2012 Devoting time to Sex

I have recently done the 21 days without masturbation. What has occurred is that I have joined a dating site and have then been possessed with sex still. What has happened is that I have gone from the point of fascinating about having sex and masturbating to actively looking for sex. I am still in the sex system and the sex system is quite large. I looked at the point a few times and have agreed with myself that I am not ready for a relationship due to me not being stable emotionally and being a living example of self-direction, yet I continue to participate on the site and actively look for sex.

The point that I started off with in the 21 days of no masturbation was a realization of/as males and their view of the female. This occurred through watching the documentary at Stoppornculture.org and I suggest to any reading this, if you haven’t already, to check out that documentary. Watching that documentary allowed me to see porn from an outside perspective, meaning that when watching porn or becoming lustful and/or horny I become swept up in that experience and lose sight of reality, lose touch with reality and only focus more and more on stimulating the energy that I create from viewing a female, and watching the documentary allowed me to see past the lust/horniness. I saw that I was saying that the female body should be here for me, that it is for my viewing pleasure and that is it. That the female body is here to please me, which is fucking absurd, disgusting and degrading towards us both as life. The female body is here to express itself unconditionally, which unfortunately, has not been allowed as the female form has existed under so many conditions for quite a long time….Anyways stopping masturbating for 21 days has allowed me to calm the lust and horniness when it arises and deal with it effectively but the search and want for sex is still relevant within me shown through me participating on the dating site.

Daily I am looking at the site, hoping for messages, some socialization between me and a female that would hopefully in some way lead to sex = the same point as viewing porn, I am still caught up in the sex system and valuing sex over myself as life and still allowing myself to be directed with/through the desire for sex, which I have then allowed to compromise myself in my other responsibilities that I have to do throughout the day. Thus I am still controlled by sex and am still directing myself within the object of attaining the experience of sex.

Sex is a necessity but allowing my time to be directed through/as the want of sex is not cool as I am attempting to live out a desire forever searching, not allowing myself to be here with myself as breath, breathing in my body here. I am allowing myself to direct myself with energy which does not last very long, not allowing myself to direct myself with breath that lasts a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place more importance on the desire for sex than on myself breathing here as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within lust and within the desire for sex allowing myself to be easily manipulated and controlled in/as the pursuit of sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself telling myself that I must search for sex and giving into the ideals of/as sex and a relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a vast amount of time searching for someone to have sex with instead of participating with myself here as breath as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within/as the desire for a female
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to objectify the female body, allowing myself to separate myself from/as the female body/expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create energy out of viewing the female body only seeing women as an image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as an image, define myself as an image within/as the accepted societal definitions of/as attractive and or sexy in order to present myself to attain sex, not allowing myself to be here with/as myself breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a relationship more than myself here as life, allowing my life to be directed within/as the want for a relationship/sex

I stop allowing myself to be directed through the want of sex and take direction of/as my own life within/through sticking to myself breathing here. I allow myself to move with myself first and foremost focusing on myself first and my self-satisfaction of/as myself first, stopping the want for a relationship as `comfort`. I apply myself in being comfortable with myself.

For the agreement course that desteni is offering, that will help with all relationship issues, visit http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships  this will be of much help for all of us who are walking these points. 

Equal Consideration for Acceptance from both Female and Male

Mar 3rd 2011 6:18am


I have been focusing primarily on the part of ego that I use to attract women and desire women and believe that if I do not have a women I am nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I do not have a female or a partner or a gir by myside that I am nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am nothing without a female by my side. I have been focusing on that aspect primarily and I have not taken on the point equally in males. Taking on the point of wanting to be one of the guys, wanting to be accepted by males to equally by females. This point has shown up yesterday when I was contemplating having a cigarette to fit in with my friend and move with/as him to fit in with him. I stopped and breathed, the thought still came around but I continued to breathe as I noticed that this was a fucked up point. So I am focusing now on both aspects equally, To then stand absolutely as myself without wavering. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit in with `the guys`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself to `fit in` with the guys. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone around both females and males. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing this opint around males. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate the situation using ego to have it go `my way` I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face this point equally within both females and males. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove all beliefs of as myself around both males and females and any `personality` unconditionally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not fitting in. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing and being alone.

