Right now My starting point for the day is to be effective. Making sure that I stick to my principles and doing everything `right`. Within this I am being very strict on myself. I am not Allowing myself to be. I am holding myself tightly, watching for any `Slip up` of abuse. negativity is not the only abuse, it is also positivity. So I am holding myself tightly only watching for perceived negativity, allowing the positivity, as well not allowing myself to live here. Within this I have been placing myself in my mind holding myself there and watching - being on guard - for any negative thoughts - Thus allowing thoughts, because if I have to watch for thoughts I am thus allowing thoughts, and if there is a reasons for me to be on guard, I am creating that reason.
I let this Go now.
Showing posts with label Negativity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Negativity. Show all posts
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Purposeful Diminishment
Feb 22nd 5:26pm 2011
I just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I purposely slept. I got home from work and did not feel right from the perspective of breathing, I was not focusing on breath and I was still in `work` mode. I noticed that watching tv or playing a video game or something like that gets me out of it. I watched some news for a bit and still did not breathe. I thought about laying down and knew if I did lay down I would fall asleep. I purposely layed down. To avoid and hide from myself. I knew that if I slept until a certain time that I would not go to the library. So I slept for that amount of time.
I purposely did this to myself I did not want to face myself today, it must sub or unconscious because I do not see a reason why. I rathered sleep in that moment and did not take responsibility for myself being here. I allowed myself to sleep those hours and purposely kept myself asleep. So there is something that I am hiding from.
I wanted to go to the library today, I wanted to post some shit. I did not know what to vlog about and felt that I could not vlog effectively in that current state of mind. I knew the outcome if I laid down and I did anyways. I have done this with smoking before where I know that the outcome is what it is and yet I will smoke anyways, purposely diminish myself.
Purposely Diminish myself to keep myself enslaved to the inferiority that I believe myself to be. Purposely give up so that I can stay `at the bottom` and not rise above myself I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely give up on myself to keep myself enslaved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and escape from the fact that I want to keep myself enslaved. Why have I come to this point and how? I have defined process as incredibly difficult and overwhelming and I do not want t to push myself through the breaking points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define process as difficult. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define difficult to exist within process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from difficult and process through defining difficult to exist within process separate from me. I forgive mself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process as difficult or as easy as it is going to be, that I am the creator of my own process and I am responsible for myself within process.
I was looking at the phrase `I will make it` in the context of process, transcending the physical etc. I make it, I create myself being `successful` in this process or I make, I create myself `falling` within this process of self-realization. Currently I am making this difficult on myself, and I am making myself less than everything still not realizing that I am equal to everything, as life. I am making myself who I am I am creating myself to fail, I am creating myself to give up on myself when it gets `too tough`. I am not making it meaning that I am not creating myself in equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less than
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create myself in equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself give up
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself stand
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take absolute and complete control of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself equal and one with/as everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as diminishment and to purposely diminish myself to enslave myself and not realize myself and stand up
I am responsible for my own enslavement, my enslavement is not separate from me. I enslave myself. It is not the minds fault it is not the systems fault it is my fault and responsibility to unslave myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from enslavement through defining enslavement to exist within the mind, within systems, separate from myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the systems and I am the mind now and that I have enslaved myself and I am one and equal to my own enslavement as myself, as me.
I just woke up from a 4 hour nap. I purposely slept. I got home from work and did not feel right from the perspective of breathing, I was not focusing on breath and I was still in `work` mode. I noticed that watching tv or playing a video game or something like that gets me out of it. I watched some news for a bit and still did not breathe. I thought about laying down and knew if I did lay down I would fall asleep. I purposely layed down. To avoid and hide from myself. I knew that if I slept until a certain time that I would not go to the library. So I slept for that amount of time.
I purposely did this to myself I did not want to face myself today, it must sub or unconscious because I do not see a reason why. I rathered sleep in that moment and did not take responsibility for myself being here. I allowed myself to sleep those hours and purposely kept myself asleep. So there is something that I am hiding from.
I wanted to go to the library today, I wanted to post some shit. I did not know what to vlog about and felt that I could not vlog effectively in that current state of mind. I knew the outcome if I laid down and I did anyways. I have done this with smoking before where I know that the outcome is what it is and yet I will smoke anyways, purposely diminish myself.
Purposely Diminish myself to keep myself enslaved to the inferiority that I believe myself to be. Purposely give up so that I can stay `at the bottom` and not rise above myself I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposely give up on myself to keep myself enslaved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and escape from the fact that I want to keep myself enslaved. Why have I come to this point and how? I have defined process as incredibly difficult and overwhelming and I do not want t to push myself through the breaking points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define process as difficult. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define difficult to exist within process. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from difficult and process through defining difficult to exist within process separate from me. I forgive mself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process as difficult or as easy as it is going to be, that I am the creator of my own process and I am responsible for myself within process.
I was looking at the phrase `I will make it` in the context of process, transcending the physical etc. I make it, I create myself being `successful` in this process or I make, I create myself `falling` within this process of self-realization. Currently I am making this difficult on myself, and I am making myself less than everything still not realizing that I am equal to everything, as life. I am making myself who I am I am creating myself to fail, I am creating myself to give up on myself when it gets `too tough`. I am not making it meaning that I am not creating myself in equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less than
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to create myself in equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself give up
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself stand
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take absolute and complete control of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make myself equal and one with/as everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as diminishment and to purposely diminish myself to enslave myself and not realize myself and stand up
I am responsible for my own enslavement, my enslavement is not separate from me. I enslave myself. It is not the minds fault it is not the systems fault it is my fault and responsibility to unslave myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from enslavement through defining enslavement to exist within the mind, within systems, separate from myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the systems and I am the mind now and that I have enslaved myself and I am one and equal to my own enslavement as myself, as me.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Who I am around other people
When I interact with another person, it is always a happy go lucky persona. I always want to smile and make others smile, it is an addiction to happiness. When Watching one of Bernard’s videos a while back he was talking about diabetics and their pursuit for sweetness/happiness and this obviously struck a chord within me. This is who I am around other people. I am a constant search for happiness and creating happiness around other people. It is an addiction to people and a `need` to be accepted. It is an addiction to being accepted so that I can create a relationship and then share myself with that person and then say this is who I am.
When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.
When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.
I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me
When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.
When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.
I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)