Daily Writing

Writing has assisted me immensely. Especially writing out one topic/point each day. Writing out my desire within cigarettes I was able to remove all wants and desires to have a cigarette. Each time I wrote a new article of cigarettes more points came up, so I could see more points and expand on more points each time I talked or wrote about myself within as desiring a cigarette. Through writing the point out like this I am able to see the point when desiring a cigarette, before I would only see and move on the fact that I was desiring a cigarette, now I can see the feeling related to it, and remove that feeling. Writing has assisted me immensely, this whole sharing process has assisted me immensely, I was able to work through the point of wanting to be supported yesterday through talking it out with myself, and speaking and sharing it whenever I could. I am ABSOLUTELY grateful for everything that desteni offers. I would not be able to stop if it was not for the existence of desteni. I am experiencing energetics related to gratefulness towards desteni…like `choking` up and wanting to cry…I understand now Bella. She was trying to explain that to me before, and now experiencing it I now understand…simple.

Through writing and sharing I have been able to take on many points within mylife and share it , as well I have been able to push past points of feeling inferior to myself by sharing myself….shame and embarrassment are what I felt inferior within, and I have been able to share points where I have had shame and embarrassment, and moved through it, through writing and sharing. I really cannot express to the degree how much desteni has assisted me within looking at my life. I enjoy this immensely and have gotten rid of a lot of my fears within sharing myself…I remember now that being around people was one of my biggest fears, I feared now saying the `right` thing, not being liked, because of an idea of who I was, and within sharing myself I see that the idea was not real, and now I can socialize much easier, and I do not FEAR sharing myself…I wrote fear in capitals because that fear of my around other people was a large point that controlled my expression, and limited me greatly.

When writing and sharing I have been able to find out how to stop. I have been finding out so much about me…for instance the fear of being alone is a point that I have just written/spoken/shared about. Through writing about the point I was able to find many points that was not seeing previously. I could only see the main point which was that I was participating in my mind constantly….like the cigarette point where I would only see the fact that I wanted a cigarette. Through writing out being alone, I noticed that my body was completely tense, from fear. And when I would be around someone who I `knew` I would relax, my body would not be tense. Through writing this out I was able to see that I was fearing myself and my ability to support myself, and through noticing that fear I was able to notice my body being tense…I was not aware before I wrote that my body was tense.

Writing has assisted me to an Nth degree. From my experience from writing I would recommend that you write as well, and be honest to yourself, and do not fear sharing anything….that one thing that you do fear is where you will find another opening to yourself.

Stress and Work

Stress within work


Watching sunettes video about stress a thought came up of “How can I do this during work”. This thought came up because Both of my jobs are time constrained and I must really rush myself in each moment to get things done…well that is how I have approached the problem. That is how I have become a solution. Each time I have worked before I created stress is that I would take it easy on myself and try and enjoy the time I have within breathing and moving and thinking within my comfort zone unfortunately. I would take my time and relax and enjoy but then I got written up for poor performance and I started to fear for my job fear for money so I started to rush myself to try and get the things that they ask me to get done. Both jobs this has happened where Time is being pushed and I am fearing for my survival more and more which is bullshit because death is much more pleasant then stress. So what has happened is that I have to rush now to try and get as much done as possible within the one job so that we make the `time` allotted to us. But what is extremely fucked up is that the store opens now a half hour earlier and it is Christmas time so we are getting more stock…we open boxes of clothes in the morning that are transported to the store, and are expected to get them all open and sorted in the time allotted, but they have given us more product to open and less time to open is and are still expecting us to get t done properly. And right now my survival is dependant on these jobs so I am obviously living this bullshit out that I have created. I have been wanting to experience what people have to go through so that I can and ezperience what they do. So I have now experienced the fear of surviving and what we do to push ourselves to force ourselves to make money to survive, Which is fucking crazy. So there is a lot of stress and I was thinking about how to apply myself within this and that is I must not care for 1 and just breathe and move for 2. I cannot judge myself based on how much I get done…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the belief of how well I work. I must realize and I will start to spply realizing myself within breath while working and write down any and all reactions to my job…believing that I can’t do it etc. Right now Even before I have tried I believe that I cannot do it because eof the personality that I move into and as as I participate in work. The grocery store job I must be absolutely effective in Directing myself in every moment to become effective in that job…that is how I can overcome and remove stress in that job. That will be interesting and I think I cannot have music with me to achieve that. Because my mind goes straight to the words within the song and I focus on that and not where I must direct myself in each moment. So that is how to do it I will apply myself tomorrow and remember to apply breath I each moment. I will start applying it within the walk to work and not stress about anything simply be here in the moment and direct myself accordingly. Ok so one thing that I have noticed that I have blamed it on is I inhale all this dirt and dust from the boxes and after a while my stomach hurts, but that could definitely be from the thoughts and the feelings f stress I put on myself because I have asked another and he said that he does not feel this. So it is me not the boxes. Anyhow after this feeling comes on I do not move myself as fast…I completely and utterly want to let go, want to stop working then and there. I feel physically ill and I do not want to continue with working with the feeling. So I will see what I am thinking whenI am working and write it down.