I have compromised myself in this same situation before. I quit cigarettes for a week and I felt `strong` standing as that point, then I compromised myself as all of my friends were smoking and I wanted to become like them and fit in and become part of the `brotherhood`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of a `brotherhood`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as a group of males we each stand for and as eachother protecting eachother with and as ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel `secure` within a group of males - `brotherhood`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for that security within a brotherhood so that I can be protected and protect all ego as one.

That is interesting. As one stands within a brotherhood they will all look out for one another as ego…if ones ego is attacked the group will move as one attacking the other. And If one stands up from the group they will also attack the stander, through trying to keep them locked within that same point…this is exactly like the family construct. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from security as myself. I forgive myself that I have not secured myself as myself standing as myself alone as the principle of equality and oneness, and what is best for all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to compromise myself through desiring to be within a brotherhood. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accepting myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be accepted within/as a brotherhood, thus not accepting myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that through wanting to be accepted into a brotherhood I am thus not accepting myself as myself standing alone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only stand as a group. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself to that I may relate with the group and then create a relationship within a brotherhood. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not a man if I cannot stand with/as other `men`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not a man if I do not have a girlfriend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be the idea of a man. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of what a `man` is. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be man to be all that exists, not to be a man, but to be man. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being man through defining myself as A man (male).

Idea of love

So what has been  happening is that I am constantly thinking about having a relationship or agreement with Sally. I am placing myself into my mind in relation with her to the current situation. So for example typing on this computer I would then project myself into a situation where she would be looking at this and reading this or sitting beside me….it is always sharing the experience with the person I have stuck in my mind. I have been doing this a lot recently and applied extensive forgiveness on this this morning. I have this idea of a relationship being absolute happiness = love, and I have held onto this idea/belief for most of my life…since I created the idea/belief within me. So I have been thinking about this because it provides a smile and an energetic happiness that I am addicted to. I have recently been taking on my happiness and this is the epitome of it, relationships and love. So I realize that this relationship and love is a reliance and dependence on another being for support of myself as the belief of who I am as inferiority. Meaning that I hold her as superior to me and create her as a bulding block for me to further define myself as inferiority and that she, as superiority, will stand and support me and the foundation for as me as inferiority. I have started to remove this, I am done with this happiness and joy and bliss shit. I have looked and never found and after watching V for Vendetta I noticed that the idea of love presented in movies and the idea of love accepted and allowed within me vs reality, is a one-sided battle. The idea/belief of love within me cannot exist within reality, the actions are not there, there is absolutely no love within this world…even looking at my relationship with Sally…there is absolutely no love within reality, only self and her, only what is. Ther idea of love that I have been holding onto cannot exist. So for example In V for Vendetta when Evy ends up in the prison and reads the note of a former victim of the prison and the hell that the former victim went through, there is a mention of the word love….”even though I will never see you , I will never meet you, never kiss you, I love you”. And within me at that moment I felt this feeling of complete intimacy as love within and as two people. I have come to define this as love, but it does not exist. As well it is the complete happiness that is associated with love…that no matter what happens there still is love between 2 people….again that is an utter fucking lie within me. I can only love myself because If I depend on another for support as love I will fall infinitely. Because love from another will never hold but love onto self will hold indefinitely. So I have seen this happiness within me when I fantasize about being in a relationship with Sally or, as we have shared ourselves intimately. This idea of love comes up, because again I have been searching for happiness, and noticed that I have been waiting for me to be around Sally again to be intimate with myself. This happens with many females and it is not just with Sally, I am only using Sally as an example because she is the most recent person and most relevant person at the current moment. This idea of love comes from being intimate with Sally on a mental level, We have both shared our most suppressed experience of ourselves. And within that we have allowed ourselves to be intimate, and I have defined that as love…but loving myself is to be intimate with myself unconditionally. The only reason I see and have felt love is because I have defined that experience  condtitional to Sally, or that situation, being in my direct Reality. And again this writing has been about the other. Really it is about me. I am not Life with Sally, I am my life intimacy does not come from another, it comes from me. This is my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for another being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my reality from another. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to direct my reality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be me. So I noticed that everything  I did I had another person in mind as if I am living for them…this even happened when I was alone. I communicated with myself rather than a idea of a person. I communicated with the idea of myself and completely separated myself from myself. For example as I cook I usually talk to myself as I am doing that…saying that is enough..or I need more, or I am doing this or that and how is this or that? Shit like that. Anyhow Love is simply not real, The want for another to stand with me for eternity is a lie. I no longer accept this as I give myself away to `love`. I have been looking for love for quite a long time and I am no longer going to look for it I am standing and supporting myself.

