Feeling more Than I am and forgiveness

Mar 15th 2011 5:06am


I have been backchatting more fererishly this morning. I am excited to be involved in desteni private forum and I am starting to believe myself to be more than I am. I do not accept this to continue. I am the same here as I always have been, I am here within breath. I am not more than myself I am not less. I am here. I am not more than another being. I do not accept myself continuing in this thought pattern I stop I breathe I am here. This came from excitement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excitement to gain a positive egotistical energy

I stop I breathe

I am the same here as I have always been

I am not more or less I am the same here and always will be.

I am comparing myself to other desteni members. Placing myself as more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other desteni members

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear backchatting

I am not process

Others are not process

I am not more within process

I am the same here

there is no point that is more or less than another point

We are all equal here within breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare process

Process is not comparable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare value of life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value all life equally

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all life is equal as breath

There is no comparable value between life we are all equal here within breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that I am `excelling` at process

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that process is not definable as self, and that process has no comparable value between people

Process is the same for all and It is each

I am not allowing myself to continue this and am taking responsibility for myself.

Greed

Greed is an affiction. Always wanting More, Through my Experience I became absolutely possessed by Greed. So I am going to start with when I was saving and searching thousands of pronographic pictures. When I was masturbating heavily, I was searching for photos when I was not actualy performing the act of. When I would get home from where-ever or whatever,  I would sit on the computer and search and save any photos that I found an attraction within. I did this endlessly. I was addicted to finding more and more and more and more, I knew that there were more out there. I kept on wanting more than what I have. This came from an experience of the internet going out due to a lightning storm...within that moment I wanted to masturbate but had no stimuli. So from there on I started saving photos for a rainy day. This ended up turning into thousands of photos. I became greedy and kept on wanting more than what I had. Within this I was not able to stop, I was doing this for masturbating which I was already addicted to and I kept allowing myself to search for more stimuli, beleiving that I do not have enough to stimulate me.

Another one is downloading movies, and again wanting more to fill a library with, and being able to search constantly for more. I search and download constantly so again I can have more. I am doing this right now. Downloading another movie so that I can add it to my collection...it is something about collecting and having more which is greed. That the more I collect the more I can blind myself with shit...I am possessed by the posessions. When I was saving photos I went through that about 4 or 5 times of saving thousands and then deleting them all. It started to become a game of how many I could download. It is a form of saving myself, defining who I am. I am saving these movies on this computer, so that I have them at a later date, so that I have who I was within this moment at a later date. I thought about deleting them and am reluctant as I have defined myself within/as the experience I created within these movies...same thing with the pictures, I defined myself according to the energetic attraction I had to the photos. Same with music, I no longer do it with music, but Many people define themselves by/as the music they listen to and only like their music. So I have defined myself according to what I have collected or what I have wanted to collect.

This goes for food as well, where I do not feel full and I want more continously. This was unstoppable when I was high...I did not stop this when I was smoking weed. I would endlessly be eating and would not stop this always creating this hunger within me. As well as Video games where I would play it endlessly, and money.

Right now I am taking on money as this encompasses the enitre form of greed within me. I am always wanting more and more money and try to not spend any and when I do have to spend it I become nervous. I recently have become greedy with money. I moved out on myown and at the start I had just enough to pay first and last rent, and had to wait for food, so now I am fearing not having any money to support myself. So I am trying to save every cent, trying to save my life, I use the word trying because it is not accomplished. This came to a point where I was abusing myself with the food that I was eating and how I was living. So I have started to allow myself to buy food whenever I need it and buy whatever food I want, not limiting myself on money. This whole thing of collecting more and mroe and more until the day comes where I cannot access it is interesting. I have not seen it clearly before. Nor do I now but it is a bit clearer.

I am only harming myself within this. I am not loving myself giving myself what is best for me which is a variety of foods and food when I need it. So simply this is going to stop. I have started to not fear spending money on what I need. Becuse I know that I have the money, I know that there really is no fear of not having it and if that time comes then I will deal with it then

