Protesting Solves Nothing

Protesting solves nothing
In the recent occupy wall street movement/protests, the system is being protested. Protesting a system is a bit useless as the system will only follow the rules and regulations that exist within/as it. Thus we must follow the rules and regulations and change them to support life instead of allowing life to be abused as such.

Fighting a system won’t work, it is like raging against a machine…very useless, as a machine is all clockwork, it can only function within the means of said clockwork, the system is no different it can only function according to the system itself. Thus it is imperative to follow the rules of the system and use/change the rules of the system to bring about a new system. One must move within the system and change it from the inside, one cannot `fight` a system it must be re-worked.

Within the occupy Wall Street protests, they are waging war against the system with no stance in changing the system, they are fighting it only hoping for change, and within this there will be no solution as the rules of the system are not being taken on through/as standing within/as the rules of the system, they are standing as subjects to the system thus standing less than a system wanting change. We must stand equal to the system move within/as the rules and change the rules to make a world that we all want to live within.

We must use the rules in place to create new rules and move into power to change the rules and within that we must be free from the temptation of greed as that is the problem with the human in the first place and that which the protestors are protesting. Moving into politics, taking the bull by the horn and placing the change as ourselves is how change can only happen, protesting – obviously from the 60’s example – solves nothing, they grew up and became a part of the system just the same.

It is who WE have become within/as the system that is the problem not the system itself, plus we created the system as a likeliness of/as ourselves thus it is all of humanities responsibility to change the system into what is best for all.

Disabilities, Politeness and What is best for all

May 1^st 2011
I was at a doctors office a few days ago and there was this being in a wheel chair who looked like he had a severe form of cerebral palsy. 2 points arose within this and they are the fact of him being disabled and within an equality system will this be allowed as we should understand death, and the point of politeness because as I was `staring` my sister nudged me with an implied meaning of don’t stare as it is `rude`

I was observing this being in his physical form. He was in a wheelchair unable to communicate verbally with language, he was struggling with breathing every so often, and his physical movement was quite limited, he could move his arms although it seemed as he did not have directive control. This being is being kept alive in his current state and from my observations it seemed like he was suffering. His breathing was a struggle. Every so often he would convulse and his breathing would stop for a second and it seemed like he was trying to get breath into himself, and this happened about every 2 minutes or so. His father would periodically smack his lungs to try and `help` him breathe as his understanding.

So my question is should this being be kept alive in his current state? He is definitely suffering, unable to communicate his diabilities and only through the understanding of medicine are we able to `diagnose` hsi conditions and how to keep him alive. He was spitting up every so often so his airway through his mouth was being obstructed in some manner so he was definitely struggling to keep his breath steady and stable.

He is being kept alive most likely because his parents did not want to let him go so they keep him in this state of struggle to support their own wants of his life and having an offspring. Looking at his condition he is going to be completely dependant on others to support his life for his entire life. He will never be able to support himself under his own means, if he did not have parents the system that we currently live in would not support him very well, sure there are institutions to support his life but in the condition that this world is undergoing it is all limited to money, therefore if the institution does not have a steady flow of money going into it is will simply die and that being won’t be able to be supported.

In an equality system, we will most likely have more of an understanding of death. Death will not be a thing to fear, but an actuality of living. We will understand that a being must come from somewhere to inhabit the physical form to keep it alive, to keep it stable to keep it breathing. So keeping a being in a form that it must constantly suffer within should not be supported as it is abuse to keep that being alive, it is a literal form of torture. The being in his form will not be able to appropriately survive in the system under himself, so it must be understood that we must let him go in that form so that he may be re-birthed into another form, one that does not suffer.

This is certainly a controversial subject, as all euthanasia is. In an equality system, we will take what is best for all into account, so is it best for this being to be kept alive in his current physical form? Or is it best for him to give him another life here in the physical, one where he does not need to suffer or struggle to BREATHE!? It would be best to end his suffering, imagine having to struggle to breathe every 2 minutes, and struggling means having your breath stopped and convulsing and seizuring  to get it back, being unable to communicate under the language of the part of the world you are in, having to be supported constantly by another being. For me that would be a hell.