Sexuality

I have feared women. I have valued them more than me. I have placed myself in an inferiority position to women. This comes from the fact that my mom `excersized` her power of me when I was a kid. Thus I believed that women are more than me…more powerful than me. So that is the point that I have created them as more than me. When I was a kid, my sister caught me in the shower and said that my penis was small. Then valuing women more than me I valued her word more than my own. I started to believe that my penis was small. This got passed onto my classmates and other females in my class as my sister spread to word. I felt very insecure within this because I had no idea whether it was small or not and evidently neither did she. Since I valued her opinion more than mine I started to believe that my penis was small. And within this I started to fear women judging me thus seeing me as less then me, placing value on myself through/as acceptance from women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on myself through/as acceptance from females. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to value myself only if females accept me. So I was insecure about myself from there on around females. As I have realted my mental exposure to my physical exposure I never exposed myself to females. That starting point of unintentional physical exposure to a female and then being judged as inferior to my value system of penis size, which is completely ridiculous and irrelevant, I started to feel inferior to women and started to fear exposing myself around them, and started to feel awkward and uncomfortable around women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the size of a penis I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women’s value’s lie on penis size. So within that I have been fearing being judged by women as I have seen them as more powerful than me so I have resisted opening myself up to them and therefore I have been trying to create a perception of me as superior to them. I have been desiring to be accepted by them, I have been wanting to be accepted by them as I saw myself not being accepted unconditionally as a child through my mother beating me, so I have struck up conversation little bits at a time with certain females and if I feel accepted by them I will then start to create a fantasy about them, and be happy that they are accepting me, as I feel comfortable around them, not fearing being judged by them through this belief of acceptance.


This acceptance is also a form of comfort for me. I cannot have sex with another…well currently if I feel uncomfortable, if I am judging myself, I simply cannot get it up until I feel comfortable. So for example with my last girlfriend, I was staying at her house and planned to have sex with her…this was my first time and was nervous and uncomfortable so I could not get it up, this happened before as well and went in to a spiral of judgement and basically ran away from the situation, this time I had to face it as I was sleeping there. Lol my thought pattern went as such: Fuck I hope she does not judge me for this, I cannot get out of here, I am going to have to stay here for the night, then when I woke up: cool she still wants to be around me, I do not feel judged, I feel comfortable. I was then able to fuck. The main point Is that I did not judge myself entirely for this matter, I allowed it to go and felt as though she was not judging me…I ws looking for judgement within her, I was looking for the judgment of myself within her, did not find it and felt comfortable. So I have had this fear of being judged from when I was exposed to my sister and judged as being `less than` within my own mind, and attached this point to all females, allowing myself to believe that the inferior feeling I felt was real, and thus not allowing myself to again expose myself to a female. Ok So lots of memories and thoughts….When Iwas with a girlfriend before my last, this same shit happened and this is when I `ran` from facing myself, but that is beside the point. When we were to make out we would dry hump, and eventually she started giving me a hand job. I was hard before she stuck her hands down my pants, but felt that I was going limp as she started to touch me, and got nervous within this and tried as hard as I could to keep my dick hard. Within this I became immediately worried about how she would think of me and was much more focused on that than the physical feeling. It was a fear of her seeing the `real me` instead of me acting like my `dick is so big` , it was a fear that she would then and there know the `real` me. I went limp because Iwas not sharing my entire mental self with her then, I did not expose myself entirely mentally, thus allowing myself to expose myself physically. That whole event of being exposed to my sister did some interesting things to me…I was inadvertently exposed to my sister and then `mentally attacked` through the value that I held so within that moment my physical was exposed and then defined by a female who I thought to be more than me and then my mental placed an insignificance onto myself through value of penis size. So I believed that I was inferior physically to the value system of penis size and inferior to women through as power and thus believed myself to be entirely inferior to females. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal in all ways always around and to females, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my power of myself to females. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own two feet for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior.

