Fearing a Post

I am fearful of my post being seen. I was on the forum and afraid to look at my post to see if anyone has commented on it yet. I was afraid because I was judging myself as inFEARior, as I had a lot of fear. I posted a vlog about an idea of how to start to move the world in a direction to our favour, at the time I thought that this was a good idea and that I want people to see me, I did not write this out then so here is stagnant energy coming through as fear. As well there is this whole persona of I have found the way…I know that I am in the direction that I must move in…all ideas and beliefs and thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am on the path to where I need to be, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of where I need to be. I forgivemyself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be somewhere. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold up an idea about myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I really am as deception. What just happened is that I was looking at the equality equation of my actions and noticed that it was completely done in ego. That if I were to continue this then I would not be open and honest in every moment. I am justifying it through beliefs. This is going to stop. I am not a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be a benevolent being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be an idea of a benevolent being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in the moment and stop.

I see this thought process as a virus. It cannot continue. Within this belief of myself being a benevolent being I allowed myself to judge others harshly, I compared myself in trying to maintain the superiority. Again I did this because I was believing that I was on some path to being in the physical…not directing myself…and if I am on this path that I will continuously be on this path. So what happened when I looked at my post on the forum is that I completely feared being exposed in that moment, I had this idea of trying to climb into the computer to remove it…like no one can see this…but this is the epitome of what I have become. So all must see this and I must expose this. What I have become is trying to find ways to create a perception of myself as benevolent, and this has been coming through as ideas. Now when I posted this I was justifying it with the thought of this is a good idea. I was sitting in this thought and playing it over and over and over thus allowing myself to stimulate my ego.

I have just read the comment left be Adele and was trying to figure out whether “wow…” was meaning wow it was inspirational or wow that was delusional…both parts of a system. Those thoughts are only what I think. Looking at this I could have posted this and not thought a damn thing about it, but thinking about it being good and this idea being `good` only allowed me to exist as a system, thus having to go to the other end of the polarity. The starting point of posting this was of an idea…believing that idea to be `good`, and wanting to share this idea…I have defined myself by/as that idea and thus defining myself as good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am good. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live as breath as the physical, as life, stopping all polarity of good and bad, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop all ideas of good and bad. It does not matter what this video is perceived as, this video is. It is no idea, it is neither good nor bad it is, It is myself showing myself....as well...now as I am about to post this, the video will have more of a chance to be seen and thus again I was both fearful, as well as hoping that it will be seen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this video is bad...

Devil's Advocate

During a conversation with Patti (my mother) An intersting point came into play and that was `playing devil's advocate`. Looking at the `saying`, why would someone want to advocate for the devil? Isn't the devil supposed to be bad, but everyone seems to enjoy it. So the devil is enjoyment...HA. Anyhow she said that she was playing devil's advocate, combating every point that I brought up, allowing me to combat every point that she combated. It went fucking no where. We ended up in the same position as before. So what I noticed is that playing devil's advocate one does not stand for self, but stand for spiting the other with the words that they spit. And she realized it as well, which is nice. she noticed that she was putting up a boundry so that it can be pushed passed, then she got angry that I was pushing her boundries.

Playing devil's advocate does not work in conversation, because one will always look towards any faults within the words that the other speaks, not allowing one to see the common sense being applied, Or any truths, only looking at the faults. Being the devils advocate goes no where. Listening as oneself is how to actually communicate.

The conversation was revolving around Equal  Money and the application of it. She was using the idea of a utopia to create a stand against point.

The conversatan whent nowhere, as I previously stated. The way I see it I was pushing her boundries as she was trying to close mine. I was standing for an Equal money system, supporting it, she was standing for the belief that it cannot happen. The conversation whent back and forth. It lasted maybe a half hour. And playing the devil's advocate, she got upset, upset that her boundries were being pushed. And I was pushing because I wanted to get the point through that an EMS is the best solution for this world, to stop the abuse. So she was standing her gorund, not opening up, and I was standing mine open to her words but not accepting them, because I would have to submit to submission of the system to accept the words that she was speaking. I am having trouble communicating. I do not know what point I am exactly thrying to get across. the point I want to get across the being the devil's advocate in conversatan is not useful. When one uses that tactic you are closed within only being combative and not listening to the words but constantly looking for faults.

So the point of conversation, I was talking to a person today trying to explain how I have been stuck in my mind, and the person got defenseful, because I was pushing. This is definately a point that I need to work on within conversation. I have been pushing information and knowledge onto the other person rather than applying that information and knowledge within sharing. I have been trying to slow myself down to share myself but It is tough as I have programmed myself to "prove that I am right". So within that conversation I noticed that I was pushing once it was done and what was interesting was that I felt rejected after. And I noticed that it was because I was pushing myself to be heard. I was listening to the words that she was typing, and applying ym point of view but pushing not, sharing. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow myself down to the point where I am sharing myself constantly rather than pushing myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself onto others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to feel rejected when people walk away from a conversation.

Within conversing I am not usually here participating and living each word Even now I am not here I am projecting a point and using words to get to that point...not directing myself here in each and every word that I am typing. Conversing is a point that I need to slow myself down within and be here in each moment directing myself and not reacting.

So playing the devil's advocate is a useful too to test ones understanding but to use that to communicate is useless.