An interesting point yesterday was brought up within me and that point was `me` time. I looked at what `me` time was. That is where I give myself time to not care. I looked at what I did within `me` time, and I end up watching skateboarding videos for quite a while or looking a funnies on the internet, or watch some program on tv to entertain myself. So using the words `me` time is deceptive and dishonest, as all time is my time. I have all time to myself it is only what I choose to do within that time is what is relevant. Removing the words me time from that and equating all time equally, I saw that I was simply using that time to not give a fuck and to stray away from myself in actuality. I allow myself to give up on breath within `me` time and I allowed myself to not care about the current state of the world when participating in `me` time. Me time thus is dishonest, thus is deceptive, thus is abusive. Thus I am dishonest, I am abusive, I am deceptive.
Until I create all time as a process of self-investigation I will not change, as I have always used the excuse `ok enough `work` I have `me` time now` within which I am deliberately giving up on changing myself or pushing myself past any points. Me time is a lie to myself. There is no me time, the me time that I participate in is self-interest simply.
A few years ago I was completely invested in desteni,, in reading the material, in living the material, all of that. Only recently have I started to become more self-interested, so I have fucked with myself. I enjoy reading the material I enjoy writing, I enjoy living the material and discovering how to live it effective that is the real Me time, that is truly what I enjoy. The `me` time that I have participated in is simply self as the mind interest. It supports everything of the mind and as soon as I accept myself participating in `me` time and do not stop I allow everything of the mind to come back to me as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in `me` time
I forgive myself that I have hidden behind the words `me` time
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-interests of the mind that feed the mind with mind definitions
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all time Is me time
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in what I truly enjoy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to change myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern that is thinking.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define process as work
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as `playtime` or `me` time
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply realize that I enjoy process
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self interests as self being of the mind
I stop allowing myself to participate in self interests
I stop and breathe and check my starting point when I participate in what I have defined as self-interest and move myself within self-honesty
I am going push myself to continually participate in process investigating myself and changing myself seeing where I can take myself and expand myself within.
Showing posts with label deception. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deception. Show all posts
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Responsibility and Blame
Mar2nd 2011 5:51am
I have just woken up and the responsibility point is relevant. Meaning that I am right now placing myself as myself standing as myself for me only without need for others. The blame point is here as well and I am removing that each time it comes up and taking responsibility and doing so the blame and frustration goes away. I see the frustration right now, yet I cannot remove it entirely…I am attracted to it right now. As I pull away it pushes further towards me. It is a habit to blame. So I breathe and I stop and slow down.
This morning was quick paced. I woke up from sleeping in a bit. And I started to move rapidly so that I could get everything done quickly so that I could be here typing this and be ready for work. I was thinking quickly too, not stopping right away. I noticed this and again placed myself as myself and took responsibility for myself. Responsibility for stopping the thoughts, for stopping myself rather than getting angry over the fact that I am not stopping which is redundant. I was blaming the thoughts for my thinking and hoping that they would somehow stop. I was not intervening and stopping for myself and taking responsibility. Through blaming and not taking responsibility within breath for myself the thoughts kept on coming and I would have gotten quite frustrated.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe, taking responsibility for myself as myself, for standing as myself as my principles.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated over not getting something that I want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through frustration over not getting what I want
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am one and equal to frustration as me, and that what I want is not outside of me, not separate from me, it is here as me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself in every way
I breathe here now removing the frustration and `overwhelming` thoughts, and I stop wanting and I stand here knowing that only I am here and that something outside of me cannot help me.
Standing alone is much `nicer` than being frustrated as you are mad at nothing. I cannot be mad at myself for this shit, and if I am then I am in separation from myself. It is an ultimate relief from the frustration and that compression within my head. Standing alone as well I enjoy. I do not rely on anyone else. I stand alone. I breathe. I do not project. When I do this I can catch myself projecting and backchatting quite quickly and stop it within that moment. When I blame I continue backchatting hoping that it will stop through a force separate from me and become frustrated with it not stopping.