Ok so bring this back to me, I am the one responsible for placing value on penis size, I am the one responsible for accepting the belief within myself of having a small penis, I have an average penis not small nor big so I am letting this belief and value of penis size go. I am the one who has been accepting myself to be uncomfortable around females through fear of being judged and I am the one who has been placing value on their opinion of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value females opinions of me over my own knowledge of myself. I am simply no longer going to desire to be accepted by females. I am not longer going to accept myself to feel uncomfortable around females. I am simply going to allow myself to be me I am not longer going to judge myself around females. I am not longer going to accepted myself to judge myself as inferior to females. I am not longer going to desire to be accepted by females. I am accepting myself as me around everyone. Why am I accepting myself to not accept myself around females? Because I have given my power over to them through as my belief of them being more than me, giving them the power to place value on me…HA and it all comes from me I believe that if they smile then they accept me, if they are positive then I am accepted and if they `respond` negatively then I am unaccepted thus valuing myself accordingly, I take back the power I never gave away. I empower myself from here out. Till here no further do I accept myself to give my power away to a belief of women compared to me nor do I accept myself to de-value myself around women.

Ok so what is cool is that Through feeling inferior to women I have then directed myself to males at times. I have directed myself to males…cool no discomfort writing about this. I have directed myself to this because I have felt immediately accepted by most males and have been comfortable around them for the most part, as I have had no fear of being judged around them or judging myself around them. Although there is still a uncomfortablility around my friends as I have believed that I need to be accepted so I have mimicked them to get their `approval`. And I see that now as I saw it before but never expanded on it through writing. Ok so memories : when I moved to this city from the one I `grew up` in I was very fearful of being accepted by others, it was in grade 2, but still feared being an outcast. What happened when I walked into that class was one of my former friends ran up to me and screamed do you want to be my friend? So this was like an icebreaker for me and I did not fear meeting anyone knew as I had a `way in` to the class through this individual. So from my experience I have been accepted easily by males and thus have developed a relationship with them as being comfortable around them as being accepted by them, and this being the polarity to females, so I have developed an attraction to males but again it is just from a comfort point. When I am attracted to males it is simply out of physical attraction I have never fantasized about having a relationship with a male, I have only fantasized about having a relationship with females. Females are there for support as I have seen myself as less than them, I have believed that I need a female in my life to keep me `afloat`. When I was attracted to a male today it was as if he was a like mind, one that I could relate to, as well it was the physical features. It is the exact same with a women…physical features, and being a like mind that I can relate to, as well as emotional support. So males it is about again comfortability, that I am more comfortable around them and me being attracted to myself through muscles I am then attracted to other males for the same reasons, again I cannot see me in a relationship with a male, I cannot relate to them sexually I do not enjoy sex with males, it is just that I have feared myself allowing myself to just be around females to the extent that I have directed myself towards males. I have had sex with a male, but this was because I was completely curious why sex was so big in this world and was desiring to experience it in any way. It was not out of a attraction but curiosity. When I was attracted today it felt as though that I could relate to this guy completely and the physical features is what I was attracted to as well.

K so there is no point further to take this within writing, only to live it now, I am going to remove my uncomfortability and desire to be accepted by everyone, male and female, and allow me to express myself with judgment of myself. See where that takes me, as I am seeing that the points between the female and male are roughly the same. I feel uncomfortable around males that I see as superior to me…why do I see that? And I am attracted to males that I see as equal to me same with females I am attracted to ones who I see that I am equal to, ones that I can relate to, and I feel uncomfortable around others from judging myself, as being less than and that my actions are less than theirs and that I must make others smile to not feel inferior to them. I am attracted to people who I can REALTE to, that is the key here, and I am going to remove all of these inferiorities and see where I end up and I am going to stop judging myself and see where I end up and each time bring it back to me all ways always. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring myself back to myself in all ways always. I am attracted to people who I can relate to to bring me the most comfort. So if I cannot relate to women have a female expression around that I can relate to then I will go to a male, as I see absolutely no difference between the 2. Male and Female are the same to me…it is the person who I can relate to and it does not matter to me whether or not it is female or male…I am going to investigate this further and check out everything.

