Responbile for all that exists

My perception of self-responsibility was that of only being responsible for my actions, but it is not. It is not only what I accept and allow within and as my actions, but it is a realization that coming to Earth I have accepted and allowed everything that is here. I accepted and allowed aging to exist, I accepted and allowed death to exist, I accepted and allowed the polarity of life and death to exist. I accepted and allowed the systematic construction of nature. I accepted and allowed

Through coming to this Earth I have inherently accepted everything that is here. I accepted the design of the trees, I accepted that the human must eat to survive, I accepted the electronics industry, I accepted that children will be bombed, I accepted that war is within the Human Nature I accepted the human nature in its entirety.

I have thought that I was susceptible to the physical, that it creates itself. That I am here and subject to the physical and its whims. I did not realize that I accepted and allowed and am thus responsible for all that is here within/as the physical. I got this belief from our accepted and allowed beliefs of what being a human is, thus our beliefs of what a human is is not in fact truth.

The point of taking responsibility for all things here is a massive point to deal with. Because I must then ask the question, is what is here best for all, is aging best for all, is the purpose of eating best for all, is the design of legs best for all, is the design of trees best for all, are animals best for all, is the design of the soil best for all. Looking at these points and realizing that I accepted it as what it is means that I am equally responsible through acceptance for what is here. Thus I am responsible for what is here. All beings on this Earth are responsible for this Earth through being here on this Earth, and the point that I did not look at before was the point of EVERYTHING. Eating, shitting, breathing, the eyes, the animals, the way animals live, the way humans live, capitalism, products, the polarity here, the timeloops and cycles here ,the weather, the nature, the ships, the cargo, the past, the present, everything that is here I am responsible through accepting MYSELF as here.

I believed that the physical, the design of the physical was set in stone, I thought that the physical would never be able to change its  ways, thus me as the physical, I believe that I am never to change my ways, I believed that who I am has been set in stone when in fact change is possible. Change is absolutely achievable, and if I am able to change who I am then the physical, nature, animals are able to change who they are. I am still limited by my participation within the mind, thus I am only able to change who I am within the mind…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am limited to the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the physical is not able to change, that the nature of the physical is not able to change and within that accept the belief that human nature is not able to change when in fact it is clear that it is able to change through the examples of Bernard Poolman, of Sunette Spies, of all that have changed their ways, of all that has shown change is absolutely possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am subject ot the physical, that  am here as a human only as a cell within the whole, subject to the workings of the whole, not able to change the whole.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that we must stand as the whole to make a substantial effort in changing the physical, that we as all as the whole must stand as one dedicating the same amount of effort to change this reality, as we have all dedicated the same amount of effort to accept reality as it is.

Through the belief that I am subject ot the physical I have abdicated self-responsibility for myself here within the physical. I believed that I am subject to the whole, not realizing that I am equally creating the whole as myself, and if I make a change within myself I can influence and infect the whole, so if I make a change for what is best for all I infect, influence the whole within what is best for all, then the whole is thus able to decide and realize what it is doing in fact as well, and decide to make that change for what is best for the whole/ALL as well.

I realize that as a cell within the whole I am only able to change myself but through changing myself I am able to infect, influence all others within the whole to get them to  change as well, thus not accepting what is here any longer and abdicate self-responsibility for being the creators of EVERYTHING that is here .

I am not subject to the physical, I am here as the physical able to change myself, first I must move through who I am within the mind to change myself as who I am as the physical.

I am a cell within the whole of the physical, I am able to change myself and influence others and stand with/as others to move the whole to change this reality into what is best for all.

