Responbile for all that exists

My perception of self-responsibility was that of only being responsible for my actions, but it is not. It is not only what I accept and allow within and as my actions, but it is a realization that coming to Earth I have accepted and allowed everything that is here. I accepted and allowed aging to exist, I accepted and allowed death to exist, I accepted and allowed the polarity of life and death to exist. I accepted and allowed the systematic construction of nature. I accepted and allowed

Through coming to this Earth I have inherently accepted everything that is here. I accepted the design of the trees, I accepted that the human must eat to survive, I accepted the electronics industry, I accepted that children will be bombed, I accepted that war is within the Human Nature I accepted the human nature in its entirety.

I have thought that I was susceptible to the physical, that it creates itself. That I am here and subject to the physical and its whims. I did not realize that I accepted and allowed and am thus responsible for all that is here within/as the physical. I got this belief from our accepted and allowed beliefs of what being a human is, thus our beliefs of what a human is is not in fact truth.

The point of taking responsibility for all things here is a massive point to deal with. Because I must then ask the question, is what is here best for all, is aging best for all, is the purpose of eating best for all, is the design of legs best for all, is the design of trees best for all, are animals best for all, is the design of the soil best for all. Looking at these points and realizing that I accepted it as what it is means that I am equally responsible through acceptance for what is here. Thus I am responsible for what is here. All beings on this Earth are responsible for this Earth through being here on this Earth, and the point that I did not look at before was the point of EVERYTHING. Eating, shitting, breathing, the eyes, the animals, the way animals live, the way humans live, capitalism, products, the polarity here, the timeloops and cycles here ,the weather, the nature, the ships, the cargo, the past, the present, everything that is here I am responsible through accepting MYSELF as here.

I believed that the physical, the design of the physical was set in stone, I thought that the physical would never be able to change its  ways, thus me as the physical, I believe that I am never to change my ways, I believed that who I am has been set in stone when in fact change is possible. Change is absolutely achievable, and if I am able to change who I am then the physical, nature, animals are able to change who they are. I am still limited by my participation within the mind, thus I am only able to change who I am within the mind…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am limited to the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the physical is not able to change, that the nature of the physical is not able to change and within that accept the belief that human nature is not able to change when in fact it is clear that it is able to change through the examples of Bernard Poolman, of Sunette Spies, of all that have changed their ways, of all that has shown change is absolutely possible. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am subject ot the physical, that  am here as a human only as a cell within the whole, subject to the workings of the whole, not able to change the whole.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that we must stand as the whole to make a substantial effort in changing the physical, that we as all as the whole must stand as one dedicating the same amount of effort to change this reality, as we have all dedicated the same amount of effort to accept reality as it is.

Through the belief that I am subject ot the physical I have abdicated self-responsibility for myself here within the physical. I believed that I am subject to the whole, not realizing that I am equally creating the whole as myself, and if I make a change within myself I can influence and infect the whole, so if I make a change for what is best for all I infect, influence the whole within what is best for all, then the whole is thus able to decide and realize what it is doing in fact as well, and decide to make that change for what is best for the whole/ALL as well.

I realize that as a cell within the whole I am only able to change myself but through changing myself I am able to infect, influence all others within the whole to get them to  change as well, thus not accepting what is here any longer and abdicate self-responsibility for being the creators of EVERYTHING that is here .

I am not subject to the physical, I am here as the physical able to change myself, first I must move through who I am within the mind to change myself as who I am as the physical.

I am a cell within the whole of the physical, I am able to change myself and influence others and stand with/as others to move the whole to change this reality into what is best for all.

Resonant Symbols and Ideas of Self-Creation

Mar 21st 2010 8:49pm


Procrastination has lead me to this point, where everything comes together in one large moment and I rush to get through Everything. Right Now I am taking on the points of No Videos games, No Tv for Entertainment, No skateboarding videos, no looking a myself within a reflection, Stopping looking at numbers for meaning. I am physically Getting my passport Re-newed I am switching Locations of Work so that I may make more Money I am not wanting to write. I am looking to indulge. Looking to Eat peanut Butter and Jam, Looking to smoke All of this imagery which is not Real. All of these Resonant Symbols.

I was debating whether or not to buy a Pack of cigarettes and I looked at the consequence of doing this which would lead me back into smoking again, And I chose to say No to buying a Pack because simply I do not want to keep on smoking as It limits me.

