Fear of Not Making Process

Fear of not making it

I have come to a realization within myself that I have been fearing making process and within that I am not taking the stance to stand eternally for all life. Lol Within this the fear is stopping me from actually making it, as taking a stance to stand for all life is actually `making it` as life is not involved in thoughts, it is here thus  must be equal to life in order to be able to assist it and support it.

Anyways I have been noticing a trend at times that I do not care whether or not I become abuseful = smoking or masturbation or even simply thinking about desires, acting on greed, = being of `human nature`. I –at times- wimply!!!! That was a type – simply do not care about making the important decision to do what is best for all life and within that I give into thoughts, desires, dis-honest actions, abuse towards myself and consequently others.

The opportunity poops up and I give it consideration out of a fear of not making it = if I am not going to make it then why even try to my fullest extent? Is what I live in that moment and within that I give into my own self-interests of experiencing and self-interested delusions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not making process and within that holding onto the fear allowing it to influence me in my decisions of whether it is `worth` it to stand up for life and within that manifesting my own `failure` within/as process
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect process to fear and within that fear my own fear
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the fear of not making process and allow myself to limit myself from actually standing as change eternally as what is best for life, making myself equal to/as life
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and hold back on making a definite change withinas myself and my living conditions/standards because of the possibility of `not making process`
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make process that I am the decider of whether or not I will make process.

Within the fear of not making it I am limiting myself to practical action to do what is best for all. I am allowing myself to accept this fear as reality. Within accepting the fear as reality I am sitting on the fence, I am not making that absolute stand as what is best for all life as myself living it in each moment breath by breath.

This is not cool as it is LIMITING. I am not allowing myself to move past my systematic patterns which I have defined as myself due to fear of not making it and fear of changing. This fear is absolutely holding me back from me living as an expression of life instead of a Mind Consciousness System. I question myself – Do I want to be life…I do not know as I do not know what life is…so do I want to be a MCS? No as I see what I have been participating in and have been limiting myself within and I dislike living out the same pattern day after day after day after day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out the same patterns of/as my/the Mind consciousness system day after day after day because I am accepting this fear of not making it as real and am allowing the fear of not making it hold me back from removing myself from participating in the systems in which I have come to accept and allow myself to live as
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming life = breathing here in every moment when in fact I have no idea what that brings/would be like

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear something that I have no idea what it actually is
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find out what living life here in every moment is though applying myself as breath here in every moment doing what is best for all life here in every moment as myself as life as breath
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the fear of not making process as a reality
 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear of not making process is not a reality as I have no idea what it actually is thus I am creating an idea about what it is and thus the idea of what it is is not real because I have not lived being here in every breath as life as myself as an expression of life
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing through fear of losing who I have come to define myself as
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must then re-define myself when I remove myself
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within defining myself as ego/as what I believe myself to be when in fact it is not real, it is not me

I realize that I have not lived life in fact and thus have no idea what it is thus the fear of living life in fact as breathing here in every moment is irrelevant to what breathing here as life in every moment actually is
 

I stop the fear of not making it as it is not real
 

I stand here as who I currently am within the mind and remove my addictions/beliefs/ideas/separations etc from existing into/as my reality

 
I stand within an utmost effort to stop myself as who I have become within the mind
 
I stop all ideas about what living here as life as breath in every moment is

Not being Here.

Here I am in breath. While I am not here I am thinking about some situation or possibility or what if or outcome or what to eat all in contexts of what is not here at the moment meaning It is not in my direct reality and I cannot physically participate with it.

I had an experience of not being here at work today and it is a vivid one, meaning I experience myself not here quite frequently with participating in thoughts of what ifs and speculation etc etc, yet this one was a bit more `interesting`.

I was working and at my job it is VERY systematic as is most jobs in this world, so once we get used to it we can basically go through our jobs blindfolded and deaf. I was low as well, meaning blood sugar low and when this happens I have noticed I participate much more in thoughts or negativity, and I cannot establish myself as effectively in the physical.

I pick cases at a warehouse on put them on skids, so I was moving from my machine to the slot and putting it on the skid and this entire movement I had no awareness of. Meaning I was not able to place it as myself I was not in the physical doing this action it was systematic it was automatic. I got back to my machine and was about to pick up another case and I saw that I had no memory of moving from the machine and picking up that last case and putting on the skid. I was not here in the physical at all I was not here I was completely not here I didn’t even remember the sights that I saw while doing that action which I am usually able to do, my senses were shut off to me, If someone asked me exactly what happened in that moment I could not tell them truth I could only relate to past experiences.  

Looking at this it is very dangerous to participate in reality like this yet we all do as we are all constantly thinking about what ifs, or speculating, or thinking about what they will do in the future = programming ourselves, or thinking about memories etc etc, Most of the time we are not here in the physical. Most of the time we humans are not aware of the physical, aware of our physical actions, aware of our physical breath, aware of our hearing or sight or anything that is PHYSICAL.

