Emotional Turmoil

Ha, first thing felt was utter lonesomeness. So I was reading Lindsays blog post about why her and Joe broke up, and I was placing myself in a broken up position while reading that, the position of when My ex(Sarah) broke up with me. Absolutely, there was definitely Turmoil there and understand the affects of it after watching the Emotion Turmoil video. I was dependant on her to live for me. I was living vicariously through her. I gave no opinion in anything, It never `mattered` to me. Meaning I always followed. Through-out the relationship I see myself as a `cling=on` I would not let go. I believed that I needed her there to have some type of value in my life, and as I have written before I valued having a girlfriend. So holding onto her was a priority of mine…it is hard to find a starting point and move from there so this is going to be jumpy. I introduced her to desteni, and felt within myself judgement and embarrassment for the belief of it being `esoteric` and `odd` that was a belief I had then, and do not care what people think about it, I do not have thoughts about it, it is. So I was very uncomfortable sharing that with her, I was again dependant on her and she obviously held shit back about her thoughts on desteni, so when I brought it up the first few times I was attacked, and like in many other instances I set life aside for bullshit. I stopped talking about desteni for quite some time, My priority was keeping her around. I valued her life over mine. But not really, I valued her personality over mine, and was relying on her to support me as a personality through making decisions, and me following thus becoming her in a way. I gave up desteni for sometime, not entirely gave up, but really slowed down my participation and heavily involved myself in this relationship. Everytime I needed a refresher I would look up what was new for the material, although my participation could have been MUCH more. My writing started to become a point of blame and judgment, and not self-reflection, my writings were consisting of her that and her this. Looking at the Backchatting I was constantly thinking about breaking up with her, and moved on that point a few times, but I never followed through, this was a point of manipulation of me a form of scare tactics, to keep her around. The first time this happened I was feeling inferior and depressed and said that this was not going to work out, she broke into tears and within this saw how much I was wanted, and saw that through this I could keep her around, and that is what it somewhat became….a game of breaking up, as we `broke` up a few times. And truly I did want to break up, that was who I was in Honesty, I did not want to keep her around, I would have liked to move independent from her and focus on what I wanted to do, as I knew that I was giving up desteni for her and was giving up a lot of my `free` time to be with her. But I created that dependency, Value, and Reliance on that relationship, so I could not let it go. It felt liberating when I let it go the few times that I did, I `no longer` needed to worry about what she was feeling, I no longer cared about her thoughts/opinions on things. I am getting off of track here. So within backchatting I had hidden all of these thoughts, and within writing as well, I never allowed her to see my writings as they were full of blame. So I was constantly hiding myself and trying to deceive her to see a different person….that is why She broke up with me…I was not willing to let go, and she saw the truth. When breaking up I felt the energy absolutely dissipate, noticed this and said is there anything your holding back, she said no, and I said  when she is ready to tell me. So after an hour or so, she said that she wanted to break up that she no longer saw anything in me. Within this I was paralyzed, completely immovable, not out of fear, but realizing what is going on…ok yes out of fear, of realizing that I am now going to be alone and have no one to guide my within life. What is interesting is that I am sure this revolved around money. So I was not sure what to do…I was trying to stand on my own two feet again…this was a great lesson for me in who I have become. I had to go through this point to learn. So in the video Emotional Turmoil and Radical Relationships, Bernard explains that one will rush heavily into religion and/or spirituality, and at that point it was desteni for me, it was still something that it really isn’t for me. I felt lost and was trying to find out myself again, trying to restart everything…I was restarting everything as In that moment I was completely dependant and reliant on Sarah to live for me, to get me to live, she was my motivation to get up, although within using the word love I was deceiving her as within backchatting I was disgusted with her because I was disgusted with myself for giving up on myself and valuing her more. So she became my value to stay alive, to get up and to exist, so when we broke up I did not know where to go or what to do. I rushed back to desteni and participated fully, when I look at this now as I did when watching the video (Emotion Turmoil) there definitely is a point that I must physically move through and that would be a relationship that again I must remove because it is unsupportive within the terms of LIFE. I see that I must stand for myself when another point like that exposes itself within me, where I start to give myself up because of ideas and beliefs surrounding myself….I have started this process by removing ideas that I have of myself and bringing myself back to the physical living as my life, I still hold onto ideas around certain people that I have become comfortable being `this` around them, and have recently been removing that as past desires and inhibitions were flag points that I noticed…that around thepeople I felt comfortable with I wanted to smoke, and alone I noticed that I have stopped.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reliant and dependant on others. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to depend and rely on myself, trusting myself to hold myself up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female expression to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value others personalities over my own life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value personality over life.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. Again a bit off track, So I heavily invested myself into desteni again, knowing that there is where I needed to be to get back to life andplace myself in the `right` direction. I started writing on the forum and watching videos everyday again, There is regret towards giving myself up for a relationship, giving myself up meaning stopping participating in what I wanted to do for another, because I see that if I were to continue the way that I was when I first found desteni then I could have understood a lot more much quicker….so that is a desire to not have my history existent, to change my history…I have looked at this point yesterday and it is what it is, there Is no changing it, I am here and on the path, and being `farther ahead` in process is a lie and a deceit , I have to live with what is here and move myself with what is here and if it is unsuitable for the conditions of life then I take the time to remove it.