I have just woken up and the responsibility point is relevant. Meaning that I am right now placing myself as myself standing as myself for me only without need for others. The blame point is here as well and I am removing that each time it comes up and taking responsibility and doing so the blame and frustration goes away. I see the frustration right now, yet I cannot remove it entirely…I am attracted to it right now. As I pull away it pushes further towards me. It is a habit to blame. So I breathe and I stop and slow down.
This morning was quick paced. I woke up from sleeping in a bit. And I started to move rapidly so that I could get everything done quickly so that I could be here typing this and be ready for work. I was thinking quickly too, not stopping right away. I noticed this and again placed myself as myself and took responsibility for myself. Responsibility for stopping the thoughts, for stopping myself rather than getting angry over the fact that I am not stopping which is redundant. I was blaming the thoughts for my thinking and hoping that they would somehow stop. I was not intervening and stopping for myself and taking responsibility. Through blaming and not taking responsibility within breath for myself the thoughts kept on coming and I would have gotten quite frustrated.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe, taking responsibility for myself as myself, for standing as myself as my principles.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated over not getting something that I want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through frustration over not getting what I want
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am one and equal to frustration as me, and that what I want is not outside of me, not separate from me, it is here as me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself in every way
I breathe here now removing the frustration and `overwhelming` thoughts, and I stop wanting and I stand here knowing that only I am here and that something outside of me cannot help me.
Standing alone is much `nicer` than being frustrated as you are mad at nothing. I cannot be mad at myself for this shit, and if I am then I am in separation from myself. It is an ultimate relief from the frustration and that compression within my head. Standing alone as well I enjoy. I do not rely on anyone else. I stand alone. I breathe. I do not project. When I do this I can catch myself projecting and backchatting quite quickly and stop it within that moment. When I blame I continue backchatting hoping that it will stop through a force separate from me and become frustrated with it not stopping.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Whole Hearted Motherfuckers
Feb 28th 5:41am 2011
I just looked at the word environment and saw the word Iron within it. I related this to knowledge of the Earth’s core being 95% Iron. So I related this to me being 95% affected by the environment. Bullshit connection but it is applicable. We are completely Affected by the environment we grow up in. This environment is disgusting. As a child we are force fed happiness and love and light and positivity with media. Tv shows are always happy and related to happy experiences and Male tv shows – from my experience – of playing the part of the hero eg: power rangers. I then grew up believing in light love and happiness and positivity, always searching for that positivity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search the world/environment for positivity. I was searching for positivity in a world where nothing is positive whatsoever. In reality everything is `negative`. A relationship is not blissful, it is ignorance. Ignoring the fact that it will not and cannot last in reality. It will inevitably break, and if one exists in positivity within participating in a relationship one is absolutely delusional and ignorant of the fact of reality. Sure some marriages stay, but again it is through negativity, it is out of fear of financial Stability, It is a manipulative point of getting what one wants, a fear of `being alone for the rest of your life`, and we all do this knowingly, yet we purposefully blind ourselves with ignorance and the idea of bliss, when in reality we are all fucking disgusting and self-interested and a relationship is only manipulative of self and/or the other person to get what we desire which is sex. I have done this myself where I have purposely manipulated myself within allowing myself to create a relative point within me so that I could relate to the other to then establish a relationship and then get what I desired which is sex…quite disgusting and ugly. There is a replay of a memory of a co-worker telling me that another co-worker has defined my writings as `dark`. Fuck…it is the true nature of us, investigate yourself in honesty and you will see some ugly disgusting shit as yourself….we all exist as this, and that is why the world is in the situation it is in right now. Investigate yourself in honesty and stop fearing yourself, it will only cause a large event to happen to yourself wherein you will have to face yourself in honesty of what you have really become, and if you are still believing yourself to be positive, and happy, and a `good person` in that moment you will throw up at realizing yourself.
