking sick. I came down with a hoarse cough so much so that I my breathing has become wheezy, and have been feeling fatigued due to the sickness. Here is where the interesting part comes in. I, today, decided to push through much resistances, much `fucking off` that I have been accepting and allowing myself, and have pushed myself to take responsibility for my reality and get my ass back in alignment, and to stop going too far within the polarity. I have been working on my English assignment for a few hours now, I have been pushing myself to do the things that I have been putting off, to fuck off, and get them done effectively. So right now, my sinuses are much more clear! My cough is not as hoarse! And my fatigue level is not relevant anylonger as I am just here writing, doing the things that I have been putting off I am not dreading doing what I have to = just doing it and within that fatigue is gone. I have `forgotten` about my cold. This is quite cool as the physical is showing me me, is showing how I create myself through what I accept and allow within/as myself and the manifested outcomes of said acceptance and allowance.

Who I am around other people

When I interact with another person, it is always a happy go lucky persona. I always want to smile and make others smile, it is an addiction to happiness. When Watching one of Bernard’s videos a while back he was talking about diabetics and their pursuit for sweetness/happiness and this obviously struck a chord within me. This is who I am around other people. I am a constant search for happiness and creating happiness around other people. It is an addiction to people and a `need` to be accepted. It is an addiction to being accepted so that I can create a relationship and then share myself with that person and then say this is who I am.

When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.

When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.

I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me

Fearing a Post

I am fearful of my post being seen. I was on the forum and afraid to look at my post to see if anyone has commented on it yet. I was afraid because I was judging myself as inFEARior, as I had a lot of fear. I posted a vlog about an idea of how to start to move the world in a direction to our favour, at the time I thought that this was a good idea and that I want people to see me, I did not write this out then so here is stagnant energy coming through as fear. As well there is this whole persona of I have found the way…I know that I am in the direction that I must move in…all ideas and beliefs and thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am on the path to where I need to be, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of where I need to be. I forgivemyself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be somewhere. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold up an idea about myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I really am as deception. What just happened is that I was looking at the equality equation of my actions and noticed that it was completely done in ego. That if I were to continue this then I would not be open and honest in every moment. I am justifying it through beliefs. This is going to stop. I am not a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be an idea of a benevolent being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in the moment and stop.

I see this thought process as a virus. It cannot continue. Within this belief of myself being a benevolent being I allowed myself to judge others harshly, I compared myself in trying to maintain the superiority. Again I did this because I was believing that I was on some path to being in the physical…not directing myself…and if I am on this path that I will continuously be on this path. So what happened when I looked at my post on the forum is that I completely feared being exposed in that moment, I had this idea of trying to climb into the computer to remove it…like no one can see this…but this is the epitome of what I have become. So all must see this and I must expose this. What I have become is trying to find ways to create a perception of myself as benevolent, and this has been coming through as ideas. Now when I posted this I was justifying it with the thought of this is a good idea. I was sitting in this thought and playing it over and over and over thus allowing myself to stimulate my ego.

I have just read the comment left be Adele and was trying to figure out whether “wow…” was meaning wow it was inspirational or wow that was delusional…both parts of a system. Those thoughts are only what I think. Looking at this I could have posted this and not thought a damn thing about it, but thinking about it being good and this idea being `good` only allowed me to exist as a system, thus having to go to the other end of the polarity. The starting point of posting this was of an idea…believing that idea to be `good`, and wanting to share this idea…I have defined myself by/as that idea and thus defining myself as good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as breath as the physical, as life, stopping all polarity of good and bad, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop all ideas of good and bad. It does not matter what this video is perceived as, this video is. It is no idea, it is neither good nor bad it is, It is myself showing myself....as well...now as I am about to post this, the video will have more of a chance to be seen and thus again I was both fearful, as well as hoping that it will be seen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this video is bad...

Sharing my Days

I have not been sharing my days and my experinences within my days...it is useful to do so. Speaking about a day will show me where I am within my reality and process.