Work and an EX

I am experiencing extreme frustration right now, or well it has subsided a bit now that I have sat down and started to write. During work I was lost in my mind, To a total extent, I mean really fucking lost, I experienced the same stress as before but was now aware of how lost I am within my mind while working…this only exists while I work. What happened was that I was smiling and not minding work as I had to expectations of what work will be like, I knew what it would be LIKE but not specifically. So I was prepared for what I knew….So everything was going smoothly, I was prepared and not stressed out about having to do this or that…I then talked to one of my former teachers, and told him I liked his class and that he was a fearless man, as he `geeked` out most of the time and it takes guts to do that. I was planning to do that for a while as I kept on seeing him at both of my jobs and wanted to share that with him because I was an ass in his class, I was a disturbance and ego within that class, so I wanted to share that with him because I was a fool within his class like it was my repentance, so even the act of sharing that with him was for ego, as it was planned out. So after I said that I went back to work, and I kept on replaying it over and over and was trying to stop, but I couldn’t…I was feeding my ego within that moment, and analyzing my actions so that I would be able to define myself. This wasn’t too bad I was able to stop it periodically and just needed to focus, after this my ex-girlfriend came by with her boyfriend, and I have been blocked and removed from her life and completely ignored as I have walked past her before and seen her at work before, so I know that she ignores me, as well as her boyfriend as I knew him too. This is what got to me…them ignoring me entirely, and snickering as well…my left scapula s twitching as I am writing this out. I then allowed myself to go into defence of my EGO! Ok in believing that I need repect and attention, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require attention. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend my ego. Defending my ego in that I feel inferior to her, and that I believe that I should not be ignored as life, and that I would like to be recognized by her, and say hello to humane. But that is not the way it is…I defended myself with looking at my life and believing myselfto be better than her…trying to make myself believe that Iam better than her by doing process and involving myself within desteni…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fact that I participate in desteni as a superior point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior than others who do not participate in desteni. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see equality in life…The fact is is that I was giving her special attention…as her being my EX and not seeing her as another piece of life. I saw her as being significant as I am sure that many people who walk by me daily will laugh and judge me yet I do not care, it is only because of the fact that I dated her, felt emotions with her that I obviously have not dealt with yet. The emotions are being `in love` with her, I felt love for her..I thought that was love and I am still holding on the that desire for love, and I `had` it with her, although I disliked most of the time we spent together, It must be because I had someone to be there by my side and I was open with, and now I am being ignored like I do not exist and that openness is gone now…again it is because I was open with HER and not everyone…not open with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to believe that my ex-girlfriend has a significance in mylife. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a significance of my Ex-girlfriend. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the idea of love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love brings me happiness. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of my ex-girlfriend. I am equal to her…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inferior to her. I let go of this now, it is irrelevant to myself as life, it still infects my life, but the dis-ease will disappear, as I start to not care what she thinks of me or care about the relationship we have now. I went through a lot of hate and anger during work over holding onto that, and letting it fester within me. I was thinking about smoking to get out of my mind as I was completely stuck in it until Icould write, so that is just another point that I had to move through, I am sure that it will come up again, as a test and kep testing me until I stop the anger stress and beliefs that a cigarette will cure that and until I can get myself out of my mind. Anyways that shit doesn’t matter and I do not know it it is just ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what my ex-grlfriend thinks of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value what other people think about me. This is going to go, I am not going to allow a belief, idea of her to control me, I am not going to allow that idea to exist within/as me. I am not going to allow this inferior bullshit to run me scared.

I have am writing more about me and work, and will post it soon.