Lazyness

Mar 29th 2011 11:14am


Yesterday I was quite lazy and unwilling to write and or vlog. I slept heavily yesterday. I felt physically exhausted and I was not here for most of the time. I was off in my mind thinking heavily, and backchatting extensively. I noticed that I was not angry, within this. Usually with extensive backchatting I would get angry and have trouble placing myself here. I did have trouble placing myself here but I was not frustrated with the lack of `success` of it. Yesterday was a day without cigarettes, and I realized that I have used cigarettes to help me place myself within the physical. The entire time I was doing this, which was placing myself within touch, I was smoking. I smoked just a while ago and was able to place myself here again. Today was not that bad with placing myself here, it was more of a `success` than yesterday. So I am going to have to move through the point of relying on cigarettes to stabilize me. I justified smoking today with getting rid of constipation. It did help, but I should only require myself to shit.

On the point of taking it easy on myself I have been applying this as the frustration has stopped. The morality is still there believing that I must stop myself within the mind. I enjoy being here much more than within my mind. I enjoy feeling the touch and actually existing with other objects as I see how they can and do assist me. Before this process I was ignoring other objects as life. Simply existing within my own little bubble. And now I see that they are life assisting and supporting me in every way that they can. It is quite nice. Backchatting and stopping backchatting is a cool realization of that which I am not. I realize that to voice within the head which can be called thoughts is not me. That I have created a voice to sound like me so that I may believe it to be me which is quite funny.

So yesterday I was quite reluctant to doing anything. I simply slept for most of the day and time. I did not want to get myself up, even when I was `awake` I was not awake, I was still existing in a state of lazyness and accepting my exhaustion, instead of breathing and stopping the exhaustion and doing what I could have done. I did not call into the other location for my job which probably would have assisted me in knowing an update on the process of it. I went in today to check up on it and the guy was not there who I have been talking to…and he was yesterday so I mean that simply shows me the consequence of my reluctance to move in this world. Things will move by me If in every moment I do not take the opportunity when I see it. Right now I have set myself up right here to type. I was going to watch the news and not write, but I placed this here so that I could write and so that I would write. I took the opportunity here to write instead of putting it off, and that is what I have done within process quite frequently which is putting things off. I have put off much of what I have wanted to do or had the opportunity to do, and I mean many things have passed me by through this reluctance to take the opportunity within each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use lazyness as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy, instead of dealing with what I have to within this and my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing life to move past me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow life to move past me through being lazy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy allowing life to move past me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take the opportunities that life presents me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard life through being lazy.

Sleeping and Self-honesty

Mar 25th 2011 7:46pm


Ok so the point of sleep I want to write about right now. The point of sleep I am writing about is the fact that I am in the mornings having trouble waking up fully. The past 2 days I have slept past my alarm and the first day I woke up and sat on the toilet and peed lol and was questioning whether or not to stay up because I knew that I would exist in that same pattern as I have previously of sleeping until the last minute not getting up in time to eat properly and write in the morning like I like to do. I knew in that moment within self-honesty to stay up but I did not. So this point off applying self-honesty is a point I am willing to change at this moment, because I see myself falling, and I question how I allowed myself to fall and simply is because I am not standing self-honestly for and as myself to do what is best for me to not stay enslaved to these patterns that I have become and acted out. My application of self-honesty needs to change…yes I can be honest but I have not been taking that honest route and that is also a part of self-honesty. I mean I am right now honestly enslaving myself. Which is a stupid from my perspective. At the point of sitting on the toilet I was still tired and exhausted and I did not apply myself to get up in that moment meaning take that first breath and move myself. Instead I convinced myself to sleep a bit more and the outcome of this was stopping the Alarm each time it went off until I decided to call into work because of being tired and exhausted all because in that moment I did not take the honest route and breath in that moment getting up and taking on the day.

