Light and Physicality and bullshit lol

Mar 21st 2011 10:10


I just allowed myself to go into my mind. I was looking for something to attach myself to memory wise = sweet food, Cigarettes, Tv, Video games, Things of that Nature. I was allowing myself t stray away from myself within breath again, within the physical touch.

I am here in this moment as the movement within the pen here writing with me as me assisting and supporting me unconditionally ( I am copying this from My notebook)

So this light thing. Knowing about the white light – this actual Light is blocking me. Everything that I see is the information that is coded and reflected back to me with light (I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame light for my sight.) The Light that I see is specifically directed towards me. I am blinded by this Light. I cannot see the information that exists, so My physical Eyes are untrustworthy. I must and probably can use my minds eye, But I am too much enslaved for that right now. SO I am going to stick to the physical touch and movement for right now. But yes there is a bright light stopping me from seeing what is here.

The physical is definitely Real the Image is not. The picture representation that I see is not real, but th actual paper and pen and friction and hand are real, but the image seen/shown is not real it does not exist like that I can feel its existence. But there are no Words for it so Simply I cannot word it, I can only feel it as me here.
I am enslave me, the light does not enslave me

Fears are the Possibilites of this Reality

Mar 10th 2011 4:36am


I am watching Joanna’s video on her hunger and the physicality and the equality of the physical. She was talking about how some will fear not having food. Now I saw within this that fear shows what is possible in this world. We must ask then why are we fearing this and why is this an accepted existence. Meaning we fear not having food, we fear not having sustenance, so we must ask then why is it possible to not have food, why is this an accepted `way of life` . Why is it possible to go without food, why is it possible to not have sustenance? As well as how. So this fear of not having food shows the reality of the world. It shows that it is possible to not have food, it shows that it is possible to go insane, it shows that in this world it is possible to not have shelter. So why are these fears accepted within reality as us. Why are we existing as these fears, why are we allowing these fears to exists both internally and externally. It is not so much a question of why but how. How is because of money, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become reliant on the amount of money we have, and that amount determines or quality of life, which is completely fucking stupid as one look at the economic system. We are all subject to this crap and limitation. I was walking through a university, and I realized that there are a lot of people in that university…how many jobs could there actually be out there that support each ones `field`. I then questioned how many people will get a job and how many people are `wasting` their money setting themselves up for disappointment. So just because one has an education does not mean that a job is readily available to oneself, we are still limited by the limitation within this world…and we accept it. We accept starvation and poverty through this system…and it is murder because it is ACCEPTED it is a CREATED reality, not a fact of life as many believe, we ACCEPT starvation through our own accepted limitation of this system, through dependency on a job to get money. If 1500 people have a University degree and there are only 1000 jobs, which is the limitation, then 500 people are left without a job, left without an income, and left to `fight for their own survival`. This world is truly merciless. And we accept that fact of limitation as a reality, we accept it as `part of life`, and that is another thing to…we believe that life is and always will be this way…HA! Many do not believe in god, but through that accepted belief it is absolutely equal to the belief of a god. Anyways life is not a set pattern, it is completely changing, and through this and through realizing that we humans have control of the planet, control of existene right now, we can create a world where we are not dependant on jobs to create an income, we aare not dependant on a limitation within the system to support ourselves as life in this physical existence…An Equal Money System solves the limitation of jobs and an income, where one is no longer dependant on a job to provide income, no longer dependant on an outside resource to provide a physical existence for oneself.

The realization that this system cannot support itself is right infront of your eyes but we are blinded by our wants and self-interests to see, so suffering will either come to you or you will realize that we are responsible for our own suffering.

Stand for all life Equally and support an Equal Money System.

Stimulation and Physicality.

Mar 6th 2011 6:46pm


I have nothing to write about in the context of myself, I have been up for 3 hours and have only been on the computer. I have not lived I am only observing, and I am looking for something to place myself into, I am looking for something to put myself into, I am thinking about smoking so that I may participate in something. I am sitting here looking for something to do, I am bored. I am waiting for work and waiting to go home to my home. I am not applying myself in areas in which I could be…I am looking to stimulate my mind. I am looking to stimulate my mind through cigarettes, skateboarding, I could be reading, but I am not. I am looking for energy. I am not participating in the physical, I am within my mind right now looking for something to attach to in which I can give myself a task within, something that is entertaining though. So this is harmful for me and I am going to read.

