Politeness = Judgment, Supression

Since moving into this new environment, I have been limiting myself within expressing myself through existing as the `expression` of politeness. I have noticed that politeness is only a limitation as I have been limiting myself of expressing myself through my definition of politeness

What I have been doing within the want to be polite is that I have been keeping myself somewhat secluded, I have not asked questions, basically I have been `keeping myself out of the way` so that the others that live in this house will have their same experience.

It is a point of keeping myself so small and `out of the way` that it is like I do not exist. That is what I am attempting to achieve in fact, yet I have only seen this point now in this moment. I am attempting to become as small as possible = have as little effect on the environment as possible so that the experience of the other people that are here will be the `same` for them as they have been living together for their lives and I am `new` to this place.

Through existing within my definition of politeness I am limiting myself by attempting to not been seen or heard, or smelt even lol. In the first day that I was here I felt incredibly uncomfortable due to the `politeness` that I have been existing in, I felt uncomfortable because I was unsure of where to put all of my shit, and I did not want to `impose` myself onto the other people that are living here so I did not ask questions or assist myself through communicating points to the other people here, I kept myself quiet and I allowed myself to suppress myself through/within/as politeness.

When I started to set up my room I was unsure of where to put my stuff as some things of the person who was previously living here were still in here and I did not want to move that stuff around through/as politeness and through/as possession/ownershit,  not seeing the item (It me) for what it was = me as life here as substance in actuality. So I left it there and then moved myself and the shit that I carry with me and use around the item that I was defining as `not mine` and thus I have not `right` to touch it or move it.

At that time I was feeling very overwhelmed with things and was noticing that I was participating in the limitation of/as politeness so I stopped that in that moment and moved the shit that I carry around with me and use to where/how I wanted it to be placed.

Still though I have been limiting myself within my expansion of myself, through trying to make myself as small as can be and thus not `impose` myself onto the people here or this environment. Points that I have been limiting myself within have been hygiene, movement, sounds, placing things in places = taking power over the placement, and food. I have see now that I have been limiting my power as myself through/as expression and power of /as myself here through attempting to make myself as small as possible and attempting to exist like I don’t exist lolol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use politeness as an expression of me when in fact it is a limitation of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear imposing myself onto other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expanding myself within a new environment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that politeness is the best way to act when in `new company`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within being `polite`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what is best for me = wash my clothes, place my hygiene products in the bathroom, or feed myself properly in any and every situation/environment that I place myself within
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself to extensively that I believe it to be polite to limit myself and to attempt to make myself as small as possible to not influence, impose myself onto people or the environment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself unconditionally, through/as living the word joy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself expressing myself unconditionally within as joy through existing within my definition of politeness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself locked in my room = enslaved, through wanting to not be heard and not be seen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and call this `politeness`
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay away from the people that live here as well when I move out of my room in attempts to keep myself unheard and unseen, but really judging myself.

When  I start to hide myself I look at what I am trying to hide and I look at what I am judging about it, and if need be I disconnect myself from it and stop attaching any ideas and beliefs unto the action I am doing or about to do. I breathe and simply place myself here as me in the physical, I look at myself ad only live for me. I do what I must and what is best for me. I do not allow myself to judge my actions before hand with projections about what/how I may be perceived. I breathe I do the action I move on.