When we have an actual understanding of death suffering life will not be supported, it will be possible to end all suffering. A point came up of people may think I am thus saying kill all the suffering. That is not true, many beings suffer not because of their physical condition but because of a lack of money, and in an equality system, money will be distributed equally so that beings may be able to support their life. So some suffering is due to the accepted system we have imposed within/as ourselves, and other suffering is due to the physical form they are within.

The other point here is `politeness`. I was only observing this being in his form and what he is going through. I would see it as `rude` if I were to purposely not look at him, ignoring him. If I were to purposely not look at him and ignore him I would ignore the fact that he is life, I would thus be ignoring his life.

And we accept this ignorance as politeness, when really it is being rude as it is purposely ignoring this being as life and what he is going through, through not giving him our attention to his current state of life. This world is in reverse. In this situation `politeness` is actually being `rude` while being `rude` is not being `rude`.  So why is it polite to not stare? It is seen as it makes them feel less then, or embarrassed or ashamed. But that is not the intention of the being staring at all, usually. It is only to understand what he is going through. As a kid when you did stare, was it to judge them? Or was it to observe and understand? So being polite in not staring at people with disabilities is actually rude as you are not giving them attention to their life. Understanding what it would be like to go through this world in that body.

Investigate an Equal money system so we may realize that we are all equal and thus then create an Equality System in all aspects in this world. We have the possibilities here we must simply realize them.

Sleeping and Self-honesty

Mar 25th 2011 7:46pm


Ok so the point of sleep I want to write about right now. The point of sleep I am writing about is the fact that I am in the mornings having trouble waking up fully. The past 2 days I have slept past my alarm and the first day I woke up and sat on the toilet and peed lol and was questioning whether or not to stay up because I knew that I would exist in that same pattern as I have previously of sleeping until the last minute not getting up in time to eat properly and write in the morning like I like to do. I knew in that moment within self-honesty to stay up but I did not. So this point off applying self-honesty is a point I am willing to change at this moment, because I see myself falling, and I question how I allowed myself to fall and simply is because I am not standing self-honestly for and as myself to do what is best for me to not stay enslaved to these patterns that I have become and acted out. My application of self-honesty needs to change…yes I can be honest but I have not been taking that honest route and that is also a part of self-honesty. I mean I am right now honestly enslaving myself. Which is a stupid from my perspective. At the point of sitting on the toilet I was still tired and exhausted and I did not apply myself to get up in that moment meaning take that first breath and move myself. Instead I convinced myself to sleep a bit more and the outcome of this was stopping the Alarm each time it went off until I decided to call into work because of being tired and exhausted all because in that moment I did not take the honest route and breath in that moment getting up and taking on the day.

The second day which is today I stopped my alarm clock unconsciously, sleeping 2 hours past the alarm going off. I was not late to work but if I set the alarm any later I would have been, and this point I want to write about. The point of stopping my alarm unconsciously and then staying asleep. I have done this a few times where I am unaware that I have stopped my alarm….well not conscious of the fact and I end up sleeping with my cell phone/alarm in my hand lol because I have shut it off. I have made it too easy for myself to do this and if I cannot stop this because of consciousness that I must trick and apply measures of some other sort. So I have decided to place my alarm further so that I have to get out of bed to stop the alarm. So I have to get up out of the bed and walk to shut it off, and in this moment I will have some sort of consciousness and in that moment I can move within self-honesty or not, each one I know the path. And unfortunately I have been moving on the dishonest path within honesty. So I mean there are points here to consider, The sleeping not the worst or the most important but the application of self-honesty and the accumulating affect is something that I am considering as I see it becoming detrimental to be myself.

Simply I know what must be done and I must be relentless on myself in the moments of `its ok, no big deal`. It really is no big deal on the grand scale of all, but in all of me it is a big deal.

Backchatting at Work and Co-workers

I have purposely placed the word `Co-workers` to invite and entice my co-workers to read this. My blog is an exposure of me showing the reality of myself to anyone who reads it myself included. It it is process of self-realization of who and how I have become what I have become, and an process of self-investigation, so yes there are topics in my blog which are the most intimate moments with/as myself. Read if you want
Enjoy

Feb 23rd 2011 11:15am


A co-worker today told me that he has been reading my blog. I laughed and was embarrassed as there is much personal stuff on there and felt very vulnerable in that moment. I have found out that other co-workers have read it as well. So looking at this, sure I am completely vulnerable through this and now I am going to have to watch what I say…It will never be about others but it could definitely be about my job.