I am at the point where I create `psychosis` I am right now not doing anything and I started to listen to music and A feeling came rushing within me of the music being `beautiful` . I remember allowing myself to go into this feeling and create many manifestations within myself- creates many ideas about what was going on and I followed the most `beautiful` Idea which was that I was special/significant/important to some degree and in some way.

I allowed myself to continue those Beliefs - I remember that I sat for hours listening to one song looking for the maning in it – Never finding that meaning. I was blinded by the search and belief that there was meaning. Never Questioning it and when I did I simply allowed it to continue on because I enjoyed the game. (Side note the meaning has become physically manifested – Typos = Maning as I left it above and When I typed anything I typed Anuthing and looked for meaning within that) And them I became addicted to that game and Search and creation within those ideas and beliefs in which I then created myself as. Like Inception where they go deep into the `subconscious` and created their entire world and he created an idea there and then it affected her in reality. And In reality if you do that not only the idea would show on the surface but everything else created.

Simply All of those beliefs and ideas I created there was for a good feeling, was for a belief of myself being special etc, and simply those beliefs and ideas of myself are not real, real is here, and the consequence now is that I must remove all of those beliefs that I have created myself as.

Make! Believe

Mar 19th 2011 1:20pm


After work I notice that I am quite exhausted. I struggle to participate here. I lose myself within my mind and this is the consequence of allowing myself to move into psychosis which again will take time and effort to correct. So within psychosis I would take words and sounds and make a definition that I wanted to hear or that was already programmed within me. I would take words within music and direct them towards me and use my own words and definitions to create a belief of what it meant to me regarding my life. I went heavy into this creating beliefs that I am god, antichrist, jesus, the devil, much polarized beliefs and I played with myself heavily within that sending myself through massive highs and lows. Anyhow the point is that I made myself hear what I wanted to here, and this is what I do at work. I place myself in a desired position instead of here, I am placing myself in la la land, not focusing on myself here, and thus it takes a lot of thought and energy to create such beliefs and ideas, so after work I become quite exhausted. After I get off work and sit down I do not know where the fuck I am. I sit down and say…shit I am here! I do not realize where I am when working, I really take myself away from here, this is a massive issue for my health. I have allowed myself to move into this through psychosis and this is the consequence of it…not being able to place myself here, I can rarely hear tv analysts, and only when my mind is `calm` can I actually participate in reading, when it is not I again place myself in a projection and/or idea. So now that I can see this clearly I am going to investigate it. And create a plan to stop this because this is seriously limiting me from being here, from realizing myself HERE. I see reading as a starting point for pushing myself through this. I am going to start to read much more, as I watch most vlogs and do not read much blogs, so I am going to start to read more blogs from other desteni members, read the news, read more material…and understand it. I am going to stop listening to music when I can, stop using music as a distraction point I will say, as well I am going to stop tv for 21 days to get myself out of IMAGEination.

Feeling more Than I am and forgiveness

Mar 15th 2011 5:06am


I have been backchatting more fererishly this morning. I am excited to be involved in desteni private forum and I am starting to believe myself to be more than I am. I do not accept this to continue. I am the same here as I always have been, I am here within breath. I am not more than myself I am not less. I am here. I am not more than another being. I do not accept myself continuing in this thought pattern I stop I breathe I am here. This came from excitement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excitement to gain a positive egotistical energy

I stop I breathe

I am the same here as I have always been

I am not more or less I am the same here and always will be.

I am comparing myself to other desteni members. Placing myself as more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other desteni members

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I am not process

Others are not process

I am not more within process

I am the same here

there is no point that is more or less than another point

We are all equal here within breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare process

Process is not comparable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare value of life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value all life equally

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all life is equal as breath

There is no comparable value between life we are all equal here within breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that I am `excelling` at process

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that process is not definable as self, and that process has no comparable value between people

Process is the same for all and It is each

I am not allowing myself to continue this and am taking responsibility for myself.