So we are influenced heavily by our environment and that is why we become what we have become, as our environment is disgusting and we are hiding from what we really are through entertainment and distraction. We rarely see the actually rapacious nature of ourselves in reality, and therefore we hide from it and exist in ignorance of ourselves, thus believing ourselves to be positive and beings of `whole heartedness, love, light, happiness`. It is al bullshit when in reality we have destroyed ourselves and the environment and abused life and ourselves with self-interest in trying to hold onto that belief that we are happy and good whole hearted motherfuckers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the human is a benefit to life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the true nature of myself as human
I stand here in honesty in realizing myself as the true nature of myself as evil, as hellish, as destructive, as rapacious to understand myself so that I may never allow it to again exist as me as reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself blissful so that I may ignore and hide from the true nature of/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a good person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the true nature of what I have become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid at all `costs` facing myself in reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend money to keep myself dumb and happy and ignorant to the fact that I am an `ugly` being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cost myself my life in ignorance
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to all life allowing myself to see the true nature of myself as a human in what I have accepted and allowed within this world that is destructive, abusive, rapacious, harming, murdering all life forms on/as this Earth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from the true nature of myself as being rapacious, destructive, harmful to all life on this earth, through believing myself to be good, and creating the pursuit of happiness.
I just looked at the word environment and saw the word Iron within it. I related this to knowledge of the Earth’s core being 95% Iron. So I related this to me being 95% affected by the environment. Bullshit connection but it is applicable. We are completely Affected by the environment we grow up in. This environment is disgusting. As a child we are force fed happiness and love and light and positivity with media. Tv shows are always happy and related to happy experiences and Male tv shows – from my experience – of playing the part of the hero eg: power rangers. I then grew up believing in light love and happiness and positivity, always searching for that positivity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search the world/environment for positivity. I was searching for positivity in a world where nothing is positive whatsoever. In reality everything is `negative`. A relationship is not blissful, it is ignorance. Ignoring the fact that it will not and cannot last in reality. It will inevitably break, and if one exists in positivity within participating in a relationship one is absolutely delusional and ignorant of the fact of reality. Sure some marriages stay, but again it is through negativity, it is out of fear of financial Stability, It is a manipulative point of getting what one wants, a fear of `being alone for the rest of your life`, and we all do this knowingly, yet we purposefully blind ourselves with ignorance and the idea of bliss, when in reality we are all fucking disgusting and self-interested and a relationship is only manipulative of self and/or the other person to get what we desire which is sex. I have done this myself where I have purposely manipulated myself within allowing myself to create a relative point within me so that I could relate to the other to then establish a relationship and then get what I desired which is sex…quite disgusting and ugly. There is a replay of a memory of a co-worker telling me that another co-worker has defined my writings as `dark`. Fuck…it is the true nature of us, investigate yourself in honesty and you will see some ugly disgusting shit as yourself….we all exist as this, and that is why the world is in the situation it is in right now. Investigate yourself in honesty and stop fearing yourself, it will only cause a large event to happen to yourself wherein you will have to face yourself in honesty of what you have really become, and if you are still believing yourself to be positive, and happy, and a `good person` in that moment you will throw up at realizing yourself.
So we are influenced heavily by our environment and that is why we become what we have become, as our environment is disgusting and we are hiding from what we really are through entertainment and distraction. We rarely see the actually rapacious nature of ourselves in reality, and therefore we hide from it and exist in ignorance of ourselves, thus believing ourselves to be positive and beings of `whole heartedness, love, light, happiness`. It is al bullshit when in reality we have destroyed ourselves and the environment and abused life and ourselves with self-interest in trying to hold onto that belief that we are happy and good whole hearted motherfuckers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the human is a benefit to life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the true nature of myself as human
I stand here in honesty in realizing myself as the true nature of myself as evil, as hellish, as destructive, as rapacious to understand myself so that I may never allow it to again exist as me as reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself blissful so that I may ignore and hide from the true nature of/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a good person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the true nature of what I have become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid at all `costs` facing myself in reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend money to keep myself dumb and happy and ignorant to the fact that I am an `ugly` being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cost myself my life in ignorance
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to all life allowing myself to see the true nature of myself as a human in what I have accepted and allowed within this world that is destructive, abusive, rapacious, harming, murdering all life forms on/as this Earth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from the true nature of myself as being rapacious, destructive, harmful to all life on this earth, through believing myself to be good, and creating the pursuit of happiness.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
A Smile, Sm(LIE)
I Smile When I meet strangers, I smile to place a perception of myself as positive, and accepting of the other. I am dishonest to myself in this moment. I am not happt to meet the other person, I want to seem like I am. so I lie to myself with a smile. I lie to myself by smiling making myself believe that I am positive within that moment. I make myself believe that I am positive, so I put on a lie of myself as a smile.