Remebering Breath

Mar 10th 10:21pm


Remembering breath

So hw do I remember that I am breathing. How do I realize myself breathing in each moment. So When I lose recognition of myself breathing I am thinking about what to do. I lose sight of the natural breath. I just lost sight there, and it I am not directive in that moment. I access my mind and look for something that will stimulate it. So no I do not create breath, I am not responsible for it, but I am responsible for myself within breathing, I create myself within breathing, through breathing. So in that moment I was accessing myself within the mind and looking for a stimulation point, and these stimulation points are what I distract myself from breathing within. Interesting that when I distract myself I am not aware of myself distracting myself. Only until I do not get any stimulation do I come out of the possession. When I cannot find what I am looking for I stop the search. Ok cool so searching is always outside of self, and I will constantly look outside of myself for stimulation until I do not find it. Why does the outside stimulate, where did I learn to stimulate myself through separation? Why does stimulation occur in separation. Why are we not stimulated by breath. Simply because it is all mind and mind was created in separation so it is kept itself alive within separation as separation allows it to continue, it deviloped a way to keep itself stimulated to keep it going. So I place myself within myself without stimulation and I become awake. I become much more awake that I have been in the previous moment. So obviously stimulation keeps the mind active and `awake`. So if All of this is through/as the mind where and how am I? I am here within/as the body within/as breath. I am here infinitely. A mind is only a distraction point, a point that I do not realize the traction I have here within the physical. It keeps me distracted from my self here. So I am the traction here within/as the physical. I am here within/as the physical. The mind is all an illusion. I use it and keep it going to delude me from being here as the physical. I dis-tract myself from the physical traction, which is the feeling, the touch t-ouch that I am. Breath is when I realize that I am feeling, that I am touching in every moment, and in every moment I am breathing, and only when I think, use my mind do I forget, dis-tract myself from here.

Fears are the Possibilites of this Reality

Mar 10th 2011 4:36am


I am watching Joanna’s video on her hunger and the physicality and the equality of the physical. She was talking about how some will fear not having food. Now I saw within this that fear shows what is possible in this world. We must ask then why are we fearing this and why is this an accepted existence. Meaning we fear not having food, we fear not having sustenance, so we must ask then why is it possible to not have food, why is this an accepted `way of life` . Why is it possible to go without food, why is it possible to not have sustenance? As well as how. So this fear of not having food shows the reality of the world. It shows that it is possible to not have food, it shows that it is possible to go insane, it shows that in this world it is possible to not have shelter. So why are these fears accepted within reality as us. Why are we existing as these fears, why are we allowing these fears to exists both internally and externally. It is not so much a question of why but how. How is because of money, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become reliant on the amount of money we have, and that amount determines or quality of life, which is completely fucking stupid as one look at the economic system. We are all subject to this crap and limitation. I was walking through a university, and I realized that there are a lot of people in that university…how many jobs could there actually be out there that support each ones `field`. I then questioned how many people will get a job and how many people are `wasting` their money setting themselves up for disappointment. So just because one has an education does not mean that a job is readily available to oneself, we are still limited by the limitation within this world…and we accept it. We accept starvation and poverty through this system…and it is murder because it is ACCEPTED it is a CREATED reality, not a fact of life as many believe, we ACCEPT starvation through our own accepted limitation of this system, through dependency on a job to get money. If 1500 people have a University degree and there are only 1000 jobs, which is the limitation, then 500 people are left without a job, left without an income, and left to `fight for their own survival`. This world is truly merciless. And we accept that fact of limitation as a reality, we accept it as `part of life`, and that is another thing to…we believe that life is and always will be this way…HA! Many do not believe in god, but through that accepted belief it is absolutely equal to the belief of a god. Anyways life is not a set pattern, it is completely changing, and through this and through realizing that we humans have control of the planet, control of existene right now, we can create a world where we are not dependant on jobs to create an income, we aare not dependant on a limitation within the system to support ourselves as life in this physical existence…An Equal Money System solves the limitation of jobs and an income, where one is no longer dependant on a job to provide income, no longer dependant on an outside resource to provide a physical existence for oneself.

The realization that this system cannot support itself is right infront of your eyes but we are blinded by our wants and self-interests to see, so suffering will either come to you or you will realize that we are responsible for our own suffering.

Stand for all life Equally and support an Equal Money System.

Stimulation and Physicality.

Mar 6th 2011 6:46pm


I have nothing to write about in the context of myself, I have been up for 3 hours and have only been on the computer. I have not lived I am only observing, and I am looking for something to place myself into, I am looking for something to put myself into, I am thinking about smoking so that I may participate in something. I am sitting here looking for something to do, I am bored. I am waiting for work and waiting to go home to my home. I am not applying myself in areas in which I could be…I am looking to stimulate my mind. I am looking to stimulate my mind through cigarettes, skateboarding, I could be reading, but I am not. I am looking for energy. I am not participating in the physical, I am within my mind right now looking for something to attach to in which I can give myself a task within, something that is entertaining though. So this is harmful for me and I am going to read.

