Light and Physicality and bullshit lol

Mar 21st 2011 10:10


I just allowed myself to go into my mind. I was looking for something to attach myself to memory wise = sweet food, Cigarettes, Tv, Video games, Things of that Nature. I was allowing myself t stray away from myself within breath again, within the physical touch.

I am here in this moment as the movement within the pen here writing with me as me assisting and supporting me unconditionally ( I am copying this from My notebook)

So this light thing. Knowing about the white light – this actual Light is blocking me. Everything that I see is the information that is coded and reflected back to me with light (I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame light for my sight.) The Light that I see is specifically directed towards me. I am blinded by this Light. I cannot see the information that exists, so My physical Eyes are untrustworthy. I must and probably can use my minds eye, But I am too much enslaved for that right now. SO I am going to stick to the physical touch and movement for right now. But yes there is a bright light stopping me from seeing what is here.

The physical is definitely Real the Image is not. The picture representation that I see is not real, but th actual paper and pen and friction and hand are real, but the image seen/shown is not real it does not exist like that I can feel its existence. But there are no Words for it so Simply I cannot word it, I can only feel it as me here.
I am enslave me, the light does not enslave me

Responsibility and Blame

Mar2nd 2011 5:51am


I have just woken up and the responsibility point is relevant. Meaning that I am right now placing myself as myself standing as myself for me only without need for others. The blame point is here as well and I am removing that each time it comes up and taking responsibility and doing so the blame and frustration goes away. I see the frustration right now, yet I cannot remove it entirely…I am attracted to it right now. As I pull away it pushes further towards me. It is a habit to blame. So I breathe and I stop and slow down.

This morning was quick paced. I woke up from sleeping in a bit. And I started to move rapidly so that I could get everything done quickly so that I could be here typing this and be ready for work. I was thinking quickly too, not stopping right away. I noticed this and again placed myself as myself and took responsibility for myself. Responsibility for stopping the thoughts, for stopping myself rather than getting angry over the fact that I am not stopping which is redundant. I was blaming the thoughts for my thinking and hoping that they would somehow stop. I was not intervening and stopping for myself and taking responsibility. Through blaming and not taking responsibility within breath for myself the thoughts kept on coming and I would have gotten quite frustrated.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe, taking responsibility for myself as myself, for standing as myself as my principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated over not getting something that I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through frustration over not getting what I want

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am one and equal to frustration as me, and that what I want is not outside of me, not separate from me, it is here as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself in every way

I breathe here now removing the frustration and `overwhelming` thoughts, and I stop wanting and I stand here knowing that only I am here and that something outside of me cannot help me.

Standing alone is much `nicer` than being frustrated as you are mad at nothing. I cannot be mad at myself for this shit, and if I am then I am in separation from myself. It is an ultimate relief from the frustration and that compression within my head. Standing alone as well I enjoy. I do not rely on anyone else. I stand alone. I breathe. I do not project. When I do this I can catch myself projecting and backchatting quite quickly and stop it within that moment. When I blame I continue backchatting hoping that it will stop through a force separate from me and become frustrated with it not stopping.

Letting go of Anger and Happiness.

I have been able to get over anger easier in the past few days. I would in the past sit on anger and blame all others for my own anger. The past few days I was feeling very aggitated because of my own actions and occurances within my own life.

One example is at work. I was cutting open a skid, and the skid had some product removed from it.  I thought nothing of it but when I did open it everything started to fall. Some milk spilt....lol crying over spilt milk. And other product fell and broke and I had to clean it up. I thought that one of my co-workers opened and removed the product from the boxes. I immediately blamed others for what I went through. The reality was that this was my own fault and no others. I was backchatting after this happened, and `dealing` with my anger through that. I noticed myself participating in this and stopped it and forgave it. And was able to actually get rid of the anger with using breath and forgiveness. I was trying to not take responsibility for this by thinking of smoking. I stopped that and took responsibility for my own anger and let it go. This was all related to time and work. I Was stressed that this event took up time and that I had to use all of my time effectively and that this event took away time. I was stressed that this would affect my job, and that my manager would look down on me for not getting my work done and `trust` me less to do my job. I was able to let all of this go by taking responsibility for this.

The second time I got angry was the day after. Everything was going `wrong`. I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. The sidewalks were not plowed. All of this was leading up to being late to work and again I was stressed about the whole responsibility for work. I was having trouble letting this go. I then started to do a recording. And within doing that  Iwas able to see everything that I was holding within and not allowing myself to see clearly. Again usually I would allow myself to exist in anger for hours and it would compound.
These are examples of how I have been able to now allow myself to let go of anger.