Morning Writing

I Have just woken up and I have been trying to write , and this trying is a physical thing. My computer keeps breaking down. So I have not been able to write…well here I am now. I got up and immediately wanted to sleep more. I still feel this way. I feel heavy, and the thought of an extra hour of sleep in a pleasure. The thought of sleep is something that I enjoy. I enjoy it as the idea of sleep, of just relaxing my body and drifting away into the mind where I do not have to be aware, or conscious. Right now I see it as a point in which I move through time, and to give into my feelings. I am feeling and feeling of weakness, in my forearms and legs, As well in the tendens within my forearms connected to my fingers. This happens when I am tired. My forearms become weak and moving my fingers becomes a bit harder, they become stiff and to move my fingers from that stiffness is weird, as if I am waking myself up through using my fingers. Because that’s what happens, I stop typing my forearms become weak and my fingers become immobile, and I start to drift off to sleep,


I woke up not too long ago took a piss in that drowsy state when waking up, and have not been fully awake for a while. I am still allowing myself to exist within a drowsy state by not breathing. Well enough of that. So I woke up took a piss and had a glass of juice. I was thinking about what to eat and or do and could not find anything to attach myself to so I decided to write. I enjoy writing tremendously, it is an absolute please to create words out of myself and place them in physical symbolized form. So I decided to write and get myself physically warm and comfortable to enjoy as much as I can out of this. I am still placing myself in that feeling of drowsy need. I do need to get up out of bed and eat something and start my day, yet I am reluctant as this is very comfortable and I enjoy it and getting out of bed means taking responsibility for myself….Looking at this I apply myself in getting out of bed and there is a large resistance to this , I want to sleep and stay here and simply close my eyes and fall away. It sounds pleasurable, falling away from this reality…but my mind is not real, I do have to let it go, I am not real within my mind, I am not real through defining myself within/as the mind. I am not real within a definition. Ok so I am getting up and eating something

So I got up, got dressed and ate and had a cup of coffee so far. Right now I feel much more awake and here. I yawned at the start as I was not aware of my movement but giving into the mind as a system to systematically move myself and not take actually responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind to not take respnsiblity for each and every movement I make wthin the physical reality as well as mental reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind, allowing the system I have created and am responsible for to direct me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself here in each and every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through not placing myself and directing myself here in EACH moment within/as breath as me as life.

I am glad that I woke myself up today. Writing out write now is a pleasure. As well I am glad because I have struggles with this point, and now I see I only allow myself to struggle with this point because I simply do not want to give it up…that is why I know that I am going to give up happiness because I want to now let it go and I now can let it go because I do not want to hold onto it any longer, so what is interesting is that I no longer experience frustration when I participate in memories of happiness, I simply stop and place myself here and continue because I know that I do not want to hold onto it so I let it go by not getting frustrated over it which is completely cool.



This computer has now become un-reliable. It keeps on freezing…the image does at least. There is something wrong with the power cord plug in. So I either get it fixed or buy a new one…I am drawn to buying a new one as I see it as being a lot more useful in terms of performance and productivity…but really I simply want a new laptop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through using ideas and words to justify my wants. So yes I simply want one, now I must save to get there. I do not have a lot of money left for spending so I am going to have to wait and really save my money.

Seriously?!

