The hand that feeds us

I got told to stop skateboarding one day and was looking at the man’s words, and why he was basically telling me to stop enjoying myself and get out of the place that I was skateboarding in. I was skateboarding in an underground parking garage that is owned by the city. The city has to pay money for the structures that it builds and to maintain the structures. The cities life blood is money. Since skateboarding does mark up and `wreck` structures and objects, the city will have to pay for the repairs done to the structures/objects. The man that kicked me out was a worker for the city, the city pays him money so that he can live the life that he lives. I was questioning whether he really gave a fuck about me skateboarding in there or not because no one actually cares about another...since he was a worker for the city, the city gives him life = the city supports him, so in order for him to support his life the way it is he has to continue working for the city, and the cities interest is not having to pay money that it does not need to pay. So in this moment this man support the city because it supports his life and him telling me to get out of the parking garage was in support of the city’s interests and thus he was then supporting his job through supporting the city. We all fear losing our jobs because that means we have lost our accepted living conditions and standards, thus this man was speaking out of fear of losing his job, because if he were not to support the city’s interests the city would have a chance to remove his life blood through removing his income.

In this example this man was in support of a system that is absolutely abusive and extremely destructive of life because this man knew no better. Since the city was supporting his life and this man became comfortable with his life and knew no better life attainable than the one he current has, he fought for the system that is destructive, abusive, and harmful to life. He saw fear of his life being taken away from him by the city if he were to let me skateboard in that place and mark up the structure that the city has paid for causing the city to have to pay more money to keep it aesthetically pleasing. He was afraid of biting the hand that feeds him even though that hand smacks him as well. In this instance we all end up accepting the system once we accept our lives the way they are. We do not look for anything better nor can we think of anything better than what we have when we accept our lives the way that they are, we do not question whether or not life can be better for the ones who suffer, we do not think about a better existence that the one that we have because we are provided life by the one that we have, and all we are asking for is life. Life can be so much more than what it is, it can prosper, because the current system is destroying the conditions of life and since we have become comfortable with the destruction of our lives we do not question it nor do we realize that there can be a much better way of living. We become subservient to the hand that feeds us, and in that we accept the destruction, abuse, murder, rape of life that currently exists. There can be a much better life than the current system that we have now = all life can prosper, we only must stand as a group in support of a better life for all beings on this planet. Accepting our lives as comfortable is the acceptance of the abuse of the system. Thus we are directly abusing life through accepting and allowing this system to exist. And the reason we come to accept this system of abuse is because it provides life for us, thus it is the hand that feeds us and we fear not being fed by money because we fear dying.

Do we really get fed by money? Is income really the life blood of ourselves? Is this system then only but an illusion? Absolutely. This system is a lie and we are feeding the lie through accepting the medium that feeds us = money and the monetary system. The way we get fed is through the purchasing of goods with the tool of money within/as the accepted world system. But we as humans actually get fed through eating, through drinking, thus money is only but a false value and food source of life. Food is the source of life and money is the medium that allows us to purchase the food, and since money is limited and conditioned on supporting the system through working our ability to live is conditional and limited, but it doesn’t have to be.

In an equal money system we are given the funds so that we are able to provide life for ourselves. The medium of money is still a tool but the accepted rules, laws, and regulations of the system will be changed vastly. They will be in the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. When funds are provided to us unconditionally because we are life, life can prosper instead of being limited to having a job, and then we will have the time to change the way that we live, have time to create a new world and assist in supporting what we have destroyed. We will have the time to figure out this reality much more effectively, we won’t have to compromise our enjoyment to find money, we won’t have to search for ways to provide ourselves life here on Earth, it will be supported unconditionally simply through a change in the accepted system. We as humanity as life must stand together as life in support of a better life for life. We must fight the hand that feeds us and realize that we have been feeding ourselves the entire time, and change to a better method of feeding ourselves. For more information visit http://equalmoney.org and http://desteni.org

Life and Death + The In-Between

June 23, 2011
To understand life I look at death. I look at the end point of our existence to see what we are actually doing in the whole. I see that all we are doing is entertaining ourselves and then dying, while being subservient to the system. I was looking at a people working on their studies, and I see these people quite often at the library constantly focusing on their studies, so they are dedicated to it, and I apply their death to the equation. I see that what they are doing is only so that they are able to survive within the system effectively, they are working their asses of now so that in the future they can have enough money to support themselves, having a house, car, food, water, etc, all the necessities of life, only to die with all the `work` that they have put in in reality going nowhere, meaning that in death all their dedication and hard work for their lives will end up being worthless.

