Light and Physicality and bullshit lol

Mar 21st 2011 10:10


I just allowed myself to go into my mind. I was looking for something to attach myself to memory wise = sweet food, Cigarettes, Tv, Video games, Things of that Nature. I was allowing myself t stray away from myself within breath again, within the physical touch.

I am here in this moment as the movement within the pen here writing with me as me assisting and supporting me unconditionally ( I am copying this from My notebook)

So this light thing. Knowing about the white light – this actual Light is blocking me. Everything that I see is the information that is coded and reflected back to me with light (I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame light for my sight.) The Light that I see is specifically directed towards me. I am blinded by this Light. I cannot see the information that exists, so My physical Eyes are untrustworthy. I must and probably can use my minds eye, But I am too much enslaved for that right now. SO I am going to stick to the physical touch and movement for right now. But yes there is a bright light stopping me from seeing what is here.

The physical is definitely Real the Image is not. The picture representation that I see is not real, but th actual paper and pen and friction and hand are real, but the image seen/shown is not real it does not exist like that I can feel its existence. But there are no Words for it so Simply I cannot word it, I can only feel it as me here.
I am enslave me, the light does not enslave me

Feeling more Than I am and forgiveness

Mar 15th 2011 5:06am


I have been backchatting more fererishly this morning. I am excited to be involved in desteni private forum and I am starting to believe myself to be more than I am. I do not accept this to continue. I am the same here as I always have been, I am here within breath. I am not more than myself I am not less. I am here. I am not more than another being. I do not accept myself continuing in this thought pattern I stop I breathe I am here. This came from excitement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excitement to gain a positive egotistical energy

I stop I breathe

I am the same here as I have always been

I am not more or less I am the same here and always will be.

I am comparing myself to other desteni members. Placing myself as more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other desteni members

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I am not process

Others are not process

I am not more within process

I am the same here

there is no point that is more or less than another point

We are all equal here within breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare process

Process is not comparable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare value of life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value all life equally

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all life is equal as breath

There is no comparable value between life we are all equal here within breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that I am `excelling` at process

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that process is not definable as self, and that process has no comparable value between people

Process is the same for all and It is each

I am not allowing myself to continue this and am taking responsibility for myself.

Living in the past and looping

Mar 1st 2011 5:40pm


I am now laying down with my eyes heavy learning to type on this keyboard with a napkin wrapped around one finger. I cut myself on a cheese grater fairly deep on my `ring` finger on my right hand right on the knuckle. At the time I was washing dishes and watching tv. I was getting distracted by the tv, and not focusing on myself within breath. This has been happening all day today…I have not focused and allowed myself to fall into my mind. The start of my day was getting up and finding out that my laptop was broken. I solved it through vlogging and not limiting myself further within spending money. I was wide awake and creating happiness this morning and holding onto that happiness. I started to become frustrated with myself for holding onto that happiness. I was allowing the past to affect me. I would look at the fact that I was holding onto the past as happiness within a new moment, meaning I would stop and look at what I just did which is the past and then become angry and try and correct the past instead of unconditionally letting go. I become fearful as well, as I was able to let go immediately a few days ago and I was fearful that I would not be able to apply that again, I was too mindfucked by fear and the past to let go of anything within that moment. So I got frustrated at work. I was possessed heavily by my ego, I was constantly holding up an idea of myself and backchating that idea and then I would get frustrated at allowing myself to backchat. Always existing in the past of myself, and looping myself within that frustration. A few days ago I was able to let go of all frustration and focus on myself within the physical, so I suppose it was not real as it did not stand the test of time. I became frustrated at myself as well for not living up to my expectations of that past, meaning I was trying to re live the experience I had when I was not frustrated and allowing myself to stop backchatting and breathe.

I was in and out of breath and realizing that I was out of breath again frustrated me at the fact of `not finding` myself in breath. I was very unfocused during work, too focused on women. Women are a large distraction point for myself, and I catch myself thinking and fantasizing quite frequently. That is going to stop from here out. I am breathing through all of this shit and placing and making sure I stay in breath. There is a fear of repeating past patterns. I usually find something of myself and then `lose` it. It is usually a feeling and an experience of myself and that is what it usually is. Breathing as myself here I force myself within breath, I do not allow myself to simply breathe. It seems as though I must allow myself to breathe on my own, yet while I was breathing I was able to stop backchatting quite frequently and focus on myself in the physical, so I have trusted that result, as I ended up in breath within the physical. That was the desired outcome…It is a desire, so no I am dishonest somewhere within this application of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being in the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as myself as breath in the physical through desiring it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am and always have been here within the physical, and that it is not separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as the physical as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing myself here within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my fear of myself backchatting.