BackChatting

After watching that video I had a large reaction to this within/as fear. I knew to a point that backchatting had consequences but now I understand a bit more, with the words knives, swords, stones, sticks, at how affective that it can be. I have backchatted immensely through out my life, and now fear fucking with myself. Recently I have backchatted quite a bit in regards to meeting Sally, I was not honest with myself within my starting point, the starting point was seeing it as a friend, date, etc, not person to person meeting and sharing and exploring eachothers process within desteni. That is what I put it off as, yet had ulterior motives, motive that lay under the surface…I am judging myself immensely for this point, because of the abuse that I have done. What happened within the backchatting is….ok so some of it was not backchatting, it was not `negative` or to attack…although I felt some at points of spite. Ok so most thoughts were not backchatting in the relation to judgement or negativity or attack. Some were though…What happened was that I would believe that anyone ends up judging me for the way that I am acting…but it is only my judgment of myself for not being self-directive and creating an ulterior motive, and then I think a knife, and throw it at them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to through knives/thoughts, at others for my own self-judgment, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack others through/as my own inferiority, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself ot remove myself from the situated, tied down construct of inferiority. This is what I amwithin this, tied down to my own position of inferiority trying to attack others and blame others for tying myself down. I see them as more than me and try to `cut` them down to where I reside, I forgive myself for accepting and allowin myself to resent myself as where I have placed myself. Ok so yes it id definitely out of inferiority, what just happened is that my friends whom I skateboard with are goig to a skatepark and my one friend is going and I am not, believing that I need to be invited to go, and within that I thought about typing that they are dicks, because I feel less than them as I believe that I should be invited but it is only up to me to decide whether or not to go, it is up to me to direct the situation not others to push me, as I would have said that I would not want to go as I see this as much more important. So yes it stems from me believing myself to be inferior to others, but I limit MYSELF, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my own inferiority. There are many inferiority points within me…it is a made belief that I think that they are superior to me..so it is a blatent belief of superior judgement. As well it is comparison….1 they are better than me = cooler, more intelligent, insightful, progressive, attractive, and 2 I see myself as less than and try to cut them down to my size by throwing energetical thoughts with intent to hurt. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intend to hurt another with my thoughts! I really do not want to hurt someone, have been playing with it and it is possible to stoponly when I realize that I hurt someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts have no consequences, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can hurt someone, with my energetic possessions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt others with my thoughts.


BackChatting comes from my inferiority construct, when I feel inferior or intruded upon, what happened just now is that my roommate walked in on me while I was making a sandwich…I was judging myself for making that sandwich because I just ate, and ate more..so I wanted to be left alone and not exposed, and then he came in and I wanted him out so I backchatted in my head towards him, attacking the weakest point that I see. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own judgments of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my own judgments on other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing my own judgments. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack other people if I think they will know what I am judging myself for. What I noticed is that I do not care, was not aware that I was hurting another being…I did not see consequences…I cannot see my thoughts , so I have assumed that there are no consequences but I can feel them. What I noticed is that I WAS hurting people and myself, and I came to this realization and I do not want to hurt others or myself, So I tested it out a few times and I noticed that it has become habit for me to defend myself, to attack another being, but It is my own problem…it is my inferiority that I am trying to defend yet I am actually protecting it, within attacking another with thought, I end up keeping myself in the inferiority position. As well I judge them within thinking or believing something that is a lie, like for instance religion, I have started to judge others for believing in religion, and within my mind call them ridiculous or crazy or pathetic, etc. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-righteous through believing my knowledge to be absolutely true, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my knowledge over people as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value knowledge over life. Life is a lot more valuable than something that is questionable in every moment. Life feels pain, knowledge is bullshit, I know nothing, I do not KNOW whether or not god exists, All I know is that religion has brought us all into deceit, into deceiving others and trying to make money, that Is what religion is, another money based system, so it is not their faults for believing in it, they as me have wanted to find absolution outside of myself/ourselves. So again that point is not worth it, not worth hurting life, for my righteousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right, through/by applying self-righteousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I know everything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am always right. As I was testing out this BackChatter I have a tightness In my throat – for the words that I think. They have a resonance and a consequence. I do this just to judge people like I am some all mighty motherfucker, who can decide to judge. Whomever I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to judge whomever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another because I feel inferior to them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior. Inferiority is bullshit, it does not exist as many of the things that I feel inferior for do not exist in reality, it is all valued thoughts that I have allowed myself to give value to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to thoughts or ideas. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value grammar, words, clothing, appearance, money, possessions, neatness, intelligence, sophistication. I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to have an idea of what is valuable within appearance, grammar, accents, clothing, hygiene, intelligence, sophistication, money, possessions, neatness, fatness, sexuality, coolness. What I realized as well is that I fear them judging me as I have judged myself yet I do not care if they judge me, when I do not care to attack them, I do not judge myself, and I realized that within me not fearing being judged I do not attack them and that I am willing to `love` them anyhow, I do not fear them, so I can still support them no matter how much they will judge as Ido not judge myself, It all comes from judging myself first and foremost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within morality. I judge on stupidity…judging myself for being stupid, judging myself for not knowing, for fearing for not being smart enough. Anything that this world has systematically disapproved of I have feared and judged myself for being. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become of this world. I do not accept myself as this world any longer. Breathing is who I am. I am breath. I am not a personality designed so that I can get what I have seen as a positive polarity.