Desiring Cigarettes

As in all desires I desire cigarettes for the feeling/experience I have attached to it. I have attached comfort, escape, excitement/indulgence, stress/relief, depression, and physical feelings as well within/as my throat.


Cigarettes for me has been a very tough point to move on, each time I decide to stop I fall somewhere within one of the points that I smoke for. I smoke for the experience and desire that experience in many moments.

So to start I started smoking cigarettes to stop weed, or well that is how it worked out, I just stopped smoking weed and used cigarettes as an alternative. So everything that I used weed for cigarettes then became the same substance that I would believe created the experience of me instead of knowing that only I create the experience of me. The starting point within smoking was escape and a relief at first. When desiring to smoke I am stressed, happy, excited, feeling inferior….ok the main points is escape from emotions and feeling and indulging in more feelings.

I used weed as a form of escape, I was smoking a lot of weed when I lived at my dads, I was because it was in the country and far away from the city and I was disconnected from people and being able to talk and communicate and socialize, so I smoked weed to escape being alone. I smoked weed to not face what was here, I smoke weed so that I did not have to face myself, and so now that is what smoking cigarettes is for me, an escape from facing myself…for example I slept today before work and only wanted to sleep 30 min so that I could finish writing this and not have to after work, and as I woke up I did not care about time I wanted to sleep more, I wanted to stay unconscious, I wanted to stay unaware, and I did not care about the consequences of me sleeping more. So when I actually got up I wanted a cigarette because I didn’t want to face the fact that I allowed myself to sleep in and not get up and do something productive and needed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke to escape facing myself. Desiring a cigarette is a form of escape for me/ smoking is a form of escape for me because when smoking I will start to think and not place myself here in the physical, just keep myself occupied in my mind as I used to do as well when I smoked weed.

As well smoking comes from a thought of wanting to indulge and make the experience more than. So the first time that I was able to stop smoking I stopped for 2 weeks then gave in because I wanted to over indulge, what happened was that I was skateboarding with most of my friends who skate as well, so the friend and energy construct was there, I was landing a lot of the tricks that I was trying, therefore an accomplishment feeling was there, and I was enjoying myself through energetics and wanted to make the experience more and I wanted to indulge in something, everyone was smoking so I decided to give into buying a pack so that I could fit in more and indulge more in the situation. This happened today as well, when I went out for dinner with my dad. I saw this as a free meal and was feeling an energetic experience of happiness within this, and wanted to make more of it, so I thought about smoking, I did not allow this to continue as saw exactly what was happening in that moment, I stopped connecting myself energetically in that moment to the situation and him, and stopped and breathed and it all went away…the energy faded immediately. As well this point was a point of comfort to that I felt comfortable in the experience of being supported financially by someone else and wanted to further this comfortable feeling by smoking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing other people to support me financially, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with other people supporting me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself financially.

Escape again – When I feel depressed and alone, and I do not want to feel that anymore I turn to cigarettes again to take my mind off of that situation or feeling/experience of myself. When smoking weed I would end up not feeling anything when I was high, I did not feel boredom, I did not feel alone, I did not feel depressed, and I substituted cigarettes for the same experience. So when I would feeling depressed or stressed I would turn and believe that a cigarette would relieve that experience, within desires I give up my entire self-control to these thoughts and experiences. I am the creator of the experiences equal and one, I have been believing that I am less than these experiences and thus allowing them to guide me allowing a system of feelings and emotions and wants to guide me, wants within the sense that I wanted more or less of the feeling.

So I would obviously smoke for mental reasons for the most part, the physical reasons were for physical feelings, like when I would drink a hot beverage a cigarette would feel good after that, it would feel like it would sooth the feeling of a scalding throat and mouth. I looked into this and I am the creator of this as well as the physical equal and one within this feeling, and that I cannot substitute anything for this feeling…meaning that I can obviously stop and give myself the comfort that I want through as myself, as well as the relief of stress by stopping and placing myself here and touching the physical, but I cannot manifest and make that feeling of a cigarette exist within me, because it comes from the physical and I must physically smoke to have that feeling. I have to let that want go entirely, I have to let that feeling go entirely and allow myself to be here without wants of a different physical feeling that I have had in the past. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire past feelings/emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past feelings and emotions.