When I meet someone I usually start with a smile and a hello, greeting them and putting off an expression of acceptance of them, where in I am mostly judging or comparing myself to them. I smile at strangers so that I see myself as positive and accepting of them which is not the reality of me. The reality is that I am subjective of who I allow within my reality, and that I will not simply accept anyone, so I lie to myself with a smile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself by smiling at people, making myself believe that I am a positive being.
Many people do this. I notice at work whenever co-workers meet we will smile and say hello, each and every time, this happens thousands of times. Happiness and a smile are usually lies to ourselves. Rarely have I ever been genuinely happy. I mostly use a smile and happiness within energetics to place myself within the positive polarity to make myself happy and forget that this world is dying and I am responsible for it. I smile to show acceptance, yet it is all a lie, it is a want of acceptance from myself to myself. That I desire to accept myself through another's opinion of myself through a smile back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require anothers opinion of myself to stand on.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand for myself in each moment.
I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as myself free from opinion and judgment of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply stand for/by myself.
As well this happens within a friendship. Most friendships are started this way which is through a smile and a positive greeting etc. Therefore all friendships are deceptive in nature. Therefore all friendships are dishonest. When in a friendship I will follow along with all others. I will place myself as one as a group, not one within a group. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself within a group.
My friendships have always started with a polarity as a smile. I then allow myself to believe that I will be happy being around this person...which is definately not true in anyway, and is only deceptive unto myself. We all search and give off that shit. Within and as a lie as a smile.
When I meet someone I usually start with a smile and a hello, greeting them and putting off an expression of acceptance of them, where in I am mostly judging or comparing myself to them. I smile at strangers so that I see myself as positive and accepting of them which is not the reality of me. The reality is that I am subjective of who I allow within my reality, and that I will not simply accept anyone, so I lie to myself with a smile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself by smiling at people, making myself believe that I am a positive being.
Many people do this. I notice at work whenever co-workers meet we will smile and say hello, each and every time, this happens thousands of times. Happiness and a smile are usually lies to ourselves. Rarely have I ever been genuinely happy. I mostly use a smile and happiness within energetics to place myself within the positive polarity to make myself happy and forget that this world is dying and I am responsible for it. I smile to show acceptance, yet it is all a lie, it is a want of acceptance from myself to myself. That I desire to accept myself through another's opinion of myself through a smile back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require anothers opinion of myself to stand on.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand for myself in each moment.
I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as myself free from opinion and judgment of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply stand for/by myself.
As well this happens within a friendship. Most friendships are started this way which is through a smile and a positive greeting etc. Therefore all friendships are deceptive in nature. Therefore all friendships are dishonest. When in a friendship I will follow along with all others. I will place myself as one as a group, not one within a group. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself within a group.