I have been breathing and removing myself from backchatting today. I have been placing myself within the physical. I have in the past few days been very exhausted after work because of the backchatting that I have been doing while at work, so I decided to really push myself within this today. I was able to stop it quite frequently. I definitely did not stop it completely, I stopped it and was able to focus on myself within breath and within my body, and got out of my mind and the ideas and situations that I was creating within my mind. There was a long moment where I was getting wuite frustrated at myself for participating in backchatting and not stopping it. I would loop the fuck out of myself always participating in the past and observing the past which extensively fucked me up. I would think stop backchatting then look at that thought, think about the fact that I looked at the thought `stop backchatting` and this would lead into infinity and I would get completely frustrated for not stopping, and I would have to stop everything and just breathe or I would have gone fucking insane. This lasted until I realized that I have to completely let go of the backchatting and not judge myself nor look back and participate in the current moment the moment I breathe and completely let go of the backchatting that I was holding onto. This resulted in no frustration, I disregarded the past as the past and moved on within breath. This is helping me to not get angry and to not get frustrated about backchatting, believing that I must stop it. Instead of believing that I must stop it which infinitely loops me within the past, I actually stop it. Meaning I stop it within the breath and moment I become aware of myself backchatting, instead of believing that I must stop it, within believing that I must stop it I look at the past and judge myself within the belief that I must stop it thus infinitely looping me within the past. So I removed the infinite loop I was creating for myself and placed myself within the physical as breath each moment I caught myself, instead of worrying about what I have done in the past. So cool experience there, as I have stopped much of my backchatting, and cause of my frustration within my mind.

During the moment The co-worker told me he read my blog, I was quite nervous…and embarrassed, not being able to `hide` any longer. Not being able to hide the fact that I am part of desteni…which is quite cool as he actually looked into desteni, he said he watched anti-desteni and as soon as I heard the word desteni come from a person who does not participate in desteni, I was weirded out…lol. It was not `normal` to me, I have not heard anyone say desteni outside of desteni before with such non-chalance. So This shows that I am still living a `double life` where I do not incorporate both my personality and what I must do within the system and desteni as speaking about reality and truth, and what Really exists as this world as us as humans.

It was interesting to hear someone speak to me about desteni. After that happened I went into thoughts about how I must now watch what I say when blogging/vlogging, but I really do not. I have been allowing myself to write whatever and now only the information and knowledge that people in my direct reality are reading my blog in limiting me. So shows was knowledge and information does, it only limits ones ability to perceive reality.

I have been possessed by this point, Worrying what others at work are now thinking about me and there are a few things that I must realize. 1 I do not change through a different idea within another, meaning that just because another now `sees` `perceives` `thinks` about me differently, I do not change, I stay the same as the physical. If someone has a `new` idea about me it is just an idea, not real I stay the same as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an idea. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am physical here as all equal to all physical existence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to affect myself with thoughts.

2 Only I allow this affect to exist within me. I accept and allow myself to be affected by others thoughts through backchatting about the fact that others now `know` something `more` `different` about me. Backchatting about a belief that others may hold now towards me through knowledge information perception and judgment . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information by judging myself, by creating a perception of myself and by defining myself through knowledge and information.

I am allowing myself to worry how I will handle this event, as many points about me are now vulnerable that I did not allow myself to expose unconditionally in every moment of and as myself. So be it. It does not matter, I will take the conflict if any exist, any judgment if existent, and handle it with self-honesty. That is all that I can do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to people. I forgivemyself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally expose myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from certain people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separate personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created myself as personality. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my/the environment for creating myself as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as personality.

All one Vs To get Her

Feb 21st 9:15pm 2011


Being All one vs Being Out ToGetHer

Being Alone and realizing and accepting that I walk this process alone for me as all as life is reality is what is real is what will work and stand the test of time as myself. Being out to get her, out to be together with another will never stand the test of time as I will then always be looking and never realize that I stand as all as one, All One. Within together, I look for another being to hold onto in which I place an idea of myself of `together` with another being in which it will never stand the test of time as within death we separate, so being together is an absolute lie to myself, and I deceive myself within believing that I am together with someone and that I have company and that I am not alone. In reality yes I am not alone yet I am alone, as I am the only one responsible for myself. I am not physically alone but I must stand alone in each moment as All One, to realize myself as equal to all live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider the human in/as existence. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider all life within/as existence.

