Excitement from believing myself to be effective, usually comes after or during writing out a point within me. And posting and sharing and believing myself to be effective within that writing. Believing that I have supported myself thus being happy within believing myself to support thus allowing an energy to exist within me of excitement and I want more of this, I forgive myself for accepting a feeling of excitement for writing myself out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write myself out for myself. I forgive myself that I have not written myself out to write myself out.
This experience comes from writing myself out, not literally as it is internal, but it comes from the fact that I am writing myself out. When writing myself out I write myself out to get out a point…and when I am done writing myself out I become excited that I have written that point out, I become excited by the idea that I have written that point out, and within that I believe that I am effective within that moment. I become excited at the idea that I have just written myself and have found points, within this I do not look at the points I become engulfed by the excitement and start to think more and more and more and more until I `crash`, crash from all of the energy I have created within that. I am writing this out now to get rid of this feeling as it does not support me in the physical, I am going to live these words and not hope that through writing that it is gone. Live them by removing the excitement when writing and then I will write for self, not because of a feeling.
When I become excited all of my movements are rapid and Short, I try and get it done as fast as I can and type or write as fast as I can, I am possessed by energy in this moment. My thoughts are very rapid as well I can barely notice them…They come and go quickly and I allow them to, I only become aware of them when I feel a rush of energy, come over me. And it feels far too much and I say stop…I stop for a bit then the thoughts start right back up again, and I run through it all over again. I become quite exhausted when this happens as I am using up a lot of my energy in a short period of time. My thoughts consist of positivity, believing that I can be helpful in certain situations. What happens is that I do not stop when I write. My thoughts are continuously moving generating energy and if I write a long enough article I generate a lot of energy. When I am done the article I believe myself to have been effective within writing that article, meaning that I believe that I have explained it well, that it was supportive, that the words were right, that I used the right words to describe and define myself properly, and that I took on a lot of points that I did not see before. Within this I become excited in believing that I have done something `good` for myself and all of this energy that built up from those beliefs and thoughts come out after I am done writing…so for instance when I pin-point a thought that is related to something I will think “good, this is what I need, This is good, These words are exactly how I feel…good,good,good,good” So all of that builds up creating this positive excitement towards my life and within that I believe that I am able to conquer anything, believe that I am invincible, and I continuously think in ego with self-righteousness, and rarely place myself here within breath. When I do place myself here within breath I stop and stop that energy…it can quickly build up again though, with only one thought. This comes from the savior syndrome, that I am happy, that I am supporting myself, but I am truly not because I become happy within that…thus not allowing myself to place myself in the physical….lol its happening. Ok so, I enjoy knowing that I can help someone with their process, help them realize something, I enjoy this through ego of wanting to be a savior, but I have covered this before and will again…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only self can help self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boast about being able to help someone….this is a point of power as well. Odd and fascinating. I desire to help people to have power…it is like religion…it is like what a priest must feel like. But again I cannot help anyone, I can only help myself and SHARE! I can only share myself and if someone comes to a realization through my words then THEY REALIZED I did not MAKE them, that is something that I have to learn…that I truly cannot help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take `credit` for someone helping themselves.
So within this writing I have been taking it slow and looking over each thought I am about to write out so that I can explain it properly, and not vomit words as thoughts arise.
Showing posts with label Good. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Good. Show all posts
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Fearing a Post
I am fearful of my post being seen. I was on the forum and afraid to look at my post to see if anyone has commented on it yet. I was afraid because I was judging myself as inFEARior, as I had a lot of fear. I posted a vlog about an idea of how to start to move the world in a direction to our favour, at the time I thought that this was a good idea and that I want people to see me, I did not write this out then so here is stagnant energy coming through as fear. As well there is this whole persona of I have found the way…I know that I am in the direction that I must move in…all ideas and beliefs and thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am on the path to where I need to be, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of where I need to be. I forgivemyself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be somewhere. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold up an idea about myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I really am as deception. What just happened is that I was looking at the equality equation of my actions and noticed that it was completely done in ego. That if I were to continue this then I would not be open and honest in every moment. I am justifying it through beliefs. This is going to stop. I am not a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be an idea of a benevolent being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in the moment and stop.