My friendships have always started with a polarity as a smile. I then allow myself to believe that I will be happy being around this person...which is definately not true in anyway, and is only deceptive unto myself. We all search and give off that shit. Within and as a lie as a smile.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Letting go of love within Physical Reality
Ok so something happened with me. I am now inferior and not happy, I am existing in sadness, I am allowing myself to hate myself. And again I am looking for that happiness…..it is because I removed love! Awesome. I am facing the consequences of my actions…I am just worried about my life right now but there is absolutely nothing to worry about…I can write every day, it is incredibly fucking easy, I have been worried that I will not have time for love…for friends, for others. And within that I became sad I became worried about my life but I give this up. What happened was that I went to the job interview and it is exactly the same process as the DIP. I will become an agent for Primerica, which specialized in debt consolidation and then get commission for each person I `help` Now I do not know how exactly this will work, but not the point the point is that I am giving up myself my wants my love to make money and to get through this shit. I am pushing this point within me to go through this and step beyond my boundaries. I am facing my past within this moment. I have faced Zehrs within quitting I fell on the point of dishwashing again, and now I am facing the deception that I can control to get to a point of financial stability. I started this because this will provide me a bit more income to move around and it will be put towards an EMS. The cool thing is that I will be dealing with people about debt and credit situation which obviously revolves around money. My starting point is to not push anything onto these people, not to force myself onto them, but to help them deal with their money and show them that they do not need to accept this shit. So I am giving myself up to this and the only fear that I had and have was the fact that I am giving up most of my time to money so that I can use money to push for an EMS, right now I do have enough to donate money but this will easily provide the basis for an income to direct to an EMS. Again Love point. I felt like shit when I started writing this and now I know why…I still wanted that love and within looking at that I removed it within removing the veil I removed it. So it does not matter about my own happiness I am doing this to get this shit done in this life time. The idiotic thing within this job is that it all revolves around debt…and getting people out of debt. It is like dieting – the market only survives on failure – meaning that the dieting market will only prosper if people give up on diets and stay fat or if they fail and become fat. Same thing here that this company only prospers on the fact that people must have debt, and luckily this whole system is based on debt, The entire system is all indebted. I was feeling like shit because I was holding onto love for dear life, and I was not letting it go. I did not want to let it go. And now I have created my reality where I either hold onto it or let it go, and I am moving mysef to let love go….I look at it and would like to be poor and loved, then rich and without love, but either or it is still bullshit. The happiness that one has with money is bullshit, and the love that one has when poor is also bullshit. Looking at reality I am able to support real love within supporting and EMS, that is love. And to get rd of my own feelings for this is fine, I am doing what is best for me along the way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing love. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove love. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as love. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for love. This is now done and am directing my reality entirely based on what is best for all.
Idea of love
So what has been happening is that I am constantly thinking about having a relationship or agreement with Sally. I am placing myself into my mind in relation with her to the current situation. So for example typing on this computer I would then project myself into a situation where she would be looking at this and reading this or sitting beside me….it is always sharing the experience with the person I have stuck in my mind. I have been doing this a lot recently and applied extensive forgiveness on this this morning. I have this idea of a relationship being absolute happiness = love, and I have held onto this idea/belief for most of my life…since I created the idea/belief within me. So I have been thinking about this because it provides a smile and an energetic happiness that I am addicted to. I have recently been taking on my happiness and this is the epitome of it, relationships and love. So I realize that this relationship and love is a reliance and dependence on another being for support of myself as the belief of who I am as inferiority. Meaning that I hold her as superior to me and create her as a bulding block for me to further define myself as inferiority and that she, as superiority, will stand and support me and the foundation for as me as inferiority. I have started to remove this, I am done with this happiness and joy and bliss shit. I have looked and never found and after watching V for Vendetta I noticed that the idea of love presented in movies and the idea of love accepted and allowed within me vs reality, is a one-sided battle. The idea/belief of love within me cannot exist within reality, the actions are not there, there is absolutely no love within this world…even looking at my relationship with Sally…there is absolutely no love within reality, only self and her, only what is. Ther idea of love that I have been holding onto cannot exist. So for example In V for Vendetta when Evy ends up in the prison and reads the note of a former victim of the prison and the hell that the former victim went through, there is a mention of the word love….”even though I will never see you , I will never meet you, never kiss you, I love you”. And within me at that moment I felt this feeling of complete intimacy as love within and as two people. I have come to define this as love, but it does not exist. As well it is the complete happiness that is associated with love…that no matter what happens there still is love between 2 people….again that is an utter fucking lie within me. I can only love myself because If I depend on another for support as love I will fall infinitely. Because love from another will never hold but love onto self will hold indefinitely. So I have seen this happiness within me when I fantasize about being in a relationship with Sally or, as we have shared ourselves intimately. This idea of love comes up, because again I have been searching for happiness, and noticed that I have been waiting for me to be around Sally again to be intimate with myself. This happens with many females and it is not just with Sally, I am only using Sally as an example because she is the most recent person and most relevant person at the current moment. This idea of love comes from being intimate with Sally on a mental level, We have both shared our most suppressed experience of ourselves. And within that we have allowed ourselves to be intimate, and I have defined that as love…but loving myself is to be intimate with myself unconditionally. The only reason I see and have felt love is because I have defined that experience condtitional to Sally, or that situation, being in my direct Reality. And again this writing has been about the other. Really it is about me. I am not Life with Sally, I am my life intimacy does not come from another, it comes from me. This is my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for another being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my reality from another. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to direct my reality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be me. So I noticed that everything I did I had another person in mind as if I am living for them…this even happened when I was alone. I communicated with myself rather than a idea of a person. I communicated with the idea of myself and completely separated myself from myself. For example as I cook I usually talk to myself as I am doing that…saying that is enough..or I need more, or I am doing this or that and how is this or that? Shit like that. Anyhow Love is simply not real, The want for another to stand with me for eternity is a lie. I no longer accept this as I give myself away to `love`. I have been looking for love for quite a long time and I am no longer going to look for it I am standing and supporting myself.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Who I am around other people
When I interact with another person, it is always a happy go lucky persona. I always want to smile and make others smile, it is an addiction to happiness. When Watching one of Bernard’s videos a while back he was talking about diabetics and their pursuit for sweetness/happiness and this obviously struck a chord within me. This is who I am around other people. I am a constant search for happiness and creating happiness around other people. It is an addiction to people and a `need` to be accepted. It is an addiction to being accepted so that I can create a relationship and then share myself with that person and then say this is who I am.