I am not seeing the physical istuation I am only seeing the mental. Meaning that I am seeing the mental side of things when I look at a being I am not registering the fact that they need to eat, breath, and have shelter over their heads all I fcking see it the clothing, the appearance of them I see intelligence, or lak there of, I see age, I see discrimination, I see separation of myself from the fact that I need to eat. I mean !!! seriously? Was that what I was missing? It is. I could not get myself out of this point lol this is sad from the fact that I separated myself from life that much. We all need to eat we all need to breathe! Jesus this is so obvious but I have been trying to think my way ot of this shit only digging myself deeper. I still think about the appearance and how they `appear` to me. I have been thinking of and as the mind trying to find a difference from each person to the next not looking for similarities always trying to define and separate so that is what I have done to myself = separated myself from life, from breath, from eating, from everything that supports my life.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind that I did not allow myself to see/realize that All beings need to eat, that all beings need to breathe, that all beings feel pain, that all beings need to be supported. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see every human as they `appear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as I appear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to define appearance. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that all beings no matter what need to eat, the must breathe, that I am equal to them in breath, that there is no difference between me and them within breath. So if I have disregarded this fact within other people I have disregarded it within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to not be aware that each breath supports my life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need each breath for my life. I forgive myself to create this living experience through/as breath. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath life into me and let go within exhaling. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that each breath is me as my life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath in each moment allowing myself to create and direct each moment. I forgive mself that I have given up my breath to thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support thoughts through breathing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not changing. I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself by giving myself breath, food, shelter, to support myself as life. I forgive myelf that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe, eat, live, through and as thoughts supports thoughts, supporting the system, supporting my own enslavement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing others to not realize that all beings need to eat thus allowing starvation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat for taste. I forgive myself tat I have not accepted and allowed myself to eat for sustaining my life here in the physical. What did I create of myself! I have become the system entirely within looking at this. Every part of the system I am or have become. To the extent that I am not AWARE that I need to eat as all others to sustain my life. That I have never ate to sustain my life it has all about pleasing the mind/the system. Well enough of this we all need to eat we all breathe we are all the same within this physical life, I have been hearing the words but have not lived them as I have not lived a breath only what I believe to have been living a breath. I am breathing to support my life in each and every breath. Fucking crazy I am for not seeing this. And I feel embarrassed for this but it doesn’t matter as embarrassment does not support life. I forgive myself that I have not been aware that I need to breathe and eat to support my life

Sharing my Life

Right now I am working 2 jobs that I do not really mind, I was getting very low hours and decided to switch positions to a facilities shift at the clothing store job, meaning that I clean the washrooms and floors. This position provides guaranteed hours which I like and need, and the work I enjoy as well I move at my own pace and there is absolutely no stress that I create. So that is one job the other is a grocery store job in which things have been rocky. I cannot get done much of the work that they ask me to do, and I feel worried about that believing that I need to get done everything that they ask or they will be frustrated with me. That job I have backchatted within a lot and the consequences are now coming out. They are required to cut hours, and that is what has been done…For the week of Feb 16 I have no hours. If that continues for 4 weeks I get laid off. So I have been directing that point and When I opened up my email I had a job offer from a kijiji add I posted a while ago, so that was perfect timing. I have options here. I can transfer from the one store that I am at to another store where I will get more hours, or I can follow this new job. This new job sounded cool where they are a business that helps middle-class families help allocate their monies, and I suppose sell products that help with that, They do not push their products they only want to help… which is really cool. So that is an opportunity. But the point is that having the grocery store job I will have benefits after another 1 ½ of working there and all of my medicines will be covered 100% which will be very helpful as I am not using some of the tools available because of the expense of them. I am wanting to keep the grocery store job and am going to look into switching stores as my clothing store job is in a mall that has the same grocery store so that could work out pretty well.


That is one point that is going on, another point that is semi-related is my family. I asked my sister to put a word in for me at her store as she works at the same grocery store that is in the mall that my clothing store job is in…fuck it I am going to name names. Clothing store = Old Navy, Grocery store = Zehrs. So I asked her to do that for me and told her that I am going in to talk with a manager from that Zehrs the next time I work at Old Navy, she said that that was not a good idea because they are busy and that I should not pester them…looking at those words she is hiding something, or has a different reason, as they are nto really busy because it is the beginning of the year and all stores are pretty slow. Her reaction most likely is coming from my response to my dad. He sent me a facebook message saying that a smile takes a lot less energy and muscle, and this had been continuing on for sometime….him saying that I need to smile more and that this world isn’t as bad as I say it is, and that there is love and such other positivities, to which I replied that this is unacceptable and that I am not going to smile because you want me to, just to give him some satisfaction of trying to keep me away from the shit in this world, as all parents do. So this whole point has been revolving around my family. My mother is cool with who I am and does not impose too much shit onto me, but my father and sister are one and the same, trying to get me to smile and stop being so `negative`, to which I have been saying fuck off recently to. So I laughed when my sister told me not to pester them because she has been preaching unconditional love and family love for quite a long time to me, and that I should love my family because they are my family. She shows no unconditional love in her trying to keep me away from her…that is most likely the reason, she will not want me working around her, and most likely does not want to see me. This point has been around since I started to participate in and watch desteni videos. My mother over time `gave` in and noticed that this was helping me. My mother gave in because I have been around her since I started, so she has been able to notice a change and since I have been living this now I am able to explain it better to her and talk easier about it. My Father and Sister are still held down by their belief of what desteni is and dislike me participating in it, because of their belief of what it is. So there has been a conflict within my family but slowly they are starting to accept me for what I am doing and not trying to impose anything on me and allowing me to express myself. Slowly they are starting to stop pushing their views onto me.

