What is Stopping?

Within self-gratification we accept the opposite. Today was 2 days without a cigarette and I was feeling gratified at myself for not smoking. To end the point here I decided to smoke…anyways within the gratification I thus accept myself smoking. Through the acceptance of feeling gratified for not smoking, I must accept myself as smoking to feel the gratification. Thus within that point self-gratification became a point of abuse within/as/towards myself, and thus why I fell on the point. When I felt gratified about stopping smoking, I had to accept myself first as a smoker, and then accept myself as stopping and then accept the self-gratification of `stopping` smoking, thus I have to accept myself as smoking to get to that point. Thus it is not a point that I am able to stand within infinitely/eternally as self-gratification of stopping smoking because then within that I must always stop smoking which is not in essence stopping! To stop something means to remove all points within it and to not participate in anything within the point itself. For example for me to stop greed first greed must exist within me. To stop all participation in points that revolve or connect to greed is to stop it. Meaning that through stopping all points related to greed one does not again exist in greed thus greed stops. Greed may still be here but it is our choice of whether or not to participate in it or anything related to it that in fact stops greed. Or lets take the discrimination of/towards women in this world. To stop this completely we must stop all thoughts about females as separate from ourselves meaning that we do not think of them as less than or different from ourselves. It is to stop all participation in conversations that revolve around females being discriminated and within the stopping of that conversation is to stand up in that moment and redirect it to a point that is not discriminatory towards females. It is to stand up in that moment and speak against the discrimination of/to/towards females and place a stop and an end to the conversation in that point. Stopping all and everything related around one point is effective stopping, through a decision to not participate in it or to allow it in ones reality.

Self-Interest and Smoking

Mar 17th 2011 3:33pm


I am sitting now after skateboarding, I am focusing again on self-interests which is skateboarding. I decided to type because I did not want to continue this ignorance of myself. I noticed that I abuse myself extensively with emotions and feelings. I went through another depression faze and started smoking again, well I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking them since. I notie thtat I abuse myself within smoking where I will smoke even though I do not want a cigarette, I do this with food, and physical activity andor work. I push myself too far and do not let up on myself. This cannot continue and I will no let it continue,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through pushin myself too far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to use my physical as a reference of what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical

There is going to need to be a big change in me and I am ready to take that step where I step where I stop allowing myself to continue abusing myself and focus on breath and what is best for me as life and just stop all of this shit that I am allowing to exist within myself. I enjoy writing because it is self-intimacy. It allows me to stop for a second and focus on myself instead of what is going on around me. I can breathe when I write, I enjoy this much more than the hell that I put myself through when thinking. I am not allowing myself to move on this shit further.

The question I ask myself is weeding that part out of myl life what is best for me…I say yes, so that I can participate here more, and thus stand alone here as myself facing myself in every moment because I will ignore myself when I skateboard I will allow myself to participate in the antics, and the best way to weed that out is to move past that point. Bernard has said that if one still has friends then you are leading a double life and that is true so the solution for this is to not wait for myself to stand around my friends but stand here now removing myself from participating in more MCS as I am allowing myself to fall further into my mind instead of standing up. So I stand up here and remove my friends from my life so that I can participate here and focus on myself here.

This is a self-honest point because I know that I will continue to participate in the antics with friends, and so I will remove myself from friends not remove friends from me. Meaning I am stopping participating with the friends I had and focusing on myself. So yes a lot of point came up and that is giving into the antics so keep supporting my ego and personality.

So looking at my writing there is much judgment of myself. Negative judgment which is most likely the polarity play out of the positivity I have been accepting within myself.

Yeah so I started smoking again because there was much backchat about being superior and more than when I moved myself through a point of a desire to smoke. I gave my pack away out of stopping it again. I said fuck it and gave it to a friend…that was an immediate action…I thought about throwing it out and hesitated and then kept it.

As well I smoked again from a large depression point and was holding onto those feelings not moving through them. I did not write myself out and held onto that point of smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a belief of me stopping smoking as being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking is bad for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be good for not smoking

Ok so that was the point right there. I have been resisting posting this/sharing this because I was/saw believing myself to be completely bad for smoking and I must be good for participating in desteni. So I have lost the point here of self-realization in which I went to smoking for a better feeling. I existed within that moment self-interest. And I have fucked with myself by not letting go of this self-interest when forgiving it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing ymself to live my forgiveness, to actually forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in dis-honesties.
I am not good
I am not bad
I do not smoke
I do not not smoke
I breath, here, stop myself, and stabalize myself

So I am taking this slowly right now making sure I move myself in a way that is best for me right now.

Socializing and `Falling`

Feb 16th 2011 10:03pm


I am here right now finishing the last of the `The girl who` movies, If you are not familiar it doesn’t matter lol. I have started to write and watch movies at the same time. The distraction of this is quite interesting. I have done this before and I get distracted quite easily by the video and forget and stop caring about writing. I start to become much more interested in the movie than in writing. Right now I see a difference. I am not as distracted. I am able to type effectively and watch the movie together. I notice that I am much more distracted with facebook than anything else. I plan to write or to do something and I become entanced by facebook and start to look at everything and purposely distract myself with socialization.