Fears are the Possibilites of this Reality

Mar 10th 2011 4:36am


I am watching Joanna’s video on her hunger and the physicality and the equality of the physical. She was talking about how some will fear not having food. Now I saw within this that fear shows what is possible in this world. We must ask then why are we fearing this and why is this an accepted existence. Meaning we fear not having food, we fear not having sustenance, so we must ask then why is it possible to not have food, why is this an accepted `way of life` . Why is it possible to go without food, why is it possible to not have sustenance? As well as how. So this fear of not having food shows the reality of the world. It shows that it is possible to not have food, it shows that it is possible to go insane, it shows that in this world it is possible to not have shelter. So why are these fears accepted within reality as us. Why are we existing as these fears, why are we allowing these fears to exists both internally and externally. It is not so much a question of why but how. How is because of money, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become reliant on the amount of money we have, and that amount determines or quality of life, which is completely fucking stupid as one look at the economic system. We are all subject to this crap and limitation. I was walking through a university, and I realized that there are a lot of people in that university…how many jobs could there actually be out there that support each ones `field`. I then questioned how many people will get a job and how many people are `wasting` their money setting themselves up for disappointment. So just because one has an education does not mean that a job is readily available to oneself, we are still limited by the limitation within this world…and we accept it. We accept starvation and poverty through this system…and it is murder because it is ACCEPTED it is a CREATED reality, not a fact of life as many believe, we ACCEPT starvation through our own accepted limitation of this system, through dependency on a job to get money. If 1500 people have a University degree and there are only 1000 jobs, which is the limitation, then 500 people are left without a job, left without an income, and left to `fight for their own survival`. This world is truly merciless. And we accept that fact of limitation as a reality, we accept it as `part of life`, and that is another thing to…we believe that life is and always will be this way…HA! Many do not believe in god, but through that accepted belief it is absolutely equal to the belief of a god. Anyways life is not a set pattern, it is completely changing, and through this and through realizing that we humans have control of the planet, control of existene right now, we can create a world where we are not dependant on jobs to create an income, we aare not dependant on a limitation within the system to support ourselves as life in this physical existence…An Equal Money System solves the limitation of jobs and an income, where one is no longer dependant on a job to provide income, no longer dependant on an outside resource to provide a physical existence for oneself.

The realization that this system cannot support itself is right infront of your eyes but we are blinded by our wants and self-interests to see, so suffering will either come to you or you will realize that we are responsible for our own suffering.

Stand for all life Equally and support an Equal Money System.

Judging myself on Grammar, and Popularity

Judging myself with Grammar.


So this revolves around and within Intelligence and Sophistication Believing it to be valuable. I believe that intelligence and sophistication has power within/as it, so I have started to define myself as this to try and make myself believe that I have some type of power over others. This is within Ego. So from when I remember I was not that popular…desiring popularity I started to make myself look for another type of power….one that opposites popularity. That I saw was intelligence, Sophistication. Someone who does not have a lot of friends is always intelligent or sophisticated…and all that high-class shit. So I have tried to uphold the image of myself being intelligent or sophisticated by Judging myself for speaking ill, not speaking according to the definition that I hold within/as sophistication/intelligence. This is all for a form of control of myself so that I can hold myself to only being this definition for power, I control myself by judging myself so that I become that which I judge, so for example if I use a word that does not match my definition of intelligence/sophistication, I judge myself for it making myself feel bad for using it, and not wanting to `feel bad` I then try and not use it again thus controlling myself to become that definition of intelligence/sophistication. Again I want to be perceived as intelligent/sophisticated so that I can not feel inferior to people to have friends, to people who are popular, so that I can use my `knowledge/intelligence` to prove to them that I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to people who are popular, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for/as/by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be popular, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be significant.

So I have tried to gain the perception of being intelligent/sophisticated to gain power over people who are popular as I saw them as stupid, as being dumb, as purposely talking about Tv, Women, And other things as such, So I surrounded myself with investigating things, looking into the world, and this started off with conspiracy theories, and thus within that I tried to hold my belief of being superior through/as knowledge to those who were popular, believing that I am significant for knowing this and that they are less than for not. As well I held this for emergency situations lol of feeling inferior where I could go into my data bank of knowledge and `say` something, more like repeat something to make me sound intelligent in which I hope the other would feel the same and thus I would not feel inferior to another person, so I have felt inferior to people who I have seen as more intelligent than me, trying to find more information and knowledge so that I could spit more meaningless shit to uphold the image of me being superior through the belief of me being intelligent/sophisticated. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to speak from myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use myself to speak. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as valuable within/as words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take credit for other words spoken, then repeating them as my own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others ideas as my own and trying to make myself sound intelligent/sophisticated .