Yesterday.
I woke up after sleeping six hours and felt fine. I have been sleeping six or under for an effective 4 days. I have been moving myself within sleeping for six or less  hours a night for probably around 1month right now. I want to right about feelings and how I felt, and I felt `good` that I have been sleeping more effectively. This is a energetic movement inside of me, believing that I am doing something good for myself within sleeping less. And I am currenty juding myself for participating in good and bad, believing polarity to be bad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that participating in polarity is bad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inferior to polarity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to beliefs of morality and polarity. Yesterday, I did not have my laptop, and was wondering how I would move without it. I went to the library to use their computer. On my bike over there I noticed that I was rushing myself, trying to get there as fast as possible to utilize as much time as possible. I noticed myself in the movements of the pedals and how I was pushingmyself hard and not coasting when I could, continually pedalling as fast as I could. I got to the library, and went on the computers that were available. There was a 2 hour time limit, so again the point of believing to have to use as much of the time effectively revolving around speed was relevant. I checked my email, and watched a few videos and read some posts on the forum and facebook. I wsa trying to do as much as possible within each moment so I was not really takng in all the information provided only skimming through it picking out pieces. I picked up 2 cds a book by Lao Tsu on Tao Te Ching, and a movie called Savages. I was debating on what I should do first when I went home to utilize the amount of time that I had before work. I decided to watch the movie as it is loaned for 2 days. I went home sat down watched the movie and ate. After about an hour in the movie I realized that I needed to buy insulin. I was debating on whether or not to do that now or later, if I did it later it would make it much harder on me. The fucked up point is that I still wanted to sit and watch the movie and I would have if I did not intervene. What happened was the my psychosis moved and as the thought of I want to sit here and finish the movie, the movie said a phrase consisting of "well that's a hard choice". This meaning to me that its fucking OBVIOUS on what I should do. Participating in my wants was more of a `priority` to me. But again the psychosis helped because (I)t allowed me to see what I was participating in and I moved myself to buy insulin because I needed it for the next day.

I got the insulin and went back to my house did dishes and finished that movie lol. I allocated time to pick up my laptop that day and glad I did as it is useful now. I have a virus that I received in an email and had to get it wiped and reloaded. I went to work, and found out that I was supposed to work 2 hours more then what I was expecting and already created a point for my mother to pick me up after work. So I had to find a way around this and as I worked I knew that I had to direct this point effectively. Usually they would not let me off 2 hours earlier, but they were 77 hours underbooked meaning the needed to get people to work those 77 hours so I made a deal with my manager, with me working 9 hours today to get off the 2 hours earlier. Before this happened and before work I was in the break room reading Tao Te Ching and it was calming me down, giving me `peace of mind` = a mind state. As I walked onto the floor to start work I knew again that I had to direct the point and believed that I could now that I had that state of mind. I worked and went to my moms house for food and interenet - a point that I must deal with. And I came here and reloaded my laptop with the software that I was using and created it back to what it was without the virus. Slept 4 hours and now I am here typing this

:) Enjoy

Head-Ache and Morality

The headache.


When I think about the headache I am realating it to my blood sugar. But It is from separation. Blaming it on my blood sugar and not the fact that I am my blood sugar. I was 10.9 a while ago. And I went to that from being low. I have gotten headaches before from going high and low and high and low. Lol it is a headache. Too much to think about and focus on. It started as I was watching the banksy movie. A point that I am thinking about is value, that I am supporting value of something that I am still holding onto the belief and idea that `street art` is cool and `hip` and `modern`…I do not like using that world because I feel like I sound like a pompous jackass. Anyways I was valuing art and the supposed worth of it. Art is not valuable no matter what it is. I mean the dude in the movie only did that shit because he wanted fame and he found a lot of people who had fame but tied no monetary value to their work…well did not commercialize themselves like he did, and he made too much shit and he is now worthless. He did all this shit for money and fame and used other peoples work…leech. He is a defined leech and I can relate. I am unoriginal. Have no creativity to my own process. Only following blindly to what I believe I must do according to posts by Bernard or other people. I mean when Linday posted a video saying that she is going to run I thought OH!...what can I commit myself too? I only acted on that point because of my belief of Oh! That is a good thing to commit and I want to commit to so I will follow her…I do not take lead. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be created. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for creating my own world and directing it the way I want it to become the outcome. This point has come up a few times and each time I think about smoking…which is just following my programmingbecause I actually do nt want one…physically do not want one. So how do I create myself? But actually making a stand and standing as my words here. And not fearing a think. I create myself in every moment anyhow, unaware of what I am creating. When I speak through and as my ego/personality, I create my reality through and as that. When I stand as self, speaking from as me as the principles that I stand by then the reality I create will be one that will be as of my principles. So I will no longer be a system but a principle within the stance of it. So it starts within words for me, because actions will come from the thoughts as a form or words. Words are where I can start and my participation in words is where my principle will stand.