Whole Hearted Motherfuckers

Feb 28th 5:41am 2011


I just looked at the word environment and saw the word Iron within it. I related this to knowledge of the Earth’s core being 95% Iron. So I related this to me being 95% affected by the environment. Bullshit connection but it is applicable. We are completely Affected by the environment we grow up in. This environment is disgusting. As a child we are force fed happiness and love and light and positivity with media. Tv shows are always happy and related to happy experiences and Male tv shows – from my experience – of playing the part of the hero eg: power rangers. I then grew up believing in light love and happiness and positivity, always searching for that positivity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search the world/environment for positivity. I was searching for positivity in a world where nothing is positive whatsoever. In reality everything is `negative`. A relationship is not blissful, it is ignorance. Ignoring the fact that it will not and cannot last in reality. It will inevitably break, and if one exists in positivity within participating in a relationship one is absolutely delusional and ignorant of the fact of reality. Sure some marriages stay, but again it is through negativity, it is out of fear of financial Stability, It is a manipulative point of getting what one wants, a fear of `being alone for the rest of your life`, and we all do this knowingly, yet we purposefully blind ourselves with ignorance and the idea of bliss, when in reality we are all fucking disgusting and self-interested and a relationship is only manipulative of self and/or the other person to get what we desire which is sex. I have done this myself where I have purposely manipulated myself within allowing myself to create a relative point within me so that I could relate to the other to then establish a relationship and then get what I desired which is sex…quite disgusting and ugly. There is a replay of a memory of a co-worker telling me that another co-worker has defined my writings as `dark`. Fuck…it is the true nature of us, investigate yourself in honesty and you will see some ugly disgusting shit as yourself….we all exist as this, and that is why the world is in the situation it is in right now. Investigate yourself in honesty and stop fearing yourself, it will only cause a large event to happen to yourself wherein you will have to face yourself in honesty of what you have really become, and if you are still believing yourself to be positive, and happy, and a `good person` in that moment you will throw up at realizing yourself.

So we are influenced heavily by our environment and that is why we become what we have become, as our environment is disgusting and we are hiding from what we really are through entertainment and distraction. We rarely see the actually rapacious nature of ourselves in reality, and therefore we hide from it and exist in ignorance of ourselves, thus believing ourselves to be positive and beings of `whole heartedness, love, light, happiness`. It is al bullshit when in reality we have destroyed ourselves and the environment and abused life and ourselves with self-interest in trying to hold onto that belief that we are happy and good whole hearted motherfuckers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the human is a benefit to life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the true nature of myself as human

I stand here in honesty in realizing myself as the true nature of myself as evil, as hellish, as destructive, as rapacious to understand myself so that I may never allow it to again exist as me as reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself blissful so that I may ignore and hide from the true nature of/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a good person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the true nature of what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid at all `costs` facing myself in reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend money to keep myself dumb and happy and ignorant to the fact that I am an `ugly` being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cost myself my life in ignorance

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to all life allowing myself to see the true nature of myself as a human in what I have accepted and allowed within this world that is destructive, abusive, rapacious, harming, murdering all life forms on/as this Earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from the true nature of myself as being rapacious, destructive, harmful to all life on this earth, through believing myself to be good, and creating the pursuit of happiness.

Apathy

At the moment I am not life, I am a system. Right now I do not care, I do not care about writing, I do not care about participating in desteni, I have no value on it right now….I have no value placed on anything. I see this now and I gave myself the opportunity to value life. In which I do. I woke up from sleeping too long and do not want to move myself within reality right now…it is like a feeling of not caring whether I live or die…It is apathy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic when people are still starving. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on only my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all life as me as the physical. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life because my `life` is mundane.