Lack of Fear Creates Enjoyment

Apr 7th 2011


Today at work I was working with the fear of time constraints, within the fear of being fired, fear of not having money and then the fear of death. The starting point here is fear of death then it grows outwards. During work I usually fear not being able to get done on time, within this I fear being incompetent, thus I then fear being fired, not having enough money and then dieing through lack of money. So today I was moving within/as these fears, when I realized I was doing this IS topped and moved myself for/as myself not caring whether or not I get the work done and removing that fear. I noticed that when I stopped this fear I starting moving a hell of a lot slower and started to breathe more, I became relaxed, my voice changed, my tone of voice changed, and all together myself changed. I relaxed myself and enjoyed myself. There was still backchatting going on, but it was not as hard to stop, as in work previously moving myself quickly trying to get everything done, I have eextensive backchat and I do not stop as I physically do not stop. I was able to stop the backchatting easier and I did not become frustrated with still backchatting. I slowed myself down entirely, and I did not get all of my work done. A starting point within this is asking to be cut. When I started I said if hours need to be cut I would not mind going home early, and within this I had no fear of losing money, I purposely placed myself within it. When I get cut I usually rush again and harder trying to still get everything done knowing that it simply is not possible. So I am going to apply this again tomorrow and stop the backchatting entirely. One way that I have found this helps is to fell the physical, is to purpose feel the physical placing myself on holding the broom, or mop handle and allowing myself to feel the movements. I enjoy the movements as I create them and I enjoy the flow that I can create with the mop. So there is a point that I can enjoy within work so I am going to place myself within that tomorrow and see how that goes, I am going to remove all fears, and am going to notice my backchat more and stop it placing myself within the physical and breathing. So I mean the interesting thing here is the fact that I went slow. I am intrigued by this. Because it is an expression of me. When I do not fear I slow down extensively. In everything that I do. When I was skateboarding today I met up with friends that I have consistently felt inferior to and within this I was rushing trying to run from the fear lol. So I realized this and placed myself as myself and enjoyed the movement more, yet I still accepted the inferiority and quickly again fell into that fear thus again attempting to run from it by pushing myself to skate `harder` same point within work, instead of facing the fear I push myself harder physically to escape the fear. As well I do not try `hard` tricks that I cannot land consistently, I like to do many tricks that I can land consistently to keep that flow `alive`. It is a lot more enjoyable that way because I can continue in motion instead of trying to trick and failing 5 out of 10 tries to which I then have to start the motion all over again. I enjoy keeping the motion alive and then trying a difficult trick eventually, not just jumping right into the difficultness. So yes I `fell`. I learned from it and I am going to skateboard for MY enjoyment, as I was skateboarding today I was doing tricks to be noticed as `skillful` rather than doing it for my own enjoyment of the activity. So simply I am going to skate for my enjoyment, not to be noticed as good or bad, Ah as well I noticed that I judged myself extensively while skateboarding in public, degrading myself for not landing a trick, so that other people will see me get frustrated and think that not landing the trick was acceptable through my frustration which I laugh at now. :) because it is ridiculous. I noticed that that is a main poijt for my while skateboarding which is doing it for attention :))) Quest to be seen = Quessy. So again my enjoyment does exist in this yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy myself and that is what I am going to place myself in doing in skateboarding from now on.

So In an equal money system People will simply Enjoy work!!! as there will be no fear

Pushing through Resistances - Wanting Destruction

Mar 20th 2011 1:21pm


I did have a resistance to writing when I woke up. I had a resistance because I slept 13 hours. I simply let myself sleep that amount of time because I do have anything to do right in that moment. I have noticed that I do this more frequently at my moms, I have been sleeping until the last minute, and neglecting to do my insulin on a schedule. I start to give up on myself here, and allow the pre-programming to take control instead of taking control of myself. I do not necessarily have a resistance to writing but I have a resistance to applying myself of taking that breath and looking inward at myself in what I am currently. There is a resistance to watching videos, that will expose a point within me that I then judge myself for and push myself to work through. I realize that the judgment is of no affect and does truly only impede on my physical expression, meaning that if I have a thought of judgment I will go into a inferior position and not speak much and look for others to console me. I noticed that today when I picked up my mom…I was judging myself for sleeping that much and I stopped that judgment as I noticed that I had a expression on myself of inferiority. The resistance is gone. There was really nothing to resist. The only point that I see within this is the resistance because I have judged myself. I judged myself as being inferior for allowing myself to sleep, and thus I did not want to face that point as I saw that I gave myself up to something and did not push myself through, and I did not want to expose that point = write it out, post it. So there is no resistance now because, simply there is no more judgment of myself. I am here pushing myself within writing I am still applying myself within reading so that I can analyze things a bit better than seeing what I want to see, hearing what I want to hear…this is cool though as it directly shows me me. I mean as I have been watching the news on Japan I have been directed and stimulated by destructive words, by hopeless situations, so I am still holding onto that want of the world to crumble, of the situation now to be destroyed, but through participating in desteni I have realized that this is not the solution nor what is best for all. If this Nuclear situation gets worse and affects all of Japan that is not what is best for all life, it is not best for all of humanity…maybe it will allow us to see the error of our ways, and possibly give us the motivation to stop and take a look at the consequences of our actions. But that is beside the point, the point within me is the fact that I am still hoping for the destruction of humanity, still blaming humanity for everything that is here, separating myself from humanity. I am equally responsible for what is here, we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of humanity to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself towards destructive words, to destructive scenarios, to `negative` things.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is best for all

