Fear of Sharing That I am part of Desteni and Reactions within a Conversation

Apr 4th 2011


So today there was reactions within me about talking about desteni with a friend of mine. We were catching up and talking about anything new or interesting happening within our lives and I meantions that I was going to Houston, She asked why and I said it was to meet with a group of people deliberately not mentioning the word desteni or what is was about, I cut myself of within that moment not allowing myself o explain further, to which she replied to meet your Bald friends? I said yes and in this moment I was ok with it. I have had reactions about talking about desteni because I have accepted and allowed the reactions to influence me of other when I have spoken about it within the past, and in this moment I realized that since I am online and `out` with it people know without me telling them. I enjoyed that there was no reaction and that there was acceptance within her, which shows that I do not accept myself as a destonian, still trying to hide within my personality, who I have defined myself as when I have interacted with her or any friend within the past. An interesting point came up hereafter where I was able to speak clearer on subjects and was not so afraid to share a perceptive that I have gained from participating in desteni. There are still a few thigns that I flagged within the conversation where I accept and allow excuses and justifications for things, and was resistant to speaking about resonant points, meaning that she mentioned that she had pains within her back shoulders and neck to which I backchatted about the resonant points and what they would be, and within that I allowed an excuse within her of it being based on going out and drinking last night.

During this time too I felt a point of not wanting to let her go do her own thing through a fear of loss, within which I notied it and did not allow myself to further participate in it because it would have lead to depression as I have noted before. I stopped within that moment and breathed and separated myself from the situation energetically, within which I then moved myself back to myself and took the smile off of my face. It was a point fo not wanting to let go of the happiness that I was creating around her and through the interaction with her. So I stopped within that moment and brought myself bak to myself and stood as myself and moved as myself, not allowing myself to rely on her for any experience of myself. So I was able to breathe more within this meeting and conversation, It was not constant as there was still some backchatting going on and some reactions. I notice that I can breathe in every moment but my lack of applying myself and removing that fear of loss of who I have defined myself as still exists, and within that it is stopping me from breathing here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing who I have defined myself as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing who I have defined myself as to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing an experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect losing and experience of myself to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself to rely on another being for an experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in each moment that only I create the experience of myself, within which I do realize that only I create the experience of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that antoher creates an experience of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on other to experience me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an experience

An experience is simply a moment and I am not only one moment I am all moments of myself and within which defining myself as an experience is limiting myself to a certain specific time/experience of myself and thus I enslave myself to time/experience/past/memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a personality

A personality is a method that I have developed within the fear of survival and the fear of loss to hold onto that which I have defined as me and thus I am not a personality, it is only a systematic method of `surviving in this world` or `getting by within this world`

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept personality as a way of getting around within this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use personality as a way to get around within this world instead of using self-honesty

Slowly and surely I am going to move within self-honesty within this world and thus remove the fears of beign accepted and fears of losing myself

I am here within this moment not completely certain of that last self-corrective statement, as I feel that I can do it now but I am allowing the fears to control me. So the words slowly but surely are why they are there because I fear diving head first into it, I would rather get my feet wet first. And within this I did today, I got my feet wet within removing this personality and I liked it as I was able to direct the situation much more effectively, not allowing pre-programming or programming to interfere with solutions.

so YES I am removing these fears and I am applying myself to move in this world within self-honesty starting within this moment.