The second day which is today I stopped my alarm clock unconsciously, sleeping 2 hours past the alarm going off. I was not late to work but if I set the alarm any later I would have been, and this point I want to write about. The point of stopping my alarm unconsciously and then staying asleep. I have done this a few times where I am unaware that I have stopped my alarm….well not conscious of the fact and I end up sleeping with my cell phone/alarm in my hand lol because I have shut it off. I have made it too easy for myself to do this and if I cannot stop this because of consciousness that I must trick and apply measures of some other sort. So I have decided to place my alarm further so that I have to get out of bed to stop the alarm. So I have to get up out of the bed and walk to shut it off, and in this moment I will have some sort of consciousness and in that moment I can move within self-honesty or not, each one I know the path. And unfortunately I have been moving on the dishonest path within honesty. So I mean there are points here to consider, The sleeping not the worst or the most important but the application of self-honesty and the accumulating affect is something that I am considering as I see it becoming detrimental to be myself.

Simply I know what must be done and I must be relentless on myself in the moments of `its ok, no big deal`. It really is no big deal on the grand scale of all, but in all of me it is a big deal.

Oh yet another Resposibility point through Sleep

Mar 7th 2:22pm 2011


Breathing helps quite extensively, I slept again and was about to judge myself harshly, but I breathed. I slept after work. I said that I would sleep for 15 minutes and move past the want to sleep more, I purposely put myself in that position to move past it, but again I did not get up, I set the alarm later. I got up at that time and I enjoyed the feeling of sleep, I enjoyed not being here. But it was certainly an energetic feeling. The feeling is one of relief. I want more of this feeling so I sleep more…like masturbation basically. I was heavily abusing myself when I was masturbating through masturbating, I wanted more of the `relief` that I felt when I climaxed, so I heavily masturbated. And now I am heavily sleeping and through this I am abusing myself as well, not waking up and taking responsibility for myself, anyhow, to understand this I must stand equal and one to this. So yes it is the feeling that I enjoy and want to create more of through sleeping. As well I cannot nap as I have abused my trust of myself. It is the energetic feeling that I must move through and get rid of. When I wake up I make excuses and justification to why I can and should sleep some more, and it is simply to sleep more and have that feeling of sleeping, but it is not sleep that feels it is me. So I am creating this lack of responsibility for myself through sleep, this belief that sleep is relief. I am believing that I am not responsible when sleeping, I am responsible for the fact of myself sleeping and if I am not taking responsibility for myself within sleeping then I must take responsibility for not taking responsibility…the consequences will show as they are…my time to vlog and blog is much less when I sleep. So my responsibilities are becoming compromised when I sleep to not take responsibility, as well my job is being affected as well as my livelihood, so now I understand what is happening through myself sleeping. My responsibilities are being compromised and I am compromising myself within not taking responsibility, and I am not taking responsibility through sleeping more than 4-6 hours and the fact that I am allowing myself to sleep more when I nap. So the false feeling of relief is a lie, meaning that I am not relieved from my responsibilities when I sleep I only put them off from my mind, and believe they do not exist when I sleep, but the reality is that they do exist and they will always exist even within sleep, so sleeping less is better for me in taking responsibility, and napping is going to go.

A practical solution when feeling tired is to not allow myself to nap, to get up and do something, to read, to do work, to write, watch tv. I noticed that watching tv helps as it is a stimulation for my mind…playing video games would help…anything that would stimulate my mind would help stop me from being tired, but I am going to investigate when I feel tired as what I have been allowing myself to participate in.

So they consequence today was not getting up in time to go to work…I am absolutely grateful for their understanding, I called in and asked if they still needed me to come in, they said no it was fine, and I am absolutely grateful for this, as I was expecting to get yelled at, but again this in unacceptable on my part because I did not take responsibility for this.