My physical life is easy, and my mental side is difficult. I was watching a interview from a being (not sure which who) through the portal, and they said that everyone will have an easy mental life and difficult physical life or the other way around to have that polarity of things. So my mental is what I have been dealing with for some time now, trying to figure everything out by thinking, which I have realized does not work, and that only breath can assist me In seeing clearly. I have been trying to figure out my life through thinking, so I have not been looking at the situation clearly, I have not been using common sense to see where I currently am within my participation in this world/system/life. The mental is what I have been focusing on, and trying to get through, as my physical position is enough to support me as life. My life at the moment is ok, I have been working through stress and emotions and feelings to get to me, for me to support me, and working on equalizing myself to the physical as me.

Sleeping and Escape

Recently I have been sleeping more for the want to escape myself in this reality and taking responsibility for myself in this reality. It has gotten worse and worse, and I am taking on this point because it has reached a point where it is getting close to tipping and fucking up my life. I have been sleeping to escape the fact that I am here. I have been staying asleep because I do not want to face myself in this reality. All of these points are coming back…I was sleeping 4-6 hours no problem before, and was not neglecting it, only recently have I started to sleep more again, and the only reason I can see is to learn acting for myself and not for others. Recently when sleeping 4-6 hours it was to prove that I could and not that I am no longer doing this myself is coming into the equation, that now I actually have to sleep 4-6 hours for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and prove myself to others as being who I want myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act from a mind possession, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do things for myself. And this is what is happening now. There are a lot of things to do in a day now for me with taking on this writing project and work, and other little things that come up and sleeping the way I am sleeping now is making it incredibly hard for me to manage my time effectively. If I were to sleep only 4-6 hours it would start to become much easier for me. When I become tired I try to find ways to stop being tired by eating or drinking coffee but none of that works, it is from within and I must change within first then the without changes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that changing the outside will change myself inside, and yes it will to a certain point but this comes from within so it must be solved from within. When I am sleepy I do not want to move through what I am trying to do, so for example doing this right now if I were to become sleepy I would not want to move myself through the time that it takes to write myself out here. I would then think about how to escape this and I have used sleep to escape time before so I then become sleepy to help myself escape this time. It doesn’t work though because I have to move myself through this to get to being done I cannot sleep and somehow this magically becomes done, that is delusional and stupid, I have come to realize that all desires are completely revolving around stupidity and delusions. Sleeping comes from a want to escape, as well as many other mind manifestations. So when I was sleeping 4-6 hours I did not sleep to escape I slept to sleep, and I have started to compound sleeping to escape again and to not face myself and this has been compounding and now it is hard to get up in the morning for self, If I have to work then it is easy. Even things that I HAVE to do like, a few weeks ago I had to pay rent, and I was planning to get up early so that I could get what I needed to do done and then move myself to the bank and get my rent, even within this I became lazy and procrastinated, I wanted to stay in bed and not face this reality, I wanted to hold onto being unconscious, I wanted to hold onto not being aware. I wanted to hold onto being unconscious because then I do not need to accept or take anything into consideration….the free will shit still exists within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief and application of free will. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are no consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for me. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality by participating in my mind.


The escape point is relevant even when awake. When commuting or moving myself through time/space…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape time and space by participating in thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs….I do not want to face the fact that it is going to take time and space to get to point B. Within this I will start to think about ideas and beliefs, and start to participate in projections within/as ego to ignore the fact that I am here. This is who I have become ignorant of who I really am, and wanting to be something else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore who I amreally am as life here equal to all live living here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a belief of who I want to be and try to maintain that belief.

Escaping comes from wanting to not face time. Not wanting to face myself within time and space, comes from not wanting to take responsibility for myself here in this reality. Not wanting to take responsibility for this reality as my reality.

Escaping Is what I have to used to solve my wants of not wanting to take responsibility and not wanting to face time and space construct. This is what I have become and I am changing this. Breathing absolutely puts me here in every moment.