Looking at the attraction to males it is physical attraction, based on muscle and style and features. I again feel comfortable around them and want to let go and be supported by them. For Females, it is again the features firstly and the face, the face says everything about the expression and that is what I am drawn to, how they express themselves. So I am attracted to a specific type of expression in another. One that I can relate to, so lets say plays video games or skates..that is the physical relation and the mental relation would be one of needing and wanting support, so that I would support them as much as they would support me. Lookin at this and bringing it back to me now, I do not need this nor am I this any longer. I have supported myself, and am working on supporting myself in All ways. It is still `inherent` within me to look for that support from another individual. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for support within an agreement/relationship within another being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally. So when that support exists I can feel comfortable in knowing that they know me well enough to push certain buttons within me to support me personality wise and ego wise. Again my solution is to investigate myself whenever an attraction arises within me and to not go into an agreement/relationship for at least a year, supporting myself within that year entirely.

I was investigating myself today within this point and I have noticed that Men I am comfortable around physically, because I have never felt judgment from them physically, but mentally I have. I am mentally comfortable around women, because I have been able to share anything mentally with women throughout my life. So this is very interesting how I was judged on my penis size and within that I started to believe myself to be inferior and I now fear exposing myself physically to women. And this whole `Men don’t share emotions` that is involved within society has affected me as well. I have allowed myself to fear exposing myself mentally to other males. So the solution is to equalize myself to both points and bring it back to me, as I am responsible for this, it is to share myself with anyone, male or female who I am able to share myself with. And to not judge myself as inferior physically.