Looking for Stimulation within energy

Feb 23rd 2011 4:15pm


I m wrting here with nothing to write about, know ideas of what to write just myself and the computer and movement. I do not know what to write about, I have no certainty, so I must decide. There has not been anything about myself that is worth writing about. I did not nap today, I have been losing myself in backchatting while at work. I have been reading a introduction to politics book, that I did not return to my highschool. I have been breathing differently.

The breath that I am using, is one that is quick and strong and shallow. I am using this to stop my my thoughts and focus on myself as breath. Instead of using the same pattern of breathing, I have been using this type of breath and it has been working quite effectively and I am enjoying myself within/as it. I was ignoring my thoughts using this breath at first, but I have been using it to stop them and move past them. What would happen is backchatting is I would know that a thought is coming up or a judgment or whatever and I would breathe but not stop the thought, I would still allow it to pass, within this breath I find it easier to focus on myself as breath and within breath and not focus on myself within the mind stopping myelf within the mind. Stopping myself within the mind means placing myself within the physical. I have been doing it differently - stopping myself while still being in the mind. Stopping myself within the mind and not stopping my participation within the mind. I stopped myself within the mind out of fear. A good example of this was while I was at work a while ago I was fighting with yawning, I felt it coming and wanted to stop it I was fighting with it and it came further and I had to completely stop myself physically, it was a robot shutting down, just stopping within one moment everything, freezing myself. I stopped the yawn then and there and then continued my work. I did not stop myself from participating in the mind, I stopped the mind as me. I was fearing yawning in that moment. I did not place myself in the physical as breath, I just stopped like a fucking robot. Stopping the mind will not do anything, as I power it, I must stop myself from participating within the mind. I am not the mind so stopping myself within the mind is only temporary, obviously when I do that I `shut down` and when I place myself in the physical I start becoming aware of my breath and my presence here.



Feb 23rd 2011 4:34pm

I realized that I was participating in energetics. I noticed that I was watching skateboarding videos and not focusing on myself or reading desteni material or watching videos or doing something productive. I was within an energy of `hyperness` and I was not placing myself here within that or stopping myself within that. I calmed myself down and allowed myself to place myself here. And within this I am much more directive. I am not directed by the energy in which I would have been watching or looking for something to `stimulate` me. I noticed this only when it came to a point where I did not know where to go. I have been to all of the sites that I usually go to for skateboarding `news` and was still feeling antsy, I was thinking about playing a video game and applying myself in that direction and decided against it, I then thought…`where do I place myself then`? Meaning where do I place myself with all of the energy that I am within right now. Within that moment I realized that I was participating in energy and this was limiting me from writing myself out effectively as writing does not `stimulate` me. I slowed myself down with a slower breath. So I used energy within breath and slowed myself down and removed it with breath. It is aswell as an `awareness` of myself here. I placed myself here instead of within the energy looking for something to stimulate myself with within that energy. I was looking for something to place myself within as the energy, so that I could `feel` something. I do this frequently with skateboarding. On the walk to work is when I do it the most.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I am in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from participating in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within breath, within the physical when I am participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to calm myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hyper

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from here through participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value within doubt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place value within life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place value within the physical expression of myself.

Sexuality

I have feared women. I have valued them more than me. I have placed myself in an inferiority position to women. This comes from the fact that my mom `excersized` her power of me when I was a kid. Thus I believed that women are more than me…more powerful than me. So that is the point that I have created them as more than me. When I was a kid, my sister caught me in the shower and said that my penis was small. Then valuing women more than me I valued her word more than my own. I started to believe that my penis was small. This got passed onto my classmates and other females in my class as my sister spread to word. I felt very insecure within this because I had no idea whether it was small or not and evidently neither did she. Since I valued her opinion more than mine I started to believe that my penis was small. And within this I started to fear women judging me thus seeing me as less then me, placing value on myself through/as acceptance from women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on myself through/as acceptance from females. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to value myself only if females accept me. So I was insecure about myself from there on around females. As I have realted my mental exposure to my physical exposure I never exposed myself to females. That starting point of unintentional physical exposure to a female and then being judged as inferior to my value system of penis size, which is completely ridiculous and irrelevant, I started to feel inferior to women and started to fear exposing myself around them, and started to feel awkward and uncomfortable around women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the size of a penis I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women’s value’s lie on penis size. So within that I have been fearing being judged by women as I have seen them as more powerful than me so I have resisted opening myself up to them and therefore I have been trying to create a perception of me as superior to them. I have been desiring to be accepted by them, I have been wanting to be accepted by them as I saw myself not being accepted unconditionally as a child through my mother beating me, so I have struck up conversation little bits at a time with certain females and if I feel accepted by them I will then start to create a fantasy about them, and be happy that they are accepting me, as I feel comfortable around them, not fearing being judged by them through this belief of acceptance.


