Feeling As Though I Am Not Ready Within Time

I am hesitating going to work. I find that me working the afternoon shift, I hesitate before working. While working the day shift I had no time to contemplate going to work, I got up did my shit, I had a schedule which is important to note, I followed my morning routine and then went to work, no questions, no thoughts just actions. I find that me working the afternoon shift I have time to contemplate going to work, I find that I am not managing my time as well, meaning my contemplation towards going to work stems from a consideration of what to do with my time before work. And I am finding that the thought comes up of `I do not have enough time`. So I must create a routine and a schedule so that I am able to use all of my time before work effectively. As right now I am not sure how to manage my time before work, and within this I am projecting not having enough time to do the things that I am wanting to do. So a schedule is a must and a sticking to that schedule is a must as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist creating and living by a schedule to manage my time effectively before work
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my time a question of what to do with the time that I have before work
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stick to a schedule
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waver from a schedule that I have created to manage my time as effectively as possible
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what to do with my time before work instead of doing what is necessary within the moments/time before I work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contemplate about what I must/have to/want to do before work, and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to come to a decision on what I am/am not going to do before work allowing myself to leave my time `open` and thus allowing a questioning and a doubt of what to do with my time before work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question what I shall do before work instead of coming to a complete decision
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to contemplate on what I should or should not give my attention within/as time towards throughout the time that I have to `spare` before work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must do things to stabilize myself before work, to get to a point whih I FEEL as if I am done and now am ready to go to work, when in fact my time is only my itme, when my time and my actions are not relative to how I `feel` towards being ready for work or not, I create my own readiness for work through/as taking responsibility for getting ready for work, and thus it is not about what I should or should not do before work but simply my preparedness for work.

Helping build a Well Educated Work-Force

I have been reading the Province of Ontario’s budget plan for next year. One thing that they have been mentioning is re-building schools and upgrading them as well with a full year for kindergarteners.

One sentence pops out at me that I just read. “Ontario is also investing in full-day kindergarten for four- and five-year-olds

as part of the Province’s plan to build a well-educated workforce.” This is saying that school is here to effectively ut children into the system so that they too have to be dependent on money for survival, saying that we are going to start at an early age to feed these children knowledge so that they may have the `knowledge` to perform jobs for this system and so that they too can keep this system running just as we did when we were children, and just as we are doing now.

This showing that education is just not that = education. It is a feeding of knowledge that will only allow oneself to become effective within the system, a system of abuse, of ignorance, of hell in fact. This is stating that education is not there for educating a person unconditionally, it is saying here that the education system in only there to select feed students certain bits of information so that they may effective distribute and gain money for/as the system so that this system is prolonged because `this is all we know` `this is what we must keep and protect` and thus children are enslaved from the start to become money producers within/as select feeding them bits and pieces of knowledge.

From my experience in school and then in my search within the world for something different is interesting to me. In high school I was quite bored with all the information that was being shared, sure there was some cool stuff but nothing that really Assisted me in terms of my being, of my quality of life. The One class that I found interesting was Media Studies, where we were to examine the media and how it manipulates an individual to buy an object, product, or service, how it uses certain colours and images to influence the observer to influx a series of emotions that will allow them to associate those feelings with said product, or service. Now that is a course that assisted me in terms of life, in terms of assisting me as life to better my quality of life. That is something that I could live and thus see the manipulation and in seeing it  am not as affected by it because I KNOW it = information that I could live and test out for myself = Education. I found no other course in high school similar to Media Studies.

So Since I found school boring and I had no real interest in getting my grades high as I saw them as irrelevant in that time, I started t investigate other things, things that they did not teach in school. I started looking at Esoteric Knowledge, which is knowledge that is not commonly held by people. Eventually this searching through esoteric knowledge lead me upon Desteni which has assisted me tremendously in terms of my quality of life, provided me information to live and see the system for what it really is, see myself for what I really am. It has allowed me to understand the sentence “Ontario is also investing in full-day kindergarten for four- and five-year-olds as part of the Province’s plan to build a well-educated workforce.” Where before I would not have understood that, I would not have looked behind what the words are saying, what the words are meaning, I would have only took the face value of those words, but there are many layers to everything in this world.

This education system is not here to support us as life to understand ourselves as life, how to treat life equally to ourselves as this Earth, it is here for giving select bits and pieces of knowledge to influence the children of this Earth so that they too can become infused within/as this system and thus support this system so that the system survives, not life, as life is being destroyed, corrupted, abused, manipulated in this current system. Life is Far from being supported within this current system, and that is what the current educational process that we will or have been though leads to = further support of this system of abuse, harm, destruction, rape.

Stress and Work

Stress within work


Watching sunettes video about stress a thought came up of “How can I do this during work”. This thought came up because Both of my jobs are time constrained and I must really rush myself in each moment to get things done…well that is how I have approached the problem. That is how I have become a solution. Each time I have worked before I created stress is that I would take it easy on myself and try and enjoy the time I have within breathing and moving and thinking within my comfort zone unfortunately. I would take my time and relax and enjoy but then I got written up for poor performance and I started to fear for my job fear for money so I started to rush myself to try and get the things that they ask me to get done. Both jobs this has happened where Time is being pushed and I am fearing for my survival more and more which is bullshit because death is much more pleasant then stress. So what has happened is that I have to rush now to try and get as much done as possible within the one job so that we make the `time` allotted to us. But what is extremely fucked up is that the store opens now a half hour earlier and it is Christmas time so we are getting more stock…we open boxes of clothes in the morning that are transported to the store, and are expected to get them all open and sorted in the time allotted, but they have given us more product to open and less time to open is and are still expecting us to get t done properly. And right now my survival is dependant on these jobs so I am obviously living this bullshit out that I have created. I have been wanting to experience what people have to go through so that I can and ezperience what they do. So I have now experienced the fear of surviving and what we do to push ourselves to force ourselves to make money to survive, Which is fucking crazy. So there is a lot of stress and I was thinking about how to apply myself within this and that is I must not care for 1 and just breathe and move for 2. I cannot judge myself based on how much I get done…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the belief of how well I work. I must realize and I will start to spply realizing myself within breath while working and write down any and all reactions to my job…believing that I can’t do it etc. Right now Even before I have tried I believe that I cannot do it because eof the personality that I move into and as as I participate in work. The grocery store job I must be absolutely effective in Directing myself in every moment to become effective in that job…that is how I can overcome and remove stress in that job. That will be interesting and I think I cannot have music with me to achieve that. Because my mind goes straight to the words within the song and I focus on that and not where I must direct myself in each moment. So that is how to do it I will apply myself tomorrow and remember to apply breath I each moment. I will start applying it within the walk to work and not stress about anything simply be here in the moment and direct myself accordingly. Ok so one thing that I have noticed that I have blamed it on is I inhale all this dirt and dust from the boxes and after a while my stomach hurts, but that could definitely be from the thoughts and the feelings f stress I put on myself because I have asked another and he said that he does not feel this. So it is me not the boxes. Anyhow after this feeling comes on I do not move myself as fast…I completely and utterly want to let go, want to stop working then and there. I feel physically ill and I do not want to continue with working with the feeling. So I will see what I am thinking whenI am working and write it down.