Another Responsibility and Sleeping Blog

Feb 25th 2011 1:53pm


I woke up this morning earlier than my alarm to piss. I thought about my stance on getting up when I first wake up, which is definitely what I should have done. I then excused giving up on myself with the fact that the alarm still has not gone off, and that I can still sleep more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse abusing myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through excuses. I then went back to sleep for the extra 45 min that I had. I then allowed myself to press the snooze button many times, so that I could sleep more. I used the excuse of ‘since I have done it once already then it is fine for me to do it a second, third, fourth’ etc. I got up 15 min before I had to leave, ate and left. During the walk there I was fine, I was breathing and placing myself within the physical. When I got to work, I forgot all about breath again. I started to worry about what people would think of me and if they have read my blog or not, and whether or not I am being judged on my participation within desteni. I forgot all about breath and forgiveness within those moments, and I started to get quite exhausted. I did not want to work at that moment and became physically drained from worrying to that extent. I was not even aware of this until I wrote it out. During all of this exhaustion I was blaming it on not waking up, because within going back to sleep that first moment I did not take responsibility for myself and I noticed that I was dragging my feet feeling very sluggish because I was not taking responsibility for myself. Through out the time working I would keep my mouth shut and tight, and after a while my throat starts to hurt….as well my stomach but the stomach is anther point. I look at this through not taking Response Ability, I am not allowing myself to respond to the situation at hand, I am keeping my mouth shut, not placing myself within the situation, just observing as the physical, meaning that I no longer only observe with my mind but I am not physically possessed through/as observing. Within those moments I do not feel visible…well I do not want to be visible, I want to simply observe in those moment and not participate, that is why I am dragging my feet, because I am resisting participating. Through the time working and feeling sluggish, there were times where I would take responsibility for myself and get myself out of my mind and start to breathe and place myself within/as breath and the physical, where-in I would then immediately stop being sluggish, stop dragging myself and start to direct myself. These moments only lasted for a short while before I went back into my mind with that fear of judgment. I did not apply my forgiveness and self-corrective action of realizing that I am physically here as the physical even if someone now has a different perspective on me. I gave validity to the thought and fear of being looked at differently by my co-workers, and within that I fell into my mind. I did not experience any frustration or anger, I was still being sluggish and observant and that was it. I did not want to participate in the physical = take responsibility for myself here and placing myself here and directing myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the thought and fear of judgment from/as another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and value that judgment and validify that judgment of myself as `real`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through any and all backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself to take responsibility for myself through speaking to people, and responding physically to the environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to systematically move myself through/as the environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question the perception of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as a perception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within/as the physical and that I am not a perception or an idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a perception and/or an Idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely and knowingly give up on myself within waking up when I need to

I realized that I was going into anger and blame for waking up late and disliking the situation that I was putting myself in and realized that I am responsible for the situation and I must walk through it as it, and correct myself. So I let go of the anger and frustration from the start…this happened as I was about to walk out my door, I realized that I created the situation through/as my actions and that I must correct it, take responsibility for it, and fix/correct it. I then applied this to the entire world, and that is why we blame others for everything in this world…We blame nature, terrorists, neighbours, animals, cars, governments, everything that is not ourselves, to either ignore our responsibility or because we are not aware of our responsibility for creating the mess on this Earth. We have not looked at this world and said fuck we have created this…how do we get out? Nope we only blame more and then allow the system to become compounded and more fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely allow myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up from being sluggish and take physical responsibility for myself within the environment I am within.



This is cause and effect. I allowed myself to sleep in as much as I could not taking responsibility for myself within the physical as needing to eat well before I go to work. Within allowing myself to sleep to the very moment where I absolutely need to get up shows not taking responsibility for myself within the physical time limits and what is best for me, meaning that was is best for me when waking up and going to work is giving myself enough time to eat digest and prepare myself entirely for work, I did not give myself that time. As well it shows that I did not want to take responsibility for myself in going to work. This is all observation and I did not stand and participate within that moment.