Judging myself for not being popular.

I have judged myself for not being popular/ not having friends. I have seen friends as support and that one is accepted through/by having friends. I have judged and valued myself as less than people who have friends as I have seen friends as valuable. That I am valued by having friends…as having more friends is like having more `support` for self, Thus being valuable..having others support you because of the belief of Value….That is why we have politicians and leaders, because we value them and support them. So I have judged myself as being inferior/not valuable because I was never `able` to accumulate friends. But knowing the friend structure, it is just a game of pointless talk, there is no support there for life, No one talks about life the whole friendship construct is blinding for me…I do not think about life I do not exist as life, I am a personality, trying to be personable trying to be accepted when I am `friendly`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value popularity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friends. I forgive myself that I have nto accepted and allowed myself to see friends as people. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from people within using the definition of friends. Again…a bit of procrastination so I have lost my place.

I have judged myself for not being popular. I have believed myself to be less than people who have friends. I have seen them as more important as theygot more attention than me, so being popular is about wanting attention. I have desired attention to feed my ego. Again this process always ends up about humbleness, to not care about whether you get attention or not getting attention that you remain stable as yourself within any situation, that is really cool. Again I have written about this point within desiring support around friends….that wanting to be around friends is a point of support for me which is only a point of support for my ego, only a point of support of believing who I am. Judgment only comes from ego, to remove ego I remove all judgment all belief of what is valuable, all belief of who I am, and I just become. So popularity is just what it is, no value, humbleness exists within me, I take a hold of that humbleness and stop all of this desire of attention of ego, of supporting my ego, I support myself with breath and not energy that I create through believing myself to be who I am through validation by/other peoples reactions to my words, actions, thoughts, ideas, anything that comes from me I stop validating through other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to valuedate myself through/as others reactions towards me. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by/how other people react to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation for a belief of who I am. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be humble as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am something. I am not a belief. I only am.

BackChatting

After watching that video I had a large reaction to this within/as fear. I knew to a point that backchatting had consequences but now I understand a bit more, with the words knives, swords, stones, sticks, at how affective that it can be. I have backchatted immensely through out my life, and now fear fucking with myself. Recently I have backchatted quite a bit in regards to meeting Sally, I was not honest with myself within my starting point, the starting point was seeing it as a friend, date, etc, not person to person meeting and sharing and exploring eachothers process within desteni. That is what I put it off as, yet had ulterior motives, motive that lay under the surface…I am judging myself immensely for this point, because of the abuse that I have done. What happened within the backchatting is….ok so some of it was not backchatting, it was not `negative` or to attack…although I felt some at points of spite. Ok so most thoughts were not backchatting in the relation to judgement or negativity or attack. Some were though…What happened was that I would believe that anyone ends up judging me for the way that I am acting…but it is only my judgment of myself for not being self-directive and creating an ulterior motive, and then I think a knife, and throw it at them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to through knives/thoughts, at others for my own self-judgment, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack others through/as my own inferiority, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself ot remove myself from the situated, tied down construct of inferiority. This is what I amwithin this, tied down to my own position of inferiority trying to attack others and blame others for tying myself down. I see them as more than me and try to `cut` them down to where I reside, I forgive myself for accepting and allowin myself to resent myself as where I have placed myself. Ok so yes it id definitely out of inferiority, what just happened is that my friends whom I skateboard with are goig to a skatepark and my one friend is going and I am not, believing that I need to be invited to go, and within that I thought about typing that they are dicks, because I feel less than them as I believe that I should be invited but it is only up to me to decide whether or not to go, it is up to me to direct the situation not others to push me, as I would have said that I would not want to go as I see this as much more important. So yes it stems from me believing myself to be inferior to others, but I limit MYSELF, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my own inferiority. There are many inferiority points within me…it is a made belief that I think that they are superior to me..so it is a blatent belief of superior judgement. As well it is comparison….1 they are better than me = cooler, more intelligent, insightful, progressive, attractive, and 2 I see myself as less than and try to cut them down to my size by throwing energetical thoughts with intent to hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intend to hurt another with my thoughts! I really do not want to hurt someone, have been playing with it and it is possible to stoponly when I realize that I hurt someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts have no consequences, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can hurt someone, with my energetic possessions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others with my thoughts.


