Judging myself on Grammar, and Popularity

Judging myself with Grammar.


So this revolves around and within Intelligence and Sophistication Believing it to be valuable. I believe that intelligence and sophistication has power within/as it, so I have started to define myself as this to try and make myself believe that I have some type of power over others. This is within Ego. So from when I remember I was not that popular…desiring popularity I started to make myself look for another type of power….one that opposites popularity. That I saw was intelligence, Sophistication. Someone who does not have a lot of friends is always intelligent or sophisticated…and all that high-class shit. So I have tried to uphold the image of myself being intelligent or sophisticated by Judging myself for speaking ill, not speaking according to the definition that I hold within/as sophistication/intelligence. This is all for a form of control of myself so that I can hold myself to only being this definition for power, I control myself by judging myself so that I become that which I judge, so for example if I use a word that does not match my definition of intelligence/sophistication, I judge myself for it making myself feel bad for using it, and not wanting to `feel bad` I then try and not use it again thus controlling myself to become that definition of intelligence/sophistication. Again I want to be perceived as intelligent/sophisticated so that I can not feel inferior to people to have friends, to people who are popular, so that I can use my `knowledge/intelligence` to prove to them that I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to people who are popular, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for/as/by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be popular, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be significant.

So I have tried to gain the perception of being intelligent/sophisticated to gain power over people who are popular as I saw them as stupid, as being dumb, as purposely talking about Tv, Women, And other things as such, So I surrounded myself with investigating things, looking into the world, and this started off with conspiracy theories, and thus within that I tried to hold my belief of being superior through/as knowledge to those who were popular, believing that I am significant for knowing this and that they are less than for not. As well I held this for emergency situations lol of feeling inferior where I could go into my data bank of knowledge and `say` something, more like repeat something to make me sound intelligent in which I hope the other would feel the same and thus I would not feel inferior to another person, so I have felt inferior to people who I have seen as more intelligent than me, trying to find more information and knowledge so that I could spit more meaningless shit to uphold the image of me being superior through the belief of me being intelligent/sophisticated. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to speak from myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use myself to speak. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as valuable within/as words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take credit for other words spoken, then repeating them as my own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others ideas as my own and trying to make myself sound intelligent/sophisticated .

Judging myself for not being popular.

I have judged myself for not being popular/ not having friends. I have seen friends as support and that one is accepted through/by having friends. I have judged and valued myself as less than people who have friends as I have seen friends as valuable. That I am valued by having friends…as having more friends is like having more `support` for self, Thus being valuable..having others support you because of the belief of Value….That is why we have politicians and leaders, because we value them and support them. So I have judged myself as being inferior/not valuable because I was never `able` to accumulate friends. But knowing the friend structure, it is just a game of pointless talk, there is no support there for life, No one talks about life the whole friendship construct is blinding for me…I do not think about life I do not exist as life, I am a personality, trying to be personable trying to be accepted when I am `friendly`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value popularity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friends. I forgive myself that I have nto accepted and allowed myself to see friends as people. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from people within using the definition of friends. Again…a bit of procrastination so I have lost my place.

I have judged myself for not being popular. I have believed myself to be less than people who have friends. I have seen them as more important as theygot more attention than me, so being popular is about wanting attention. I have desired attention to feed my ego. Again this process always ends up about humbleness, to not care about whether you get attention or not getting attention that you remain stable as yourself within any situation, that is really cool. Again I have written about this point within desiring support around friends….that wanting to be around friends is a point of support for me which is only a point of support for my ego, only a point of support of believing who I am. Judgment only comes from ego, to remove ego I remove all judgment all belief of what is valuable, all belief of who I am, and I just become. So popularity is just what it is, no value, humbleness exists within me, I take a hold of that humbleness and stop all of this desire of attention of ego, of supporting my ego, I support myself with breath and not energy that I create through believing myself to be who I am through validation by/other peoples reactions to my words, actions, thoughts, ideas, anything that comes from me I stop validating through other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to valuedate myself through/as others reactions towards me. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by/how other people react to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation for a belief of who I am. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be humble as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am something. I am not a belief. I only am.