I looked at my mothers life as well, in terms of what she is participating in physically. She works 5 days a week and her work day is roughly 12 hours with getting ready in the morning and commuting, to which she comes home makes food, watches tv and then goes to bed, gets up in the morning to do it all over again. She has stopped drinking for just over a year, and when I looked at her life I told her to do stained glass as that is her hobby, because looking at her life it is dull, there is no enjoyment there, only service to the system, and entertaining herself to find a bit of enjoyment if that truly is enjoyment instead of ignoring her life…I told her to do stained glass because she does enjoy that and if she continues on her path her want for drinking is going to come back to her, and last weekend my sister told me that my mom had a drink. I asked her why and she said it is because her life is boring. Understandably so because anyone who is not completely ignorant of life will find it boring, because it is boring it is absolutely monotonous, day in day out doing the same shit over and over and over again. So adding death into the equation what is life really worth from the perspective of the system? It is not worth anything as the system will die eventually as it is engrained within the equation of the system, thus making our lives in which we are servicing the system purposeless. The only value in life would be life itself, the actual fact that we breathe and that we can and do experience ourselves in this physical reality, yet most of us are caught up in our minds to actually recognize that throughout our day, and entire lives we are breathing, we are here in the physical, and thus we do not take into consideration physicality whatsoever throughout our days/lives. We only take into consideration how much money we have, how to get food, how to make enough money so that we can provide ourselves with food, we only consider how we feel emotionally, we only consider the mental aspect of ourselves, absolutely disregarding the physical here as us, realizing ourselves here in the physical.

Life is not what life can be, it is certainly not an expression of ourselves within the physical reality…if it was we would have taken into consideration a long time ago what we are doing on this Earth, what we are doing TO this Earth as ourselves. And now through our lack of considering ourselves within the physical and how to live physically instead of systematically we have created our own extinction, we have killed the human race, well at least at the present it is quite probable that we have.

So add death into your equation of life to understand how and where you are heading within your life and where all life is heading and how ignorant we are of what is actually going on in this reality through only considering ourselves, and our own survival within the system, feeding ourselves unliveable information and then going to work day in and day out to make money as a means for us being able to feed, clothe, and shelter ourselves, which should be unconditionally given to all life, but it is only under the condition that you have money in your pocket.

Attainment of Enlightenment or the `American Dream` is worthless

June 2^nd 2011
I realized that my life is currently worthless from a perspective on individual experience. I was sitting in a doctors office, getting an update of my life as a diabetic. I find out that my average blood sugar level is well above normal. So I take a look at my life and the future of my life and realize one thing, it is meaningless there is no purpose other than to live here in the moment and change this world so that other people do not have to experience it in this hell that it is, worrying about my life in terms of dying is purposeless...I am going to die and to only focus on my own experience of `happiness` or living the `dream` is useless as it ends when I die yet the abusive existence that is here will still exist when I die.

So to give you perspective, I am a type 1 diabetic who smokes or has been smoking for about 2 and a half years, meaning that my heart muscle is incredibly weak and that I will die earlier than `average`. I am working 2 minimum wage jobs, I have just lost my benefits for my medication which is insulin so I mean I must find a new job with benefits or pay a fuck load of money to get insulin!!!which to me is fucking crazy to call `life`. My schooling option is limited due to education, time management, and money. Mainly money, because I am living on my own, most of my time is dedicated to working so that I m able to pay for bills, medication, food, etc life’s necessities, therefore I am limited to career choices and thus money. So since death is here as me, what matters? Does having a career, having kids, a house, a white picket fence matter? To me no not at all. In death why work my ass off to get something that has no value in death, no impact on the condition of life. The `American Dream` is all in pursuit of self-interest and now looking at it = it won’t fucking matter if I have that or don’t. It is not happiness to me, it is not life, it is still enslavement to the exact same fucking system only in a different environment, still existent within the same abusive, non-caring for life system. Does enlightenment matter? Nope not from my perspective, because I would still be in this shit system that does not care for life, only cares for itself, meaning that the system only exists to support and prolong the system itself, it is not there for life, therefore my `enlightenment` matters only if I have enough money to support that fucking bullshit idea, when the money runs out, my belly aches and I get brought the fuck back to the physical and then `nirvana` is destroyed. So attaining `enlightenment` does not matter against the suffering that exists due to our acceptance and allowance of the current system.