BackChatting comes from my inferiority construct, when I feel inferior or intruded upon, what happened just now is that my roommate walked in on me while I was making a sandwich…I was judging myself for making that sandwich because I just ate, and ate more..so I wanted to be left alone and not exposed, and then he came in and I wanted him out so I backchatted in my head towards him, attacking the weakest point that I see. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own judgments of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my own judgments on other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing my own judgments. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack other people if I think they will know what I am judging myself for. What I noticed is that I do not care, was not aware that I was hurting another being…I did not see consequences…I cannot see my thoughts , so I have assumed that there are no consequences but I can feel them. What I noticed is that I WAS hurting people and myself, and I came to this realization and I do not want to hurt others or myself, So I tested it out a few times and I noticed that it has become habit for me to defend myself, to attack another being, but It is my own problem…it is my inferiority that I am trying to defend yet I am actually protecting it, within attacking another with thought, I end up keeping myself in the inferiority position. As well I judge them within thinking or believing something that is a lie, like for instance religion, I have started to judge others for believing in religion, and within my mind call them ridiculous or crazy or pathetic, etc. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-righteous through believing my knowledge to be absolutely true, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my knowledge over people as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value knowledge over life. Life is a lot more valuable than something that is questionable in every moment. Life feels pain, knowledge is bullshit, I know nothing, I do not KNOW whether or not god exists, All I know is that religion has brought us all into deceit, into deceiving others and trying to make money, that Is what religion is, another money based system, so it is not their faults for believing in it, they as me have wanted to find absolution outside of myself/ourselves. So again that point is not worth it, not worth hurting life, for my righteousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right, through/by applying self-righteousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I know everything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am always right. As I was testing out this BackChatter I have a tightness In my throat – for the words that I think. They have a resonance and a consequence. I do this just to judge people like I am some all mighty motherfucker, who can decide to judge. Whomever I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to judge whomever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another because I feel inferior to them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior. Inferiority is bullshit, it does not exist as many of the things that I feel inferior for do not exist in reality, it is all valued thoughts that I have allowed myself to give value to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to thoughts or ideas. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value grammar, words, clothing, appearance, money, possessions, neatness, intelligence, sophistication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to have an idea of what is valuable within appearance, grammar, accents, clothing, hygiene, intelligence, sophistication, money, possessions, neatness, fatness, sexuality, coolness. What I realized as well is that I fear them judging me as I have judged myself yet I do not care if they judge me, when I do not care to attack them, I do not judge myself, and I realized that within me not fearing being judged I do not attack them and that I am willing to `love` them anyhow, I do not fear them, so I can still support them no matter how much they will judge as Ido not judge myself, It all comes from judging myself first and foremost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within morality. I judge on stupidity…judging myself for being stupid, judging myself for not knowing, for fearing for not being smart enough. Anything that this world has systematically disapproved of I have feared and judged myself for being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become of this world. I do not accept myself as this world any longer. Breathing is who I am. I am breath. I am not a personality designed so that I can get what I have seen as a positive polarity.