This acceptance is also a form of comfort for me. I cannot have sex with another…well currently if I feel uncomfortable, if I am judging myself, I simply cannot get it up until I feel comfortable. So for example with my last girlfriend, I was staying at her house and planned to have sex with her…this was my first time and was nervous and uncomfortable so I could not get it up, this happened before as well and went in to a spiral of judgement and basically ran away from the situation, this time I had to face it as I was sleeping there. Lol my thought pattern went as such: Fuck I hope she does not judge me for this, I cannot get out of here, I am going to have to stay here for the night, then when I woke up: cool she still wants to be around me, I do not feel judged, I feel comfortable. I was then able to fuck. The main point Is that I did not judge myself entirely for this matter, I allowed it to go and felt as though she was not judging me…I ws looking for judgement within her, I was looking for the judgment of myself within her, did not find it and felt comfortable. So I have had this fear of being judged from when I was exposed to my sister and judged as being `less than` within my own mind, and attached this point to all females, allowing myself to believe that the inferior feeling I felt was real, and thus not allowing myself to again expose myself to a female. Ok So lots of memories and thoughts….When Iwas with a girlfriend before my last, this same shit happened and this is when I `ran` from facing myself, but that is beside the point. When we were to make out we would dry hump, and eventually she started giving me a hand job. I was hard before she stuck her hands down my pants, but felt that I was going limp as she started to touch me, and got nervous within this and tried as hard as I could to keep my dick hard. Within this I became immediately worried about how she would think of me and was much more focused on that than the physical feeling. It was a fear of her seeing the `real me` instead of me acting like my `dick is so big` , it was a fear that she would then and there know the `real` me. I went limp because Iwas not sharing my entire mental self with her then, I did not expose myself entirely mentally, thus allowing myself to expose myself physically. That whole event of being exposed to my sister did some interesting things to me…I was inadvertently exposed to my sister and then `mentally attacked` through the value that I held so within that moment my physical was exposed and then defined by a female who I thought to be more than me and then my mental placed an insignificance onto myself through value of penis size. So I believed that I was inferior physically to the value system of penis size and inferior to women through as power and thus believed myself to be entirely inferior to females. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become equal in all ways always around and to females, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my power of myself to females. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own two feet for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior.

Ok so bring this back to me, I am the one responsible for placing value on penis size, I am the one responsible for accepting the belief within myself of having a small penis, I have an average penis not small nor big so I am letting this belief and value of penis size go. I am the one who has been accepting myself to be uncomfortable around females through fear of being judged and I am the one who has been placing value on their opinion of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value females opinions of me over my own knowledge of myself. I am simply no longer going to desire to be accepted by females. I am not longer going to accept myself to feel uncomfortable around females. I am simply going to allow myself to be me I am not longer going to judge myself around females. I am not longer going to accepted myself to judge myself as inferior to females. I am not longer going to desire to be accepted by females. I am accepting myself as me around everyone. Why am I accepting myself to not accept myself around females? Because I have given my power over to them through as my belief of them being more than me, giving them the power to place value on me…HA and it all comes from me I believe that if they smile then they accept me, if they are positive then I am accepted and if they `respond` negatively then I am unaccepted thus valuing myself accordingly, I take back the power I never gave away. I empower myself from here out. Till here no further do I accept myself to give my power away to a belief of women compared to me nor do I accept myself to de-value myself around women.

