Sexuality

I have feared women. I have valued them more than me. I have placed myself in an inferiority position to women. This comes from the fact that my mom `excersized` her power of me when I was a kid. Thus I believed that women are more than me…more powerful than me. So that is the point that I have created them as more than me. When I was a kid, my sister caught me in the shower and said that my penis was small. Then valuing women more than me I valued her word more than my own. I started to believe that my penis was small. This got passed onto my classmates and other females in my class as my sister spread to word. I felt very insecure within this because I had no idea whether it was small or not and evidently neither did she. Since I valued her opinion more than mine I started to believe that my penis was small. And within this I started to fear women judging me thus seeing me as less then me, placing value on myself through/as acceptance from women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on myself through/as acceptance from females. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to value myself only if females accept me. So I was insecure about myself from there on around females. As I have realted my mental exposure to my physical exposure I never exposed myself to females. That starting point of unintentional physical exposure to a female and then being judged as inferior to my value system of penis size, which is completely ridiculous and irrelevant, I started to feel inferior to women and started to fear exposing myself around them, and started to feel awkward and uncomfortable around women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the size of a penis I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women’s value’s lie on penis size. So within that I have been fearing being judged by women as I have seen them as more powerful than me so I have resisted opening myself up to them and therefore I have been trying to create a perception of me as superior to them. I have been desiring to be accepted by them, I have been wanting to be accepted by them as I saw myself not being accepted unconditionally as a child through my mother beating me, so I have struck up conversation little bits at a time with certain females and if I feel accepted by them I will then start to create a fantasy about them, and be happy that they are accepting me, as I feel comfortable around them, not fearing being judged by them through this belief of acceptance.


This acceptance is also a form of comfort for me. I cannot have sex with another…well currently if I feel uncomfortable, if I am judging myself, I simply cannot get it up until I feel comfortable. So for example with my last girlfriend, I was staying at her house and planned to have sex with her…this was my first time and was nervous and uncomfortable so I could not get it up, this happened before as well and went in to a spiral of judgement and basically ran away from the situation, this time I had to face it as I was sleeping there. Lol my thought pattern went as such: Fuck I hope she does not judge me for this, I cannot get out of here, I am going to have to stay here for the night, then when I woke up: cool she still wants to be around me, I do not feel judged, I feel comfortable. I was then able to fuck. The main point Is that I did not judge myself entirely for this matter, I allowed it to go and felt as though she was not judging me…I ws looking for judgement within her, I was looking for the judgment of myself within her, did not find it and felt comfortable. So I have had this fear of being judged from when I was exposed to my sister and judged as being `less than` within my own mind, and attached this point to all females, allowing myself to believe that the inferior feeling I felt was real, and thus not allowing myself to again expose myself to a female. Ok So lots of memories and thoughts….When Iwas with a girlfriend before my last, this same shit happened and this is when I `ran` from facing myself, but that is beside the point. When we were to make out we would dry hump, and eventually she started giving me a hand job. I was hard before she stuck her hands down my pants, but felt that I was going limp as she started to touch me, and got nervous within this and tried as hard as I could to keep my dick hard. Within this I became immediately worried about how she would think of me and was much more focused on that than the physical feeling. It was a fear of her seeing the `real me` instead of me acting like my `dick is so big` , it was a fear that she would then and there know the `real` me. I went limp because Iwas not sharing my entire mental self with her then, I did not expose myself entirely mentally, thus allowing myself to expose myself physically. That whole event of being exposed to my sister did some interesting things to me…I was inadvertently exposed to my sister and then `mentally attacked` through the value that I held so within that moment my physical was exposed and then defined by a female who I thought to be more than me and then my mental placed an insignificance onto myself through value of penis size. So I believed that I was inferior physically to the value system of penis size and inferior to women through as power and thus believed myself to be entirely inferior to females. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal in all ways always around and to females, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my power of myself to females. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own two feet for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior.

Ok so bring this back to me, I am the one responsible for placing value on penis size, I am the one responsible for accepting the belief within myself of having a small penis, I have an average penis not small nor big so I am letting this belief and value of penis size go. I am the one who has been accepting myself to be uncomfortable around females through fear of being judged and I am the one who has been placing value on their opinion of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value females opinions of me over my own knowledge of myself. I am simply no longer going to desire to be accepted by females. I am not longer going to accept myself to feel uncomfortable around females. I am simply going to allow myself to be me I am not longer going to judge myself around females. I am not longer going to accepted myself to judge myself as inferior to females. I am not longer going to desire to be accepted by females. I am accepting myself as me around everyone. Why am I accepting myself to not accept myself around females? Because I have given my power over to them through as my belief of them being more than me, giving them the power to place value on me…HA and it all comes from me I believe that if they smile then they accept me, if they are positive then I am accepted and if they `respond` negatively then I am unaccepted thus valuing myself accordingly, I take back the power I never gave away. I empower myself from here out. Till here no further do I accept myself to give my power away to a belief of women compared to me nor do I accept myself to de-value myself around women.