Work and an EX

I am experiencing extreme frustration right now, or well it has subsided a bit now that I have sat down and started to write. During work I was lost in my mind, To a total extent, I mean really fucking lost, I experienced the same stress as before but was now aware of how lost I am within my mind while working…this only exists while I work. What happened was that I was smiling and not minding work as I had to expectations of what work will be like, I knew what it would be LIKE but not specifically. So I was prepared for what I knew….So everything was going smoothly, I was prepared and not stressed out about having to do this or that…I then talked to one of my former teachers, and told him I liked his class and that he was a fearless man, as he `geeked` out most of the time and it takes guts to do that. I was planning to do that for a while as I kept on seeing him at both of my jobs and wanted to share that with him because I was an ass in his class, I was a disturbance and ego within that class, so I wanted to share that with him because I was a fool within his class like it was my repentance, so even the act of sharing that with him was for ego, as it was planned out. So after I said that I went back to work, and I kept on replaying it over and over and was trying to stop, but I couldn’t…I was feeding my ego within that moment, and analyzing my actions so that I would be able to define myself. This wasn’t too bad I was able to stop it periodically and just needed to focus, after this my ex-girlfriend came by with her boyfriend, and I have been blocked and removed from her life and completely ignored as I have walked past her before and seen her at work before, so I know that she ignores me, as well as her boyfriend as I knew him too. This is what got to me…them ignoring me entirely, and snickering as well…my left scapula s twitching as I am writing this out. I then allowed myself to go into defence of my EGO! Ok in believing that I need repect and attention, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require attention. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my ego. Defending my ego in that I feel inferior to her, and that I believe that I should not be ignored as life, and that I would like to be recognized by her, and say hello to humane. But that is not the way it is…I defended myself with looking at my life and believing myselfto be better than her…trying to make myself believe that Iam better than her by doing process and involving myself within desteni…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fact that I participate in desteni as a superior point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior than others who do not participate in desteni. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see equality in life…The fact is is that I was giving her special attention…as her being my EX and not seeing her as another piece of life. I saw her as being significant as I am sure that many people who walk by me daily will laugh and judge me yet I do not care, it is only because of the fact that I dated her, felt emotions with her that I obviously have not dealt with yet. The emotions are being `in love` with her, I felt love for her..I thought that was love and I am still holding on the that desire for love, and I `had` it with her, although I disliked most of the time we spent together, It must be because I had someone to be there by my side and I was open with, and now I am being ignored like I do not exist and that openness is gone now…again it is because I was open with HER and not everyone…not open with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to believe that my ex-girlfriend has a significance in mylife. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a significance of my Ex-girlfriend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the idea of love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love brings me happiness. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of my ex-girlfriend. I am equal to her…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inferior to her. I let go of this now, it is irrelevant to myself as life, it still infects my life, but the dis-ease will disappear, as I start to not care what she thinks of me or care about the relationship we have now. I went through a lot of hate and anger during work over holding onto that, and letting it fester within me. I was thinking about smoking to get out of my mind as I was completely stuck in it until Icould write, so that is just another point that I had to move through, I am sure that it will come up again, as a test and kep testing me until I stop the anger stress and beliefs that a cigarette will cure that and until I can get myself out of my mind. Anyways that shit doesn’t matter and I do not know it it is just ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what my ex-grlfriend thinks of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what other people think about me. This is going to go, I am not going to allow a belief, idea of her to control me, I am not going to allow that idea to exist within/as me. I am not going to allow this inferior bullshit to run me scared.

I have am writing more about me and work, and will post it soon.

Devil's Advocate

During a conversation with Patti (my mother) An intersting point came into play and that was `playing devil's advocate`. Looking at the `saying`, why would someone want to advocate for the devil? Isn't the devil supposed to be bad, but everyone seems to enjoy it. So the devil is enjoyment...HA. Anyhow she said that she was playing devil's advocate, combating every point that I brought up, allowing me to combat every point that she combated. It went fucking no where. We ended up in the same position as before. So what I noticed is that playing devil's advocate one does not stand for self, but stand for spiting the other with the words that they spit. And she realized it as well, which is nice. she noticed that she was putting up a boundry so that it can be pushed passed, then she got angry that I was pushing her boundries.

Playing devil's advocate does not work in conversation, because one will always look towards any faults within the words that the other speaks, not allowing one to see the common sense being applied, Or any truths, only looking at the faults. Being the devils advocate goes no where. Listening as oneself is how to actually communicate.

The conversation was revolving around Equal  Money and the application of it. She was using the idea of a utopia to create a stand against point.

The conversatan whent nowhere, as I previously stated. The way I see it I was pushing her boundries as she was trying to close mine. I was standing for an Equal money system, supporting it, she was standing for the belief that it cannot happen. The conversation whent back and forth. It lasted maybe a half hour. And playing the devil's advocate, she got upset, upset that her boundries were being pushed. And I was pushing because I wanted to get the point through that an EMS is the best solution for this world, to stop the abuse. So she was standing her gorund, not opening up, and I was standing mine open to her words but not accepting them, because I would have to submit to submission of the system to accept the words that she was speaking. I am having trouble communicating. I do not know what point I am exactly thrying to get across. the point I want to get across the being the devil's advocate in conversatan is not useful. When one uses that tactic you are closed within only being combative and not listening to the words but constantly looking for faults.

So the point of conversation, I was talking to a person today trying to explain how I have been stuck in my mind, and the person got defenseful, because I was pushing. This is definately a point that I need to work on within conversation. I have been pushing information and knowledge onto the other person rather than applying that information and knowledge within sharing. I have been trying to slow myself down to share myself but It is tough as I have programmed myself to "prove that I am right". So within that conversation I noticed that I was pushing once it was done and what was interesting was that I felt rejected after. And I noticed that it was because I was pushing myself to be heard. I was listening to the words that she was typing, and applying ym point of view but pushing not, sharing. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down to the point where I am sharing myself constantly rather than pushing myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to feel rejected when people walk away from a conversation.

Within conversing I am not usually here participating and living each word Even now I am not here I am projecting a point and using words to get to that point...not directing myself here in each and every word that I am typing. Conversing is a point that I need to slow myself down within and be here in each moment directing myself and not reacting.

So playing the devil's advocate is a useful too to test ones understanding but to use that to communicate is useless.