This is how FUCKED the mind is. It is not a benevolent placement of the human, it is devious as hell and separate from the physical though/as thinking thus we are not able to be here with the physical with our true selves, and since we are separate from our true selves, we believe that the mind is us, that thoughts are us, when in reality we are HERE in the physical in breath, in/as our senses. For an experiment go through your day and see how many things you have not heard the entire time = electrical noises, or birds, or cars, mostly ambient noises, and then realize that they were always making that sound, YOU were just not HEREing, so where were you? Then look at the thoughts and if they have any relevancy to Reality = what is here = what we can physically participate with in the moment HERE.

This is what desteni has shown me and many others, but in essence they showed me the opportunity and the fact that I had the ability to see, in essence I saw, desteni showed me the tools on how to allow myself to see. Desteni showed us that we are not here and to take our power back = our RESPONSEability = we must be here to respond correctly, or else we are only responding within/as a system = a pre-programmed automatic response. Our responsibility is our ability to respond through being here  and through taking our ability to respond back to us through being HERE we are taking our power back as ourselves = we are taking our power back from the systems that WE have ACCEPTED giving it up to.

This is what being a destonian is about. It is about taking our responseability of/as ourselves and responding with what is best for all so that we may bring about what is best for all. Being able to see what is best for all is a simple accumulation process of 1+1+1, looking at the consequence of each action that we participate in and what will be the side effects as well.

So no more speculation about what/how desteni is operating, it is out in the open it is for all to see, yet the irony is that you must allow yourself to see reality which through/as the mind you cannot as the mind is not in reality, it is in a sphere or a delusion self created reality, where as REALality is not SELF created it is created by ALL as self, it is a accumulation of all of us to make ONE reality. Stand up to see your true self, forgive yourself for all that we are holding onto as a collective community (the world) let it all go so that we may see what is here, let ourselves unconditionally go from the mind as we are the only ones who are enslaving ourselves.  Join Desteni, share and start investigating yourself at http://desteni.co.za – it is time to stop the mind so that we can get ourselves back to reality where we BREATHE, not think.

A look at A Though and Backchat

Apr 12th 2011


So I just placed myself in a position of believing myself to be the backchat and could observe what was going on. I had a thought of allowing the voice to again reappear that was `psychosis` and within that there was a fear, to which I smiled and realized that I could use that to move out of the fear. But all of this was irrelevant, what is interesting is that I created the thought and the fear to play off of eachother, and believing myself to be the fear and the thought was the point to which I allowed it to exist.

So I thought the thought, felt the fear, looked at that and laughed, and then thought that I could use the voice to move past the fear, and then realized that I participated in both the thought and the fear and allowed it to play off of eachother allowing the backchat to continue. I am not the backchat. The backchat can only run with me believing it is me and participating in it. So I felt a fear and thought that that fear was me, like the thought had control of me and then became fearful. I realized that the fear was not me and only a reaction to the thought, that I was allowing to play off of eachother. One backchat led to the next and then I allowed myself to continue it through believing that one aspect was me, man this whole thought process is fucked, it is playing different roles, continuously taking on different roles to play out a movie that I am creating as myself, and through believing that the one aspect was me I gave into allowing the backchat to exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow backchatting to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the voice within the head

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fear

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a movei as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move I as a movie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play, to create a play that is supposedly me within thoughts/backchat.

I am not these thoughts, I am not the backchat.

I am sorry that I cannot word this better. I was looking at the experience and was having trouble wording it.

It was me playing on the thought with the fear believing myself to be the fear and thus I believed myself to only be the entity of fear, and that the thought was more then me as being the fear, to this I thought that I could use the fear as me as the mind and thoughts to `solve` the fear. I then stepped back and took a moment of looking at the playout of that and saw that I was believing myself to be the fear, I realized that through believing myself to be the fear that I was allowing myself to playout the scenario/scene of the movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thoughts are real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the scenes that I create within thoughts are real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the thoughts within the scenario

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a scenario

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a reaction

I cannot word it better because IIII cannot word it better, it is me who cannot understand it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand myself

I believed that I was the reaction of fear, thus allowing myself to participate in the playout of the thought process/pattern

I purposely participated in the thoughts, allowing it to continue with a reaction/pushback of the thought, not allowing it to pass through me standing as myself unwavered, I wavered through believing myself to be that fear and within wavering I played with the thought process combating it thus allowing it to combat back through my acceptance of the combat.