I am too focused on my direct reality, and how nothing has changed. I need to move because the simple fact that nothing has changed signals that there is still much work to be done. I am focused on my life and how I have not seen anything worth valuing in my reality….this is a complete fucking lie and deception. Writing has definitely assisted me in my day to day living, applying myself is definitely valuable. I feel as if writing is pointless, the words to describe this is whats the point?, I do not want to. I do not want to participate in anything. I have been in this position before and I have just sat and not moved not ate not lived not breathed, not written, I did not watch tv. All I wanted to do was sit and allow the world to pass by, to move without me. I gave up responsibility in that moment and I was giving up my own responsibilities within the moment I was apathetic. All life matters , and there is far too much abuse to sit on my ass and give up my responsibility. So I am pushing myself through this point now, with writing. I did not want t write myself I was heavily resisting writing because I did not want to apply myself,did not want to take responsibility, I allowed myself to not care. I was within that moment ready to give up…And my responsibilities aren’t even that much. I was not valuing myself as life. I was valuing happiness and within that I was then looking for it waiting for it to come to me when I would sit and do absolutely nothing…I was trying to create happiness through/as a thought in that moment, hoping/wishing for happiness to come to me. I was valuing a thought and not my breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value thoughts, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value my self as breath. This feeling is the largest deception. It allows one to completely give up and not care, it only allows one to focus on ther individual `reality` and not reality as a whole. It fucks with them entirely, only blinding them from what is right in from of them, It creates a loop within the mind of everything seeming pointless and nothing worth doing, within looking for value within what will make one happy, that is what happened. I was looking for something to put value into that would make me happy, I was trying to figure out how to get my next `fix` of happiness. And I would not participate in anything unless it assisted that happiness to exist. I would sit there for hours not doing anything…not eating not breathing..it would be like I was asleep….it is a form of escape for me, it was like I was asleep, unconscious of anything going on around me. This is unacceptable to allow within me so I am writing this down and getting it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowingmyself to give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when there is no happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue a thought of happiness, or a feeling of happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself form reality through searching for happiness. It is unacceptable as myself as life. Giving up on this life is committing suicide.

Family Love

My sister is going through a `hard` time in her life. She is in debt, and My father is not supporting her the way she wants to be supported. He is being emotionally abusive, and purposely using his knowledge of my sisters peersonality, to manipulate her emotions. Now I gave her advice to remove herself from him and live on her own...she has the know how and the resources, and to cut him out of her life. She said that she couldn't cut him out because he is family and that family should unconditionally love eachother. To this I laughed and said that I received no love when I spoke about desteni, when I would speak about this world, I was attacked and still am. Like yesterday I was speaking about an Equal money system and Patti took on the advocate of the devil. So I laughed and said there is not unconditional love I have experienced the conditions that need to be met to be `loved`.

Do not fool yourself with family love. Families are quite deceptive in trying to get you to lead you down a set path. Because who better to lead you down the path then the ones who have already been down the path that you are on. You will become like your mother or father, unless you take a stand. The family system is there to manipulate you into believing that you are making a choice for yourself but when really you are living out the same pattern that they have lived out. And If they say there is love, the moment you go against the gang, the cult, the mob, the family, you become ostracized, you become an outcast. If one speaks about something that the family does not share in common one is ousted. Same within friends, if you don't abide by the set actions fo the group one is cut off from the group/exiled. Family love is a lie. Do not be deceived when told be family members that love is within them for you. It is within them for them. It is out of self-interest. No I used to love my sister but within realizing what that love was for her, which was a belief that she is the only one in the world I could relate to, which was out of self-interest of wanting to be accepted and included and relate to someone, I stopped that love for her. I stopped that love for her and stood as myself, and stopped living for her acception of me. I stopped living to please her so that the love will remain. I now stand as myself living for myself speaking for myself, standing in every moment for myself.

Family love is very deceptive, as a child we are brought up to stand with and by the family no matter what. We are not taught to think for ourselves. We are subjected to our parents opinions of what is right or wrong. We then become them. We then become their beliefs and live as their beliefs. When one `steps out of line` one is either brought back in line through force, or let go and that line stays straight, there is no extension within the line to accomodate one. It is black or white...from my perspective, I am sure that there are some instances differently. But look at it this way, If ones family is devout Catholics, and one stands up and stops going to church, stops praying to god, stops worshipping, what happens? Does the family say ok that fine, your choice or opinion and it has no affect on me. Or does the family exclude them immensely from the family, as well as my medial (via media) knowledge of coming out to parents about being gay.

Doesn't always happen but from my medial understanding it is quite frequent. Now ask yourself, where is the family love within all of this? Does it exist unconditionally, or is it subjective and conditional?