Waking Up

Feb 24th 2011 5:41am


I am here having coffee and finishing my breakfast before work. Yesterday I did go the full day without any naps and slept 4 or 5 hours I cannot remember. When I got home from work yesterday I could feel me getting tired. I went to my moms to pick up a government check and I sat down to watch some videos and during one I started to get heavy eyes. I was opening and closing my eyes and found it hard to keep them open. I did not want myself to fall asleep so I looked and found a solution. Each time prior to this I would have most likely fallen asleep. This time I breathed. I breathed hard and fast and this kept me up, this kept me aware and able to here Bernard’s voice. I focused on his voice and not his words. I had to breathe quite `roughly` to keep myself awake in that moment and from not falling asleep or allowing myself to sleep. I ended up putting my head back and my eyes closed and I `slept` for about 3-5min. I was unconscious of this, and as soon as I became conscious of this meaning I had to think that I am asleep to wake myself up, I got myself up.

That is an interesting thing. I have experienced this quite a number of times. I would push my alarm clock and not realize that I have closed my eyes again and am unconscious. I then think about myself sleeping and that I should be up where in I then become conscious that I am asleep and wake myself up. This has happened with school. I have pushed the alarm fell back to sleep and slept through being `on time` for school. As I was sleeping I thought about school, and somewhat became aware of the position that I was in, and realized that I was still sleeping and thought within the moment of waking myself up `Oh shit I am late`. I have missed a few tests due to this. And I am going to start to get up when my alarm goes off. Today that even happened for 2 minutes. I had to piss so I ended up waking up 45min before my alarm and thought about staying up but did not and decided I would enjoy more sleep. The alarm went off, I set it for a half hour later, and repeated the same thing. I then woke up at 5:15 and had to piss again. I stopped the alarm, and laid there, I ended up closing my eyes unconsciously, and fell into `sleep mode`, where in I became aware that I did this…I became aware of the moment that I closed my eyes, I did not become aware of myself within the moment…neat, I became aware of what I did within the past….I was still existing within that one moment of closing my eyes, so I realized this and woke myself up, not knowing how much time went past…it was only 2 min. I have done this with hours and minutes, it all seems like the same amount of time because I still exist within that first moment of closing my eyes. I did not see the fact that I became aware of the moment I closed my eyes before writing this. That is a compromising position to place myself within so I am going to start to wake myself up when the first alarm goes.

Purposeful Diminishment

Feb 22nd 5:26pm 2011


I just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I purposely slept. I got home from work and did not feel right from the perspective of breathing, I was not focusing on breath and I was still in `work` mode. I noticed that watching tv or playing a video game or something like that gets me out of it. I watched some news for a bit and still did not breathe. I thought about laying down and knew if I did lay down I would fall asleep. I purposely layed down. To avoid and hide from myself. I knew that if I slept until a certain time that I would not go to the library. So I slept for that amount of time.

I purposely did this to myself I did not want to face myself today, it must sub or unconscious because I do not see a reason why. I rathered sleep in that moment and did not take responsibility for myself being here. I allowed myself to sleep those hours and purposely kept myself asleep. So there is something that I am hiding from.

I wanted to go to the library today, I wanted to post some shit. I did not know what to vlog about and felt that I could not vlog effectively in that current state of mind. I knew the outcome if I laid down and I did anyways. I have done this with smoking before where I know that the outcome is what it is and yet I will smoke anyways, purposely diminish myself.

Purposely Diminish myself to keep myself enslaved to the inferiority that I believe myself to be. Purposely give up so that I can stay `at the bottom` and not rise above myself I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely give up on myself to keep myself enslaved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and escape from the fact that I want to keep myself enslaved. Why have I come to this point and how? I have defined process as incredibly difficult and overwhelming and I do not want t to push myself through the breaking points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define process as difficult. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define difficult to exist within process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from difficult and process through defining difficult to exist within process separate from me. I forgive mself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process as difficult or as easy as it is going to be, that I am the creator of my own process and I am responsible for myself within process.