Ok so what is cool is that Through feeling inferior to women I have then directed myself to males at times. I have directed myself to males…cool no discomfort writing about this. I have directed myself to this because I have felt immediately accepted by most males and have been comfortable around them for the most part, as I have had no fear of being judged around them or judging myself around them. Although there is still a uncomfortablility around my friends as I have believed that I need to be accepted so I have mimicked them to get their `approval`. And I see that now as I saw it before but never expanded on it through writing. Ok so memories : when I moved to this city from the one I `grew up` in I was very fearful of being accepted by others, it was in grade 2, but still feared being an outcast. What happened when I walked into that class was one of my former friends ran up to me and screamed do you want to be my friend? So this was like an icebreaker for me and I did not fear meeting anyone knew as I had a `way in` to the class through this individual. So from my experience I have been accepted easily by males and thus have developed a relationship with them as being comfortable around them as being accepted by them, and this being the polarity to females, so I have developed an attraction to males but again it is just from a comfort point. When I am attracted to males it is simply out of physical attraction I have never fantasized about having a relationship with a male, I have only fantasized about having a relationship with females. Females are there for support as I have seen myself as less than them, I have believed that I need a female in my life to keep me `afloat`. When I was attracted to a male today it was as if he was a like mind, one that I could relate to, as well it was the physical features. It is the exact same with a women…physical features, and being a like mind that I can relate to, as well as emotional support. So males it is about again comfortability, that I am more comfortable around them and me being attracted to myself through muscles I am then attracted to other males for the same reasons, again I cannot see me in a relationship with a male, I cannot relate to them sexually I do not enjoy sex with males, it is just that I have feared myself allowing myself to just be around females to the extent that I have directed myself towards males. I have had sex with a male, but this was because I was completely curious why sex was so big in this world and was desiring to experience it in any way. It was not out of a attraction but curiosity. When I was attracted today it felt as though that I could relate to this guy completely and the physical features is what I was attracted to as well.

K so there is no point further to take this within writing, only to live it now, I am going to remove my uncomfortability and desire to be accepted by everyone, male and female, and allow me to express myself with judgment of myself. See where that takes me, as I am seeing that the points between the female and male are roughly the same. I feel uncomfortable around males that I see as superior to me…why do I see that? And I am attracted to males that I see as equal to me same with females I am attracted to ones who I see that I am equal to, ones that I can relate to, and I feel uncomfortable around others from judging myself, as being less than and that my actions are less than theirs and that I must make others smile to not feel inferior to them. I am attracted to people who I can REALTE to, that is the key here, and I am going to remove all of these inferiorities and see where I end up and I am going to stop judging myself and see where I end up and each time bring it back to me all ways always. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring myself back to myself in all ways always. I am attracted to people who I can relate to to bring me the most comfort. So if I cannot relate to women have a female expression around that I can relate to then I will go to a male, as I see absolutely no difference between the 2. Male and Female are the same to me…it is the person who I can relate to and it does not matter to me whether or not it is female or male…I am going to investigate this further and check out everything.

Looking at the attraction to males it is physical attraction, based on muscle and style and features. I again feel comfortable around them and want to let go and be supported by them. For Females, it is again the features firstly and the face, the face says everything about the expression and that is what I am drawn to, how they express themselves. So I am attracted to a specific type of expression in another. One that I can relate to, so lets say plays video games or skates..that is the physical relation and the mental relation would be one of needing and wanting support, so that I would support them as much as they would support me. Lookin at this and bringing it back to me now, I do not need this nor am I this any longer. I have supported myself, and am working on supporting myself in All ways. It is still `inherent` within me to look for that support from another individual. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for support within an agreement/relationship within another being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally. So when that support exists I can feel comfortable in knowing that they know me well enough to push certain buttons within me to support me personality wise and ego wise. Again my solution is to investigate myself whenever an attraction arises within me and to not go into an agreement/relationship for at least a year, supporting myself within that year entirely.

I was investigating myself today within this point and I have noticed that Men I am comfortable around physically, because I have never felt judgment from them physically, but mentally I have. I am mentally comfortable around women, because I have been able to share anything mentally with women throughout my life. So this is very interesting how I was judged on my penis size and within that I started to believe myself to be inferior and I now fear exposing myself physically to women. And this whole `Men don’t share emotions` that is involved within society has affected me as well. I have allowed myself to fear exposing myself mentally to other males. So the solution is to equalize myself to both points and bring it back to me, as I am responsible for this, it is to share myself with anyone, male or female who I am able to share myself with. And to not judge myself as inferior physically.

