Appearance and Depression

Apr 27^th 2011
Today I was noticing myself dressing myself up for a look, using style to create an image of myself. I got home and undressed from wet clothes from the rain, and thought about what to wear based on the weather outside. It had stopped raining by then and I thought that it was a bit cold, so I got outside and realized that it was not cold but damn humid and sunny. When I put on the clothes first I wore what I thought was appropriate for the weather, and I did not take sunglasses as I realized that it was for an image. So I got outside and it was humid and a bit sunny, sunny enough for me to squint my eyes, so I used that to justify wearing sunglasses as well I changed from my one shirt to a lighter one but it was primarily based on an image...I have many shirts that are light but I chose this one based on a look.

The starting thought for what I am wearing is based on an image based on an idea of `cool` and sex appeal. During the walk here I was staring at a reflection of myself within mirrors and glass to `check up` on this image that I was trying to keep and maintain. I did not go to the utmost extent and wore glasses only when it was necessary due to the sun, and did not wear them inside to maintain that image at any moment so I did not push myself to keep that image but within walking I certainly tried to upkeep that image and judged myself for any minute detail that I did not like and then became insecure based around that idea of myself to which I laughed at myself because I saw that insecurity and how it was affecting me so I stopped that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear clothes that support an image
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to specifically choose clothes that support an image
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use clothing to support an image instead of using them for functionality based on weather and usage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the fashion industry by wanting to look like an image instead of using clothing for functionality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to stare into a mirror to upkeep the image that I try and support as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become/want to be an image instead of living here within breath as a human as constant movement within/as sound/physicality.

I started to, after a while, correct my actions. When I noticed that I was moving to support an image based on sex appeal I would stop that action and move within functionality, or just not move myself within that aspect, for instance I would move to tuck my shirt into my pants to support sex appeal and when I moved to do this within the thought I stopped and left it the way it was.

At other times I do not stop myself moving within making my appearance appear a certain way based on clothing etc.

I unconditionally apply myself within stopping defining myself as appearance as it is not important in terms of life and will only move within appearance when moving within the system and my life demands it like an interview etc. And stick to breathing

May 1^st 2011

I have not written consistently in the past few days and from this I have been going into a state of depression. I have been sleeping extensively to attempt to escape this depression. I knew this is coming from the lack of writing because I have been giving into resistances to writing, and have not written what I have wanted to written nor have been assisting myself within process. I have been slacking in process not investigating myself for a few days. So I have been falling slowly but surely and have not been pushing myself through resistances.

I have given into resistances in the past few days, and I have not pushed myself through resistances to writing and gave into sleeping. I have been distracting myself from facing myself with television and sleeping.

Within this I did not get out of my depression, I was looking for ways to make myself happier as I dislike the low energy. So I used sleeping and tv to attempt to give myself the `high` energy.

This depression followed me throughout work as well to a point where I wanted to quit extensively like quitting would make me feel better or place stress off of myself.

So this here is a rededication to again writing daily about myself experiencing myself through my day and to apply effective self forgiveness and self corrective statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my resistances
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances towards writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing is a difficult task
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put writing off to another moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write within the moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write each day
I realize that putting off writing and giving into resistances to writing will only push myself further into falling and in the moment of resisting writing I push myself to write, write whatever comes out, write myself out unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into depression
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write thus allowing myself to become depressed at applying myself
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed apply and investigate myself unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that depression is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energy that I experience is real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to energetical movements

I dedicate and commit myself to investigating myself unconditionally, to look at how I have created these energetical movements, and I realize that these energetical movements are not me, and that I have created them, and not subject to them. I stick to breathing in moments of depression and unconditionally apply myself to write myself out when depressed to get the movements of depression out of me and unconditionally apply self forgiveness on the depression points. I realize that depression is useless and I only allow it through allowing energetical movements from highs to low so I unconditionally apply myself sticking to breath as me here stopping myself from moving into my mind believing me to be my mind.

