Self-Interest as Self-Sabotage

I have been quite self interested throughout my life to the extent where my self interest lead to me manifesting a consequence that is diabetes. My self interest does not help me become life, it only allows me to suppress myself as life. For example when I was at home I would go through points where I would sit down and watch shows endlessly and eat candy throughout that time which is not what is best for me as a human body and certainly not best for me as a diabetic. So I had to ask myself why I was doing this and find out the origin point. A point that I found is that it is for my pursuit of happiness where I associated entertaining myself with happiness and sugar with happiness throughout my childhood. It is not beneficial for myself to have self-interest whatsoever as that is relevant through my actions and consequence within and as self-interest. What I have also found within investigating myself is that I truly do not enjoy the experience of myself in/as self-interest because it ends up as regret, shame, and guilt. It does not feel good knowing that I allowed myself to eat a great amount of candy and become lazy, and that is what I have defined as happiness. But that is not true happiness. What I have found within myself is that what makes me happy is educating myself, writing myself out, getting done my assignments, because as I am participating in/as self-interest I am attempting to find happiness outside of myself, where when I actually get my assignments done or work on them to a point where I am satisfied I become `happy` in regards to trusting myself to manage myself and make myself more effective within/as the system.

So self-interest is not self-interest but self-sabotage and be wary of self-interest because it is the worst thing that one is able to do to themselves, because all responsibility is given up when self-interest is participated in and if participated in within a pattern the responsibilities build up and up and then one is overcome with guilt, shame and regret then participate in the opposite where all the actions are manipulated within/as the shame and regret instead of being a starting point of a realization of what one has done and act to stop participating in it, because if it is within the energetic polarity then the actions of self-interest are able to repeat. This is where self-forgiveness comes in because if one does not forgive self for in fact sabotaging self no responsibility is taken for the point and if anything only avoidance is acted upon and then the pattern is able to repeat itself. Forgiving self is how one is able to transcend self in fact, because it was me in fact that was allowing myself to and still participate in self-interest.

What I have found that helps is removing the point of happiness and the energetical stimulation that is connected to the word happiness. So as one speaks the word happiness points come up in self that happiness is connected to, then self forgiveness is applied to the pictures, thoughts, images to what self has connected to happiness then one is able to find out what one in fact truly enjoys. What is best for me is removing self-interest and ego in that manner in order to find out what I truly enjoy and it does not need to be within a certain limitation meaning I can go to school for any subject because I simply enjoy learning where if I were to go to school within what I like or want within a educational program my options are limited between what I have told myself I like, which has not been real in my participation of it thus I don’t trust that my wants or likes in terms of choosing a school program is going to be helpful for me.

Remove self-interest remove your ego in which you have been programmed into believing that you like something. Focus on what one is able to do in this reality in order to make self’s life better and life better for all. No other starting point is valid in equality and oneness, all other options are self-interest. Join Desteni to learn more

Pop Your Bubble with Breath

With thoughts running around I have one has a closed mind. With breath the mind is open, with breath one is able to consider all as one is able to hear. I have started to have this problem with watching videos, I could not seem to get it on track, I could not seem to figure out what was going on. I have started to not be able to hear videos, I could not hear words, and that was because I have been caught up in my mind with thoughts not breathing not placing myself within breath and hearing the words. Within breath I am `opening up my mind`, my mind is open within breath, through breathing. I am stopping myself from closing my mind which is thoughts, which is the entire act of thinking within breathing. Within breathing I am able to hear the words,
listen to the words and place them as me and to an extent live them, live them through creating a reference within myself to which I can relate.

When thinking during watching a video I close myself off. I cannot hear to words, I cannot put them into context, and I cannot apply them to myself. So thoughts actually close ones mind off from reality, where as breathing brings you back to reality. Being stable within breath will allow one to effectively direct oneself within reality as within breath one is able to place oneself within reality…take in reality and move through it as themselves. Whereas thinking one closes oneself off from reality. I have experienced many times when walking or travelling myself thinking heavily and in a moment I will breathe and say  “holy shit how did I get here” or simply realize I am here, but there would be no recognition of the path I travelled only of the thoughts that I participated in, and even then I cannot remember many of the thoughts as I was not here within reality, I was not coherent, I was simply allowing a system to run me and that system is the Mind Consciousness system in which thoughts derive from with the assistance of me participating it, giving it value and worth.