Sharing my Life

Right now I am working 2 jobs that I do not really mind, I was getting very low hours and decided to switch positions to a facilities shift at the clothing store job, meaning that I clean the washrooms and floors. This position provides guaranteed hours which I like and need, and the work I enjoy as well I move at my own pace and there is absolutely no stress that I create. So that is one job the other is a grocery store job in which things have been rocky. I cannot get done much of the work that they ask me to do, and I feel worried about that believing that I need to get done everything that they ask or they will be frustrated with me. That job I have backchatted within a lot and the consequences are now coming out. They are required to cut hours, and that is what has been done…For the week of Feb 16 I have no hours. If that continues for 4 weeks I get laid off. So I have been directing that point and When I opened up my email I had a job offer from a kijiji add I posted a while ago, so that was perfect timing. I have options here. I can transfer from the one store that I am at to another store where I will get more hours, or I can follow this new job. This new job sounded cool where they are a business that helps middle-class families help allocate their monies, and I suppose sell products that help with that, They do not push their products they only want to help… which is really cool. So that is an opportunity. But the point is that having the grocery store job I will have benefits after another 1 ½ of working there and all of my medicines will be covered 100% which will be very helpful as I am not using some of the tools available because of the expense of them. I am wanting to keep the grocery store job and am going to look into switching stores as my clothing store job is in a mall that has the same grocery store so that could work out pretty well.


That is one point that is going on, another point that is semi-related is my family. I asked my sister to put a word in for me at her store as she works at the same grocery store that is in the mall that my clothing store job is in…fuck it I am going to name names. Clothing store = Old Navy, Grocery store = Zehrs. So I asked her to do that for me and told her that I am going in to talk with a manager from that Zehrs the next time I work at Old Navy, she said that that was not a good idea because they are busy and that I should not pester them…looking at those words she is hiding something, or has a different reason, as they are nto really busy because it is the beginning of the year and all stores are pretty slow. Her reaction most likely is coming from my response to my dad. He sent me a facebook message saying that a smile takes a lot less energy and muscle, and this had been continuing on for sometime….him saying that I need to smile more and that this world isn’t as bad as I say it is, and that there is love and such other positivities, to which I replied that this is unacceptable and that I am not going to smile because you want me to, just to give him some satisfaction of trying to keep me away from the shit in this world, as all parents do. So this whole point has been revolving around my family. My mother is cool with who I am and does not impose too much shit onto me, but my father and sister are one and the same, trying to get me to smile and stop being so `negative`, to which I have been saying fuck off recently to. So I laughed when my sister told me not to pester them because she has been preaching unconditional love and family love for quite a long time to me, and that I should love my family because they are my family. She shows no unconditional love in her trying to keep me away from her…that is most likely the reason, she will not want me working around her, and most likely does not want to see me. This point has been around since I started to participate in and watch desteni videos. My mother over time `gave` in and noticed that this was helping me. My mother gave in because I have been around her since I started, so she has been able to notice a change and since I have been living this now I am able to explain it better to her and talk easier about it. My Father and Sister are still held down by their belief of what desteni is and dislike me participating in it, because of their belief of what it is. So there has been a conflict within my family but slowly they are starting to accept me for what I am doing and not trying to impose anything on me and allowing me to express myself. Slowly they are starting to stop pushing their views onto me.

My physical life is easy, and my mental side is difficult. I was watching a interview from a being (not sure which who) through the portal, and they said that everyone will have an easy mental life and difficult physical life or the other way around to have that polarity of things. So my mental is what I have been dealing with for some time now, trying to figure everything out by thinking, which I have realized does not work, and that only breath can assist me In seeing clearly. I have been trying to figure out my life through thinking, so I have not been looking at the situation clearly, I have not been using common sense to see where I currently am within my participation in this world/system/life. The mental is what I have been focusing on, and trying to get through, as my physical position is enough to support me as life. My life at the moment is ok, I have been working through stress and emotions and feelings to get to me, for me to support me, and working on equalizing myself to the physical as me.