Emotional Turmoil

Ha, first thing felt was utter lonesomeness. So I was reading Lindsays blog post about why her and Joe broke up, and I was placing myself in a broken up position while reading that, the position of when My ex(Sarah) broke up with me. Absolutely, there was definitely Turmoil there and understand the affects of it after watching the Emotion Turmoil video. I was dependant on her to live for me. I was living vicariously through her. I gave no opinion in anything, It never `mattered` to me. Meaning I always followed. Through-out the relationship I see myself as a `cling=on` I would not let go. I believed that I needed her there to have some type of value in my life, and as I have written before I valued having a girlfriend. So holding onto her was a priority of mine…it is hard to find a starting point and move from there so this is going to be jumpy. I introduced her to desteni, and felt within myself judgement and embarrassment for the belief of it being `esoteric` and `odd` that was a belief I had then, and do not care what people think about it, I do not have thoughts about it, it is. So I was very uncomfortable sharing that with her, I was again dependant on her and she obviously held shit back about her thoughts on desteni, so when I brought it up the first few times I was attacked, and like in many other instances I set life aside for bullshit. I stopped talking about desteni for quite some time, My priority was keeping her around. I valued her life over mine. But not really, I valued her personality over mine, and was relying on her to support me as a personality through making decisions, and me following thus becoming her in a way. I gave up desteni for sometime, not entirely gave up, but really slowed down my participation and heavily involved myself in this relationship. Everytime I needed a refresher I would look up what was new for the material, although my participation could have been MUCH more. My writing started to become a point of blame and judgment, and not self-reflection, my writings were consisting of her that and her this. Looking at the Backchatting I was constantly thinking about breaking up with her, and moved on that point a few times, but I never followed through, this was a point of manipulation of me a form of scare tactics, to keep her around. The first time this happened I was feeling inferior and depressed and said that this was not going to work out, she broke into tears and within this saw how much I was wanted, and saw that through this I could keep her around, and that is what it somewhat became….a game of breaking up, as we `broke` up a few times. And truly I did want to break up, that was who I was in Honesty, I did not want to keep her around, I would have liked to move independent from her and focus on what I wanted to do, as I knew that I was giving up desteni for her and was giving up a lot of my `free` time to be with her. But I created that dependency, Value, and Reliance on that relationship, so I could not let it go. It felt liberating when I let it go the few times that I did, I `no longer` needed to worry about what she was feeling, I no longer cared about her thoughts/opinions on things. I am getting off of track here. So within backchatting I had hidden all of these thoughts, and within writing as well, I never allowed her to see my writings as they were full of blame. So I was constantly hiding myself and trying to deceive her to see a different person….that is why She broke up with me…I was not willing to let go, and she saw the truth. When breaking up I felt the energy absolutely dissipate, noticed this and said is there anything your holding back, she said no, and I said  when she is ready to tell me. So after an hour or so, she said that she wanted to break up that she no longer saw anything in me. Within this I was paralyzed, completely immovable, not out of fear, but realizing what is going on…ok yes out of fear, of realizing that I am now going to be alone and have no one to guide my within life. What is interesting is that I am sure this revolved around money. So I was not sure what to do…I was trying to stand on my own two feet again…this was a great lesson for me in who I have become. I had to go through this point to learn. So in the video Emotional Turmoil and Radical Relationships, Bernard explains that one will rush heavily into religion and/or spirituality, and at that point it was desteni for me, it was still something that it really isn’t for me. I felt lost and was trying to find out myself again, trying to restart everything…I was restarting everything as In that moment I was completely dependant and reliant on Sarah to live for me, to get me to live, she was my motivation to get up, although within using the word love I was deceiving her as within backchatting I was disgusted with her because I was disgusted with myself for giving up on myself and valuing her more. So she became my value to stay alive, to get up and to exist, so when we broke up I did not know where to go or what to do. I rushed back to desteni and participated fully, when I look at this now as I did when watching the video (Emotion Turmoil) there definitely is a point that I must physically move through and that would be a relationship that again I must remove because it is unsupportive within the terms of LIFE. I see that I must stand for myself when another point like that exposes itself within me, where I start to give myself up because of ideas and beliefs surrounding myself….I have started this process by removing ideas that I have of myself and bringing myself back to the physical living as my life, I still hold onto ideas around certain people that I have become comfortable being `this` around them, and have recently been removing that as past desires and inhibitions were flag points that I noticed…that around thepeople I felt comfortable with I wanted to smoke, and alone I noticed that I have stopped.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reliant and dependant on others. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to depend and rely on myself, trusting myself to hold myself up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female expression to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value others personalities over my own life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value personality over life.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. Again a bit off track, So I heavily invested myself into desteni again, knowing that there is where I needed to be to get back to life andplace myself in the `right` direction. I started writing on the forum and watching videos everyday again, There is regret towards giving myself up for a relationship, giving myself up meaning stopping participating in what I wanted to do for another, because I see that if I were to continue the way that I was when I first found desteni then I could have understood a lot more much quicker….so that is a desire to not have my history existent, to change my history…I have looked at this point yesterday and it is what it is, there Is no changing it, I am here and on the path, and being `farther ahead` in process is a lie and a deceit , I have to live with what is here and move myself with what is here and if it is unsuitable for the conditions of life then I take the time to remove it.

Relatonship, Memories and How I have devoloped.

Ok so what I have related all of this to is the fact that as a kid, I was beat physically. From that point on, there were compounding thoughts from that one moment of being inferior, orsituations where I would allow myself to believe that I was inferior to the other or the situation. When existing in inferiority one is existing at that one side of the polarity. I have constantly allowed myself to feel inferior and express inferiority, I have been constantly through out my life questioning my self value in compared to another. I would question my own answer because another said a different answer and I would value their answer over my own = Inferiority, and non-existent self-value. I allowed myself to believe that I was inferior to my MOTHER, that word is key, for her beating me, I felt as if I had absolutely no power. So in past relationships I have given up all of my power, decisions, my own answers and directed myself through/as the other being because I felt inferior to them, allowed myself to express inferiority, and gave up my power of self, to my own inferiority…I did not give up my power to `them` I can only give it up to my own inferiority. What this Happiness shit and desire for a girlfriend is supported by….It is fascinating how intertwined all of this is….perfectly systematically implanted, through experiences. ..the media and love movies….when I watched a love movie, I allowed myself to feel the emotion that was implied…again there it is a feeling based on an interpretation = thin air = nothing…and I enjoyed that feeling of love…Ah it was called love but all I saw was happiness, so I started to believe that Love was happiness, that it brought great happiness, and so therefore within existing in inferiority for most of my life, I started to think that having a relationship would get me out of this feeling of inferiority, by making me happy…from the perception of polarity….so I started to desire a relationship, girlfriend to support me as inferiority, as me seeing that they are superior to me and capable of supporting me emotionally….That what a relationship has been for me a desire for support EMOTIONALLY, where I believe myself to be inferior and me seeing them as superior/stronger can help me out of the slump of depression that I would exist within, I would want them to `cheer me up`, there is the reliance of support within having a relationship/agreement.