Being together means that I am searching = To Get Her. Wanting another to `complete` me not realizing that I am complete as myself alone as All One, as one as myself. I am dishonest within searching outside of myself for anything as standing Alone means that I am All One, as all as life meaning that everything does not exist outside of me as life as All one, standing alone as me as life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search outside of myself for `completion` of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am complete as myself alone. This does not mean that I am perfect in any way, I must live myself alone and realize that I am All one, and stand as the principles of myself as equality and actually live equality firstly to then understand even the concept of perfection of myself alone as all one. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone as all one of a group as everyone as the group thus looking out for the group as myself alone as all one as the group. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for another as myself not realizing that I am the other as myself and the other is me as them, thus not needing to search outside of myself, only needing to realize that I am them as myself in equality and oneness as we both will stand alone. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand alone as all one as life as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write this with others in mind and not standing alone as me as all one standing as me knowing that writing this for myself alone means that I write this for all as one. That is neat.

Daily Writing

Writing has assisted me immensely. Especially writing out one topic/point each day. Writing out my desire within cigarettes I was able to remove all wants and desires to have a cigarette. Each time I wrote a new article of cigarettes more points came up, so I could see more points and expand on more points each time I talked or wrote about myself within as desiring a cigarette. Through writing the point out like this I am able to see the point when desiring a cigarette, before I would only see and move on the fact that I was desiring a cigarette, now I can see the feeling related to it, and remove that feeling. Writing has assisted me immensely, this whole sharing process has assisted me immensely, I was able to work through the point of wanting to be supported yesterday through talking it out with myself, and speaking and sharing it whenever I could. I am ABSOLUTELY grateful for everything that desteni offers. I would not be able to stop if it was not for the existence of desteni. I am experiencing energetics related to gratefulness towards desteni…like `choking` up and wanting to cry…I understand now Bella. She was trying to explain that to me before, and now experiencing it I now understand…simple.

Through writing and sharing I have been able to take on many points within mylife and share it , as well I have been able to push past points of feeling inferior to myself by sharing myself….shame and embarrassment are what I felt inferior within, and I have been able to share points where I have had shame and embarrassment, and moved through it, through writing and sharing. I really cannot express to the degree how much desteni has assisted me within looking at my life. I enjoy this immensely and have gotten rid of a lot of my fears within sharing myself…I remember now that being around people was one of my biggest fears, I feared now saying the `right` thing, not being liked, because of an idea of who I was, and within sharing myself I see that the idea was not real, and now I can socialize much easier, and I do not FEAR sharing myself…I wrote fear in capitals because that fear of my around other people was a large point that controlled my expression, and limited me greatly.

When writing and sharing I have been able to find out how to stop. I have been finding out so much about me…for instance the fear of being alone is a point that I have just written/spoken/shared about. Through writing about the point I was able to find many points that was not seeing previously. I could only see the main point which was that I was participating in my mind constantly….like the cigarette point where I would only see the fact that I wanted a cigarette. Through writing out being alone, I noticed that my body was completely tense, from fear. And when I would be around someone who I `knew` I would relax, my body would not be tense. Through writing this out I was able to see that I was fearing myself and my ability to support myself, and through noticing that fear I was able to notice my body being tense…I was not aware before I wrote that my body was tense.

Writing has assisted me to an Nth degree. From my experience from writing I would recommend that you write as well, and be honest to yourself, and do not fear sharing anything….that one thing that you do fear is where you will find another opening to yourself.