The only thing that matters is what is here after death. So if I allow myself to pursue the bullshit of enlightenment or the American dream, in death it has not impact on anything...suffering still exists the fact that people are limited within and as the system still exists, the fact that people will starve, go homeless, be raped, be uneducated, be abused....fuck that not only people but all life existent on this planet. All of that will still exist if I move myself within the `goal` of the American Dream or Enlightenment.  Therefore the only thing that matters to me is what is here when I die, what I allow and stand up against in this world is what matters in death. What I accept as existence is what matters, and I do not accept this existence as a way of life.

This world is disgusting...the human world, the actual Earth is interesting and intriguing, but the world that we have created for humans, the system I will say, is one that does not support humans unconditionally. The system that we have created maims, harms, abuses life to an outrageous extent. It matters to me if this still exists when I die. It matters because I do not want anyone else to suffer through this mess of `life` that we humans are absolutely responsible for.

So from my perspective I am going to die and anything that has been taught that is `worth` achieving in this reality is bullshit to me and does not matter. In death all of my experience of happiness or sadness do not matter, what matters is my physical experience in this reality as well as all others equal and one as me and what they too will experience if this system does not change. And currently this current physical experience on this Earth is HELL for most. What matters to me is the condition of life. Nothing in else in terms of `life` matters. The physical should be a place to express oneself one and equal, with and as the physical, not a labour camp, where if one does not labour they suffer or even that they must suffer as/through labour to be able to live. So fuck my life, fuck my care for my happiness or sadness, or bliss or anything of that. I would much rather experience myself in this physical reality as the physical reality without any limitation or hindrance to my ability to LIVE which is the system that we have accepted and allowed to exist within and without.

I m one vote for an Equal Money System. Investigate it at http://equalmoney.org   As well to bring about a new world we must change ourselves, we must live the change into reality, join the Desteni I process at http://desteniiprocess.com to re-wire yourself from what is here = control by sex, money, influence, emotion, thought and become self directive to bring about a better world.
http://equalmoney.org/support-establishing-the-equal-money-system/

Inhereting Humanity

There is something inherently wrong with the human. I asked why do animals run from humans when they see them? It is because we have destroyed the world and everything on the Earth. They run because we have destroyed the Earth, because we are destroyers.


I remember trying to get close to animals saying I am nice and I won’t hurt you and I do not hurt animals. If that idea of me were real they would stick around as they would see that I do not hurt animals, so in that case the idea of me as that is not real. Animals will only see a humans and that is what I am and as a human thus I am inherently destructive. Humans have lived this way forever, and everyone says its just the way it is, but within saying that there is inherent separation, because we must then say it is just the way we are. Many humans will not say that because that thus implies that we are responsible for the destruction, the hell, the maiming, the harm, the abuse that goes on in this world, but no we say that is just the way `things` are. But do you see any other species on this planet destroying it? Cutting down trees on an extensive level? Killing other species for `sport`? No. Humans are the thing that is just the why things are the way they are. We are the issue.

Participating in Desteni is a process of self-purification so that we may no longer harm. We take responsibility for ourselves the way that we are = abusive, harming, destroying beings, and we say till here no further. We are in a movement to get rid of the abuse that is us, we are in the movement to support a better world so that all life in this world may exist in the best possible manor of living, by consistently applying doing what is best for all, forgiving ourselves for abusing, forgiving ourselves for our past actions to not let the past haunt us as we all do at times, correcting ourselves to become pure so that we may be able to support life in this world instead of destroying it the way we have.

The way that is best for all currently is an Equal Money System. In the words of Bernard Poolman “for harmony to exist money must not harm`. That is all that money is during currently doing = harming. Most if not all things that revolve around money in this world are abusive, it supports profit, greed, that in essence is only considering what one wants, not what is best for all or even Self. In an EMS there is no possibility for profit thus eliminating greed, thus in essence supporting what can be done that is best for all as no one has anything to `gain` and as well eliminates power of an individual and gives power to the group, that group being humanity, and if humanity has equal power what will be done will be best for all of humanity.