Ok so what is cool is that Through feeling inferior to women I have then directed myself to males at times. I have directed myself to males…cool no discomfort writing about this. I have directed myself to this because I have felt immediately accepted by most males and have been comfortable around them for the most part, as I have had no fear of being judged around them or judging myself around them. Although there is still a uncomfortablility around my friends as I have believed that I need to be accepted so I have mimicked them to get their `approval`. And I see that now as I saw it before but never expanded on it through writing. Ok so memories : when I moved to this city from the one I `grew up` in I was very fearful of being accepted by others, it was in grade 2, but still feared being an outcast. What happened when I walked into that class was one of my former friends ran up to me and screamed do you want to be my friend? So this was like an icebreaker for me and I did not fear meeting anyone knew as I had a `way in` to the class through this individual. So from my experience I have been accepted easily by males and thus have developed a relationship with them as being comfortable around them as being accepted by them, and this being the polarity to females, so I have developed an attraction to males but again it is just from a comfort point. When I am attracted to males it is simply out of physical attraction I have never fantasized about having a relationship with a male, I have only fantasized about having a relationship with females. Females are there for support as I have seen myself as less than them, I have believed that I need a female in my life to keep me `afloat`. When I was attracted to a male today it was as if he was a like mind, one that I could relate to, as well it was the physical features. It is the exact same with a women…physical features, and being a like mind that I can relate to, as well as emotional support. So males it is about again comfortability, that I am more comfortable around them and me being attracted to myself through muscles I am then attracted to other males for the same reasons, again I cannot see me in a relationship with a male, I cannot relate to them sexually I do not enjoy sex with males, it is just that I have feared myself allowing myself to just be around females to the extent that I have directed myself towards males. I have had sex with a male, but this was because I was completely curious why sex was so big in this world and was desiring to experience it in any way. It was not out of a attraction but curiosity. When I was attracted today it felt as though that I could relate to this guy completely and the physical features is what I was attracted to as well.

K so there is no point further to take this within writing, only to live it now, I am going to remove my uncomfortability and desire to be accepted by everyone, male and female, and allow me to express myself with judgment of myself. See where that takes me, as I am seeing that the points between the female and male are roughly the same. I feel uncomfortable around males that I see as superior to me…why do I see that? And I am attracted to males that I see as equal to me same with females I am attracted to ones who I see that I am equal to, ones that I can relate to, and I feel uncomfortable around others from judging myself, as being less than and that my actions are less than theirs and that I must make others smile to not feel inferior to them. I am attracted to people who I can REALTE to, that is the key here, and I am going to remove all of these inferiorities and see where I end up and I am going to stop judging myself and see where I end up and each time bring it back to me all ways always. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring myself back to myself in all ways always. I am attracted to people who I can relate to to bring me the most comfort. So if I cannot relate to women have a female expression around that I can relate to then I will go to a male, as I see absolutely no difference between the 2. Male and Female are the same to me…it is the person who I can relate to and it does not matter to me whether or not it is female or male…I am going to investigate this further and check out everything.

Looking at the attraction to males it is physical attraction, based on muscle and style and features. I again feel comfortable around them and want to let go and be supported by them. For Females, it is again the features firstly and the face, the face says everything about the expression and that is what I am drawn to, how they express themselves. So I am attracted to a specific type of expression in another. One that I can relate to, so lets say plays video games or skates..that is the physical relation and the mental relation would be one of needing and wanting support, so that I would support them as much as they would support me. Lookin at this and bringing it back to me now, I do not need this nor am I this any longer. I have supported myself, and am working on supporting myself in All ways. It is still `inherent` within me to look for that support from another individual. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for support within an agreement/relationship within another being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally. So when that support exists I can feel comfortable in knowing that they know me well enough to push certain buttons within me to support me personality wise and ego wise. Again my solution is to investigate myself whenever an attraction arises within me and to not go into an agreement/relationship for at least a year, supporting myself within that year entirely.

I was investigating myself today within this point and I have noticed that Men I am comfortable around physically, because I have never felt judgment from them physically, but mentally I have. I am mentally comfortable around women, because I have been able to share anything mentally with women throughout my life. So this is very interesting how I was judged on my penis size and within that I started to believe myself to be inferior and I now fear exposing myself physically to women. And this whole `Men don’t share emotions` that is involved within society has affected me as well. I have allowed myself to fear exposing myself mentally to other males. So the solution is to equalize myself to both points and bring it back to me, as I am responsible for this, it is to share myself with anyone, male or female who I am able to share myself with. And to not judge myself as inferior physically.

Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.


Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.