Recently I have been taking on my happiness. I am addicted to happiness. Each time I talk to a person or communicate I try and gain some type of happiness from that experience. I am always making light of a situation...=consciousness. Anyhow, what I have been doing within work is letting go of that energy immediately. I will talk and laugh with a co-worker and then immediately let it go. I have allowed that situation to replay within my mind thousand times over so that I could become happy and happy and ahppy and happy. I have been stopping this as happiness has allowed me to take myself away from what is real. Away from what is actually happening in this world, and my constant search for it is abusive unto myself. Fidelis said in a video that he uses the past to look for happiness within the present, this is exactly what I do, I do it with the immediate past and any other situation that has made me happy that I have locked into place within my mind. So I have been stopping this as it is a must.

When Ido this I have that energetical feeling within me and I breathe and `dispell` it immediately. I do not allow myself to sit on that feeling thus allowing myself to retain this happiness and `psychotic` smile upon my face. It literally is psychotic because I am smiling at nothing, only what is existent within my mind, it is not being here. Slowly I am applying myself in not participating in these happy conversations. I find it hard as it is an addiction. Slowly but surely I will get this done!

Desiring an Agreement/Relationship

As I am reading the Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self I am having a physical reaction of wanting to not face the point that I am going through as I am wanting to close the document and not face the point, What is happening is that I am thinking about having a relationship/agreement while reading this and a reaction is coming up within me of sadness and not wanting to face this sadness, within desiring an agreement yet not moving on the point. I have been desiring a relationship/agreement for a while in which stability exists. In which there is trust and honesty in while there actually is an agreement within another and me. This point comes from `love` and `support` within the context of wanting support through/as love from another for validation of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure with myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that others can validate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for others to validate myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself. Side note of looking at time and trusting myself within validation of thoughts. The reaction that I am having is in regards to sadness, the thoughts that come up are that I do not see a possible point to have an agreement I desire an agreement and yet there is no way I can move myself towards one…Like Sunette said that patience is the key within establishing an agreement. Iforgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself and stand as myself within/as patience. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live myself first and foremost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire another to support me with `love`. The reality of the situation is that I desire a relationship and I do not see a point where it can happen, thus I become sad within not being able to get what I want…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can always get what I want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should get what I want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `whine and cry` for not getting what I want. As a kid I went through the temper tantrums when I did not get what I wanted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim to get what I want. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself stable and effective. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself. Within my idea of agreement/relationship, it is an idea of happiness and positivity and love..I am having a resistance to writing the love, like I am afraid of exposing the fact that I still look forlove. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to addict myself to positivity and happiness. I have not supported myself for long enough. I have only just started to stabilize myself for/as myself. And within having an agreement I am liable to again give myselfup to another ideas/beliefs/perceptions, as I have not valued myself.I am not going to allow myself to exist like this. I am going to be patient and move on the point when it arrives in my reality, and decide then and there whether or not it will be supportive for me. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to search for an agreement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having the word and idea `love` to exist within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having a relationship, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value having a relationship/agreement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to others who are within an agreement/relationship….I justified it with the thought the they are two and I am only one. HA! I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be comfortable with myself living as myself. What is interesting is that in the beginning of writing this article I felt `Low` and that feeling is very uncomfortable for me ,and now I do not feel as low, yet still a bit uncomfortable but noticeably less than at the start of this article…I am allowing the blood flow of myself not move effectively thus allowing myself to feel cold and thus making myself feel uncomfortable and creating a physical action of trying to make myself feel comfortable by being warm but I think about this within the point of bundling up so that no one can see me and hiding, thus feeling comfortable being `hidden`. I have been reading this article more and more and there is not as much of a reaction but still feel uncomfortable.

When a female enters mylife, usually a new one, I hold onto that experience tightly, and do not want to let it go…use up all the energy I can from it. I will constantly project myself into a situation with that being in mind and think about a positive experience thus believing a relationship/agreement to be a positive experience, that would last eternally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by holding onto past memories and experiences of females….why do I desire a female greatly, to be in my life? It is obviously motherly related in the sense that I have been supported by her for my entire life until six months ago, and within desiring an agreement/relationship it is revolving around support, so I believe that A female will support me and desire to be supported as I do not need to take responsibility within being supported, or I believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to take responsibility for myself when in an agreement/relationship. I forgive myself that I have in the past not taken responsibility for myself within a relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female to support me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself as myself for myself. I forgive myself to define females as females. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define females as beings/life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by females, thus not allowing myself to approach a female. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist approaching females through fear of not being accepted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be and feel inferior to females as I was beat by my mother as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the experience of me being beat as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being physically/emotionally hurt by females, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame females for my physical pain and/or emotional pain.