Being alone and Work

When I am alone, I start to think rapidly, I start to project myself into conversations with people, I start to involve myself within ego and think according to ego. This all exists within work…I can still exist the same way when I am alone and not working. I start to become very aggravated with myself…I try and stop and fail ove rand over again, and within the there obviously is friction and then I create a negative energy…cool did not see that before. When I am alone..from looking at the past, I start to think immediately out of fear. I fear being alone, and fear my application of myself when I am alone I fear not being good enough to support me. I fear a lot when I am alone and try to escape that fear by becoming tense and thinking a lot to take myself away from being here. So today while working I was looking at this, and when someone would ask me a question or I would converse with someone then I would HOLD on to that conversation and place it as a memory and replay it because it was holding onto that person within that I was holding onto that moment of not being alone. I noticed that when I knew that someone would be around me for a while in which I could express myself the way I think I am…For instance when a outside worker for Nestle came and helped out for a bit I started to talk to her as a being not a worker and allowed myself to not fear being seen as a bad worker but as a human. And within this I thought that I was expressing myself the way I am..and within this I became relaxed and stopped fighting with myself and stopped thinking. I stopped thinking rapidly within that moment of knowing that I have company as many of my thoughts were conversations or projectional. I noticed that it was because I believed that I now how company to exist with me and support me. After she left I went back into my mind and warred with myself again…This point is from support. My forgiveness was on the point that t revolves around…me supporting me and fearing supporting me, as I have had others to support me for my life until just recently. So what happens is that when I am alone I become very tense and constricted and I am trying to in every moment control myself in what I believe I have to do or what is best for me. I am contantly thinking about having to do, and I must do, and trying to figure out how the future is going to happen so that I can be prepared and then not have to worry about it = bullshit. I noticed that when Ithought about knowing that I am going to be around my mother/sister/father/friend in a future point, I become relaxed in that I can wait for them to support myself and them to support me. I literally wait. I have not ate before because I was going to get supported by food from another in a future point. This is why I am angry within work, because I am not trusting myself to support myself through/as work. I fear not being good enough to keep the job thus not being able to support myself…What a parent would go through with these same thoughts would be horrendous. I fear not being `capable` of supporting myself. I fear myself allowing myself to allow myself to die….Like I fear not being able to support myself monetarily and eating right and living so I constantly project myself to escape the fact that I have to support myself, that I must take responsibility for myself in every moment. I become very tense when I am alone. I was unaware of this tenseness before and therefore I was unaware of the fear…this is cool to see. The physical directly relates to the mental. I purposely made myself believe that I was going to meet my dad later in the day today, and I completely relaxed within that moment, relaxed with the sense of I no longer need to support myself in every moment, that I have him to support me, and that I can let go of all these worries and fears that I hold onto. It obviously is a fear of not being able to support myself, and a reliance on others to support me and the fact that I trust them to support me in what is best for me, and that I do not trust myself to support myself in what is best for me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to support my life, my existence. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the fact that I have demonstrated that I can support my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a programmed belief that I cannot support myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others, mainly family and friends, to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on supporting myself as life, through allowing others to support me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others will stop me if I am going to fall. I feel that I need to be prepared and plan out for the future so that I do not `lose` myself, lose my personality. Within that I believe that I need to prepare myself in who I believe myself to be so that I can keep who I believe myself to be within as personality as I am projecting from the past as who I am….Thank you Sally. When I project it is out of a fear of not being able to keep myself the way that I am used to…that I must `improvise` within the moment of not being prepared, that I cannot rely on my knowledge of myself to support me within knowing how I will be within that moment so that I can be prepared within KNOWING how I will be, thus not allowing myself to be myself as life within the moment. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the idea/knowledge of who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the knowledge of who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am knowledge. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as knowledge.

Desire, A general overview

I am continuing with my one a day point, and right now it is desires, I am doing a general overview of desire in the whole, The next few days I am going to take on each point individually, as there are a few sub-points within the point desiring.

As I have started to write this out I find that I desire an experience that I have had previously to using a substance/action. For instance sex, within sex I have an energetic experience of complete relief, so it is not sex that I am desiring/addicted to, it is the experience of it. When I think about a desire I think about the specific experience I had in relation the the desire. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to addict myself to a specific experience realted to a action/substance. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in desiring a specific expereince that I had in the past.

The expreiences that I desire are all related to an energetic feeling. Looking at all the points it is a feeling of relief, smoking, escaping, sex, sugar, it is all a relief from something. I desire the feeling of relief. Within relief I stop worrying about everything, I stop stressing about everything. That is interesting that a common point within this is relief of myself, and my participation in the mind.

Within desires I think about and action or substance that I have programmed within myself or have been pre-programmed and I then think about the experience realted to that action/substance and desire to have it in the current moment. Within this I project myself into the expereince and start to crave having it now.

At times I have stopped this, but I continue to participate in the thought and resist the fact that I am participating in it. I resist the fact by saying "no" and disregarding it out of fear of being controlled, I then allow it to come again and resist again and this sends me into desiring whatever I am wanting, for example resisting cigarettes and the feeling it gives me only perpetuates the desire for having a cigarette as the experience of having a cigarette, would alleviate to experience I am having which is fighting with myself through/as resisting myself. So within that it only makes the situation worse for myself, and then I eventually give in through the accumulation effect of my participation.

Within desires I think about the `enjoyment` that I experienced within a memory and then I want to enjoy that experience more and more and more and more = the way this system is = more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want more of an experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in excessivenss. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in necessity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas about experiences.