So through my mother beathing me as a child, I then came to rely on my mother..as memory comes up where she tried to throw me on my bed out of anger, whips me by my arm and I am unable to hold myself up…my knees collapse, and I hit my back on the bed frame…within that moment I was extensively hurt, and my mother coming to her `senses` rushes to me and holds me trying to sooth me, this was a bundle of afuck up, as within that moment a person who I relied on `betrayed` me by physically hurting me, and then within that moment I was looking for soothing, some comfort, and I got it from the person who `betrayed` me, so growing up there was a large hate towards my mother, I felt very confused towards her….In the ages of 13-16 I swore extensively at her, I loathed her to no limit, I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to abuse another with my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express hate/anger within words. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately try and hurt another with my words. AS well in that span of time I resisted every touch of hers, I hated her touching me, I resisted it entirely/completely. Each time that she would touch me, I felt a sharp pain…I created a sharp pain wherever she touched me, If she hugged me I would be paralyzed like in that moment when she tried to sooth me and would not move, not hug her back, I put up with the hug until it was over…feeling disgusted during the hug. It came to a point where if she tried to touch me I would dodge her touch, I would physically resist that touch, and move away from her hand, and literally dodge myself out of the way of her hand, so that she would not touch me, because of that pain that I manifested each time she touched me. So I have existed as this inferiority in relation to my mother, and I have allowed this to stick with me through out my life. So within existing in inferiority I have existed as sadness…a lot of emotions that are on the `negative` side of the polarity. I have accepted and allowed this within me. I have been searching for something to make me happy, so I have looked and searched for something else to make me happy, not taking resposibilty for my own unhappiness, blaming it on my mother for most of my teenage years. So I saw the solution of being happy having a girlfriend who would love me, and support me, through times of negativity, thus again separating myself from myself and not taking responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my umhappiness on my mother. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look outside of myself to replace the sorrow that I felt/feel. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto that feeling of inferiority throughout my entire life. …So this inferiority is related to my suicidal tendencies….as it has come from a point…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even now blame my mother for my inferiority, thus blaming her for my sucicdal tendencies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still exist in inferiority in comparison to my mother. I am going to continue this, I started to rely on a relationship…any relationship to make me happy, I found that I can make myself happy by fantasizing but each time I would come into reality seeing that I do not have happiness in the form of a relationship and thus manifest more sadness, believing myself to be less than a relationship and this is why I do not approach women…FEAR. From watching movies I started to create those same situations within my mind revolving around my life, so that I would feel that happiness, I just got home from work and my mind is a bit fucked, Iwas not breathing correctly during work, no anger though. Getting beat ( I typed brat as a typo) as a kid, I allowed myself to install in feariority within me, I started to fear speaking out and sharing myself through fear of being hit, feeling less powerful then. Her being my mother = female in my life, I started to fear women, yet at the same time desire them. I need to start a new point

When desiring a relationship, I believe that it will bring me happiness, so when I think that someone coming into my life gives the opportunity to start a relationship with I start to fantasize about happiness, as I believe that having a relationship makes one happy, that having a relationship is complete happiness. So I have hated myself for a while, for not being who I want to be, for not being comfortable with myself around others, for all of these fears that I have. So I have developed escape methods and one is fantasizing about `positive` situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about happy situations to escape from myself hating myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for hating myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself, and to do what is best for me as life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of happy/positive projections. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the fact that I am uncomfortable with myself most of the time. Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself, to give myself comfort.