I was looking at the phrase `I will make it` in the context of process, transcending the physical etc. I make it, I create myself being `successful` in this process or I make, I create myself `falling` within this process of self-realization. Currently I am making this difficult on myself, and I am making myself less than everything still not realizing that I am equal to everything, as life. I am making myself who I am I am creating myself to fail, I am creating myself to give up on myself when it gets `too tough`. I am not making it meaning that I am not creating myself in equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less than

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create myself in equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself give up

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself stand

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take absolute and complete control of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself equal and one with/as everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as diminishment and to purposely diminish myself to enslave myself and not realize myself and stand up

I am responsible for my own enslavement, my enslavement is not separate from me. I enslave myself. It is not the minds fault it is not the systems fault it is my fault and responsibility to unslave myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from enslavement through defining enslavement to exist within the mind, within systems, separate from myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the systems and I am the mind now and that I have enslaved myself and I am one and equal to my own enslavement as myself, as me.

Pattern of Sleeping

Feb 21st 12:20pm 2011


I woke up this morning from 5 hours of sleep I got up pissed and layed down by the fire with my cat and slept some more. I knew that once I layed down that I was quite likely to sleep again which I did not want to do yet I took no action towards it. I ended up sleeping for roughly an hour by the fire and when I woke up I decided that since I slept there I was going to sleep more…since I fell there I will fall more. I find it hard to stand up from falling in this context, I say I will but the action are not there. The thoughts are there yet no actions. This needs to be solved. I acted upon the though `If I have fallen what could hurt if I fell further?` So I did. I allowed myself to sleep 12 hours. I have been allowing this to happen for a few days now. There is a point in this as well where I know that I can move and stay up…after I woke up from sleeping by the fire, I layed down on the couch and remembered that I was going t stretch in the mornings to assist me to wake up. I did not act on that thought, so really I want to sleep. The reality of the situation is I get up feel tired and `decide` to sleep purposefully. I then feel guilty about this for letting myself down and not waking myself up when I know I can. I deliberately ignore or participate in the thoughts that will lead me to more sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself thinking that I am going to stop sleeping 12 hours.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself in realizing that I purposefully act to sleep 12 hours to escape reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sleep to escape reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within standing up within sleeping 4-6 hours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself believing that I am going to stand up

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within reality when this point occurs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind thinking about the problem and solution while not taking responsibility within my actions, allowing myself to fall into patterns of myself.

Self-corrective application here is to take responsibility for myself within these moments and applying myself as responsibility for getting myself up and waking myself up and not allowing myself to further place myself within the mind acting on the feeling of being tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully sleep allowing myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility and act on the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility by ignoring the solution as myself and hoping that it will all magically happen

Morning Writing

I Have just woken up and I have been trying to write , and this trying is a physical thing. My computer keeps breaking down. So I have not been able to write…well here I am now. I got up and immediately wanted to sleep more. I still feel this way. I feel heavy, and the thought of an extra hour of sleep in a pleasure. The thought of sleep is something that I enjoy. I enjoy it as the idea of sleep, of just relaxing my body and drifting away into the mind where I do not have to be aware, or conscious. Right now I see it as a point in which I move through time, and to give into my feelings. I am feeling and feeling of weakness, in my forearms and legs, As well in the tendens within my forearms connected to my fingers. This happens when I am tired. My forearms become weak and moving my fingers becomes a bit harder, they become stiff and to move my fingers from that stiffness is weird, as if I am waking myself up through using my fingers. Because that’s what happens, I stop typing my forearms become weak and my fingers become immobile, and I start to drift off to sleep,


I woke up not too long ago took a piss in that drowsy state when waking up, and have not been fully awake for a while. I am still allowing myself to exist within a drowsy state by not breathing. Well enough of that. So I woke up took a piss and had a glass of juice. I was thinking about what to eat and or do and could not find anything to attach myself to so I decided to write. I enjoy writing tremendously, it is an absolute please to create words out of myself and place them in physical symbolized form. So I decided to write and get myself physically warm and comfortable to enjoy as much as I can out of this. I am still placing myself in that feeling of drowsy need. I do need to get up out of bed and eat something and start my day, yet I am reluctant as this is very comfortable and I enjoy it and getting out of bed means taking responsibility for myself….Looking at this I apply myself in getting out of bed and there is a large resistance to this , I want to sleep and stay here and simply close my eyes and fall away. It sounds pleasurable, falling away from this reality…but my mind is not real, I do have to let it go, I am not real within my mind, I am not real through defining myself within/as the mind. I am not real within a definition. Ok so I am getting up and eating something

