Still in a Pattern

I started to read my writings from a few months ago and noticed that I am still writing about the same points as I was then. I am still writing on cigarettes, responsibility, using standing or the idea of standing to boost my ego, still wanting to be good, feeling alone, not standing alone. On that point I realized that it is not a fear of being alone it is a fear of standing. I feared standing alone. I feared standing because within standing I stand alone, it is a part of standing for me so I feared standing with the fear of being alone. So when I have written or write that I fear being alone, I fear simply standing alone. Each time I felt alone I have been around people and have wanted to stay around them and as soon as they left my company that feeling came over me. I feared standing in that moment for myself. I was relying on other people to be around me to stand with me and I would use them as support for myself standing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others as support for standing.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand for myself as myself by myself.
I realize that in order to truly stand I have to stand for myself in each moment.

I am still within a loop with most of these points.

Re-reading my posts and writings is something that is not developed within/as me. Each time I would post something I would simply press a button and not re-read it or check it over for mistakes, dishonesites, deception, or lies. And within this I am not correcting. I have been pushing forward within a circular path, so I always ended up at the same point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not correct myself, pushing through the resistance
I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to not re-read my writings checking myself over for dis-honesties, deception, and misleadings, or mistakes, again pushing through the resistances
I realize that my re-reading and watching vlogs is a relation to me correcting myself.
It is a symbolization of my application of correcting myself.
I literally do not read myself over. I resist looking at the words. I resist watching the entire video, checking myself over for mistakes, and things that I missed while I was speaking.
My self correction is not developed well. How do I correct my self-correction? I correct simply.

Make! Believe

Mar 19th 2011 1:20pm


After work I notice that I am quite exhausted. I struggle to participate here. I lose myself within my mind and this is the consequence of allowing myself to move into psychosis which again will take time and effort to correct. So within psychosis I would take words and sounds and make a definition that I wanted to hear or that was already programmed within me. I would take words within music and direct them towards me and use my own words and definitions to create a belief of what it meant to me regarding my life. I went heavy into this creating beliefs that I am god, antichrist, jesus, the devil, much polarized beliefs and I played with myself heavily within that sending myself through massive highs and lows. Anyhow the point is that I made myself hear what I wanted to here, and this is what I do at work. I place myself in a desired position instead of here, I am placing myself in la la land, not focusing on myself here, and thus it takes a lot of thought and energy to create such beliefs and ideas, so after work I become quite exhausted. After I get off work and sit down I do not know where the fuck I am. I sit down and say…shit I am here! I do not realize where I am when working, I really take myself away from here, this is a massive issue for my health. I have allowed myself to move into this through psychosis and this is the consequence of it…not being able to place myself here, I can rarely hear tv analysts, and only when my mind is `calm` can I actually participate in reading, when it is not I again place myself in a projection and/or idea. So now that I can see this clearly I am going to investigate it. And create a plan to stop this because this is seriously limiting me from being here, from realizing myself HERE. I see reading as a starting point for pushing myself through this. I am going to start to read much more, as I watch most vlogs and do not read much blogs, so I am going to start to read more blogs from other desteni members, read the news, read more material…and understand it. I am going to stop listening to music when I can, stop using music as a distraction point I will say, as well I am going to stop tv for 21 days to get myself out of IMAGEination.