Seeing what is best for all is one thing and the reality is another, meaning that the nuclear plant is fucking up…not much I can do about it right now, but what is best for all is not hoping that is will stop and all will be better, it is not allowing this to happen again by changing the world, as well I will look at the reality, not again hoping for destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attracted to destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want there to be no hope for humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all humans

I Realize that hoping for the destruction of humanity does not solve the problem

I realize that doing what is best for all does not include hoping

I stop looking for the destruction of humanity

I am not separate from humanity

I stop myself from hoping

I realize that changing humanities ways is the solution, and within that I must change my ways, so therefore I must change the want for destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of the Earth

I forgive myself for acceting and allowing myself to see destruction as a solution

within the want for destruction, it is only a want to avoid responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed on this Earth and not actually a solution

The solution is to make sure that humanity will never bring this hell around again.

the solution is to remove the hell from me.

Seriously?!

I am not seeing the physical istuation I am only seeing the mental. Meaning that I am seeing the mental side of things when I look at a being I am not registering the fact that they need to eat, breath, and have shelter over their heads all I fcking see it the clothing, the appearance of them I see intelligence, or lak there of, I see age, I see discrimination, I see separation of myself from the fact that I need to eat. I mean !!! seriously? Was that what I was missing? It is. I could not get myself out of this point lol this is sad from the fact that I separated myself from life that much. We all need to eat we all need to breathe! Jesus this is so obvious but I have been trying to think my way ot of this shit only digging myself deeper. I still think about the appearance and how they `appear` to me. I have been thinking of and as the mind trying to find a difference from each person to the next not looking for similarities always trying to define and separate so that is what I have done to myself = separated myself from life, from breath, from eating, from everything that supports my life.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind that I did not allow myself to see/realize that All beings need to eat, that all beings need to breathe, that all beings feel pain, that all beings need to be supported. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see every human as they `appear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as I appear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define appearance. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that all beings no matter what need to eat, the must breathe, that I am equal to them in breath, that there is no difference between me and them within breath. So if I have disregarded this fact within other people I have disregarded it within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not be aware that each breath supports my life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need each breath for my life. I forgive myself to create this living experience through/as breath. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath life into me and let go within exhaling. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that each breath is me as my life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath in each moment allowing myself to create and direct each moment. I forgive mself that I have given up my breath to thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support thoughts through breathing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not changing. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself by giving myself breath, food, shelter, to support myself as life. I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe, eat, live, through and as thoughts supports thoughts, supporting the system, supporting my own enslavement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing others to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing starvation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat for taste. I forgive myself tat I have not accepted and allowed myself to eat for sustaining my life here in the physical. What did I create of myself! I have become the system entirely within looking at this. Every part of the system I am or have become. To the extent that I am not AWARE that I need to eat as all others to sustain my life. That I have never ate to sustain my life it has all about pleasing the mind/the system. Well enough of this we all need to eat we all breathe we are all the same within this physical life, I have been hearing the words but have not lived them as I have not lived a breath only what I believe to have been living a breath. I am breathing to support my life in each and every breath. Fucking crazy I am for not seeing this. And I feel embarrassed for this but it doesn’t matter as embarrassment does not support life. I forgive myself that I have not been aware that I need to breathe and eat to support my life

Judging Myself

I have been looking at judging myself today as I have noticed that I judge others the way that I judge myself…and I have not noticed this through judging them before. So there are a few things that I judge myself on…Skill, Appearance, Ethnicity, Diligence/commitment, Letting myself Down, Sophistication/Intelligence. These are all things that I have valued, and placed within myself as valuable, and I judge myself to try and create value. So I have valued a positive point, and do not value the negative, so I value being skinny, or fit, or strong, and I do not value fat, out of shape, or weak. So I have feared being weak, I have feared being fat, I have feared being out of shape. So I have created This value on perception and appearance from/by the media. Believing that Being skinny is better than being fat in the sense that you will be more accepted within society…and that is true…they do not make things for fat people, seats on trains, seats on plains, seats in general. Well I am thinking about the extreme example where someone won’t be able to fit into a seat because of their weight. Seats are made for average people. Seats are made for the average man and women, the extreme example are not taken into consideration…it is not equally valued within this world and that is what I fear being…not valued or considered in this world. So I become the system when trying to be skinny and judge others for being fat…not valuing them equally. They are the exact same…I have become the system this world is in this regard. As I have become the average male to try and fit into society…Literally, and by fitting in I have become the system and the system does not value all life equally, does not take into consideration all life equally, and therefore I have not valued all life equally and then judge fatness as myself through fear of not fitting in.