So breathing helps place one in reality, breathing allows one to take in reality and move through it. Thinking closes oneself off from the world…it is like filtering bubbles, where it takes into context all of your past searches on a search engine, and makes your searches relevant to the past information that you have typed in or looked at = it blocks one off from reality, and what one types into search engines is within the mind, it is ones interests, it is self-interests and that’s what thoughts are as well and therefore they block on off from reality as well.

Stopping thoughts allows one to take in reality, thinking creates a bubble of self-interest.

`Me` Time

An interesting point yesterday was brought up within me and that point was `me` time. I looked at what `me` time was. That is where I give myself time to not care. I looked at what I did within `me` time, and I end up watching skateboarding videos for quite a while or looking a funnies on the internet, or watch some program on tv to entertain myself. So using the words `me` time is deceptive and dishonest, as all time is my time. I have all time to myself it is only what I choose to do within that time is what is relevant. Removing the words me time from that and equating all time equally, I saw that I was simply using that time to not give a fuck and to stray away from myself in actuality. I allow myself to give up on breath within `me` time and I allowed myself to not care about the current state of the world when participating in `me` time. Me time thus is dishonest, thus is deceptive, thus is abusive. Thus I am dishonest, I am abusive, I am deceptive.


Until I create all time as a process of self-investigation I will not change, as I have always used the excuse `ok enough `work` I have `me` time now` within which I am deliberately giving up on changing myself or pushing myself past any points. Me time is a lie to myself. There is no me time, the me time that I participate in is self-interest simply.

A few years ago I was completely invested in desteni,, in reading the material, in living the material, all of that. Only recently have I started to become more self-interested, so I have fucked with myself. I enjoy reading the material I enjoy writing, I enjoy living the material and discovering how to live it effective that is the real Me time, that is truly what I enjoy. The `me` time that I have participated in is simply self as the mind interest. It supports everything of the mind and as soon as I accept myself participating in `me` time and do not stop I allow everything of the mind to come back to me as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in `me` time

I forgive myself that I have hidden behind the words `me` time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-interests of the mind that feed the mind with mind definitions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all time Is me time

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in what I truly enjoy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern that is thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define process as work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as `playtime` or `me` time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply realize that I enjoy process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self interests as self being of the mind

I stop allowing myself to participate in self interests

I stop and breathe and check my starting point when I participate in what I have defined as self-interest and move myself within self-honesty

I am going push myself to continually participate in process investigating myself and changing myself seeing where I can take myself and expand myself within.

Self-Interest and Participating within Desteni

Apr 1st 2011 4:45pm


I am at a crossroads right now of choosing to remove myself from desteni and participate in self-interests, or continue with desteni changing myself and my ways and my starting points within this process. This point is here now because I have not been wanting to write as much, as well I have not been vlogging as much in the past few days. There are resistances continuing with desteni, because of myself and my own will and application of myself. Resistances because I have been acting out of self-interest wanting to be seen as good or more than what I currently am. Resistances because I have not been getting what I wanted which was validation of my ego. Resistances to putting in the effort to change.

I am in the moment unsure of where I want to move myself. I do not want to go back to my life that I had previously and live out all of that, and I am resistant to showing myself to myself, resistant to being self-honest. I am honest when I am shown, when the words can be put down infront of me and then I can admit to it or not, but when I look I do not come up with words…I know what it is but I am not willing to be honest with myself about it. I am not stopping many of my thoughts and within this I have been allowing myself to create this stage of depression, through believing myself to not be able to change, and through backchatting I have been creating a lack of will to change myself.

I am laying down right now after sleeping for a few hours. I am not moving or willing to move pas this depression, well I wasn’t but I am deciding to write it out right now. I am depressed because I know that my entire participation within desteni has been a lie, so all of my `effort` does not exist, and within this I feel hopeless and purposeless and worthless. And within this the point occurs if I cannot get what I want what is the point in continuing?