Within desires, I participate in an idea about what I want, and Idea of a desire. For an example, desiring a stable relationship I participate in the idea I have about one, and then desire that Idea, try and manifest that idea.

So within desires I crave a expereince of an idea of an experience that I have separated myself from as me, and then try and attain that experience through re-creating the same situation and I had within the past when I had that specific experience, I also participate in ideas about an experience relating to a specific action/enviroment/substance, All desires are related to a specific experience I had within a past experience, and a desire to attain that expereince agian in the moment,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to recreate a specific expereince that I had in a past memory/experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to re-create that experience by participating in desires, I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in each moment new. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project past experiences into the current moment.

Stress and Work

Stress within work


Watching sunettes video about stress a thought came up of “How can I do this during work”. This thought came up because Both of my jobs are time constrained and I must really rush myself in each moment to get things done…well that is how I have approached the problem. That is how I have become a solution. Each time I have worked before I created stress is that I would take it easy on myself and try and enjoy the time I have within breathing and moving and thinking within my comfort zone unfortunately. I would take my time and relax and enjoy but then I got written up for poor performance and I started to fear for my job fear for money so I started to rush myself to try and get the things that they ask me to get done. Both jobs this has happened where Time is being pushed and I am fearing for my survival more and more which is bullshit because death is much more pleasant then stress. So what has happened is that I have to rush now to try and get as much done as possible within the one job so that we make the `time` allotted to us. But what is extremely fucked up is that the store opens now a half hour earlier and it is Christmas time so we are getting more stock…we open boxes of clothes in the morning that are transported to the store, and are expected to get them all open and sorted in the time allotted, but they have given us more product to open and less time to open is and are still expecting us to get t done properly. And right now my survival is dependant on these jobs so I am obviously living this bullshit out that I have created. I have been wanting to experience what people have to go through so that I can and ezperience what they do. So I have now experienced the fear of surviving and what we do to push ourselves to force ourselves to make money to survive, Which is fucking crazy. So there is a lot of stress and I was thinking about how to apply myself within this and that is I must not care for 1 and just breathe and move for 2. I cannot judge myself based on how much I get done…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the belief of how well I work. I must realize and I will start to spply realizing myself within breath while working and write down any and all reactions to my job…believing that I can’t do it etc. Right now Even before I have tried I believe that I cannot do it because eof the personality that I move into and as as I participate in work. The grocery store job I must be absolutely effective in Directing myself in every moment to become effective in that job…that is how I can overcome and remove stress in that job. That will be interesting and I think I cannot have music with me to achieve that. Because my mind goes straight to the words within the song and I focus on that and not where I must direct myself in each moment. So that is how to do it I will apply myself tomorrow and remember to apply breath I each moment. I will start applying it within the walk to work and not stress about anything simply be here in the moment and direct myself accordingly. Ok so one thing that I have noticed that I have blamed it on is I inhale all this dirt and dust from the boxes and after a while my stomach hurts, but that could definitely be from the thoughts and the feelings f stress I put on myself because I have asked another and he said that he does not feel this. So it is me not the boxes. Anyhow after this feeling comes on I do not move myself as fast…I completely and utterly want to let go, want to stop working then and there. I feel physically ill and I do not want to continue with working with the feeling. So I will see what I am thinking whenI am working and write it down.

Inception

I watched the movie Inception and I found it to be completely interesting. I enjoyed it. So the movie is based on this group of people that attach themselves into peoples dreams so that they can access their subconscious to gain secrets...Information. What happens is that a energy company is at war with another company and want to gain absolute power and not let the other have absolute power, so they hire this group of people to place an idea into the rival energy companies heir's head that he wants to destroy the company. This is what they call inception, placing an idea into ones head.

What is interesting about this movie is that they explore the mind entirely, the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, and a level they call limbo. When placed inside a dream they can access the beings subconscious in the entire world around them, through talking to the people because they are all projections.

They go around finding people in real life to act as their `professions` within a dream state, so for example they try and find an architect to place themself within the dream to create the dream world. They find a fraud, someone who replicates casino chips to make money, to recreate and act as someone who the dreamer knows. The fraud would look like and talk like the person that the dreamer knows, so that they could manipulate the dreamer into more information. This entire movie revolves around deception. They all try and deceive the dreamer to gain information.