To re-cap getting beat as a child allowed me to create a point within myself of inferiority towards others, as less then and I must be them, as I was beat for being myself for the most part, thus allowing myself to create a point of fearing being myself, thus creating the inferiority. I have existed as that inferiority for most of my life and within that have been constantly looking for happiness, been in the constant pursuit of happiness. As being raised in this system I saw love as complete happiness from fairy tales and kids movies, and at that point started to desire happiness in the form of love, thus then and there creating a point of desiring a relationship to make myself feel happy. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself have an idea of what happiness is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that I am happy, Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceice myself by making myself believe that I am happy. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my own movement and decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for validation of myself….I look a the clock/time/numbers to help me confirm myself, and recently this has stopped as I have been more stable as myself, and not looking for that validation but trusting myself to do what is best for me, instead of looking to be guided.

Desire, A general overview

I am continuing with my one a day point, and right now it is desires, I am doing a general overview of desire in the whole, The next few days I am going to take on each point individually, as there are a few sub-points within the point desiring.

As I have started to write this out I find that I desire an experience that I have had previously to using a substance/action. For instance sex, within sex I have an energetic experience of complete relief, so it is not sex that I am desiring/addicted to, it is the experience of it. When I think about a desire I think about the specific experience I had in relation the the desire. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to addict myself to a specific experience realted to a action/substance. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in desiring a specific expereince that I had in the past.

The expreiences that I desire are all related to an energetic feeling. Looking at all the points it is a feeling of relief, smoking, escaping, sex, sugar, it is all a relief from something. I desire the feeling of relief. Within relief I stop worrying about everything, I stop stressing about everything. That is interesting that a common point within this is relief of myself, and my participation in the mind.

Within desires I think about and action or substance that I have programmed within myself or have been pre-programmed and I then think about the experience realted to that action/substance and desire to have it in the current moment. Within this I project myself into the expereince and start to crave having it now.

At times I have stopped this, but I continue to participate in the thought and resist the fact that I am participating in it. I resist the fact by saying "no" and disregarding it out of fear of being controlled, I then allow it to come again and resist again and this sends me into desiring whatever I am wanting, for example resisting cigarettes and the feeling it gives me only perpetuates the desire for having a cigarette as the experience of having a cigarette, would alleviate to experience I am having which is fighting with myself through/as resisting myself. So within that it only makes the situation worse for myself, and then I eventually give in through the accumulation effect of my participation.

Within desires I think about the `enjoyment` that I experienced within a memory and then I want to enjoy that experience more and more and more and more = the way this system is = more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want more of an experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in excessivenss. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in necessity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas about experiences.

Within desires, I participate in an idea about what I want, and Idea of a desire. For an example, desiring a stable relationship I participate in the idea I have about one, and then desire that Idea, try and manifest that idea.

So within desires I crave a expereince of an idea of an experience that I have separated myself from as me, and then try and attain that experience through re-creating the same situation and I had within the past when I had that specific experience, I also participate in ideas about an experience relating to a specific action/enviroment/substance, All desires are related to a specific experience I had within a past experience, and a desire to attain that expereince agian in the moment,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to recreate a specific expereince that I had in a past memory/experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to re-create that experience by participating in desires, I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in each moment new. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project past experiences into the current moment.

Pursuit of happiness = Bullshit

Recently I watched a Video by Bernard talking about pursuit of happiness, and a quote caught my attention, it was "diabetes is the pursuit of sweetness, sorry I mean happiness. Having Dieabetes I looked into this and noticed that almost all of my actigons and habits were based on happiness or the search for it. My attraction to other beings is certainly one that is from happiness, believing that happiness withh be a result of having a relationship. Happiness is jsut an energetic reaction to a situation. I have been watching tv recently and I have been reacting to that one moment in almost every movie where both people are smiling and `joking` around and they have established that trust within a relationship. My reaction to this to smile and be happy along with them, because I have created that reaction point within to go alonf with others when happiness is involved. When I feel that happiness, I am completely distracted from here, not being aware of myself, and I latch onto that feeling and hold it tight. I have allowed myself to participate in happiness a large amount of myself as time, and  have established a point where I move into happiness a lot. For instance I was thinking about smoking and got a bit happier within that moment because I would get what I wanted which would provide that experience of happiness that I gathered from being a kid. Interesting that  I want love and still want a relationship, so I belive that If I get what I want it will provide happiness. One point that I have noticed is that when I move for myself as myself for what is best for me I enjoy myself much more! There is no Energetic happiness it is a gratefullness for myself within moving myself for what is best for me!