BackChatting

After watching that video I had a large reaction to this within/as fear. I knew to a point that backchatting had consequences but now I understand a bit more, with the words knives, swords, stones, sticks, at how affective that it can be. I have backchatted immensely through out my life, and now fear fucking with myself. Recently I have backchatted quite a bit in regards to meeting Sally, I was not honest with myself within my starting point, the starting point was seeing it as a friend, date, etc, not person to person meeting and sharing and exploring eachothers process within desteni. That is what I put it off as, yet had ulterior motives, motive that lay under the surface…I am judging myself immensely for this point, because of the abuse that I have done. What happened within the backchatting is….ok so some of it was not backchatting, it was not `negative` or to attack…although I felt some at points of spite. Ok so most thoughts were not backchatting in the relation to judgement or negativity or attack. Some were though…What happened was that I would believe that anyone ends up judging me for the way that I am acting…but it is only my judgment of myself for not being self-directive and creating an ulterior motive, and then I think a knife, and throw it at them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to through knives/thoughts, at others for my own self-judgment, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack others through/as my own inferiority, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself ot remove myself from the situated, tied down construct of inferiority. This is what I amwithin this, tied down to my own position of inferiority trying to attack others and blame others for tying myself down. I see them as more than me and try to `cut` them down to where I reside, I forgive myself for accepting and allowin myself to resent myself as where I have placed myself. Ok so yes it id definitely out of inferiority, what just happened is that my friends whom I skateboard with are goig to a skatepark and my one friend is going and I am not, believing that I need to be invited to go, and within that I thought about typing that they are dicks, because I feel less than them as I believe that I should be invited but it is only up to me to decide whether or not to go, it is up to me to direct the situation not others to push me, as I would have said that I would not want to go as I see this as much more important. So yes it stems from me believing myself to be inferior to others, but I limit MYSELF, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my own inferiority. There are many inferiority points within me…it is a made belief that I think that they are superior to me..so it is a blatent belief of superior judgement. As well it is comparison….1 they are better than me = cooler, more intelligent, insightful, progressive, attractive, and 2 I see myself as less than and try to cut them down to my size by throwing energetical thoughts with intent to hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intend to hurt another with my thoughts! I really do not want to hurt someone, have been playing with it and it is possible to stoponly when I realize that I hurt someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts have no consequences, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can hurt someone, with my energetic possessions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others with my thoughts.


BackChatting comes from my inferiority construct, when I feel inferior or intruded upon, what happened just now is that my roommate walked in on me while I was making a sandwich…I was judging myself for making that sandwich because I just ate, and ate more..so I wanted to be left alone and not exposed, and then he came in and I wanted him out so I backchatted in my head towards him, attacking the weakest point that I see. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own judgments of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my own judgments on other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing my own judgments. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack other people if I think they will know what I am judging myself for. What I noticed is that I do not care, was not aware that I was hurting another being…I did not see consequences…I cannot see my thoughts , so I have assumed that there are no consequences but I can feel them. What I noticed is that I WAS hurting people and myself, and I came to this realization and I do not want to hurt others or myself, So I tested it out a few times and I noticed that it has become habit for me to defend myself, to attack another being, but It is my own problem…it is my inferiority that I am trying to defend yet I am actually protecting it, within attacking another with thought, I end up keeping myself in the inferiority position. As well I judge them within thinking or believing something that is a lie, like for instance religion, I have started to judge others for believing in religion, and within my mind call them ridiculous or crazy or pathetic, etc. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-righteous through believing my knowledge to be absolutely true, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my knowledge over people as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value knowledge over life. Life is a lot more valuable than something that is questionable in every moment. Life feels pain, knowledge is bullshit, I know nothing, I do not KNOW whether or not god exists, All I know is that religion has brought us all into deceit, into deceiving others and trying to make money, that Is what religion is, another money based system, so it is not their faults for believing in it, they as me have wanted to find absolution outside of myself/ourselves. So again that point is not worth it, not worth hurting life, for my righteousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right, through/by applying self-righteousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I know everything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am always right. As I was testing out this BackChatter I have a tightness In my throat – for the words that I think. They have a resonance and a consequence. I do this just to judge people like I am some all mighty motherfucker, who can decide to judge. Whomever I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to judge whomever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another because I feel inferior to them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior. Inferiority is bullshit, it does not exist as many of the things that I feel inferior for do not exist in reality, it is all valued thoughts that I have allowed myself to give value to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to thoughts or ideas. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value grammar, words, clothing, appearance, money, possessions, neatness, intelligence, sophistication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to have an idea of what is valuable within appearance, grammar, accents, clothing, hygiene, intelligence, sophistication, money, possessions, neatness, fatness, sexuality, coolness. What I realized as well is that I fear them judging me as I have judged myself yet I do not care if they judge me, when I do not care to attack them, I do not judge myself, and I realized that within me not fearing being judged I do not attack them and that I am willing to `love` them anyhow, I do not fear them, so I can still support them no matter how much they will judge as Ido not judge myself, It all comes from judging myself first and foremost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within morality. I judge on stupidity…judging myself for being stupid, judging myself for not knowing, for fearing for not being smart enough. Anything that this world has systematically disapproved of I have feared and judged myself for being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become of this world. I do not accept myself as this world any longer. Breathing is who I am. I am breath. I am not a personality designed so that I can get what I have seen as a positive polarity.