Writing Within Ego

Mar 21th 2011 5:27am


I have been allowing myself to participate within ego again. I was just participating in it this morning and fighting with myself to remove it until I realized that I am not it. I am not within my mind I am here. I feel disgusted that I have allowed myself to place myself within a more than role, it is something that does not need to be done and I do it because I `feel good` about myself for something that I have defined myself as. For example if I believe that I have written something `worthwhile` through that belief I make myself believe that I am of worth, and place myself in a position of some worth, if I do not write for a few days I then start to feel of no worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself of a measurement of worth

I cannot measure my worth

worth is an idea of the mind based on something defined as `valuable`

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stabilize myself here when writing

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself here while I write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write to value myself

When I write I place myself here feeling each key stroke to stabilize myself here within the physical.

I am not of the ego

I am not what I think I am

I am not this value and/or worth I have defined

This point bothers me as I get a feeling of disgust because I know that I have not honoured life.

I looked back at my writing from the day before about the suffering of an apple and I realized that it was out of ego, that it was resonating ego. I did not enjoy that realization because I know that I am not more than anything, I know that it really has of no worth or value. “So I have answered the question as I am equal to the apple as life as a being that can feel. “ Within those words…I re-wrote them on the blog post because I knew what I did…It obvious resonates a placement of being more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego.

This point I know is of ego because I was thinking about that for some time, believing it to be a good question, holding onto it to fuel my ego, and as I posted it to I was looking for a response. So all of those things I noticed yet did not `register` in a sense of exactly what I was doing so I allowed myself to post it not allowing myself to become aware of the fact that it was out of ego.

I stop allowing myself to post out of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write to be seen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write to share myself

I start here writing to share myself.

Reality Check

I started looking at my life from a top down perspective. I do this so I can understand the whole of myself and where and how I stand. As well the equality equation works effectively for myself this way. I proved this to myself by looking at the belief of myself making someone smile as valuable and me being a presence in someones life with a smile is valuable by looking at that in the total equation of life…I almost vomited. That belief is completely disgusting. I am glad that I have been able to use that. I have been able to see myself only directing my reality which is cool. I was applying for a job and looking at that situation entirely and directing that effectively by looking at myself in the exact moment from a top down view.  It is looking at myself from the sky and being able to pull myself back from my mind and look at the physical existence and any belief or idea that I have of something, and see if it is valid. Money is not valid within the entirety of the world but valid within my world so while looking for a job I just looked at myself. This is subject to knowledge and information. So for example when looking at myself in the belief of being good for smiling, I placed the knowledge and information of beings dying of starvation within the world and looked at the affect of this. It was disgusting because the only thing I affected was the person in my direct reality, and to believe that I am doing something good for making a fucking person who does not starve SMILE!???, That is a mad belief. I have been mad/insane/crazy/nuts. So I am now looking at myself in entirety, based on knowledge and information and memory…so this is not really the most effective way but it helps as I stop only focusing on myself. It is a reality check for myself. That how is this within reality. It is useful.