Not being Here within Work

This morning I found it incredibly hard to get up. I pushed the snooze button and was grateful for its existence. I was at the point of sleeping in more and then sleeping too much and then being late for work, so the snooze button was an excellent use in that moment. I got up after the alarm went off again and got up slowly. I made breakfast and knew that this day was going to be a difficult day for me because I was allowing myself to feel tired because of the physical movements that I had to do when I did not want to do them. I walked to work and within that I escaped the majority of the walk. I took myself out of the physical moment reality, and placed myself in a desired situation which was thinking about sleep and food when I were to get home. I got to work and was not wanting to be there in that moment, I was placing an idea of myself of wanting to sleep and to not want to be wherever I was within and as me. At work I was working incredibly slowly, very sluggish. Not try to do my work at all, simply accessing the system and program I was running within me and allowed it to run me, as I placed myself in a place that was not real within ideas and beliefs and ideal situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to run a system and a program within me to not face myself in the moment here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself of the current moment.


I was allowing myself to participate in this feeling through the anticipation of the physical movements that I had to do within the day. I was placing myself within walking back to my house, and placing myself within walking to the library, and placing the idea of myself as being weak within and as that, so I became very depressed and unhappy to have to do all of that. I was not placing myself within the moment. I was very sluggish and not caring about my work, not giving myself the energy to move through work. I ended up sleeping for a short while when working, so that I could lol not be here. The lol is because when I opened my eyes I thought…”right I am still here”. I was dreaming and placing myself in a different reality, and when I awoke I was not thrilled in realizing reality. I realized that I was still at work and that I had to do work. So I got up and started to do my work. A bit more energized yet still not happy with the fact of being where I was and not being in a place of comfort and one where I can relax myself physically.

I noticed that I was doing this and texted my mom to see if she could pick me up…As well I have been desiring for the spring to arrive so that I can either bike or skateboard to work…biking is a lot quicker, and I would simply enjoy skateboarding to work as I get to do tricks along the way. She said that she could and within that one moment of knowing that I went out of my slump. I realized that I knew that I would be `supported` within not having to walk. I was happy that I was helped out so I did not have to walk home. And in that moment everything changed which is interesting. I did not have to rely on myself any longer…literally rely on myself to move myself. I could rely on another being. I simply wanted to lay back and allow the world to move around me when I was not being here. Unfortunately I was allowing myself to not be here and willingly accepting that fact, instead of questioning it and looking at it in common sense. This is a point of not wanting to support myself again. I could have taken the bus but I do not enjoy the money factor of taking the bus, it would cost be either $60 or $100 a month for bus fare…60 for a pass and 100 if I were to not have a pass and free if I walk. This greed has to go and I justify it with I can have an extra 60 to spend on food or save. Pubic transportation needs to be free! I can either complain or take responsibility for this point…somedays I am fine with walking and feel up to it other days I simply to not. So the common sense point would to be to take the bus on days that I do not feel up for walking.

Anyways the whole point within this is the fact that I did not place myself here and I allowed myself to fantasize about being elsewhere, and that there are options that are available yet I allow the Mind Consciousness System to influence me and my decision instead of looking at the fact within common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here thorugh thinking about somewhere I would `rather` be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here through placing myself as an idea of myself within a moment or situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of how I need/should be within a specific situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as that idea of needing to be/should be a certain specific expression within a specific situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within a system and/or program and run it within me so that I do not have to face this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse this world, this life, this existence through purposely not facing t.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself here.

Within the Moment

Feb 12th 2011 5:54am


Time is how one can be within the moment. Each second be here each moment be here. Talking/typing here. When I write this I write from 5:54am. I am now at least. When I wrote before as these words are an example of how I write from memory, not from 5:55am. That is a cool perspective that I have not looked at before. In each moment of breath one equalized themselves with time. I write from now from here from/as breath. I do not look at the past and write I look at what is here within me and write. I see me. I cannot see myself entirely..but I am going on from knowledge and information of myself being sound, being a darkness. That is how I have extensively fucked with myself. Through knowledge and information. I think about my past knowledge and information, I place that knowledge and information into the current moment and live through/as the knowledge and information I have accessed. Sound is how I can tell whether or not I am here. If I can hear then I am here. If I cannot here then some corrections must be made…knowledge and information of being here = good. Simply, if I can’t hear then I am not here. I am somewhere else – thinking within my mind of something irrelevant because it is not here, I then become irrelevant, as I am not hear. I am not writing specifically from here, only within breath can I actually be here. The sound is key, when I hear sound I know I am not thinking. When I can hear all sound I can see in myself. I was hearing as I was looking within a want for a relationship, and it is only for sex, it is not a company thing nor a partnership thing only for sex. To be honest with myself in a relationship knowing and standing only for sex I am able to let all connections go. Because I am honest with myself. That is a positive Idea. So it is irrelevant. I am here typing with coffee, porridge, and toast to my left, These are the foods I and in the process of consuming. I was happy with myself for creating the porridge, a form of pride. I made porridge that has strawberries, blueberries, grapes, and a banana in it. I thought that this is a `good` meal so I created pride and happiness with myself for `creating` this meal. I read this over. It seems relevant, the idea of it is jibberish – meaning bullshit talk. I do not explain myself. I understand myself. That is all. I do not need to explain, should I explain myself. If I want to be understood possibly. But others understanding of me is irrelevant to who I am within the moment. I do not need to explain, if an explanation is wanted then I can give, but it is never a need. So for now this is only for me. I understand me as I write me. I am thinking of something to write. I am allowing ideas to pop up into my head through memory. I did not know what to write. I thought of something to write and second guessed myself. I thought it and did not immediately type it. I hesitated within thinking is this `good enough` towrite? Is it worth while to write that out. Will I bee seen as positivity if I write this? The whole Idea of positivity and wanting to be positive is something that I allow myself to fuck myself with. I think that positivity is wanted in any and every moment, and to `achieve` that is godlike. Trying to be godlike. I strive then for to be positive or seen as positive in every moment. As I have done this I have created the opposite side of this within my secret mind. Which I see and is completely disgusting. That which I think is completely ugly. I have tried to avoid it and place all the happiness up front so that I can be conscious of it, and then I suppress all of the ugliness within me. So writing and bringing that up is the best thing for one to do.