Another Responsibility and Sleeping Blog

Feb 25th 2011 1:53pm


I woke up this morning earlier than my alarm to piss. I thought about my stance on getting up when I first wake up, which is definitely what I should have done. I then excused giving up on myself with the fact that the alarm still has not gone off, and that I can still sleep more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse abusing myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through excuses. I then went back to sleep for the extra 45 min that I had. I then allowed myself to press the snooze button many times, so that I could sleep more. I used the excuse of ‘since I have done it once already then it is fine for me to do it a second, third, fourth’ etc. I got up 15 min before I had to leave, ate and left. During the walk there I was fine, I was breathing and placing myself within the physical. When I got to work, I forgot all about breath again. I started to worry about what people would think of me and if they have read my blog or not, and whether or not I am being judged on my participation within desteni. I forgot all about breath and forgiveness within those moments, and I started to get quite exhausted. I did not want to work at that moment and became physically drained from worrying to that extent. I was not even aware of this until I wrote it out. During all of this exhaustion I was blaming it on not waking up, because within going back to sleep that first moment I did not take responsibility for myself and I noticed that I was dragging my feet feeling very sluggish because I was not taking responsibility for myself. Through out the time working I would keep my mouth shut and tight, and after a while my throat starts to hurt….as well my stomach but the stomach is anther point. I look at this through not taking Response Ability, I am not allowing myself to respond to the situation at hand, I am keeping my mouth shut, not placing myself within the situation, just observing as the physical, meaning that I no longer only observe with my mind but I am not physically possessed through/as observing. Within those moments I do not feel visible…well I do not want to be visible, I want to simply observe in those moment and not participate, that is why I am dragging my feet, because I am resisting participating. Through the time working and feeling sluggish, there were times where I would take responsibility for myself and get myself out of my mind and start to breathe and place myself within/as breath and the physical, where-in I would then immediately stop being sluggish, stop dragging myself and start to direct myself. These moments only lasted for a short while before I went back into my mind with that fear of judgment. I did not apply my forgiveness and self-corrective action of realizing that I am physically here as the physical even if someone now has a different perspective on me. I gave validity to the thought and fear of being looked at differently by my co-workers, and within that I fell into my mind. I did not experience any frustration or anger, I was still being sluggish and observant and that was it. I did not want to participate in the physical = take responsibility for myself here and placing myself here and directing myself here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the thought and fear of judgment from/as another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and value that judgment and validify that judgment of myself as `real`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through any and all backchatting

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself to take responsibility for myself through speaking to people, and responding physically to the environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to systematically move myself through/as the environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question the perception of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as a perception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am within/as the physical and that I am not a perception or an idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a perception and/or an Idea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely and knowingly give up on myself within waking up when I need to

I realized that I was going into anger and blame for waking up late and disliking the situation that I was putting myself in and realized that I am responsible for the situation and I must walk through it as it, and correct myself. So I let go of the anger and frustration from the start…this happened as I was about to walk out my door, I realized that I created the situation through/as my actions and that I must correct it, take responsibility for it, and fix/correct it. I then applied this to the entire world, and that is why we blame others for everything in this world…We blame nature, terrorists, neighbours, animals, cars, governments, everything that is not ourselves, to either ignore our responsibility or because we are not aware of our responsibility for creating the mess on this Earth. We have not looked at this world and said fuck we have created this…how do we get out? Nope we only blame more and then allow the system to become compounded and more fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely allow myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up from being sluggish and take physical responsibility for myself within the environment I am within.



This is cause and effect. I allowed myself to sleep in as much as I could not taking responsibility for myself within the physical as needing to eat well before I go to work. Within allowing myself to sleep to the very moment where I absolutely need to get up shows not taking responsibility for myself within the physical time limits and what is best for me, meaning that was is best for me when waking up and going to work is giving myself enough time to eat digest and prepare myself entirely for work, I did not give myself that time. As well it shows that I did not want to take responsibility for myself in going to work. This is all observation and I did not stand and participate within that moment.

Letting go of Anger and Happiness.

I have been able to get over anger easier in the past few days. I would in the past sit on anger and blame all others for my own anger. The past few days I was feeling very aggitated because of my own actions and occurances within my own life.

One example is at work. I was cutting open a skid, and the skid had some product removed from it.  I thought nothing of it but when I did open it everything started to fall. Some milk spilt....lol crying over spilt milk. And other product fell and broke and I had to clean it up. I thought that one of my co-workers opened and removed the product from the boxes. I immediately blamed others for what I went through. The reality was that this was my own fault and no others. I was backchatting after this happened, and `dealing` with my anger through that. I noticed myself participating in this and stopped it and forgave it. And was able to actually get rid of the anger with using breath and forgiveness. I was trying to not take responsibility for this by thinking of smoking. I stopped that and took responsibility for my own anger and let it go. This was all related to time and work. I Was stressed that this event took up time and that I had to use all of my time effectively and that this event took away time. I was stressed that this would affect my job, and that my manager would look down on me for not getting my work done and `trust` me less to do my job. I was able to let all of this go by taking responsibility for this.

The second time I got angry was the day after. Everything was going `wrong`. I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. The sidewalks were not plowed. All of this was leading up to being late to work and again I was stressed about the whole responsibility for work. I was having trouble letting this go. I then started to do a recording. And within doing that  Iwas able to see everything that I was holding within and not allowing myself to see clearly. Again usually I would allow myself to exist in anger for hours and it would compound.
These are examples of how I have been able to now allow myself to let go of anger.

Recently I have been taking on my happiness. I am addicted to happiness. Each time I talk to a person or communicate I try and gain some type of happiness from that experience. I am always making light of a situation...=consciousness. Anyhow, what I have been doing within work is letting go of that energy immediately. I will talk and laugh with a co-worker and then immediately let it go. I have allowed that situation to replay within my mind thousand times over so that I could become happy and happy and ahppy and happy. I have been stopping this as happiness has allowed me to take myself away from what is real. Away from what is actually happening in this world, and my constant search for it is abusive unto myself. Fidelis said in a video that he uses the past to look for happiness within the present, this is exactly what I do, I do it with the immediate past and any other situation that has made me happy that I have locked into place within my mind. So I have been stopping this as it is a must.

When Ido this I have that energetical feeling within me and I breathe and `dispell` it immediately. I do not allow myself to sit on that feeling thus allowing myself to retain this happiness and `psychotic` smile upon my face. It literally is psychotic because I am smiling at nothing, only what is existent within my mind, it is not being here. Slowly I am applying myself in not participating in these happy conversations. I find it hard as it is an addiction. Slowly but surely I will get this done!