This is all an idea of what is valuable. We are placed into a world where average is accepted. Everywhere. So Me desiring to be accepted by everyone means that I would desire to be average…based on a value system. And it is all within judgment, so I judge fatness I judge skinnyness so I have programmed myself to be average…meaning that I will strive to be average, because I do not allow myself to be fat through fear, and I do not allow myself to be skinny through fear…another example is muscle, and again this is all media implantation. I desire to have muscle, to be defined by muscle, but again not too much because I judge too much muscle as a bad thing…an ugly thing and I do not accept that.

When I judge I look at a `defect` that I see within myself, and place it on another person. I am having trouble writing, I understand the point but am having trouble communicating it. There is a block, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people for my own insecurities, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my own insecurities, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own insecurities onto other people.

That s exactly what I do, project my own insecurities onto other people. I try and make myself feel superior where I feel inferior through calling my inferiority within them less than the inferiority within me. This never works as I always will still feel shitty, and inferior to the person that I am judging.

K for example I judged this lady for having a protruding nose, and I have often judged myself for the exact same reason. Having a protruding nose, During a class in high school, A classmate nick named me birdface, so I was called birdface, and started to feel very insecure about this point and from what I remember I was not insecure about this point before. The point is that I will pick out the inferiorities I see within me within them. I will place my own inferiorities onto them. And judge them for it.

So everything that I judge myself for I have placed some type of value on, like clothing, muscle, and idea of value from getting attention or being desired, that if I look a certain way and act a certain way and be perceived a certain way that I will be desired and wanted and within that be accepted in society and my fear of being accepted will not be at the forefront of my mind…but most likely it would. I have placed value on that and it has been supported by the belief and value that the more friends one has the more valuable the person is…popularity. It is a game of popularity…inferiority is. I was reading a magazine that said “they’re just like us” referring to famous people, in order to say that one must believe that they are not like us, one is justifying ones own belief that they are more than us, different, more valuable. Thus one is believing that Famous people are superior to us, that we are all inferior to celebrities, and it is all based on money, that we feel inferior because we do not have as much money, and that we believe that we will never accumulate that amount of money so, we become jealous and need to judge them because we feel so damn inferior. A cool point and an obvious point I was looking at when I was cleaning the washrooms at work. One sees pee as disgusting, from my experience because it belongs to a person, and that person we are defining by a personality, believing I don’t want that person’s piss on me EW…really saying ew to that person. But looking at it in common sense, pee goes through the exact same process in anyones body, it is exactly the same and the personality cannot be attached to it, There it ABSOLUTELY NO difference from one persons pee to anothers. That is equality. So when we find pee or poo disgusting when we do not find our own, we create a belief of who that could have come from and create a value based on our imagination of who that substance came from and then define it as gross….I am sure that a celebrities piss could be sold on Ebay. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imagining of the owner of someones piss and define them as less than me believing that piss to be `gross`, through believing the imagining of the person to be gross. So we all define ourselves as gross then! We can only imagine ourselves, We can only create ourselves, so when we create that person who owns the piss we create an imagination of ourselves being gross. Thus we have defined and separated ourselves from piss as `gross`. There are many points within this that I have not taken on before so I am going to do what I did for desires and pull them out one by one and write and vlog about them, like appearance….appearance is a large on and has very many subcategories, I mean I really cannot see anything else that I judge a person on…So it is all about appearance, with many sub-categories…grammar, clothing, money, intelligence, sophistication, skill, tastes in movies, music, physical shape Ethnicity, Culture, if any more come up I will add and take on all of these, somein the same article some may take up an entire article…not sure yet