I see this thought process as a virus. It cannot continue. Within this belief of myself being a benevolent being I allowed myself to judge others harshly, I compared myself in trying to maintain the superiority. Again I did this because I was believing that I was on some path to being in the physical…not directing myself…and if I am on this path that I will continuously be on this path. So what happened when I looked at my post on the forum is that I completely feared being exposed in that moment, I had this idea of trying to climb into the computer to remove it…like no one can see this…but this is the epitome of what I have become. So all must see this and I must expose this. What I have become is trying to find ways to create a perception of myself as benevolent, and this has been coming through as ideas. Now when I posted this I was justifying it with the thought of this is a good idea. I was sitting in this thought and playing it over and over and over thus allowing myself to stimulate my ego.
I have just read the comment left be Adele and was trying to figure out whether “wow…” was meaning wow it was inspirational or wow that was delusional…both parts of a system. Those thoughts are only what I think. Looking at this I could have posted this and not thought a damn thing about it, but thinking about it being good and this idea being `good` only allowed me to exist as a system, thus having to go to the other end of the polarity. The starting point of posting this was of an idea…believing that idea to be `good`, and wanting to share this idea…I have defined myself by/as that idea and thus defining myself as good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as breath as the physical, as life, stopping all polarity of good and bad, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop all ideas of good and bad. It does not matter what this video is perceived as, this video is. It is no idea, it is neither good nor bad it is, It is myself showing myself....as well...now as I am about to post this, the video will have more of a chance to be seen and thus again I was both fearful, as well as hoping that it will be seen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this video is bad...
I see this thought process as a virus. It cannot continue. Within this belief of myself being a benevolent being I allowed myself to judge others harshly, I compared myself in trying to maintain the superiority. Again I did this because I was believing that I was on some path to being in the physical…not directing myself…and if I am on this path that I will continuously be on this path. So what happened when I looked at my post on the forum is that I completely feared being exposed in that moment, I had this idea of trying to climb into the computer to remove it…like no one can see this…but this is the epitome of what I have become. So all must see this and I must expose this. What I have become is trying to find ways to create a perception of myself as benevolent, and this has been coming through as ideas. Now when I posted this I was justifying it with the thought of this is a good idea. I was sitting in this thought and playing it over and over and over thus allowing myself to stimulate my ego.
I have just read the comment left be Adele and was trying to figure out whether “wow…” was meaning wow it was inspirational or wow that was delusional…both parts of a system. Those thoughts are only what I think. Looking at this I could have posted this and not thought a damn thing about it, but thinking about it being good and this idea being `good` only allowed me to exist as a system, thus having to go to the other end of the polarity. The starting point of posting this was of an idea…believing that idea to be `good`, and wanting to share this idea…I have defined myself by/as that idea and thus defining myself as good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as breath as the physical, as life, stopping all polarity of good and bad, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop all ideas of good and bad. It does not matter what this video is perceived as, this video is. It is no idea, it is neither good nor bad it is, It is myself showing myself....as well...now as I am about to post this, the video will have more of a chance to be seen and thus again I was both fearful, as well as hoping that it will be seen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this video is bad...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Devil's Advocate
During a conversation with Patti (my mother) An intersting point came into play and that was `playing devil's advocate`. Looking at the `saying`, why would someone want to advocate for the devil? Isn't the devil supposed to be bad, but everyone seems to enjoy it. So the devil is enjoyment...HA. Anyhow she said that she was playing devil's advocate, combating every point that I brought up, allowing me to combat every point that she combated. It went fucking no where. We ended up in the same position as before. So what I noticed is that playing devil's advocate one does not stand for self, but stand for spiting the other with the words that they spit. And she realized it as well, which is nice. she noticed that she was putting up a boundry so that it can be pushed passed, then she got angry that I was pushing her boundries.
Playing devil's advocate does not work in conversation, because one will always look towards any faults within the words that the other speaks, not allowing one to see the common sense being applied, Or any truths, only looking at the faults. Being the devils advocate goes no where. Listening as oneself is how to actually communicate.
