`Me` Time

An interesting point yesterday was brought up within me and that point was `me` time. I looked at what `me` time was. That is where I give myself time to not care. I looked at what I did within `me` time, and I end up watching skateboarding videos for quite a while or looking a funnies on the internet, or watch some program on tv to entertain myself. So using the words `me` time is deceptive and dishonest, as all time is my time. I have all time to myself it is only what I choose to do within that time is what is relevant. Removing the words me time from that and equating all time equally, I saw that I was simply using that time to not give a fuck and to stray away from myself in actuality. I allow myself to give up on breath within `me` time and I allowed myself to not care about the current state of the world when participating in `me` time. Me time thus is dishonest, thus is deceptive, thus is abusive. Thus I am dishonest, I am abusive, I am deceptive.


Until I create all time as a process of self-investigation I will not change, as I have always used the excuse `ok enough `work` I have `me` time now` within which I am deliberately giving up on changing myself or pushing myself past any points. Me time is a lie to myself. There is no me time, the me time that I participate in is self-interest simply.

A few years ago I was completely invested in desteni,, in reading the material, in living the material, all of that. Only recently have I started to become more self-interested, so I have fucked with myself. I enjoy reading the material I enjoy writing, I enjoy living the material and discovering how to live it effective that is the real Me time, that is truly what I enjoy. The `me` time that I have participated in is simply self as the mind interest. It supports everything of the mind and as soon as I accept myself participating in `me` time and do not stop I allow everything of the mind to come back to me as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in `me` time

I forgive myself that I have hidden behind the words `me` time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-interests of the mind that feed the mind with mind definitions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all time Is me time

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in what I truly enjoy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern that is thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define process as work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as `playtime` or `me` time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply realize that I enjoy process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self interests as self being of the mind

I stop allowing myself to participate in self interests

I stop and breathe and check my starting point when I participate in what I have defined as self-interest and move myself within self-honesty

I am going push myself to continually participate in process investigating myself and changing myself seeing where I can take myself and expand myself within.

Self-Sabotage and Self-Trust

Apr. 3rd 2011 12:21pm


I ended up sleeping deciding to sleep for a bit, to move through some time while I waited for the day to begin after working. I slept past the time that I wanted to and within this I did not want to face the fact that I slept past that time so I slept more only compounding the problem. So I mean I cannot trust myself I have to check my starting point each time and I have to move on and within self-honesty or I will not be able to trust myself with my life which is definitely a problem. So to do what is best for me each and every moment within breath and not react like I have just done which is going out for lunch with my mom instead of staying here and writing myself out.

So I have noticed many times throughout the day I do not do what is best for me. I allow myself to go into thoughts about right and wrong within following a thought and debating whether or not I should when I know what is best for me within each and every thought, and within this, within the debate I know that I am debating for it when I should go against it, for example cigarettes, well not against it but disregard the debate and do what is best for me anyways. Doing what is best is simply not a debate it just is. It cannot be a question it is a statement. Like for example I will debate with myself whether or not I should do insulin at a particular moment and I will debate with myself on whether or not I should get up out of this lazy slump and do it. Many times I have allowed myself to go stay within that lazy slump putting off doing what is best for me which is insulin until later = when I get up. This is self-sabotage, where I chose to stay in my lazy slump and put off doing insulin in which I then go high and feel uncomfortable and then do damage to my body by doing this. So I have been self-sabotaging myself for quite a while and recently I have been judging myself for this separating myself from it, not taking responsibility for it and for changing it as me.

So slowly I am moving past each point of self-sabotage and judgment for sabotaging myself. I have to accept myself as that to change it because if I do not then I am separating myself from it giving it power over me.

Slowly breath by breath