Socialization is a large distraction and falling point for me. When smoking cigarettes socializing was my biggest point to move through. To stand alone was my biggest point within that. When I was falling on that point I desired to be included within the socialization so I would give into smoking so that I could socialize. One large point was that within work where a co-worker who I did not know too well smoked and at a point where I was working with him, he asked me to go out for a cigarette. That morning I stood with confidence in stopping smoking and that point took me over. I socialized and went for a smoke, debating with myself to not do that yet I gave in to socializing within smoking. Within that moment I did not stand under my own principles but gave myself up to a want to socialize. As well this happened many times, as I have placed others as more than me. When I think about it now and place myself within that situation there is a fear of falling again within that point where I see someone as much more than me who smokes and asks me to smoke and within that I give in to socializing with them as I want to be like them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my own actions outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself in the situation of being in an environemtn where I believe someone is `more than me` in which I become the idea of myself that I should follow the superior being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must follow a superior being.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am one and equal with all beings, all life, all of existence as myself.

So I am sure that I am not the only one who falls within socializing, becoming an idea of who they should be within the context of the situation. For which I say stand as yourself, Breathe and bring yourself back into your body instead of comparing yourself with the other. Breathe and make sure that you stand absolutely as yourself with no doubt of who you are within that moment, not being an idea of yourself, but standing as yourself as your principles. Remove the want to be like the `superior being` and place yourself equal to the other, Know that you are equal to the other, and allow yourself to stand as yourself. Breathe, make sure you stick to breath…this could be for drinking, smoking, doing something criminal, or simply laughing along when you know that you think it is not funny, just to fit in and socialize.

Socializing has become a large enslavement point for many beings. It is the experience of placing yourself less than another for some stupid fucking reason, and wanting to be like the superior being, thus mimicking them standing as an idea of yourself being less than and as well an idea of who you want to be within comparison to the other. Stand as yourself and this is done within breath. Can only be done within breath. Stop giving yourself up humanity to some bullshit ideals of yourself…trying to be the ideal person of yourself through following the `superior being` constantly within an infinite loop.

To start to research breath and what humanity as yourself have really become Join Desteni visit http:/desteni.co.za Humanity needs to change and the tools and the support provided within the site/group is phenomenal, it is unfathomable, as one will never see support like this outside of the site, as all others are systems all following their ideals of themselves, become the ideal of yourself through creating yourself within breath of each moment. Stand as yourself, Stand as Life! Join Desteni, Support an Equal Money system http://equalmoney.org

Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.


Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.

The Day of Shit

I do not really want to post my day because I have yet to write it out and I am doing that for the course = limitation. I don't see why I can't write it out here. I just made the excuse of the fact that I do not have enough time to look at my entire day and write it out.... it is like I do not want to spoil it...I have made the plans to write it our when I get home and if I write it out here I spoil it? nonsense.

Again today I was wanting to escape to a certain degree. I slept in when I wanted to get up and move myself wthin the world. I wanted to get my rent from the bank when it opened up (8) and go to the library when it opened(10) to utilize the most of my time. I ended up sleeping in past these times. Who am I within that? I did not care about what I wanted to do to support me. I only wanted to further my experience with sleep. I was enjoying not being here. I was enjoying not having to face the cold or the winter or having to move myself around in the winter time. I bike around everywhere in the winter and dislike the cold to an Nth degree. I did not care about whether I was effective in the day or not I just really enjoyed the sleep I had. As well it was the motivation to get up. I had no motivation. I used to use cigarettes - a want or desire - to get up and start the day. I would normally think ( !!! I get to smoke if I get up) then I would get up to have a cigarette. Today I did not have any in the morning so there was no motivation to move. I did not care about myself in applying myself in doing what I needed to do in the day, I was too involved in my mind and its desires which was sleep and escape lol. I didn't have a desire to get me up but I had one to keep me asleep. I eventually got up with the thought of "Fuck this is enough of this" and started to move myself in my day.

Money was the start of my day. I started off with calling about getting internet at my house and to find out the prices and what were the options of getting it. Money is a large factor in this and it would be too expensive right now for me to pay for it - that was my excuse ...I have the money. I do not want to spend that amount of money on the internet at the house for something that I can currently get for free and faster elsewhere. It is frugality. Lol excuse. I do not want to put the money towards it, and that is it. I went to the bank to find out that it was closed and was happy that it was closed so that I could hold onto money for a bit longer and not have to pay my rent right now...I hold onto money until I MUST spend it. Anyhting that is not a must I will not allocate it towards it...that is something that I will work on and apply myself within.

My dad (Stephen) ended up calling me to go out for lunch and we decided to go to his place for lunch...again I was glad that I did not have to spend money on food and would be fed by anothers monetary means. I am working on this point and stopping myself from going to my mothers for food and internet. the reason I went with my father is because I thought that since I missed boxing day I would have some shit that I would have allocated to me. I had a gift card to the licqour store that I was initally upset about then stopped because participating in that was bullshit and ended up giving it to my sister. What would have been best is to completely throw it out... holy shit I am fearing greatly my participation in life as I am now looking at all the bullshit that I participate within the day. I used the fact that I gave her that giftcard to get her to buy me cigarettes. I smoked one and stood up within myself creating the decision for and as myself separate from beliefs to stop. I left the pack in her car(e) <-- typo and gave them to her.

At Stephens house me my sister and him got into an argument about my participation in desteni. I was very angry in this because the phrase it has been and will always be came up and I reacted to this in anger...Intense anger. I was not sharing myself in the conversation only yelling....only shouting AT them. So that went nowhere really and their main point was that of fear for me for losing my number within society. They reacted to the fact that I give them money and that they asked for my passport...believing that People will steal my identity Now that I am looking at myself within my day I can see the shit that I participate in and would normally become very judgemental at myself but am grateful right now for ITD.

Enjoy Paul.