Depression is worthless

Apr 11th 2011


Today I did no backchat as much. I noticed that I was stopping my fears much more. I was not worried about anything. During work I stopped a lot of my backchatting, and was singing more, singing random songs that came into my head. I cut my finger the other day, and this was limiting me within my work, I started to get fearful of not getting everything done in time for the store to open. I let this go and told myself I can only do what I can do in breath and within that I stopped fearing not getting everything done, stopped fearing not working efficiently. So at work I was fine. I got home made food sat down and slept. I slept to sleep but I stayed asleep past the alarm that I had set to get up and do things like buy groceries and go to the library to use the internet. Within sleeping past this time I started to become very depressed for not using my time effectively. I started to watch much more television to distract myself from facing myself. I became depressed because I allowed myself to sleep and knew the consequences of sleeping, and I allowed that knowledge of the consequences to hinder me. I accepted that consequence, which was depression and a lack of a want to write and resisting writing because of the depression. I realize this now that I could not have allowed that to hinder me, that I could have simply got up when I got up and did what I had to do, but I allowed depression to exist and within that I did not want to do anything so I didn’t.

Allowing depression in that moment to exist hindered me completely. I did not have to accept it as a consequence of sleeping. Again this was because I did not follow through on my plan to get things done, my plan of `effectiveness`. So I allowed depression to exist because I was not effective in my life, but I did not need to become depressed, I only had to get up and be effective meaning writing myself out and doing some of my ITD work, and then moving from there. I was resisting writing anything down and started to watch tv. I allowed that to exist for about an hour, then I did the shopping, and when I came back I made some food, and then again watched some tv, still allowing the depression to guide me into doing nothing that will support myself or this world.

It was quite unnessesary to become depressed in that moment, I allowed it because I did not do exactly what I wanted to do, and within this I allowed myself to further delay myself. I could have simply took that moment and fucking directed myself simply rather than allowing myself to fall into depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression for not being effective or using my time effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose depression over directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by depression instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment of waking up after wasting time to waste more time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to in the moment of waking up taking responsibility for myself here and directing myself effectively to support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the moment of waking up go into depression instead of directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in depression looking for something to take me out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from depression through looking for the solution outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the solution to depression as I am the creator of my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch tv when feeling depressed to escape facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to not face my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my creation of depression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within depression taking a directive stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into more depression when feeling depressed instead of standing in that moment becoming self-directive.

In the moment I feel depression I do not accept myself to watch tv or sulk around I take directive movement and I direct my movement to correct my depression

I stop I breathe in the moment of depression I get up I stand and direct myself.

In the moment of depression I will write as it seems to work as that is the reason I became depressed because I was not doing what I knew I should do and giving into resistances.

I do not allow myself to continue in depression when I feel depressed I stand up and I direct myself to do what I need to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances of writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push past the resistances.

I push past these resistances from here further.

Depression and facing the points

Apr. 2nd 2011 4:03pm


Again another night of sleeping 13 hours because I do not want to face my depression from the fact that I am and have been participating in desteni to get something that I wanted. I do not want to continue on with this so I am not. I am letting go of the depression and starting over new, being a part of the group acting for and as the group. I am not going to allow my wants of self-interest to be a barrier to myself standing for life. The point here is such bullshit, I was complaining and whining about not getting what I want and within that I was ready to give up on life. I mean damn that is crazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on doing what is best for life, for self-interests.

I felt overwhelmed with what I had to face and within this I became depressed because all of these points I was suppressing, and placing beliefs of myself progressing in the place of reality of the point that I was suppressing. This takes point wil have to be taken slowly. I am trying to move past it too fast. Ok breathe, take it slowly, remove yourself, and stop. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write with the curiostity and projection of people reading this. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write for myself.

I am aggravated and agitated right now. I do not feel comfortable, in the sense of being out of alignment from my environment. Having to re-do many actions and having to focus heavily on myself here so I do not make these mistakes and have to re-take them. I am looking at this process as massive as something that I cannot do…I cannot do It within one moment. I have to take chips out of the whole until it widdles down.

Breathing now, stopping my aggrivation, placing myself here, focusing.