Work and an EX

I am experiencing extreme frustration right now, or well it has subsided a bit now that I have sat down and started to write. During work I was lost in my mind, To a total extent, I mean really fucking lost, I experienced the same stress as before but was now aware of how lost I am within my mind while working…this only exists while I work. What happened was that I was smiling and not minding work as I had to expectations of what work will be like, I knew what it would be LIKE but not specifically. So I was prepared for what I knew….So everything was going smoothly, I was prepared and not stressed out about having to do this or that…I then talked to one of my former teachers, and told him I liked his class and that he was a fearless man, as he `geeked` out most of the time and it takes guts to do that. I was planning to do that for a while as I kept on seeing him at both of my jobs and wanted to share that with him because I was an ass in his class, I was a disturbance and ego within that class, so I wanted to share that with him because I was a fool within his class like it was my repentance, so even the act of sharing that with him was for ego, as it was planned out. So after I said that I went back to work, and I kept on replaying it over and over and was trying to stop, but I couldn’t…I was feeding my ego within that moment, and analyzing my actions so that I would be able to define myself. This wasn’t too bad I was able to stop it periodically and just needed to focus, after this my ex-girlfriend came by with her boyfriend, and I have been blocked and removed from her life and completely ignored as I have walked past her before and seen her at work before, so I know that she ignores me, as well as her boyfriend as I knew him too. This is what got to me…them ignoring me entirely, and snickering as well…my left scapula s twitching as I am writing this out. I then allowed myself to go into defence of my EGO! Ok in believing that I need repect and attention, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require attention. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my ego. Defending my ego in that I feel inferior to her, and that I believe that I should not be ignored as life, and that I would like to be recognized by her, and say hello to humane. But that is not the way it is…I defended myself with looking at my life and believing myselfto be better than her…trying to make myself believe that Iam better than her by doing process and involving myself within desteni…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fact that I participate in desteni as a superior point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior than others who do not participate in desteni. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see equality in life…The fact is is that I was giving her special attention…as her being my EX and not seeing her as another piece of life. I saw her as being significant as I am sure that many people who walk by me daily will laugh and judge me yet I do not care, it is only because of the fact that I dated her, felt emotions with her that I obviously have not dealt with yet. The emotions are being `in love` with her, I felt love for her..I thought that was love and I am still holding on the that desire for love, and I `had` it with her, although I disliked most of the time we spent together, It must be because I had someone to be there by my side and I was open with, and now I am being ignored like I do not exist and that openness is gone now…again it is because I was open with HER and not everyone…not open with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to believe that my ex-girlfriend has a significance in mylife. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a significance of my Ex-girlfriend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the idea of love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love brings me happiness. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of my ex-girlfriend. I am equal to her…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inferior to her. I let go of this now, it is irrelevant to myself as life, it still infects my life, but the dis-ease will disappear, as I start to not care what she thinks of me or care about the relationship we have now. I went through a lot of hate and anger during work over holding onto that, and letting it fester within me. I was thinking about smoking to get out of my mind as I was completely stuck in it until Icould write, so that is just another point that I had to move through, I am sure that it will come up again, as a test and kep testing me until I stop the anger stress and beliefs that a cigarette will cure that and until I can get myself out of my mind. Anyways that shit doesn’t matter and I do not know it it is just ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what my ex-grlfriend thinks of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what other people think about me. This is going to go, I am not going to allow a belief, idea of her to control me, I am not going to allow that idea to exist within/as me. I am not going to allow this inferior bullshit to run me scared.

I have am writing more about me and work, and will post it soon.

Ego

Myself writing as Ego. I have noticed that I write as ego, that when Iwrite I see that I use the word I a lot….I am not writing ego out I am only supporting it by writing as it….That is what I believe lol, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write based on beliefs of who I am.


Ok so Through reading a short bit of my writing a sentence or two, I notice that the words that I use are egotistical, in the sense that I write through/as a belief of who I am and not as life as who I am. I am trying to convince myself or others that I am here for life within my writings…I am, but I am existing through a belief of me being here for life, not as a knowledge. I should be here for myself as life, I am here right now for other life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do this process for myself as life I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `prove` that I am standing for life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing my words be the proof that I am standing for life. In my words, It is all about a belief that I am ego. It is not coming from a starting point of self-honesty. I was writing to try and become something. I have been writing to try and achieve something, and this is all within/as ego. I think about a thought to write about before I write and that is how the ego comes out in my writing. It is interesting as I saw my writing as `negative` and something that is not supporting life. I was not supporting life with my writings, only sharing myself as ego. I was doing nothing but putting words down in a order of what I believed they should be in to promote an idea of myself…again. I am sure that this is why I have been fearing desteni members seeing my deceit, and why I have been fearing my posts. This had to come out in one way or another. Breathing while writing is how myself as life comes out. It seems as though that I cannot escape ego, as the starting point for this was Avery’s words and how he uses them in comparison to mine. Hmm I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my words with anothers. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself as value within/as my own words. I judged myself on my own words. I judged them as being less than anothers words. My self as life in/as words should support life. I am still in the process of looking at all of my deceit. My words do not support life, as far as I can tell within them all of my words are me as ego. . “Within today I have been not caring a lot, I have not been feeling much, my breath application has fallen behind today as I have been escaping a lot from here as reality” lol now I do not see the ego. Here is Ego, “I fear being alone, I must face this though, and place myself being alone. I am going to place myself being alone and remove that last friend…I am thinking about Bernard’s words of the friend(s) that you see as good are your evil. I knew this before and have been reluctant to remove this friend from my life as I saw him as a `better` than the rest friend” that is the deceit that I am talking about. When I write there I am speculating about what I must do and something to support that belief of what I must do. I feel disgusted when I read that. I do not write supporting myself as life but as ego and what I `must` become. My starting point when writing was to create proof through writing and to support an idea of me. I forgive myselffor accepting and allowing myself to support and idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea.