When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.
When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.
I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me
When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.
When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.
I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Exposing Deception
The deception that I am directing in this moment to no longer fear is an ego point. Everytime someone has posted comments on my youtube channel or my blod or facebook I become smiley and happy with the thought that someone has noticed me for being what I wanted to be = an activist. I am within this deception of who I am as life.
I enjoy believing myself to be an activist. Which I am not. I am life here. Within this I become confident in my actions and happy believing myself to be effective through validation of what I believe myself to be via others comments. Within this I have been participating in desteni form an alterior motive starting point other then self honesty. It has been a starting point of trying to prove that I am something and doing something. This shows up in a lot of my actions...my anger towards people's comments of this is the way it is and there is no point in trying to change it. I get angry in this because as I have defined myself as an activist, I try and stand up and prove myself as being an activist for this world within and as my anger.
I am exposing this point because I can see this biting me in the ass. I am exposing this because this belief has stopped me from participating in my reality freely...free from ego. This belief, would have stopped me from participating in desteni freely...I would only choose to expose certain things, from seeing what others have typed....meaning that I would only move within a point if someone has moved already within that point. So that I have a belief basis in how to use the words and to use my actions. This showed up to me in my first vlog post. I said that I had a lot of reactions because I saw others saying this same point...looking at it I made myself believe that I had a lot of reactions when there really was none. I said this because others have gone before me saying the same thing. So I could become a copycat of what they were saying and believing them to be stable I would then project myself as `stable`. There is a large fear within me of being kicked out of desteni, resulting from this point of being a copycat and not living for and as myself...that is why I am here now typing this out because I will no longer participate in that.
To put this into perspective in the banksy movie, the main person that they were documenting was a person who only video taped everything and gained knowledge of how to move around in the underground graffitti movement. He then started to do the same things that he learned from others. He started to make his own stencils from no orginality, his origin was not from himself. His orgin was from how he saw others and how he could obtain that by doing exactly the same thing. He then put on a gallery in which he only wanted publicity...that was his priority. I have a large fear to him and his actions because I saw that as me and I saw that as how I have been. I connect the dots only now. Connect the points. I have defined this as being a leech. And that is how I see myself as being a leech off of others words and actions so that I could stand as I saw them = being stable. What the person in the movie did was ruin the underground graffitti movement by making it mainstream and `selling out` because he made millions off of shit that he threw together. This is what I see myself potentially doing in that I hae obviously misled myself in using the desteni material within becoming SELF and not others....not conforming. So who am I within my participation in desteni...a leec. Using other peoples words and actions calling them my own.