Smoking as well is something to do to pass the time….I used weed for this as well. I would smoke weed in order to get high and not be aware of the time that I had to “wait” through to do something else, which was the start of another day. I would get home and get high, and stay high until the end of the night so I did not have to face the time/space construct and move myself through it. The same thing has occurred with cigarettes, whenever I wait I would smoke usually, anytime that I had in between things I would have a cigarette because again when having a cigarette I place myself in my mind and occupy myself within it, thus not having to face the physical time/space construct of `waiting`. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the time/space construct by thinking. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within moving through time/space. I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to jump through time/space by becoming unaware of where I am here by thinking.

Sharing my Days

I have not been sharing my days and my experinences within my days...it is useful to do so. Speaking about a day will show me where I am within my reality and process.

Yesterday.
I woke up after sleeping six hours and felt fine. I have been sleeping six or under for an effective 4 days. I have been moving myself within sleeping for six or less  hours a night for probably around 1month right now. I want to right about feelings and how I felt, and I felt `good` that I have been sleeping more effectively. This is a energetic movement inside of me, believing that I am doing something good for myself within sleeping less. And I am currenty juding myself for participating in good and bad, believing polarity to be bad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that participating in polarity is bad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inferior to polarity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to beliefs of morality and polarity. Yesterday, I did not have my laptop, and was wondering how I would move without it. I went to the library to use their computer. On my bike over there I noticed that I was rushing myself, trying to get there as fast as possible to utilize as much time as possible. I noticed myself in the movements of the pedals and how I was pushingmyself hard and not coasting when I could, continually pedalling as fast as I could. I got to the library, and went on the computers that were available. There was a 2 hour time limit, so again the point of believing to have to use as much of the time effectively revolving around speed was relevant. I checked my email, and watched a few videos and read some posts on the forum and facebook. I wsa trying to do as much as possible within each moment so I was not really takng in all the information provided only skimming through it picking out pieces. I picked up 2 cds a book by Lao Tsu on Tao Te Ching, and a movie called Savages. I was debating on what I should do first when I went home to utilize the amount of time that I had before work. I decided to watch the movie as it is loaned for 2 days. I went home sat down watched the movie and ate. After about an hour in the movie I realized that I needed to buy insulin. I was debating on whether or not to do that now or later, if I did it later it would make it much harder on me. The fucked up point is that I still wanted to sit and watch the movie and I would have if I did not intervene. What happened was the my psychosis moved and as the thought of I want to sit here and finish the movie, the movie said a phrase consisting of "well that's a hard choice". This meaning to me that its fucking OBVIOUS on what I should do. Participating in my wants was more of a `priority` to me. But again the psychosis helped because (I)t allowed me to see what I was participating in and I moved myself to buy insulin because I needed it for the next day.

I got the insulin and went back to my house did dishes and finished that movie lol. I allocated time to pick up my laptop that day and glad I did as it is useful now. I have a virus that I received in an email and had to get it wiped and reloaded. I went to work, and found out that I was supposed to work 2 hours more then what I was expecting and already created a point for my mother to pick me up after work. So I had to find a way around this and as I worked I knew that I had to direct this point effectively. Usually they would not let me off 2 hours earlier, but they were 77 hours underbooked meaning the needed to get people to work those 77 hours so I made a deal with my manager, with me working 9 hours today to get off the 2 hours earlier. Before this happened and before work I was in the break room reading Tao Te Ching and it was calming me down, giving me `peace of mind` = a mind state. As I walked onto the floor to start work I knew again that I had to direct the point and believed that I could now that I had that state of mind. I worked and went to my moms house for food and interenet - a point that I must deal with. And I came here and reloaded my laptop with the software that I was using and created it back to what it was without the virus. Slept 4 hours and now I am here typing this

:) Enjoy