Self-Interest and Participating within Desteni

Apr 1st 2011 4:45pm


I am at a crossroads right now of choosing to remove myself from desteni and participate in self-interests, or continue with desteni changing myself and my ways and my starting points within this process. This point is here now because I have not been wanting to write as much, as well I have not been vlogging as much in the past few days. There are resistances continuing with desteni, because of myself and my own will and application of myself. Resistances because I have been acting out of self-interest wanting to be seen as good or more than what I currently am. Resistances because I have not been getting what I wanted which was validation of my ego. Resistances to putting in the effort to change.

I am in the moment unsure of where I want to move myself. I do not want to go back to my life that I had previously and live out all of that, and I am resistant to showing myself to myself, resistant to being self-honest. I am honest when I am shown, when the words can be put down infront of me and then I can admit to it or not, but when I look I do not come up with words…I know what it is but I am not willing to be honest with myself about it. I am not stopping many of my thoughts and within this I have been allowing myself to create this stage of depression, through believing myself to not be able to change, and through backchatting I have been creating a lack of will to change myself.

I am laying down right now after sleeping for a few hours. I am not moving or willing to move pas this depression, well I wasn’t but I am deciding to write it out right now. I am depressed because I know that my entire participation within desteni has been a lie, so all of my `effort` does not exist, and within this I feel hopeless and purposeless and worthless. And within this the point occurs if I cannot get what I want what is the point in continuing?

So the choice still exists of whether or not to continue to participate with desteni. I do not enjoy myself right now, feel as though I have fucked up heavily to a point where no self exists. Yes to an extent I have fucked up, and yes I am not trustworthy at the moment, because I have been continuing to backchat and manipulate myself with emotions and feelings as well as sex. I have not applied myself within changing, I have applied myself within wanting to feel better about myself, and wantting to be seen as more, and wanting to be special. I have continued to try and feed my ego, searching for quick ways to apply myself to get a boost of ego to ride and then I would crash because I was not in control. So right in this moment I am starting the point of actually changing myself within participating in desteni, not looking for a quick way out.
I have written this many times before, where I know that I individually do not matter, because I alone will not change everything in the outer world, we all must stand to move this point of equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only concern myself with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto emotions and feelings to pity myself

I forgive myself that I haave accepted and allowed myself to value myself as an individual

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use depression to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move through the depression taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto depression to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debate with myself whether or not to continue with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move within self-interest and not what is best for the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought if I can't get what I want then what is the point in continuing in regards to desteni.
I do not accept myself to again use depression to manipulate myself into acting on self-interest.

I do not accept myself furthering my movement on self-interest.

Now after moving through this I have forgotten why I was holding onto my depression in the first place. I am ffine now and always was, I just had to realize it.

Correcting my actions is going to take time and effort. So I have to check each post I make to make sure that I am moving in what is best for the group.
Holding onto that depression and those feelings really fucked with me. I believed that I was hopeless, not realizing that I was separating myself from my own correction of myself.

Not being Here within Work

This morning I found it incredibly hard to get up. I pushed the snooze button and was grateful for its existence. I was at the point of sleeping in more and then sleeping too much and then being late for work, so the snooze button was an excellent use in that moment. I got up after the alarm went off again and got up slowly. I made breakfast and knew that this day was going to be a difficult day for me because I was allowing myself to feel tired because of the physical movements that I had to do when I did not want to do them. I walked to work and within that I escaped the majority of the walk. I took myself out of the physical moment reality, and placed myself in a desired situation which was thinking about sleep and food when I were to get home. I got to work and was not wanting to be there in that moment, I was placing an idea of myself of wanting to sleep and to not want to be wherever I was within and as me. At work I was working incredibly slowly, very sluggish. Not try to do my work at all, simply accessing the system and program I was running within me and allowed it to run me, as I placed myself in a place that was not real within ideas and beliefs and ideal situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to run a system and a program within me to not face myself in the moment here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself of the current moment.


I was allowing myself to participate in this feeling through the anticipation of the physical movements that I had to do within the day. I was placing myself within walking back to my house, and placing myself within walking to the library, and placing the idea of myself as being weak within and as that, so I became very depressed and unhappy to have to do all of that. I was not placing myself within the moment. I was very sluggish and not caring about my work, not giving myself the energy to move through work. I ended up sleeping for a short while when working, so that I could lol not be here. The lol is because when I opened my eyes I thought…”right I am still here”. I was dreaming and placing myself in a different reality, and when I awoke I was not thrilled in realizing reality. I realized that I was still at work and that I had to do work. So I got up and started to do my work. A bit more energized yet still not happy with the fact of being where I was and not being in a place of comfort and one where I can relax myself physically.