Join desteni , support the EMS, purify yourself so that we may be able to remove this abusive existence from ever existing again, because as stated in the begging WE are the issue, Humans are the issue, humans are the destroyers, We are the Killers, Murders, etc. Investigate desteni, invest yourself into becoming a better human, investigate Equal Money System, invest yourself to support a better life. http//desteniiprocess.com

Blossoming of Life, And Humanity + a Little Rant

Mar 24th 7:10pm 2011


I had coffee and some food with my dad today and got to speaking about desteni and an EMS. Ok so first point here is what is cool is that I speak money and the system mostly with my father, and the emotions and feelings side of the system with my mother. Anyways while talking to me dad I had many reactions come up within me. As we were talking about me going to Houston, he questioned about how many people would be going there. I said right now 5-6 but more are invited. He asked how many people were at the farm….5? in a sarcastic condescending tone. In this moment I shut myself down immediately. I noticed that he was purposely pushing my buttons to get a reaction out of me and noticed that he does and has done this many times to which I have previously reacted. This time I shut myself down. No reaction no movement of energy no thoughts other than he is pushing my buttons to get a reaction out of me….so I still have buttons I must remove those lol, and in that moment I became silent did not express anything and disregarded that comment and started new. It was a simple expression of myself not participating in that. LOL I noticed that he is oh so dishonest about himself and does not want to admit It, wants to still exist in his state of idealogical bliss, so I am going to stop participating in speaking to him about desteni, as he has many reactions to it….lol one reaction is asking him to drive me to the airport to go to Houston. He asked why, I said a Desteni NA meeting, he said “Oh God”… LOL. I brought this point up with him today, as I said that he is the only one left in the family who is still against me in desteni, manipulating him in that moment to support me lol, and he said no I am not against you to which I laughed, and stated the above comment he had made. Stating that comment changed his expression immediately because he noticed his dishonest actions in that moment…by and by I am grateful that he is driving me to the airport as I was half expecting him to refuse because it is in relation with desteni. Shows that he is not holding desteni against me and is still reacting to the idea of what it is. Ok so that was a lot about him. So I experienced where I could be directed within that situation of speaking to him and allowing my buttons to be pushed and I did not want to go there and become angry and frustrated. LOLOLOLL one part I enjoy in that conversation is talking about how much money a day he needs to survive, in relation to jobs. He was going on about having a different job and the amount of money he needs to live, saying that if he had this one job then it would be 300 and if he had his current job then it would be different. I was laughing so hard at this point because I saw a ridiculousness within it because in his current situation he should need the same amount of money to live no matter what job he has. I saw him scratch he back of his neck which was ego and noticed that through laughing I was hurting his ego lol I said sorry for laughing and he said yeah…god. I see this point now as funny too. And this shows me that I do not want my ego hurt, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my ego and beliefs of myself and fear being laughed at.

I understand that laughter comes from self, that in that moment I was laughing with myself, not at him, laughing at the ridiculousness that I saw in the situation, not at him.

Anyhow the awesome point here is that talking with him about money and equal money shows me my understanding and how fucked up money really is. I enjoy talking with him about money and equal money because my father construct which is about money is heavily within me so I can move on this point smoothly as we can relate to eachother easier, then talking about emotions and feelings. I am able to come to more of an understanding of money and the affects of money within this world through speaking on this point with my father. I am able to understand my understanding of an Equal money system through speaking about it with him which is very assisting.

We were talking about how money allows things to blossom, which I have seen as a very cool perspective on money. Meaning that if you place money into something say an electric car industry that industry will then blossom, become more relevant in `today’s world`. And the point here is that only companies have had money injected into them to blossom, so companies are the only thing that blossoms and companies only want more money = to keep themselves alive. We have created companies in the image and likeness of ourselves. I mean there is no money being injected into anything to blossom the living conditions. I mean war is the most funded aspect within the political agenda so this is showing what is going to blossom and continue to blossom. Lol I do not want to use the word blossom because war is not a flower. Hospitals are not funded properly so the support of life that they are there fore will degrade. So I mean what can we fund that will blossom life? The living conditions of life? For 1 and obvious reasons an Equal Money System, as the entire system will thus then support life. So I mean what exists in this world currently that is supporting life? What exists within this world currently that is not out of the want for more money? FUCK even humans are subject to this, so then the question occurs are we actually life, or just another fucking company, that runs on regulations and rules, and is subject to survival through money/energy? Are we life or just another cog in the machine of the entirety of the system? Well in this math we are machines, we are just another company as ourselves alone, only looking/caring out for our own survival LOLOOL we compete with eachother believing this to be beneficial for ourselves through making ourselves better LOLOL just like companies do, they create many sister companies under one parent company to compete with eachother to `better eachother` to make more money but in the end they all die, so why compete. It is senseless and it actually does not support progress. I mean you cannot compete, if you compete with another just because they exist, it does not matter whether you perceive yourself to be winning or losing, you are simply deceiving yourself from the fact that they are your sister, your brother, Made from the exact same genetic code = EQUAL. So yeah I mean even ourselves are not allowing ourselves to blossom into life, as we are only just another company looking for more money to `further/better` or survival not realizing that the ones who we are competing with are our equals.

