Desiring an Agreement/Relationship

As I am reading the Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self I am having a physical reaction of wanting to not face the point that I am going through as I am wanting to close the document and not face the point, What is happening is that I am thinking about having a relationship/agreement while reading this and a reaction is coming up within me of sadness and not wanting to face this sadness, within desiring an agreement yet not moving on the point. I have been desiring a relationship/agreement for a while in which stability exists. In which there is trust and honesty in while there actually is an agreement within another and me. This point comes from `love` and `support` within the context of wanting support through/as love from another for validation of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure with myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that others can validate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for others to validate myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself. Side note of looking at time and trusting myself within validation of thoughts. The reaction that I am having is in regards to sadness, the thoughts that come up are that I do not see a possible point to have an agreement I desire an agreement and yet there is no way I can move myself towards one…Like Sunette said that patience is the key within establishing an agreement. Iforgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself and stand as myself within/as patience. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live myself first and foremost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire another to support me with `love`. The reality of the situation is that I desire a relationship and I do not see a point where it can happen, thus I become sad within not being able to get what I want…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can always get what I want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should get what I want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `whine and cry` for not getting what I want. As a kid I went through the temper tantrums when I did not get what I wanted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim to get what I want. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself stable and effective. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself. Within my idea of agreement/relationship, it is an idea of happiness and positivity and love..I am having a resistance to writing the love, like I am afraid of exposing the fact that I still look forlove. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to addict myself to positivity and happiness. I have not supported myself for long enough. I have only just started to stabilize myself for/as myself. And within having an agreement I am liable to again give myselfup to another ideas/beliefs/perceptions, as I have not valued myself.I am not going to allow myself to exist like this. I am going to be patient and move on the point when it arrives in my reality, and decide then and there whether or not it will be supportive for me. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to search for an agreement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having the word and idea `love` to exist within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having a relationship, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value having a relationship/agreement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to others who are within an agreement/relationship….I justified it with the thought the they are two and I am only one. HA! I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be comfortable with myself living as myself. What is interesting is that in the beginning of writing this article I felt `Low` and that feeling is very uncomfortable for me ,and now I do not feel as low, yet still a bit uncomfortable but noticeably less than at the start of this article…I am allowing the blood flow of myself not move effectively thus allowing myself to feel cold and thus making myself feel uncomfortable and creating a physical action of trying to make myself feel comfortable by being warm but I think about this within the point of bundling up so that no one can see me and hiding, thus feeling comfortable being `hidden`. I have been reading this article more and more and there is not as much of a reaction but still feel uncomfortable.

When a female enters mylife, usually a new one, I hold onto that experience tightly, and do not want to let it go…use up all the energy I can from it. I will constantly project myself into a situation with that being in mind and think about a positive experience thus believing a relationship/agreement to be a positive experience, that would last eternally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by holding onto past memories and experiences of females….why do I desire a female greatly, to be in my life? It is obviously motherly related in the sense that I have been supported by her for my entire life until six months ago, and within desiring an agreement/relationship it is revolving around support, so I believe that A female will support me and desire to be supported as I do not need to take responsibility within being supported, or I believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to take responsibility for myself when in an agreement/relationship. I forgive myself that I have in the past not taken responsibility for myself within a relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female to support me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself as myself for myself. I forgive myself to define females as females. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define females as beings/life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by females, thus not allowing myself to approach a female. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist approaching females through fear of not being accepted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be and feel inferior to females as I was beat by my mother as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the experience of me being beat as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being physically/emotionally hurt by females, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame females for my physical pain and/or emotional pain.

Being alone and Work

When I am alone, I start to think rapidly, I start to project myself into conversations with people, I start to involve myself within ego and think according to ego. This all exists within work…I can still exist the same way when I am alone and not working. I start to become very aggravated with myself…I try and stop and fail ove rand over again, and within the there obviously is friction and then I create a negative energy…cool did not see that before. When I am alone..from looking at the past, I start to think immediately out of fear. I fear being alone, and fear my application of myself when I am alone I fear not being good enough to support me. I fear a lot when I am alone and try to escape that fear by becoming tense and thinking a lot to take myself away from being here. So today while working I was looking at this, and when someone would ask me a question or I would converse with someone then I would HOLD on to that conversation and place it as a memory and replay it because it was holding onto that person within that I was holding onto that moment of not being alone. I noticed that when I knew that someone would be around me for a while in which I could express myself the way I think I am…For instance when a outside worker for Nestle came and helped out for a bit I started to talk to her as a being not a worker and allowed myself to not fear being seen as a bad worker but as a human. And within this I thought that I was expressing myself the way I am..and within this I became relaxed and stopped fighting with myself and stopped thinking. I stopped thinking rapidly within that moment of knowing that I have company as many of my thoughts were conversations or projectional. I noticed that it was because I believed that I now how company to exist with me and support me. After she left I went back into my mind and warred with myself again…This point is from support. My forgiveness was on the point that t revolves around…me supporting me and fearing supporting me, as I have had others to support me for my life until just recently. So what happens is that when I am alone I become very tense and constricted and I am trying to in every moment control myself in what I believe I have to do or what is best for me. I am contantly thinking about having to do, and I must do, and trying to figure out how the future is going to happen so that I can be prepared and then not have to worry about it = bullshit. I noticed that when Ithought about knowing that I am going to be around my mother/sister/father/friend in a future point, I become relaxed in that I can wait for them to support myself and them to support me. I literally wait. I have not ate before because I was going to get supported by food from another in a future point. This is why I am angry within work, because I am not trusting myself to support myself through/as work. I fear not being good enough to keep the job thus not being able to support myself…What a parent would go through with these same thoughts would be horrendous. I fear not being `capable` of supporting myself. I fear myself allowing myself to allow myself to die….Like I fear not being able to support myself monetarily and eating right and living so I constantly project myself to escape the fact that I have to support myself, that I must take responsibility for myself in every moment. I become very tense when I am alone. I was unaware of this tenseness before and therefore I was unaware of the fear…this is cool to see. The physical directly relates to the mental. I purposely made myself believe that I was going to meet my dad later in the day today, and I completely relaxed within that moment, relaxed with the sense of I no longer need to support myself in every moment, that I have him to support me, and that I can let go of all these worries and fears that I hold onto. It obviously is a fear of not being able to support myself, and a reliance on others to support me and the fact that I trust them to support me in what is best for me, and that I do not trust myself to support myself in what is best for me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to support my life, my existence. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the fact that I have demonstrated that I can support my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a programmed belief that I cannot support myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others, mainly family and friends, to support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on supporting myself as life, through allowing others to support me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others will stop me if I am going to fall. I feel that I need to be prepared and plan out for the future so that I do not `lose` myself, lose my personality. Within that I believe that I need to prepare myself in who I believe myself to be so that I can keep who I believe myself to be within as personality as I am projecting from the past as who I am….Thank you Sally. When I project it is out of a fear of not being able to keep myself the way that I am used to…that I must `improvise` within the moment of not being prepared, that I cannot rely on my knowledge of myself to support me within knowing how I will be within that moment so that I can be prepared within KNOWING how I will be, thus not allowing myself to be myself as life within the moment. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the idea/knowledge of who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the knowledge of who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am knowledge. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as knowledge.