Existing for others

I have decided to take on this point as it has started to be shown within my reality and I have come to start to notice it and no longer am going to allow this to affect me. This point opened up through my sleeping habits. I have been sleeping more and more and more. And when getting up I think about all the things that I have to do today for myself, and I have been saying/thinking “fuck it, sleep is more enjoyable”. Within this I have been wanting to sleep more. I have not been getting up and moving myself for myself. I have been existing in desires and wants of escaping my reality and facing myself here. In the past I was able to sleep 4-6 hours a night no problem, and I realize now that my starting point was to prove myself as being effective to life. So recently I have not been sleeping 4-6 hours a night and it is because I have been wanting to sleep in because of the escape. I have not been existing for myself within this. I have been existing with the mind within this giving into desires because I no longer wanted to prove myself. I only now am aware of this point although I have noticed it many times, I have ignored it though. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am responsible for my reality and must direct it accordingly. That is what happens when I wake up. I think about the things I have to do within that day, and compare that to sleeping more and I ignore that fact that getting up in that moment is what would be best for me and continue sleeping. Within this I obviously am not existing for myself. I am taking on this point before it becomes a problem in my reality…I see that if I continue this I am going to have to give up some things that I want to keep. Like writing for example, as if I sleep too much I will only have time for work and won’t be able to write…the looking at this point within the equality equation I see that this is possible because I have started to sleep to get through any time that I have to wait through instead of doing something productive that would assist me.


When I exist for others I exist as a perception that others will `hopefully` accept and enjoy. I place myself within/as this perception through fear of sharing myself, because of childhood abuse…I spoke about in my vlog the link is attached. I have been fearing other people and their power over me….AH cool I did not see this before. I got hit as a kid because I stood up and my mother having power over me abused it, and now I fear being abused again by people having power over me. The thing is that I give my power to them by existing in inferiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused by power. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse power. The reason why I exist like this is because I saw when I got hit that people that have power over me have a direct control of my reality, and that if I stand up and show them them then they will fight back against me, and being a kid at the time I was not strong physically, I had to stand there and take it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by getting slapped. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing getting hit as a kid to affect my standing up in my reality now. I have not seen these points before….So I have given up my power to everyone in my reality, from the perscpective that if I want friends the other people are in control of that, and I must mold myself into their liking. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold myself into as someones likings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mold myself into a belief of how to be liked. This revolved around wanting to be accepted by others, and not accepting myself as life as who I am. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as life as who I am . Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as who I am as life.

Within conversation with people I notice that I give into their words. I do not hear their words, I just blindly accept their words. I confirm everything they say, unless it is completely abusive, from fear of not having anyone around to support me. Through fear of being alone, through fear of standing as myself alone. I will speak in a manor of acceptance of their words and not give my own perspective on it. I am not inferior to anyone, I only give them my power through acceptance of inferiority, I only allow them to walk over me if they choose to, I do not need to comply with everything in this system, I will only move myself around in this system effectively and existing within inferiority is not effective. People are not going to stand up for themselves, rarely do they ever as I show myself, This is going to be a process of walking myself through this and when I fear saying something out of fear of not being accepted or hurting another’s ego I must check my starting point and continue to say it if it is self-honest or effective at stopping this inferiority construct. And stop participating inothers conversations if they are bullshit and go no where. I no longer accept myself as inferiority, and I no longer accept this bullshit in my reality.

Thank you, Paul Quessy

The Day of Shit

I do not really want to post my day because I have yet to write it out and I am doing that for the course = limitation. I don't see why I can't write it out here. I just made the excuse of the fact that I do not have enough time to look at my entire day and write it out.... it is like I do not want to spoil it...I have made the plans to write it our when I get home and if I write it out here I spoil it? nonsense.

Again today I was wanting to escape to a certain degree. I slept in when I wanted to get up and move myself wthin the world. I wanted to get my rent from the bank when it opened up (8) and go to the library when it opened(10) to utilize the most of my time. I ended up sleeping in past these times. Who am I within that? I did not care about what I wanted to do to support me. I only wanted to further my experience with sleep. I was enjoying not being here. I was enjoying not having to face the cold or the winter or having to move myself around in the winter time. I bike around everywhere in the winter and dislike the cold to an Nth degree. I did not care about whether I was effective in the day or not I just really enjoyed the sleep I had. As well it was the motivation to get up. I had no motivation. I used to use cigarettes - a want or desire - to get up and start the day. I would normally think ( !!! I get to smoke if I get up) then I would get up to have a cigarette. Today I did not have any in the morning so there was no motivation to move. I did not care about myself in applying myself in doing what I needed to do in the day, I was too involved in my mind and its desires which was sleep and escape lol. I didn't have a desire to get me up but I had one to keep me asleep. I eventually got up with the thought of "Fuck this is enough of this" and started to move myself in my day.