Simply Support an Equal Money System, to show who you are as life and thus blossom, support this system and stay a machine, a company, and eventually wither away until you are left an empty building/body.

Money `Woes`

Feb 28th 2011 4:12am


I woke up this morning at my moms house made a cup of coffee and thought I do not want to use all of these beans because of the money, because of their monetary value. Not because there would be no beans left…there is another type of coffee aswell but because of the money involved. I thought that I did not want to use as much beans as I normally would because it is not my money. As well I am driving to work today in her car, and the thought that has occurred before is I hope I do not get into an accident not for my health but because of the money that I would pay. Fucked up. Shows that I am placing still more value on money than life. Shows that money has become more valuable than life as it currently provides life. If I were to get into a car accident living would be much harder then dying. My mom doesn’t work right now and is in the process of going back so everything would come out of my pocket. And that would lead me to use a good chunk of my money towards that. In which my living application would then diminish and I would have to be incredibly frugal with my money. Anyways that is hypothetical.

It is unfortunate where we place money over life. Money over health. Money over the fact of our existence. Now this has gone into excessiveness where people now degrade life, butcher life, maim life, annihilate life, all in the name of money. We have started to deceive others, deceive ourselves all for the name of money, all for energy. These are more than fucked up things that we have done. We have disregarded life for the fact of value within the form of money. We have disregarded ourselves for the fa(c)t of money and greed. This world is dangerous if one does not control their reality, and if one does not have money! Now all of the people who do not have money, their problems are exponential to my thought. They must worry about getting sick, about food, about shelter, and staying warm, it is more than fucked up what we have created.

On the news there was a `story` of police handing out blankets to homeless because it was cold outside. This should be done aside from the fact of it being cold. It should be provided no matter what to people who do not have money, it was obviously doable within that moment so it could have been done in many moments and should have been aside from there being a catalyst of it being cold outside.

I am equally responsible for all of this through the `simple` at of thinking about money over health. This had gone on for far too long and it NEEDS to be stopped. Support an Equal money system for a better life for all living beings.

A Cool Day

Yesterday I enjoyed. I woke up and did my morning routine. I started to write about rape and got through writing that. I was waiting for the library to open so I started to watch tv to pass some time. I ended up falling asleep. I allowed myself to sleep because I did not having anything of perceptual value to do. I did not have another task in my day so I waited. I slept to wait. I woke up when the library was to open and did not care about getting up or not. I stayed asleep. I kept on sleeping through the day and woke up at noon. I went to the library and posted some blogs and wrote and watched videos. I was trying to use up my time as best I could since I had slept a lot longer than anticipated.


After a 2 hours at the library I had an urge to not continue pushing myself in the direction of abuse to myself in watching videos and forcing myself to write trying to be an idea of myself within writing and to let go and participate in something I enjoy. I called up my friend and went skateboarding. I was looking at myself when being around my friend. I noticed that I was being a yes man. At times I did not even look at his words and said yes or agreed about something. I observed this and stopped it within the moment, but it came back.

We went skateboarding in a walkway. We played a game of lines, after we warmed up. In the walk way there are three segmented sections divided by a small strip of metal embedded into the concrete. We each take a turn in doing tricks over these three strips of metal, to create a `line`. If someone lands all three tricks the other has to copy it. Looking at this the word Has to is not self-expressionate. There is not competition in this game. It is simply to express yourself in three tricks. They do not have to be hard or complex it is only up to self, and since there is no winning or losing, for me at least, I do not try to do hard tricks I simply stuck to what I felt within the moment according to the movement of me and the board. I enjoyed this quite a bit. Within me there is no want to win, and the fact of copying his tricks is cool as well because it takes me out of my comfort zone, I learned a trick a few weeks ago because of copying his line. The goal isn’t to do hard tricks so that the other will fuck up and `lose` but to express yourself as you want to.