After this movie I had more of an understanding of the mind which was interesting! I was watching Maya's video response to voice tonality and I could see and understand the entire consequence and reality of a reaction, on how it is not real and how it is a complete possession. A Reaction is when one goes into the mind and becomes completely controlled by it through not wanting to face or realize a point through fear of losing itself. And this mind takes us over completely, so I saw what it means to be possessed by the mind and how we allow it and how fucked up it truly is. Like A reaction to words said to you, like you are fat, if you go into a reaction it is the fear of being fat and the belief that you are fat coming into play. This is absolute possession and control. We are allowing this to take over our LIVES. So I looked at a definition I held of a past girlfriend because I noticed that I would still think about her every so often. So I looked at that picture of her in everything that it was, I forgave...Truly forgave, myself on believing that to be her, and then realized that if I saw her in the physical that the picture presentation I had of her would be irrelevant to what she actually is within the physical, So I was able to let that go unconditionally and absolutely.

Forgiveness for me is much more effective if I forgive within and as myself without words. I have to look at myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within and as my mind, look at it and then forgive. When looking at it within the mind I can see the entirety of the belief or perception or idea of something and unconditionally let it go with forgiveness. I must forgive myself first when looking at it and then I can speak it and mean it knowing that I do forgive myself rather than speaking empty words that I cannot stand behind because I have not lived them within the moment or know what they really mean.

So this is what helped completely. In the movie the main character is holding onto a belief of who his wife is, and the belief is surrounded by guilt and from that guilt comes regret and not being able to let it go, which is completely relevant to what desteni has brought forth within information. So he was holding onto a belief of his wife even though she died. She would still be within his mind fucking with the dream state of anothers dream, because all of their subconscious would come through and she was a large part of the main character that he could not let go. I looked at this point of that, even though it is jsut a belief it has immense consequences within the person because it becomes them. So I looked at any belief I had and looked at it entirely and forgave myself for believing it and within that moment I could see the reality of that which I believed to be. So If I were to believe a Person to be special or happy or sad or any `definition` I forgave it and could immediate see what they were in reality, no within any set definition. And I saw that they were me....deceptive lieing, polarity based, judgmental, mental (lol), etc.

I enjoyed this movie quite a lot because I was actually able to take away a better understanding of beliefs, I suggest you watch it and if you do not understand the movie start to research psychology, only a little through, then watch it again and see if you can understand it again. And Check Self-forgiveness as well because what I found interesting as well is that it was suggested within the movie to the main character to release his guilt.

For The Masses

So We have been Constantly forgetting that we are lives mostly due to the fact that we are thinknig about munny constantly. WE focus on our jobs or houses or so to speak Lives>! WE are submitting to money even though we don't like having to participate in it, The only ones who enjoy money are the rich. YEs it is luxiourious and comfortable to have what we have but at what expense.? Yourselves, What did you think of then? Your body or what you define as life? What Im saying is jsut stop right now, Leave let be/Stop and Drop Everything and no more money trouble, so no more property ownershit, and all other possessional status that you have with anything else. When there is no electricity items that we put some worth to become valueless, when theres no more care of whom it belongs to. Live freely from anything that we have dfined as stresses or worries or cares, still care for the people around you and live free from judgment from people around you for minor insecurities about themselves, Why people are racial has nothing to do with the fact that the others are different than them It has to do with the fact that they are insecure with something within himself. So Yes I Understand that with all these masses of people some must die Un fortuneatly yes. But Why We Fear death is only Because We don't Understand Death. And To Understand Death Isnt't that hard just an opened mind and clear perception of what you see. If your free from any preconceived Belief of how things are and came to be then take a look at desteniproductions on youtube and just watch and listen to see if you find truth in what exists in the words spoken. And Then you can understand Death. Hopefully with knowledge of death you no longer fear it, But just to exist as it because death does not exist seperately from you! Its inevitable that we die so why worry about it, yes it may hurt or be unpleasent in some way but fuck its not like if you avoid that pain now to never feel what ever death is going to feel like. So Again Stop Dead Right NOW! And Spread the message of True freedom! No More possessions and Use common Sense to Judge how you best would live within the enviroment that we currently have but only if All that we currently have here is unoperated. I would say Start Grabbing fruit from the Grocerey stop but not franticly and planting them wherever they can be, and dont worry about "oh maybe ill die before this try grows to riping" but know that you in time created better survival for what ever is left and what ever there will be when you die. sO Will you?