Money was the start of my day. I started off with calling about getting internet at my house and to find out the prices and what were the options of getting it. Money is a large factor in this and it would be too expensive right now for me to pay for it - that was my excuse ...I have the money. I do not want to spend that amount of money on the internet at the house for something that I can currently get for free and faster elsewhere. It is frugality. Lol excuse. I do not want to put the money towards it, and that is it. I went to the bank to find out that it was closed and was happy that it was closed so that I could hold onto money for a bit longer and not have to pay my rent right now...I hold onto money until I MUST spend it. Anyhting that is not a must I will not allocate it towards it...that is something that I will work on and apply myself within.

My dad (Stephen) ended up calling me to go out for lunch and we decided to go to his place for lunch...again I was glad that I did not have to spend money on food and would be fed by anothers monetary means. I am working on this point and stopping myself from going to my mothers for food and internet. the reason I went with my father is because I thought that since I missed boxing day I would have some shit that I would have allocated to me. I had a gift card to the licqour store that I was initally upset about then stopped because participating in that was bullshit and ended up giving it to my sister. What would have been best is to completely throw it out... holy shit I am fearing greatly my participation in life as I am now looking at all the bullshit that I participate within the day. I used the fact that I gave her that giftcard to get her to buy me cigarettes. I smoked one and stood up within myself creating the decision for and as myself separate from beliefs to stop. I left the pack in her car(e) <-- typo and gave them to her.

At Stephens house me my sister and him got into an argument about my participation in desteni. I was very angry in this because the phrase it has been and will always be came up and I reacted to this in anger...Intense anger. I was not sharing myself in the conversation only yelling....only shouting AT them. So that went nowhere really and their main point was that of fear for me for losing my number within society. They reacted to the fact that I give them money and that they asked for my passport...believing that People will steal my identity Now that I am looking at myself within my day I can see the shit that I participate in and would normally become very judgemental at myself but am grateful right now for ITD.

Enjoy Paul.

Sleep and Distractions

I slept for 12 hours today. I was planning on sleeping for 4...yesterday as I went out for a cigarette I thought about sleep. I thought about how I would apply myself within sleep. I was thinking about how I have been effective for sleeping no more than 6 hours a night for 5 days, within this the thought came up of since I have been effective I must now be uneffective*. And then a fear arose within me of sinse I thought that thought it has the potential to manifest. I was talking to myself saying no I will sleep only 4 hours and use breath to wake me up and move myself. I got tired around 10:30 and started to lay down and watch videos. I set my alarm clock for 2:30am and fell asleep. I do not remember exactly turning it off when it went off all I know is that I did. I remember pressing the button to stop it but I do not remember any thoughts that were going in my head and obviously I did not use my breath to wake myself up. When I did wake up I was unhappy with myself in not waking up from sleeping 4 hours. This is a point of judgment and expectations. I expect myself to sleep that amount of time. I have not looked at it. I was unaware of myself stopping the alarm and falling back  to sleep. I did this unconsciously. I am not sure why this was for, I do not think I needed the sleep, My cold has seemed to disappear, I did not feel completely fatigued. It was a point where I did not stand up in. I did not create a point to actually wake up. I allowed myself to sleep in and access my unconscious to allow myself to further sleep without being aware of my actions so that I wouldn't have to `take responsibility`.

After waking up and going through the routine, I went on the internet to check up on I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a baby and to fear being treated like a baby. Right now Mymom is speaking to the dog in a baby voice, and I am having a reaction of I fucking hate that tonality. Because I do not want to be treated like a baby and I dislike it because Parents have allowed a belief that one is superior to a baby because they cannot understand them. Fuck I hate that shit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from babies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear patronization. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being babied. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be loved like a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse of life through allowing inferiority and superiority beliefs and constructs.
Back to the topic. I have been playing Runescape and I want to Run Escape from this world by playing video games. I want to escape from myself by/through playing video games. I have been distracting myself with these video games from my life. I was watching a video and trying to read while playing this game and it is not effective in any way. What was interesting is that as I tried to open up a link from the ITD program is asked me to log off the game so that it could open up the link. I declined and tried to find a solution around this. So I am not willing to give up the game because it gives me something to focus on instead of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my hate for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and escape from facing myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself and stand here looking inwards and facing myself as what I have become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have become. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move through and face that which I have become re-moving myself to acting within what is best for all. Obviously video games are not useful in anyway and only exist as a distraction point for many people.