So the choice still exists of whether or not to continue to participate with desteni. I do not enjoy myself right now, feel as though I have fucked up heavily to a point where no self exists. Yes to an extent I have fucked up, and yes I am not trustworthy at the moment, because I have been continuing to backchat and manipulate myself with emotions and feelings as well as sex. I have not applied myself within changing, I have applied myself within wanting to feel better about myself, and wantting to be seen as more, and wanting to be special. I have continued to try and feed my ego, searching for quick ways to apply myself to get a boost of ego to ride and then I would crash because I was not in control. So right in this moment I am starting the point of actually changing myself within participating in desteni, not looking for a quick way out.
I have written this many times before, where I know that I individually do not matter, because I alone will not change everything in the outer world, we all must stand to move this point of equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only concern myself with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto emotions and feelings to pity myself

I forgive myself that I haave accepted and allowed myself to value myself as an individual

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use depression to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move through the depression taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto depression to pity myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to debate with myself whether or not to continue with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move within self-interest and not what is best for the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought if I can't get what I want then what is the point in continuing in regards to desteni.
I do not accept myself to again use depression to manipulate myself into acting on self-interest.

I do not accept myself furthering my movement on self-interest.

Now after moving through this I have forgotten why I was holding onto my depression in the first place. I am ffine now and always was, I just had to realize it.

Correcting my actions is going to take time and effort. So I have to check each post I make to make sure that I am moving in what is best for the group.
Holding onto that depression and those feelings really fucked with me. I believed that I was hopeless, not realizing that I was separating myself from my own correction of myself.

Self-Interest and Smoking

Mar 17th 2011 3:33pm


I am sitting now after skateboarding, I am focusing again on self-interests which is skateboarding. I decided to type because I did not want to continue this ignorance of myself. I noticed that I abuse myself extensively with emotions and feelings. I went through another depression faze and started smoking again, well I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking them since. I notie thtat I abuse myself within smoking where I will smoke even though I do not want a cigarette, I do this with food, and physical activity andor work. I push myself too far and do not let up on myself. This cannot continue and I will no let it continue,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through pushin myself too far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to use my physical as a reference of what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical

There is going to need to be a big change in me and I am ready to take that step where I step where I stop allowing myself to continue abusing myself and focus on breath and what is best for me as life and just stop all of this shit that I am allowing to exist within myself. I enjoy writing because it is self-intimacy. It allows me to stop for a second and focus on myself instead of what is going on around me. I can breathe when I write, I enjoy this much more than the hell that I put myself through when thinking. I am not allowing myself to move on this shit further.

The question I ask myself is weeding that part out of myl life what is best for me…I say yes, so that I can participate here more, and thus stand alone here as myself facing myself in every moment because I will ignore myself when I skateboard I will allow myself to participate in the antics, and the best way to weed that out is to move past that point. Bernard has said that if one still has friends then you are leading a double life and that is true so the solution for this is to not wait for myself to stand around my friends but stand here now removing myself from participating in more MCS as I am allowing myself to fall further into my mind instead of standing up. So I stand up here and remove my friends from my life so that I can participate here and focus on myself here.

This is a self-honest point because I know that I will continue to participate in the antics with friends, and so I will remove myself from friends not remove friends from me. Meaning I am stopping participating with the friends I had and focusing on myself. So yes a lot of point came up and that is giving into the antics so keep supporting my ego and personality.

So looking at my writing there is much judgment of myself. Negative judgment which is most likely the polarity play out of the positivity I have been accepting within myself.

Yeah so I started smoking again because there was much backchat about being superior and more than when I moved myself through a point of a desire to smoke. I gave my pack away out of stopping it again. I said fuck it and gave it to a friend…that was an immediate action…I thought about throwing it out and hesitated and then kept it.

As well I smoked again from a large depression point and was holding onto those feelings not moving through them. I did not write myself out and held onto that point of smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a belief of me stopping smoking as being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking is bad for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be good for not smoking

Ok so that was the point right there. I have been resisting posting this/sharing this because I was/saw believing myself to be completely bad for smoking and I must be good for participating in desteni. So I have lost the point here of self-realization in which I went to smoking for a better feeling. I existed within that moment self-interest. And I have fucked with myself by not letting go of this self-interest when forgiving it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing ymself to live my forgiveness, to actually forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in dis-honesties.
I am not good
I am not bad
I do not smoke
I do not not smoke
I breath, here, stop myself, and stabalize myself

So I am taking this slowly right now making sure I move myself in a way that is best for me right now.