The deception that I am directing in this moment to no longer fear is an ego point. Everytime someone has posted comments on my youtube channel or my blod or facebook I become smiley and happy with the thought that someone has noticed me for being what I wanted to be = an activist. I am within this deception of who I am as life.
I enjoy believing myself to be an activist. Which I am not. I am life here. Within this I become confident in my actions and happy believing myself to be effective through validation of what I believe myself to be via others comments. Within this I have been participating in desteni form an alterior motive starting point other then self honesty. It has been a starting point of trying to prove that I am something and doing something. This shows up in a lot of my actions...my anger towards people's comments of this is the way it is and there is no point in trying to change it. I get angry in this because as I have defined myself as an activist, I try and stand up and prove myself as being an activist for this world within and as my anger.
I am exposing this point because I can see this biting me in the ass. I am exposing this because this belief has stopped me from participating in my reality freely...free from ego. This belief, would have stopped me from participating in desteni freely...I would only choose to expose certain things, from seeing what others have typed....meaning that I would only move within a point if someone has moved already within that point. So that I have a belief basis in how to use the words and to use my actions. This showed up to me in my first vlog post. I said that I had a lot of reactions because I saw others saying this same point...looking at it I made myself believe that I had a lot of reactions when there really was none. I said this because others have gone before me saying the same thing. So I could become a copycat of what they were saying and believing them to be stable I would then project myself as `stable`. There is a large fear within me of being kicked out of desteni, resulting from this point of being a copycat and not living for and as myself...that is why I am here now typing this out because I will no longer participate in that.
To put this into perspective in the banksy movie, the main person that they were documenting was a person who only video taped everything and gained knowledge of how to move around in the underground graffitti movement. He then started to do the same things that he learned from others. He started to make his own stencils from no orginality, his origin was not from himself. His orgin was from how he saw others and how he could obtain that by doing exactly the same thing. He then put on a gallery in which he only wanted publicity...that was his priority. I have a large fear to him and his actions because I saw that as me and I saw that as how I have been. I connect the dots only now. Connect the points. I have defined this as being a leech. And that is how I see myself as being a leech off of others words and actions so that I could stand as I saw them = being stable. What the person in the movie did was ruin the underground graffitti movement by making it mainstream and `selling out` because he made millions off of shit that he threw together. This is what I see myself potentially doing in that I hae obviously misled myself in using the desteni material within becoming SELF and not others....not conforming. So who am I within my participation in desteni...a leec. Using other peoples words and actions calling them my own.
No wonder I have lost myself...I have become everyone that has been in my environment. Within this I have not been living what is best for all but what is best for me as personality as ego, as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COPY others words and actions and use them as my own to establish a belief for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation from others for my own beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in my participation in what is best for all by masking it in doing what is `best` for me as ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself participating as myself in what is best for em as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy others actions so that I can project myself as stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy other actions and words so that I can decieve others into believing what I want them to believe as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in trying to be something that I believe I want to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be an activist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being an activist as a benificial things - benevolent thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I see and like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do what I like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in likes form a mind starting point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I like. To rephrase that...I hae become that which I see and like. If I see someone wearing skinny jeans and I like that I now leech off of them and buy a pair of skinny jeans so that I can become them. That is what has happened in my participation in desteni. The starting point is to become superior to become like not to many have been. To become like bernard. To become a portal, to become something that I see and like, from becoming a perspective from and as the mind/ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in desteni as myself as life for the purpose of solving this situation on Earth. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become life as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a projection of what I like.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live myself as life as all = equally.
Again I have been writing this down because I am no longer standing as the fear of myself in who I have become. I will no longer accept the fear of fucking up desteni by not living the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. I no longer accept the fear of who I am = allowing it to limit my expression.
Showing posts with label Leeching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Leeching. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Head-Ache and Morality
The headache.
When I think about the headache I am realating it to my blood sugar. But It is from separation. Blaming it on my blood sugar and not the fact that I am my blood sugar. I was 10.9 a while ago. And I went to that from being low. I have gotten headaches before from going high and low and high and low. Lol it is a headache. Too much to think about and focus on. It started as I was watching the banksy movie. A point that I am thinking about is value, that I am supporting value of something that I am still holding onto the belief and idea that `street art` is cool and `hip` and `modern`…I do not like using that world because I feel like I sound like a pompous jackass. Anyways I was valuing art and the supposed worth of it. Art is not valuable no matter what it is. I mean the dude in the movie only did that shit because he wanted fame and he found a lot of people who had fame but tied no monetary value to their work…well did not commercialize themselves like he did, and he made too much shit and he is now worthless. He did all this shit for money and fame and used other peoples work…leech. He is a defined leech and I can relate. I am unoriginal. Have no creativity to my own process. Only following blindly to what I believe I must do according to posts by Bernard or other people. I mean when Linday posted a video saying that she is going to run I thought OH!...what can I commit myself too? I only acted on that point because of my belief of Oh! That is a good thing to commit and I want to commit to so I will follow her…I do not take lead. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be created. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for creating my own world and directing it the way I want it to become the outcome. This point has come up a few times and each time I think about smoking…which is just following my programmingbecause I actually do nt want one…physically do not want one. So how do I create myself? But actually making a stand and standing as my words here. And not fearing a think. I create myself in every moment anyhow, unaware of what I am creating. When I speak through and as my ego/personality, I create my reality through and as that. When I stand as self, speaking from as me as the principles that I stand by then the reality I create will be one that will be as of my principles. So I will no longer be a system but a principle within the stance of it. So it starts within words for me, because actions will come from the thoughts as a form or words. Words are where I can start and my participation in words is where my principle will stand.
When I think about the headache I am realating it to my blood sugar. But It is from separation. Blaming it on my blood sugar and not the fact that I am my blood sugar. I was 10.9 a while ago. And I went to that from being low. I have gotten headaches before from going high and low and high and low. Lol it is a headache. Too much to think about and focus on. It started as I was watching the banksy movie. A point that I am thinking about is value, that I am supporting value of something that I am still holding onto the belief and idea that `street art` is cool and `hip` and `modern`…I do not like using that world because I feel like I sound like a pompous jackass. Anyways I was valuing art and the supposed worth of it. Art is not valuable no matter what it is. I mean the dude in the movie only did that shit because he wanted fame and he found a lot of people who had fame but tied no monetary value to their work…well did not commercialize themselves like he did, and he made too much shit and he is now worthless. He did all this shit for money and fame and used other peoples work…leech. He is a defined leech and I can relate. I am unoriginal. Have no creativity to my own process. Only following blindly to what I believe I must do according to posts by Bernard or other people. I mean when Linday posted a video saying that she is going to run I thought OH!...what can I commit myself too? I only acted on that point because of my belief of Oh! That is a good thing to commit and I want to commit to so I will follow her…I do not take lead. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be created. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for creating my own world and directing it the way I want it to become the outcome. This point has come up a few times and each time I think about smoking…which is just following my programmingbecause I actually do nt want one…physically do not want one. So how do I create myself? But actually making a stand and standing as my words here. And not fearing a think. I create myself in every moment anyhow, unaware of what I am creating. When I speak through and as my ego/personality, I create my reality through and as that. When I stand as self, speaking from as me as the principles that I stand by then the reality I create will be one that will be as of my principles. So I will no longer be a system but a principle within the stance of it. So it starts within words for me, because actions will come from the thoughts as a form or words. Words are where I can start and my participation in words is where my principle will stand.
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