So I got up, got dressed and ate and had a cup of coffee so far. Right now I feel much more awake and here. I yawned at the start as I was not aware of my movement but giving into the mind as a system to systematically move myself and not take actually responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind to not take respnsiblity for each and every movement I make wthin the physical reality as well as mental reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind, allowing the system I have created and am responsible for to direct me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself here in each and every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through not placing myself and directing myself here in EACH moment within/as breath as me as life.

I am glad that I woke myself up today. Writing out write now is a pleasure. As well I am glad because I have struggles with this point, and now I see I only allow myself to struggle with this point because I simply do not want to give it up…that is why I know that I am going to give up happiness because I want to now let it go and I now can let it go because I do not want to hold onto it any longer, so what is interesting is that I no longer experience frustration when I participate in memories of happiness, I simply stop and place myself here and continue because I know that I do not want to hold onto it so I let it go by not getting frustrated over it which is completely cool.



This computer has now become un-reliable. It keeps on freezing…the image does at least. There is something wrong with the power cord plug in. So I either get it fixed or buy a new one…I am drawn to buying a new one as I see it as being a lot more useful in terms of performance and productivity…but really I simply want a new laptop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through using ideas and words to justify my wants. So yes I simply want one, now I must save to get there. I do not have a lot of money left for spending so I am going to have to wait and really save my money.

Responsibility and relation to sleeping

I have been struggling with sleeping for a while now and could not figure out what it was. I could not see past a certain point, I could not see past the physical point of it being comfortable and getting up would mean that I would have to remove the comfort. But I am constantly sleeping in because I do not want to take responsibility for myself, responsibility to get up and do what is necessary. This is obvious within my past writings but I did not want to see it. As soon as I saw it today I got up. So what happened was that I got home from work and felt tired and exhausted, I started to vlog but did not know what to vlog about, so I left it at that and decided to sleep, I `decided` to wake up after a bit to vlog but I did not take responsibility for this. I kept on sleeping, I allowed myself to wake up many times and then just fall back asleep, not wanting to get up and face the day face what I am responsible for in my reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to not take responsibility for myself. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for my reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking responsibility for myself and my reality. This has been happening for a while now. Many times I have woken up to a mess of dishes that I did not do because I decided to sleep. I have abdicated many responsibilities because I allowed myself to sleep to escape them, I did not take responsibility because of sleep, I slept to not take responsibility. The thought that came up this night was that I made a pot of coffee before I went to sleep, and forgot about it, when I decide to sleep I decide to take all care out from me and forget everything that I am responsible for and become absolutely self-interested, through-out sleeping I remembered that I have made this pot of coffee, and I thought `shit this might cause a fire` then I thought that since I have slept this long and I am not on fire then I can sleep longer and not need to worry. This is dangerous. I could have jeopardized many lives if it caught fire, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-interested. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to jeopardize others lives, I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not take responsibility for myself. I forgive myself for acceoting and allowing myself to escape facing my responsibilities. When I say responsibilities, I do mean response abilities, because I am not voicing a response, I can physically move as response to my responsibilities, and when I am sleeping I have not response, I do not move, I do not speak, I am responseless. As soon as I noticed that responsibility was the reason that I was sleeping I got up. I slept for 12 hours because time and time again I decided to sleep more because I did not want to get up and face what I had to do until I HAD to do something like work, I was not taking responsibility for writing myself out or vlogging. I jeopardized peoples lives for me not taking responsibility for myself. This is simply not going to continue….the only reason I felt tired in the first place was because I did not want to take responsibility for vlogging or blogging, and responsibility for walking to the library to post it. This not taking responsibility is not going to continue, I am getting myself up and keeping myself up and away from sleeping for the better part of a day rather than sleeping through the day hoping that someone will feed and clothe me. As I sleep I am not AWARE of anything, I am asleep, I am not here, I am lost in my mind, I am dead and when I wake up I mourn. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not taking responsibility. I am simply taking responsibility now. Simple. I am not allowing myself to sleep for long periods of time, I am going to get up when I need to and sleep when I NEED to. When I do not take responsibility I fantasize, I fantasize about anything, for the reason to not be Here, and move myself around what is here. I was just fantasizing about my art and how I enjoy it and wanting an artist to judge me on it so I would have a `valued` opinion, not allowing myself to be here and take responsibility for me typing this out.