After we got done we went for a coffee and started talking about some random things and skateboarding. I looked at my cell phone and asked him if he thought if cell phones should be free. I said this because in that moment I saw it as a necessity right now in this world to communicate. The abuse that it is currently being used as is extensive to the point where 2 people are walking together and both are texting. But It is an absolute useful tool within this world. And I saw it as a necessity and asked him if he saw it as the same and should money limit one from having a cell phone.

This was absolutely cool. I segued into talking about an Equal Money system, and what was even cooler was the fact that he had no reaction to it. He said simply if that would come into existence that would be awesome, that would solve a lot of problems. He understood it completely and understood the beneficial purpose of it. So I think that I am going to introduce him to desteni as when I was open about desteni before, this was about 2-3 years ago, I was telling him that his pants are aware that they are pants and that they can communicate about their existence of/as pants. I told him about toilet paper communicating through the portal and he said he wanted to know what toilet paper talked about. I never pursued this further but now am confident that he can comprehend the material. A cool question he thought of and it was that are all entertainment materials going to be equally valued? To this I had no answer, so for example is a 50’ TV going to be the same as a 20’. I had no answer but the answer is no. Simply people will get paid the same…and the prices stay relevant as they are today. People will simply be paid the same creating equality through labour credits. Meaning that everyone working a different job will get paid the same for the amount they work, and all of the prices of products will still be the same, thus creating an equality between purchasing power…so people will work the exact same amount to purchase the exact same thing. Simple now that I see it. I enjoyed the fact that he could understand the benefits on an EMS.

After this I went over to my moms house to use the internet more, she has been quite generous at letting me do this. I got a text from a friend who I rarely talk to and honestly this was my first time actually getting to know her. She used to hang around us when we skateboarded, then she went into rehab for drinking and drugs. I ran into her a while ago and asked how she was doing, we got onto the topic of self, and quitting smoking, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up again sometime, as we enjoy talking about ourselves and the experiences we’ve gone through - lol for me it is ego. She has texted a few times before and I have been busy. I could have decided to not meet her and stay home to write and or watch videos, but I rathered go out and doing something.

Talking with her was enjoyable as I do not have too many people in my life in which sharing self exists. So we talked and we were able to share ourselves quite easily, from my perspective. I was surprised that she would end up sharing herself the way she was, because she seemed to hide a lot of shit a year ago when we met. It is cool to see someone go through that transformation and realize themselves. We got to talking about self and how we each experienced ourselves and we got to the topic of self-forgiveness which was again surprising to me because I have not experienced speaking about SF outside of desteni forums or anything of the like. We were open with eachother and allowed ourselves to push eachother through somethings…again I opened myself to my most intimate and repressed experience of having sex with my best friend when I was adolescent, which shows me that I am no longer repressing that, again that was surprising because she is a person who I have defined as a `other friend` where I would live my other life, but the desteni life is taking over . As well it shows that I am becoming more intimate with myself unconditionally. As well I helped her push through point of being more specific with herself and opening points within herself through specificity.

After that I went home and wrote abit more on the topic of EMS and the Zeitgeist movement then went to sleep. I enjoy actually living my life rather than constantly participating on the computer. Writing is a awesome tool and the environment that destonians have created is also awesome, but I am not going to allow myself to only have that environment on the computer, I am incorporating it into my reality in everyway.