The conversation was revolving around Equal Money and the application of it. She was using the idea of a utopia to create a stand against point.
The conversatan whent nowhere, as I previously stated. The way I see it I was pushing her boundries as she was trying to close mine. I was standing for an Equal money system, supporting it, she was standing for the belief that it cannot happen. The conversation whent back and forth. It lasted maybe a half hour. And playing the devil's advocate, she got upset, upset that her boundries were being pushed. And I was pushing because I wanted to get the point through that an EMS is the best solution for this world, to stop the abuse. So she was standing her gorund, not opening up, and I was standing mine open to her words but not accepting them, because I would have to submit to submission of the system to accept the words that she was speaking. I am having trouble communicating. I do not know what point I am exactly thrying to get across. the point I want to get across the being the devil's advocate in conversatan is not useful. When one uses that tactic you are closed within only being combative and not listening to the words but constantly looking for faults.
So the point of conversation, I was talking to a person today trying to explain how I have been stuck in my mind, and the person got defenseful, because I was pushing. This is definately a point that I need to work on within conversation. I have been pushing information and knowledge onto the other person rather than applying that information and knowledge within sharing. I have been trying to slow myself down to share myself but It is tough as I have programmed myself to "prove that I am right". So within that conversation I noticed that I was pushing once it was done and what was interesting was that I felt rejected after. And I noticed that it was because I was pushing myself to be heard. I was listening to the words that she was typing, and applying ym point of view but pushing not, sharing. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down to the point where I am sharing myself constantly rather than pushing myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to feel rejected when people walk away from a conversation.
Within conversing I am not usually here participating and living each word Even now I am not here I am projecting a point and using words to get to that point...not directing myself here in each and every word that I am typing. Conversing is a point that I need to slow myself down within and be here in each moment directing myself and not reacting.
So playing the devil's advocate is a useful too to test ones understanding but to use that to communicate is useless.
Playing devil's advocate does not work in conversation, because one will always look towards any faults within the words that the other speaks, not allowing one to see the common sense being applied, Or any truths, only looking at the faults. Being the devils advocate goes no where. Listening as oneself is how to actually communicate.
The conversation was revolving around Equal Money and the application of it. She was using the idea of a utopia to create a stand against point.
The conversatan whent nowhere, as I previously stated. The way I see it I was pushing her boundries as she was trying to close mine. I was standing for an Equal money system, supporting it, she was standing for the belief that it cannot happen. The conversation whent back and forth. It lasted maybe a half hour. And playing the devil's advocate, she got upset, upset that her boundries were being pushed. And I was pushing because I wanted to get the point through that an EMS is the best solution for this world, to stop the abuse. So she was standing her gorund, not opening up, and I was standing mine open to her words but not accepting them, because I would have to submit to submission of the system to accept the words that she was speaking. I am having trouble communicating. I do not know what point I am exactly thrying to get across. the point I want to get across the being the devil's advocate in conversatan is not useful. When one uses that tactic you are closed within only being combative and not listening to the words but constantly looking for faults.
So the point of conversation, I was talking to a person today trying to explain how I have been stuck in my mind, and the person got defenseful, because I was pushing. This is definately a point that I need to work on within conversation. I have been pushing information and knowledge onto the other person rather than applying that information and knowledge within sharing. I have been trying to slow myself down to share myself but It is tough as I have programmed myself to "prove that I am right". So within that conversation I noticed that I was pushing once it was done and what was interesting was that I felt rejected after. And I noticed that it was because I was pushing myself to be heard. I was listening to the words that she was typing, and applying ym point of view but pushing not, sharing. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down to the point where I am sharing myself constantly rather than pushing myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to feel rejected when people walk away from a conversation.
Within conversing I am not usually here participating and living each word Even now I am not here I am projecting a point and using words to get to that point...not directing myself here in each and every word that I am typing. Conversing is a point that I need to slow myself down within and be here in each moment directing myself and not reacting.
So playing the devil's advocate is a useful too to test ones understanding but to use that to communicate is useless.
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