I noticed that I was doing this and texted my mom to see if she could pick me up…As well I have been desiring for the spring to arrive so that I can either bike or skateboard to work…biking is a lot quicker, and I would simply enjoy skateboarding to work as I get to do tricks along the way. She said that she could and within that one moment of knowing that I went out of my slump. I realized that I knew that I would be `supported` within not having to walk. I was happy that I was helped out so I did not have to walk home. And in that moment everything changed which is interesting. I did not have to rely on myself any longer…literally rely on myself to move myself. I could rely on another being. I simply wanted to lay back and allow the world to move around me when I was not being here. Unfortunately I was allowing myself to not be here and willingly accepting that fact, instead of questioning it and looking at it in common sense. This is a point of not wanting to support myself again. I could have taken the bus but I do not enjoy the money factor of taking the bus, it would cost be either $60 or $100 a month for bus fare…60 for a pass and 100 if I were to not have a pass and free if I walk. This greed has to go and I justify it with I can have an extra 60 to spend on food or save. Pubic transportation needs to be free! I can either complain or take responsibility for this point…somedays I am fine with walking and feel up to it other days I simply to not. So the common sense point would to be to take the bus on days that I do not feel up for walking.

Anyways the whole point within this is the fact that I did not place myself here and I allowed myself to fantasize about being elsewhere, and that there are options that are available yet I allow the Mind Consciousness System to influence me and my decision instead of looking at the fact within common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here thorugh thinking about somewhere I would `rather` be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here through placing myself as an idea of myself within a moment or situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of how I need/should be within a specific situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as that idea of needing to be/should be a certain specific expression within a specific situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within a system and/or program and run it within me so that I do not have to face this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse this world, this life, this existence through purposely not facing t.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself here.

Depression, judgment

I woke up this morning depressed. I got up and started to hate myself for allowing myself to become reliant on another being for support for happiness. I got up and checked out the sites and started to judge myself for allowing myself to feel depressed for not getting the happiness I desired/wanted. And I started to hate myself for this. The entire time I felt completely hopeless in as process. Like I have gotten nowhere. Like all my effort has led to nothing. That I am still everything that I was, I have only been ignoring it and blocking it within me. I am trying to find a quick-fix solution to all of these `problems` through my mind. I watched Bernards video response and the last one, I feared extensively, as well as this one. The same point opened up which was me judging myself and feeling worthless because I believe that I cannot change, believe that I haven’t changed. I have an urge to let go and give up entirely and just fuck off with myself. As though I am worthless. That I have nothing to give this world…I don’t I only have to give to myself. And the best present is presence. Simply. All of this worthlessness comes from projecting myself, an idea of myself, a belief of myself which is not real. Simply I have been trying to be something that I am not.


I ended up sleeping to not face this issue. It was unappealing. I slept through it, so now I will most likely time-loop and face this depression compounded at some point. So I did not take responsibility for this point by apply SF and Self-correction. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for happiness outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t blame others for my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless over myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am powerless over myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power to thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be with myself breath after breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in each moment calming myself down to look at the frustration clearly. Allowing myself to move through it and forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself, to take care of myself physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on another being to support my physically and mentally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing that point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to myself, thus relying on another being to support me to forgive myself and to let go of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to do process for myself and only for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself as life on my own means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `solve` myself through my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply place myself in the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the fact that I am constantly here.

I forive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within as believing that I am the thoughts I think, the emotions I feel, The feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the thoughts I think, The emotion I feel, the Feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to sound `profound`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself entirely.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to accept my enslavement as `just the way it is`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement.

