Lost of writing with no direction....

Sleeping and feeling like I am ineffective in relation to being uncomfortable with my posts.


This point was brought up when watching Sunettes video on depression, the point that I woke up with today was feeing that I have been ineffective, and that my life was worthless and that I have done nothing….Ths was a lie and in watching sunnette’s video I see that I was expereinceng a past experience of myself as a belief of myself as being effective. This point came up out of fearing my posts, and believing that I am not `good` enough, not knowledgeable enough to effectively support another individual and was fearing that I was going to end up fucking with someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and fear that I am not enough to help someone else. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I first must be enough to support someone, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being who is delusional. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thatI am intelligent or smart enough to help someone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own actions within/as reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself with the worry of whether or not I am actually effective in helping someone thus separating myself from my own actions and allowing a system or program to guide me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my own words to help and support another individual being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become and realize that I am equal to all other beings, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation to exist within the words of stupid, intelligent, ignorant, aware. So that is what I woke up with today is this heavy depression of a belief and experience of that belief of myself being ineffective and worthless in regards to helping another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow depression to take me over, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own power over to depression and allow it to control me. I pushed through this to write it out and now I am depressed that I cannot get rid of these superior thoughts. And starting to become frustrated with the thoughts as I do not like it yet I believe it. I am existing as both ego here when believing that I am superior and not liking the fact that I am thinking I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the fact that I am thinking that I am superior thus separating myself from the fact that I am accepting the thought. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more than others through/as intelligence and application of myself. I am not taking this point directly on I am not existing as it standing equal to it, I am projecting myself onto it as a belief that I can control it and remove yet I still give myself up to the thought andnot stop within the moment. I am that depression right now, I am not breathing I have just been sitting here trying to think this over and try to think my way out of this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking is the solituon. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and solve my depression by thinking. Why I started to feel this way is, that I am watching the Radical Relationships and the God System and I realize that I have been only following and not creating my own reality, only following stopping sugar because it has been said, only stopping cigarettes because it has been said, and I become depressed with that fact and the realization that Imust completely start over. And re-start my entire process with myself as the starting point….I became depressed because I saw it as a large task to complete and believe that I will not be what I want to be which is done or superior or transcended, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be me. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to exist as/for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am an abuser with believing that I have free will. I believe that have free will right now and can do whatever I want, and what I want is to believe that I am more than another….Iwas watching 2 movies in the past 2 days (28 days later, and 28 weeks later) during the movie I was thinking about what I would do if I were in that position…free will no consequences…no foreseeable consequences, I would participate in my free will and believe that I can do what ever I want, and this is coming through now…In one of Katie’s videos where she reviews the Black Swam movie she describes that she becomes the energetic experience that she felt throughout the movie, and then ended up living it out, with the thoughts of If I starve myself I can become skinny…I can look like that…and this I experienced as well, where I gave way to my `darkside` where I thought abusive thoughts, and within this movie I am living out my free will, where I think whatever I want which is revolving around that I am better than any/every one. Movies fuck with one a great deal…but the movie is assisting withbringing out what is within oneself anyways, so it obviously is not the movie, it is me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that I am more than any other being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of superiority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I am more than another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a mind reality when thinking/believing myself to be superior. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myselfin the physical reality when thinking/believing that I am superior.

Existing for others

I have decided to take on this point as it has started to be shown within my reality and I have come to start to notice it and no longer am going to allow this to affect me. This point opened up through my sleeping habits. I have been sleeping more and more and more. And when getting up I think about all the things that I have to do today for myself, and I have been saying/thinking “fuck it, sleep is more enjoyable”. Within this I have been wanting to sleep more. I have not been getting up and moving myself for myself. I have been existing in desires and wants of escaping my reality and facing myself here. In the past I was able to sleep 4-6 hours a night no problem, and I realize now that my starting point was to prove myself as being effective to life. So recently I have not been sleeping 4-6 hours a night and it is because I have been wanting to sleep in because of the escape. I have not been existing for myself within this. I have been existing with the mind within this giving into desires because I no longer wanted to prove myself. I only now am aware of this point although I have noticed it many times, I have ignored it though. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am responsible for my reality and must direct it accordingly. That is what happens when I wake up. I think about the things I have to do within that day, and compare that to sleeping more and I ignore that fact that getting up in that moment is what would be best for me and continue sleeping. Within this I obviously am not existing for myself. I am taking on this point before it becomes a problem in my reality…I see that if I continue this I am going to have to give up some things that I want to keep. Like writing for example, as if I sleep too much I will only have time for work and won’t be able to write…the looking at this point within the equality equation I see that this is possible because I have started to sleep to get through any time that I have to wait through instead of doing something productive that would assist me.


When I exist for others I exist as a perception that others will `hopefully` accept and enjoy. I place myself within/as this perception through fear of sharing myself, because of childhood abuse…I spoke about in my vlog the link is attached. I have been fearing other people and their power over me….AH cool I did not see this before. I got hit as a kid because I stood up and my mother having power over me abused it, and now I fear being abused again by people having power over me. The thing is that I give my power to them by existing in inferiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused by power. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse power. The reason why I exist like this is because I saw when I got hit that people that have power over me have a direct control of my reality, and that if I stand up and show them them then they will fight back against me, and being a kid at the time I was not strong physically, I had to stand there and take it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by getting slapped. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing getting hit as a kid to affect my standing up in my reality now. I have not seen these points before….So I have given up my power to everyone in my reality, from the perscpective that if I want friends the other people are in control of that, and I must mold myself into their liking. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold myself into as someones likings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mold myself into a belief of how to be liked. This revolved around wanting to be accepted by others, and not accepting myself as life as who I am. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as life as who I am . Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as who I am as life.

Within conversation with people I notice that I give into their words. I do not hear their words, I just blindly accept their words. I confirm everything they say, unless it is completely abusive, from fear of not having anyone around to support me. Through fear of being alone, through fear of standing as myself alone. I will speak in a manor of acceptance of their words and not give my own perspective on it. I am not inferior to anyone, I only give them my power through acceptance of inferiority, I only allow them to walk over me if they choose to, I do not need to comply with everything in this system, I will only move myself around in this system effectively and existing within inferiority is not effective. People are not going to stand up for themselves, rarely do they ever as I show myself, This is going to be a process of walking myself through this and when I fear saying something out of fear of not being accepted or hurting another’s ego I must check my starting point and continue to say it if it is self-honest or effective at stopping this inferiority construct. And stop participating inothers conversations if they are bullshit and go no where. I no longer accept myself as inferiority, and I no longer accept this bullshit in my reality.

Thank you, Paul Quessy