Judgment

Jan 13th 2011


I am going to start to write out a point within me every day and post it on a blog and do a vlog on it after I have written it out. I will not be able to post and share one each day because I do not always have access to the internet but I will still write one up and post each one that I have missed on a day where I have internet access.

I will start to write about judgment. This point came up in the morning and decided that it would be the one I would take on. I have been looking at how I judge, where it comes from and why I do it. I judge to try and create a definition for myself. I compare myself to others who I have solidly defined and relate myself to them within better or worse. 1 or 2, is or isn’t. I look at other people anddefine myself as better or worse compared to them and believing that I have a solid definition I start to think that I have a solid definition of myself. It starts from inferiority. I comparemyself on physical appearance to others, so what happens is that I have a inferiority construct within me and I allow that to define me as inferior, I then think that I am physically inferior to others as I compare physicality, that which I can immediately see. I then try and find some point that I have knowledge and information about that is part of their ego, as I cannot physically make myself superior, I try and make myself feel mentally superior, by using knowledge and information. So for instance, I would see a strong person, compare myself, define myself as inferior, and them being superior in relation to being strong and more attractive to women’s eyes, and convince myself that they are asshole, I am nice, they are idiotic, and I am intellectual and sophisticated, all because I believe myself to be inferior, based on attractiveness and sexual appeal to female’s eyes, so it obviously comes from a desire for sex and a relationship, and the whole alpha male bullshit.

I judge people based on fashion as well…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value fashion, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fashion, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value a perception of cool. MEdia provides a sense of inferiority and superiority and significance onto people based on money….this is where it comes from. Money, from the point of having it or not. Relating to fashion, I judge based on clothing type. In the first second I look at a person I immediately place a value on them based on their clothing that they buy, so I place a value on them for their money, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others based on money, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge based on money, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a judgment point from money, I forgive myself that I hae accepting and allowing myself to define myself as money, I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to judge other based on money, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in this world to place money over life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value money over life. This is interesting to see exactly how I judge and all the constructs that are involved = Inferiority, Money, Value, Sex, Relationship. It mostly stems from trying to place myself above others, and Why I judge so much is because I am controlled by the systems I have created within myself. Take alook from this perspective, I am allowing systems as mind to control a lot of me, therefore I am giving my power away a lot, therefore I am allowing myself to be inferior to my mind, I am not taking my power back, so I am constantly existing in inferiority from myself allowing myself to be controlled by my mind, therefore I am constantly looking for a point in which I can make myself seems superior, and this I tend to look at others for the answer, I judge others to console my own inferiority onto myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be equal to myself as mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist less than my mind, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than anything, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am equal to all life within breathing.

Judging is a useless form of trying to take my power back from myself, within giving it away to my mind. Since I have given my power away currently and I do not know where it went...I look to take power over other people, to make them think that I am more than them, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have power over other people. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to give my power away and thus look to have power over other people, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my own problems onto other people for a type of solace. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and solidify my own doubt of who I am by judging others. This is unacceptable in my life as life. I am equal to all beings.

I no longer accept myself as inferior to my mind, I am not going to allow myself to give up my own power to thoughts, feelings emotions, desires, beliefs, I am equal to it as it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my mind allowing power to remain as it and not as me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a power point within my mind and then separate myself from it. I am placing myself back here as my life, as the power of this body, mind, and I am recreating myself, by changing the system bit by bit, I am changing the pattern that is myself by changing the pattern physically.

Thank you Paul Quessy