Emotional Turmoil

Ha, first thing felt was utter lonesomeness. So I was reading Lindsays blog post about why her and Joe broke up, and I was placing myself in a broken up position while reading that, the position of when My ex(Sarah) broke up with me. Absolutely, there was definitely Turmoil there and understand the affects of it after watching the Emotion Turmoil video. I was dependant on her to live for me. I was living vicariously through her. I gave no opinion in anything, It never `mattered` to me. Meaning I always followed. Through-out the relationship I see myself as a `cling=on` I would not let go. I believed that I needed her there to have some type of value in my life, and as I have written before I valued having a girlfriend. So holding onto her was a priority of mine…it is hard to find a starting point and move from there so this is going to be jumpy. I introduced her to desteni, and felt within myself judgement and embarrassment for the belief of it being `esoteric` and `odd` that was a belief I had then, and do not care what people think about it, I do not have thoughts about it, it is. So I was very uncomfortable sharing that with her, I was again dependant on her and she obviously held shit back about her thoughts on desteni, so when I brought it up the first few times I was attacked, and like in many other instances I set life aside for bullshit. I stopped talking about desteni for quite some time, My priority was keeping her around. I valued her life over mine. But not really, I valued her personality over mine, and was relying on her to support me as a personality through making decisions, and me following thus becoming her in a way. I gave up desteni for sometime, not entirely gave up, but really slowed down my participation and heavily involved myself in this relationship. Everytime I needed a refresher I would look up what was new for the material, although my participation could have been MUCH more. My writing started to become a point of blame and judgment, and not self-reflection, my writings were consisting of her that and her this. Looking at the Backchatting I was constantly thinking about breaking up with her, and moved on that point a few times, but I never followed through, this was a point of manipulation of me a form of scare tactics, to keep her around. The first time this happened I was feeling inferior and depressed and said that this was not going to work out, she broke into tears and within this saw how much I was wanted, and saw that through this I could keep her around, and that is what it somewhat became….a game of breaking up, as we `broke` up a few times. And truly I did want to break up, that was who I was in Honesty, I did not want to keep her around, I would have liked to move independent from her and focus on what I wanted to do, as I knew that I was giving up desteni for her and was giving up a lot of my `free` time to be with her. But I created that dependency, Value, and Reliance on that relationship, so I could not let it go. It felt liberating when I let it go the few times that I did, I `no longer` needed to worry about what she was feeling, I no longer cared about her thoughts/opinions on things. I am getting off of track here. So within backchatting I had hidden all of these thoughts, and within writing as well, I never allowed her to see my writings as they were full of blame. So I was constantly hiding myself and trying to deceive her to see a different person….that is why She broke up with me…I was not willing to let go, and she saw the truth. When breaking up I felt the energy absolutely dissipate, noticed this and said is there anything your holding back, she said no, and I said  when she is ready to tell me. So after an hour or so, she said that she wanted to break up that she no longer saw anything in me. Within this I was paralyzed, completely immovable, not out of fear, but realizing what is going on…ok yes out of fear, of realizing that I am now going to be alone and have no one to guide my within life. What is interesting is that I am sure this revolved around money. So I was not sure what to do…I was trying to stand on my own two feet again…this was a great lesson for me in who I have become. I had to go through this point to learn. So in the video Emotional Turmoil and Radical Relationships, Bernard explains that one will rush heavily into religion and/or spirituality, and at that point it was desteni for me, it was still something that it really isn’t for me. I felt lost and was trying to find out myself again, trying to restart everything…I was restarting everything as In that moment I was completely dependant and reliant on Sarah to live for me, to get me to live, she was my motivation to get up, although within using the word love I was deceiving her as within backchatting I was disgusted with her because I was disgusted with myself for giving up on myself and valuing her more. So she became my value to stay alive, to get up and to exist, so when we broke up I did not know where to go or what to do. I rushed back to desteni and participated fully, when I look at this now as I did when watching the video (Emotion Turmoil) there definitely is a point that I must physically move through and that would be a relationship that again I must remove because it is unsupportive within the terms of LIFE. I see that I must stand for myself when another point like that exposes itself within me, where I start to give myself up because of ideas and beliefs surrounding myself….I have started this process by removing ideas that I have of myself and bringing myself back to the physical living as my life, I still hold onto ideas around certain people that I have become comfortable being `this` around them, and have recently been removing that as past desires and inhibitions were flag points that I noticed…that around thepeople I felt comfortable with I wanted to smoke, and alone I noticed that I have stopped.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reliant and dependant on others. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to depend and rely on myself, trusting myself to hold myself up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female expression to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value others personalities over my own life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value personality over life.  I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life. Again a bit off track, So I heavily invested myself into desteni again, knowing that there is where I needed to be to get back to life andplace myself in the `right` direction. I started writing on the forum and watching videos everyday again, There is regret towards giving myself up for a relationship, giving myself up meaning stopping participating in what I wanted to do for another, because I see that if I were to continue the way that I was when I first found desteni then I could have understood a lot more much quicker….so that is a desire to not have my history existent, to change my history…I have looked at this point yesterday and it is what it is, there Is no changing it, I am here and on the path, and being `farther ahead` in process is a lie and a deceit , I have to live with what is here and move myself with what is here and if it is unsuitable for the conditions of life then I take the time to remove it.