Within the Moment

Feb 12th 2011 5:54am


Time is how one can be within the moment. Each second be here each moment be here. Talking/typing here. When I write this I write from 5:54am. I am now at least. When I wrote before as these words are an example of how I write from memory, not from 5:55am. That is a cool perspective that I have not looked at before. In each moment of breath one equalized themselves with time. I write from now from here from/as breath. I do not look at the past and write I look at what is here within me and write. I see me. I cannot see myself entirely..but I am going on from knowledge and information of myself being sound, being a darkness. That is how I have extensively fucked with myself. Through knowledge and information. I think about my past knowledge and information, I place that knowledge and information into the current moment and live through/as the knowledge and information I have accessed. Sound is how I can tell whether or not I am here. If I can hear then I am here. If I cannot here then some corrections must be made…knowledge and information of being here = good. Simply, if I can’t hear then I am not here. I am somewhere else – thinking within my mind of something irrelevant because it is not here, I then become irrelevant, as I am not hear. I am not writing specifically from here, only within breath can I actually be here. The sound is key, when I hear sound I know I am not thinking. When I can hear all sound I can see in myself. I was hearing as I was looking within a want for a relationship, and it is only for sex, it is not a company thing nor a partnership thing only for sex. To be honest with myself in a relationship knowing and standing only for sex I am able to let all connections go. Because I am honest with myself. That is a positive Idea. So it is irrelevant. I am here typing with coffee, porridge, and toast to my left, These are the foods I and in the process of consuming. I was happy with myself for creating the porridge, a form of pride. I made porridge that has strawberries, blueberries, grapes, and a banana in it. I thought that this is a `good` meal so I created pride and happiness with myself for `creating` this meal. I read this over. It seems relevant, the idea of it is jibberish – meaning bullshit talk. I do not explain myself. I understand myself. That is all. I do not need to explain, should I explain myself. If I want to be understood possibly. But others understanding of me is irrelevant to who I am within the moment. I do not need to explain, if an explanation is wanted then I can give, but it is never a need. So for now this is only for me. I understand me as I write me. I am thinking of something to write. I am allowing ideas to pop up into my head through memory. I did not know what to write. I thought of something to write and second guessed myself. I thought it and did not immediately type it. I hesitated within thinking is this `good enough` towrite? Is it worth while to write that out. Will I bee seen as positivity if I write this? The whole Idea of positivity and wanting to be positive is something that I allow myself to fuck myself with. I think that positivity is wanted in any and every moment, and to `achieve` that is godlike. Trying to be godlike. I strive then for to be positive or seen as positive in every moment. As I have done this I have created the opposite side of this within my secret mind. Which I see and is completely disgusting. That which I think is completely ugly. I have tried to avoid it and place all the happiness up front so that I can be conscious of it, and then I suppress all of the ugliness within me. So writing and bringing that up is the best thing for one to do.

My Responsibility to Myself

So I slept 12 hours again today. I got up after 5 hours and was getting ready to work. I woke up pissed and decided to sleep some more. I woke up with stomach pains from eating chips last night and did not want to move through these pains…this happens when I eat chips and sleep. I kept on hitting the snooze button on my alarm for 10 more minutes. This got to a point where I knew I was not going to work today. I knew that I was sleeping through all of this to not face this pain. I was not taking responsibility for getting myself up and moving myself to get to work. I was pleased with where I was…at my moms and not having to worry about myself as everything is right here for me. This is a point that I am working on…I most likely would have went to work if I was not here. Being here at my moms is the point of complete support. Internet, Food, Shelter, everything that I need is here within this house. If I were at my house I would have to commute to get to anything. So I see this house as a sanctuary. It has everything I need within reach. This is a point that I have been falling on which is asking for support. Asking to be looked after. And not supporting myself. I started to do this but fell. I was starting to take care of myself in all ways but I see this place as having everything that I need and that there is no struggle…I am justifying this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being supported. Lol I am justifying this. I have started to pay her money for the days that I stay here, as I eat food I use internet I shower I do laundry, and within that I am just paying her to take care of myself here. I am not actually supporting myself entirely. It is a third party way of taking care of myself…I take out the middle man of lol `the man`. I take out the grocery store, I take out the Laundromat, I take out the library, I take out the middle man, and I place myself here, where everything is and I simply pay her to support myself. This is an `easy way out` of supporting myself entirely. I allow myself to justify it by paying her Before I would simply not pay her and use everything, this I became guilty for and did not enjoy taking advantage of this, so I started to pay her. And that is a justification, I just started to pay HER. I am not supporting myself by going out and placing myself within the money matrix.




This has become an addiction for me…going to a place where everything is within reach. I do not have to allocate time to travel. It has become an addiction to make things as easy as possible for myself within this world and that is a result of allowing others to take care of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to rely o others to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live on my own taking in all responsibility for myself within this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on people who have everything in place to support me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place everything that I need within my own place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continually allow myself to come here to do laundry, use the internet, to eat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting myself with my own monetary means. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others whom have money to support me. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a bum. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others that have what I need to support me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself everything that I need. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving myself what I need through the fear of not having money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility with my own money.

So simply I have to make my own life instead of paying someone else to share their life.