Whole Hearted Motherfuckers

Feb 28th 5:41am 2011


I just looked at the word environment and saw the word Iron within it. I related this to knowledge of the Earth’s core being 95% Iron. So I related this to me being 95% affected by the environment. Bullshit connection but it is applicable. We are completely Affected by the environment we grow up in. This environment is disgusting. As a child we are force fed happiness and love and light and positivity with media. Tv shows are always happy and related to happy experiences and Male tv shows – from my experience – of playing the part of the hero eg: power rangers. I then grew up believing in light love and happiness and positivity, always searching for that positivity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search the world/environment for positivity. I was searching for positivity in a world where nothing is positive whatsoever. In reality everything is `negative`. A relationship is not blissful, it is ignorance. Ignoring the fact that it will not and cannot last in reality. It will inevitably break, and if one exists in positivity within participating in a relationship one is absolutely delusional and ignorant of the fact of reality. Sure some marriages stay, but again it is through negativity, it is out of fear of financial Stability, It is a manipulative point of getting what one wants, a fear of `being alone for the rest of your life`, and we all do this knowingly, yet we purposefully blind ourselves with ignorance and the idea of bliss, when in reality we are all fucking disgusting and self-interested and a relationship is only manipulative of self and/or the other person to get what we desire which is sex. I have done this myself where I have purposely manipulated myself within allowing myself to create a relative point within me so that I could relate to the other to then establish a relationship and then get what I desired which is sex…quite disgusting and ugly. There is a replay of a memory of a co-worker telling me that another co-worker has defined my writings as `dark`. Fuck…it is the true nature of us, investigate yourself in honesty and you will see some ugly disgusting shit as yourself….we all exist as this, and that is why the world is in the situation it is in right now. Investigate yourself in honesty and stop fearing yourself, it will only cause a large event to happen to yourself wherein you will have to face yourself in honesty of what you have really become, and if you are still believing yourself to be positive, and happy, and a `good person` in that moment you will throw up at realizing yourself.

So we are influenced heavily by our environment and that is why we become what we have become, as our environment is disgusting and we are hiding from what we really are through entertainment and distraction. We rarely see the actually rapacious nature of ourselves in reality, and therefore we hide from it and exist in ignorance of ourselves, thus believing ourselves to be positive and beings of `whole heartedness, love, light, happiness`. It is al bullshit when in reality we have destroyed ourselves and the environment and abused life and ourselves with self-interest in trying to hold onto that belief that we are happy and good whole hearted motherfuckers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the human is a benefit to life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the true nature of myself as human

I stand here in honesty in realizing myself as the true nature of myself as evil, as hellish, as destructive, as rapacious to understand myself so that I may never allow it to again exist as me as reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself blissful so that I may ignore and hide from the true nature of/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a good person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the true nature of what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid at all `costs` facing myself in reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend money to keep myself dumb and happy and ignorant to the fact that I am an `ugly` being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cost myself my life in ignorance

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to all life allowing myself to see the true nature of myself as a human in what I have accepted and allowed within this world that is destructive, abusive, rapacious, harming, murdering all life forms on/as this Earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from the true nature of myself as being rapacious, destructive, harmful to all life on this earth, through believing myself to be good, and creating the pursuit of happiness.

2 Year Time loop

The specificity of the 2 year Time loop Feb 10th 2011 5:18am


I woke up today for work and I took a piss and found a wet spot on my boxers. I thought this was from me spilling water that I drank as soon as I woke up. I touched it and felt it, and it did not feel like water. I thought that I pissed myself but again it was too small. I then came to the conclusion of having a wet dream. Now last year at this point within my process, I had my first wet dream as I was not masturbating and I was constantly thinking about sex. Same point here. So there had to be a release somewhere. This is quite specific and shows me exactly where I am within the time loop. At this stage last time I continued to search for that happiness and love and bullshit and light, and bliss and forget about everything…which I did create for myself. I went into that position and lost where I was before that only now coming out of the haze. I am glad for this point as I now know that a point that is coming is the want of bliss within my life…yet I have been cutting out all happiness, so I am definitely ready to face that point. I have been not allowing myself to participate in the energetics of happiness, and I have stopped deluding myself within the belief of love and the search for love. I have started to participate more effectively within removing contructs and points within me that I have been accepting and allowing that I have within been allowing myself to not focus on myself and the situation of this world.

The specificity of this is really quite interesting. As I have worked at the same exact job as I was 2 years prior. I moved out, It have had thoughts of moving back in with my mother, to which I know will allow me to be more effective if I pay her and take responsibility monetarily to live here, but I am also content at where and how I am living on my own. That point I just realized. And I know now where that will lead me as I see the pattern. So the specificity of the time loop shows me where I am and where I must go. I have been allowing myself to fall on this point of doing everything for myself…meaning going to a Laundromat and doing my own laundry and establishing an internet connection at my place or creating an effective internet usage for myself. The time loop within this point was that I moved back to my moms house and was not working, and was living off of her and relying on her to take care of me, then the conflict started to rise allowing myself to get kicked out. And the time loop before that was again conflict and me getting kicked out to my dads, where again I was not working, smoking weed all day, and not taking responsibility for myself.

Simply I know what is going to come within the pattern and what I must do to remove this pattern. There still is one more year within the time loop, so interestingly enough there are points that are still going to come or will come in a year from now. It seems as though the points have compounded and are here now, instead of within the future. Ah ok so I understand that the process reversed. The love and light shit I am moving through now and taking care of now, whereas I am only starting to remove myself from ego and starting to focus on the world and not my world. To which 2 years ago it was reversed.

Sorry, let me explain the wet dream shit. When this point happened last year it was my first wet dream. It was quite memorable, and it is flagged within my memory. And this point is coming again. The same `playing field` exists. So now that I have had a second wet dream in my life there is only one other point that I can place it within which is what I was facing a year ago. Now that I have gone through that point and fallen on it, finding out the consequences I am ready to face this point now, through living through it and experiencing it , thus knowing it. The exact same physical play-out is manifesting in my reality through as me and I know that I am responsible for it.

So through experiencing exactly what happened 2 years ago and `knowing` that there is a time loop, I can find out what is happening in my reality and I can see how I am creating it. So I am creating this point because I am allowing myself to go into happiness and bliss within my mind hoping and desiring for a relationship to experience that eternal bullshit and obliviousness, as well as thinking about sex frequently, I am re-creating this point now, and it is interesting because if I fall on this point I allow myself to fall into my mind and focusing only on my own bliss when the world is compounding the hell existent, which is the entire time-loop of myself, and it going in reverse is the compounding of it. Because if I `fall in love` *resistance to typing those words* then I will not be focusing on the reality of this world and thus fall on that point as well.

So simply focus on this world and research this world instead of following my desires/wants.

Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.


Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.