Lost of writing with no direction....

Sleeping and feeling like I am ineffective in relation to being uncomfortable with my posts.


This point was brought up when watching Sunettes video on depression, the point that I woke up with today was feeing that I have been ineffective, and that my life was worthless and that I have done nothing….Ths was a lie and in watching sunnette’s video I see that I was expereinceng a past experience of myself as a belief of myself as being effective. This point came up out of fearing my posts, and believing that I am not `good` enough, not knowledgeable enough to effectively support another individual and was fearing that I was going to end up fucking with someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and fear that I am not enough to help someone else. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I first must be enough to support someone, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being who is delusional. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe thatI am intelligent or smart enough to help someone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own actions within/as reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself with the worry of whether or not I am actually effective in helping someone thus separating myself from my own actions and allowing a system or program to guide me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my own words to help and support another individual being. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become and realize that I am equal to all other beings, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation to exist within the words of stupid, intelligent, ignorant, aware. So that is what I woke up with today is this heavy depression of a belief and experience of that belief of myself being ineffective and worthless in regards to helping another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow depression to take me over, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own power over to depression and allow it to control me. I pushed through this to write it out and now I am depressed that I cannot get rid of these superior thoughts. And starting to become frustrated with the thoughts as I do not like it yet I believe it. I am existing as both ego here when believing that I am superior and not liking the fact that I am thinking I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike the fact that I am thinking that I am superior thus separating myself from the fact that I am accepting the thought. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more than others through/as intelligence and application of myself. I am not taking this point directly on I am not existing as it standing equal to it, I am projecting myself onto it as a belief that I can control it and remove yet I still give myself up to the thought andnot stop within the moment. I am that depression right now, I am not breathing I have just been sitting here trying to think this over and try to think my way out of this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking is the solituon. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and solve my depression by thinking. Why I started to feel this way is, that I am watching the Radical Relationships and the God System and I realize that I have been only following and not creating my own reality, only following stopping sugar because it has been said, only stopping cigarettes because it has been said, and I become depressed with that fact and the realization that Imust completely start over. And re-start my entire process with myself as the starting point….I became depressed because I saw it as a large task to complete and believe that I will not be what I want to be which is done or superior or transcended, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be me. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to exist as/for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am an abuser with believing that I have free will. I believe that have free will right now and can do whatever I want, and what I want is to believe that I am more than another….Iwas watching 2 movies in the past 2 days (28 days later, and 28 weeks later) during the movie I was thinking about what I would do if I were in that position…free will no consequences…no foreseeable consequences, I would participate in my free will and believe that I can do what ever I want, and this is coming through now…In one of Katie’s videos where she reviews the Black Swam movie she describes that she becomes the energetic experience that she felt throughout the movie, and then ended up living it out, with the thoughts of If I starve myself I can become skinny…I can look like that…and this I experienced as well, where I gave way to my `darkside` where I thought abusive thoughts, and within this movie I am living out my free will, where I think whatever I want which is revolving around that I am better than any/every one. Movies fuck with one a great deal…but the movie is assisting withbringing out what is within oneself anyways, so it obviously is not the movie, it is me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to believe that I am more than any other being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of superiority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I am more than another. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a mind reality when thinking/believing myself to be superior. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myselfin the physical reality when thinking/believing that I am superior.