Sleeping and Escape

Recently I have been sleeping more for the want to escape myself in this reality and taking responsibility for myself in this reality. It has gotten worse and worse, and I am taking on this point because it has reached a point where it is getting close to tipping and fucking up my life. I have been sleeping to escape the fact that I am here. I have been staying asleep because I do not want to face myself in this reality. All of these points are coming back…I was sleeping 4-6 hours no problem before, and was not neglecting it, only recently have I started to sleep more again, and the only reason I can see is to learn acting for myself and not for others. Recently when sleeping 4-6 hours it was to prove that I could and not that I am no longer doing this myself is coming into the equation, that now I actually have to sleep 4-6 hours for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and prove myself to others as being who I want myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act from a mind possession, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do things for myself. And this is what is happening now. There are a lot of things to do in a day now for me with taking on this writing project and work, and other little things that come up and sleeping the way I am sleeping now is making it incredibly hard for me to manage my time effectively. If I were to sleep only 4-6 hours it would start to become much easier for me. When I become tired I try to find ways to stop being tired by eating or drinking coffee but none of that works, it is from within and I must change within first then the without changes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that changing the outside will change myself inside, and yes it will to a certain point but this comes from within so it must be solved from within. When I am sleepy I do not want to move through what I am trying to do, so for example doing this right now if I were to become sleepy I would not want to move myself through the time that it takes to write myself out here. I would then think about how to escape this and I have used sleep to escape time before so I then become sleepy to help myself escape this time. It doesn’t work though because I have to move myself through this to get to being done I cannot sleep and somehow this magically becomes done, that is delusional and stupid, I have come to realize that all desires are completely revolving around stupidity and delusions. Sleeping comes from a want to escape, as well as many other mind manifestations. So when I was sleeping 4-6 hours I did not sleep to escape I slept to sleep, and I have started to compound sleeping to escape again and to not face myself and this has been compounding and now it is hard to get up in the morning for self, If I have to work then it is easy. Even things that I HAVE to do like, a few weeks ago I had to pay rent, and I was planning to get up early so that I could get what I needed to do done and then move myself to the bank and get my rent, even within this I became lazy and procrastinated, I wanted to stay in bed and not face this reality, I wanted to hold onto being unconscious, I wanted to hold onto not being aware. I wanted to hold onto being unconscious because then I do not need to accept or take anything into consideration….the free will shit still exists within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief and application of free will. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are no consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for me. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality by participating in my mind.


The escape point is relevant even when awake. When commuting or moving myself through time/space…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape time and space by participating in thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs….I do not want to face the fact that it is going to take time and space to get to point B. Within this I will start to think about ideas and beliefs, and start to participate in projections within/as ego to ignore the fact that I am here. This is who I have become ignorant of who I really am, and wanting to be something else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore who I amreally am as life here equal to all live living here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a belief of who I want to be and try to maintain that belief.

Escaping comes from wanting to not face time. Not wanting to face myself within time and space, comes from not wanting to take responsibility for myself here in this reality. Not wanting to take responsibility for this reality as my reality.

Escaping Is what I have to used to solve my wants of not wanting to take responsibility and not wanting to face time and space construct. This is what I have become and I am changing this. Breathing absolutely puts me here in every moment.