No wonder I have lost myself...I have become everyone that has been in my environment. Within this I have not been living what is best for all but what is best for me as personality as ego, as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COPY others words and actions and use them as my own to establish a belief for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation from others for my own beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in my participation in what is best for all by masking it in doing what is `best` for me as ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself participating as myself in what is best for em as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy others actions so that I can project myself as stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy other actions and words so that I can decieve others into believing what I want them to believe as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in trying to be something that I believe I want to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be an activist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being an activist as a benificial things - benevolent thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I see and like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do what I like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in likes form a mind starting point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I like. To rephrase that...I hae become that which I see and like. If I see someone wearing skinny jeans and I like that I now leech off of them and buy a pair of skinny jeans so that I can become them. That is what has happened in my participation in desteni. The starting point is to become superior to become like not to many have been. To become like bernard. To become a portal, to become something that I see and like, from becoming a perspective from and as the mind/ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in desteni as myself as life for the purpose of solving this situation on Earth. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become life as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a projection of what I like.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live myself as life as all = equally.
Again I have been writing this down because I am no longer standing as the fear of myself in who I have become. I will no longer accept the fear of fucking up desteni by not living the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. I no longer accept the fear of who I am = allowing it to limit my expression.
I enjoy believing myself to be an activist. Which I am not. I am life here. Within this I become confident in my actions and happy believing myself to be effective through validation of what I believe myself to be via others comments. Within this I have been participating in desteni form an alterior motive starting point other then self honesty. It has been a starting point of trying to prove that I am something and doing something. This shows up in a lot of my actions...my anger towards people's comments of this is the way it is and there is no point in trying to change it. I get angry in this because as I have defined myself as an activist, I try and stand up and prove myself as being an activist for this world within and as my anger.
I am exposing this point because I can see this biting me in the ass. I am exposing this because this belief has stopped me from participating in my reality freely...free from ego. This belief, would have stopped me from participating in desteni freely...I would only choose to expose certain things, from seeing what others have typed....meaning that I would only move within a point if someone has moved already within that point. So that I have a belief basis in how to use the words and to use my actions. This showed up to me in my first vlog post. I said that I had a lot of reactions because I saw others saying this same point...looking at it I made myself believe that I had a lot of reactions when there really was none. I said this because others have gone before me saying the same thing. So I could become a copycat of what they were saying and believing them to be stable I would then project myself as `stable`. There is a large fear within me of being kicked out of desteni, resulting from this point of being a copycat and not living for and as myself...that is why I am here now typing this out because I will no longer participate in that.
To put this into perspective in the banksy movie, the main person that they were documenting was a person who only video taped everything and gained knowledge of how to move around in the underground graffitti movement. He then started to do the same things that he learned from others. He started to make his own stencils from no orginality, his origin was not from himself. His orgin was from how he saw others and how he could obtain that by doing exactly the same thing. He then put on a gallery in which he only wanted publicity...that was his priority. I have a large fear to him and his actions because I saw that as me and I saw that as how I have been. I connect the dots only now. Connect the points. I have defined this as being a leech. And that is how I see myself as being a leech off of others words and actions so that I could stand as I saw them = being stable. What the person in the movie did was ruin the underground graffitti movement by making it mainstream and `selling out` because he made millions off of shit that he threw together. This is what I see myself potentially doing in that I hae obviously misled myself in using the desteni material within becoming SELF and not others....not conforming. So who am I within my participation in desteni...a leec. Using other peoples words and actions calling them my own.
No wonder I have lost myself...I have become everyone that has been in my environment. Within this I have not been living what is best for all but what is best for me as personality as ego, as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COPY others words and actions and use them as my own to establish a belief for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation from others for my own beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in my participation in what is best for all by masking it in doing what is `best` for me as ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself participating as myself in what is best for em as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy others actions so that I can project myself as stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy other actions and words so that I can decieve others into believing what I want them to believe as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in trying to be something that I believe I want to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be an activist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being an activist as a benificial things - benevolent thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I see and like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do what I like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in likes form a mind starting point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I like. To rephrase that...I hae become that which I see and like. If I see someone wearing skinny jeans and I like that I now leech off of them and buy a pair of skinny jeans so that I can become them. That is what has happened in my participation in desteni. The starting point is to become superior to become like not to many have been. To become like bernard. To become a portal, to become something that I see and like, from becoming a perspective from and as the mind/ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in desteni as myself as life for the purpose of solving this situation on Earth. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become life as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a projection of what I like.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live myself as life as all = equally.
Again I have been writing this down because I am no longer standing as the fear of myself in who I have become. I will no longer accept the fear of fucking up desteni by not living the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. I no longer accept the fear of who I am = allowing it to limit my expression.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Update on Life
I have been able to look at this world again within reality. I lost that ability a while ago when I started participating more with friends and relationships. So I started looking at this world on the whole and started writing about it. One thing that sticks out is I wrote, What the fuck have we done?
Seriously, what the fuck have we done. What have we created. We have created hell, we have created a terrible, horrendous, destructive, hating, lieing, deceptive, controlling, selfless world. I could not believe that we have created this so fucking blindly. We are still completely unaware of the extent of the abuse and suppression of life on this world. Every time you take a breath, a child is starving. Everytime you take a breath death happens, and I combated myself with but everytime life is born. HA! And that is believed to be a good thing. Life being put into this earth is not a good thing currently. As soon as life is put into this Earth within 10 years it is dead. It is dead from the sense that everything that life is stands for and as is no longer existent within the being. It is dead through the programming comming from the media, it is dead from the hell, from the lifelessness that is already here. And the child becomes what is here. How can one live in an evironment that one has not adapted to? We all must adapt and to adapt we become monsters! We thrive off of abuse. To clothe ourselves we use slave labour in countries that are seen as less than others. To get almost everything in the western world, the eastern world is enslaved, by money, to make. This world is hell for most so that only a few can `enjoy` it. And the lie is that we are all looking for happiness when there is NONE in this reality. Truly what is good in this reality that is infinite? Love does not last. Love isn't even good if you look at it. One gives the entire self up to retain that one feeling tat will ultimately fuck with you becasue we are looking for the ultimate fuck. Animals can't even live well. When I say well I mean without worry that humans will come and kill them for money. Money is truly to root to all evil, but what creates money what give vlaue to money. Us as minds give value to money, so really us as minds are the root to all evil in this world. Trees and plants can't even exist without abuse. We have damaged every living thing on this Earth with our self-interest manifested within and as the search and greed of money. Nothing is free from the affects of money! so we must Change the application of money, in order to stop the search need and greed of money, we must give it away equally to all to support their life. Keep the application of money, change the value and means of getting it to support people to not have a fear of survival! http://www.equalmoney.org/
Seriously, what the fuck have we done. What have we created. We have created hell, we have created a terrible, horrendous, destructive, hating, lieing, deceptive, controlling, selfless world. I could not believe that we have created this so fucking blindly. We are still completely unaware of the extent of the abuse and suppression of life on this world. Every time you take a breath, a child is starving. Everytime you take a breath death happens, and I combated myself with but everytime life is born. HA! And that is believed to be a good thing. Life being put into this earth is not a good thing currently. As soon as life is put into this Earth within 10 years it is dead. It is dead from the sense that everything that life is stands for and as is no longer existent within the being. It is dead through the programming comming from the media, it is dead from the hell, from the lifelessness that is already here. And the child becomes what is here. How can one live in an evironment that one has not adapted to? We all must adapt and to adapt we become monsters! We thrive off of abuse. To clothe ourselves we use slave labour in countries that are seen as less than others. To get almost everything in the western world, the eastern world is enslaved, by money, to make. This world is hell for most so that only a few can `enjoy` it. And the lie is that we are all looking for happiness when there is NONE in this reality. Truly what is good in this reality that is infinite? Love does not last. Love isn't even good if you look at it. One gives the entire self up to retain that one feeling tat will ultimately fuck with you becasue we are looking for the ultimate fuck. Animals can't even live well. When I say well I mean without worry that humans will come and kill them for money. Money is truly to root to all evil, but what creates money what give vlaue to money. Us as minds give value to money, so really us as minds are the root to all evil in this world. Trees and plants can't even exist without abuse. We have damaged every living thing on this Earth with our self-interest manifested within and as the search and greed of money. Nothing is free from the affects of money! so we must Change the application of money, in order to stop the search need and greed of money, we must give it away equally to all to support their life. Keep the application of money, change the value and means of getting it to support people to not have a fear of survival! http://www.equalmoney.org/
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