As well I have many times participated within the thought I am not that, believing myself to thus be the thought that thought `I am not that` thus allowing the combat to take place through fighting with myself within my mind thus believing myself to be an aspect of the mind, which is just not true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with myself within the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being here through believing that I am a thought within the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to combat with myself instead of stopping myself within the mind

Depression is worthless

Apr 11th 2011


Today I did no backchat as much. I noticed that I was stopping my fears much more. I was not worried about anything. During work I stopped a lot of my backchatting, and was singing more, singing random songs that came into my head. I cut my finger the other day, and this was limiting me within my work, I started to get fearful of not getting everything done in time for the store to open. I let this go and told myself I can only do what I can do in breath and within that I stopped fearing not getting everything done, stopped fearing not working efficiently. So at work I was fine. I got home made food sat down and slept. I slept to sleep but I stayed asleep past the alarm that I had set to get up and do things like buy groceries and go to the library to use the internet. Within sleeping past this time I started to become very depressed for not using my time effectively. I started to watch much more television to distract myself from facing myself. I became depressed because I allowed myself to sleep and knew the consequences of sleeping, and I allowed that knowledge of the consequences to hinder me. I accepted that consequence, which was depression and a lack of a want to write and resisting writing because of the depression. I realize this now that I could not have allowed that to hinder me, that I could have simply got up when I got up and did what I had to do, but I allowed depression to exist and within that I did not want to do anything so I didn’t.

Allowing depression in that moment to exist hindered me completely. I did not have to accept it as a consequence of sleeping. Again this was because I did not follow through on my plan to get things done, my plan of `effectiveness`. So I allowed depression to exist because I was not effective in my life, but I did not need to become depressed, I only had to get up and be effective meaning writing myself out and doing some of my ITD work, and then moving from there. I was resisting writing anything down and started to watch tv. I allowed that to exist for about an hour, then I did the shopping, and when I came back I made some food, and then again watched some tv, still allowing the depression to guide me into doing nothing that will support myself or this world.

It was quite unnessesary to become depressed in that moment, I allowed it because I did not do exactly what I wanted to do, and within this I allowed myself to further delay myself. I could have simply took that moment and fucking directed myself simply rather than allowing myself to fall into depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression for not being effective or using my time effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose depression over directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by depression instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment of waking up after wasting time to waste more time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to in the moment of waking up taking responsibility for myself here and directing myself effectively to support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the moment of waking up go into depression instead of directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in depression looking for something to take me out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from depression through looking for the solution outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the solution to depression as I am the creator of my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch tv when feeling depressed to escape facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to not face my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my creation of depression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within depression taking a directive stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into more depression when feeling depressed instead of standing in that moment becoming self-directive.

In the moment I feel depression I do not accept myself to watch tv or sulk around I take directive movement and I direct my movement to correct my depression

I stop I breathe in the moment of depression I get up I stand and direct myself.

In the moment of depression I will write as it seems to work as that is the reason I became depressed because I was not doing what I knew I should do and giving into resistances.

I do not allow myself to continue in depression when I feel depressed I stand up and I direct myself to do what I need to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances of writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push past the resistances.

I push past these resistances from here further.

Stopping Backchat at Work

Apr 4th 2011 11:58


I find it hard to stop backchatting at work. I do not stop and take a breath I constantly push myself to keep working and within that constant pushing I do not stop the breathe. I do not stop the thought process until I get home and sit down and relax for a bit. I noticed today as well that I will always end up at sex or money and then I will judge myself and say stop or no. that judgment I am working on at the moment accepting the fact that I always end up thinking about sex or money. And it comes from any thought, I can think probably about anything and it will end up in sex. I think about one person and then it leads to another and eventually it turns into sex. And the money part is primarily about fear of lack of and I use backchat to try and equate the pattern but it never works out. I use backchat as well as a form of comfort by placing myself within my mind and thinking heavily about anything.

When I get home I stop. There is no fear here at home. I am not in a situation where I am expected to perorm or have to meet any standards or codes, I can be me and relax. So I am definitely tense at work. I am tense because I feel like I am being constantly watched and judged on my actions and my work `effort`. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my work effort. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my work effort to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I have written about this point before and still I have not followed through on this point so I am going to keep on investigating myself at work. I notice that I have to take it slow at work, calm myself down and breathe and remove the fear of being watched or seen doing my work and simply focus on my self working.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down at work, breathe and investigate myself stop, and focus on myself working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself while working within the fear of losing my job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing my job to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear.

Depression and facing the points

Apr. 2nd 2011 4:03pm


Again another night of sleeping 13 hours because I do not want to face my depression from the fact that I am and have been participating in desteni to get something that I wanted. I do not want to continue on with this so I am not. I am letting go of the depression and starting over new, being a part of the group acting for and as the group. I am not going to allow my wants of self-interest to be a barrier to myself standing for life. The point here is such bullshit, I was complaining and whining about not getting what I want and within that I was ready to give up on life. I mean damn that is crazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on doing what is best for life, for self-interests.

I felt overwhelmed with what I had to face and within this I became depressed because all of these points I was suppressing, and placing beliefs of myself progressing in the place of reality of the point that I was suppressing. This takes point wil have to be taken slowly. I am trying to move past it too fast. Ok breathe, take it slowly, remove yourself, and stop. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write with the curiostity and projection of people reading this. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write for myself.

I am aggravated and agitated right now. I do not feel comfortable, in the sense of being out of alignment from my environment. Having to re-do many actions and having to focus heavily on myself here so I do not make these mistakes and have to re-take them. I am looking at this process as massive as something that I cannot do…I cannot do It within one moment. I have to take chips out of the whole until it widdles down.

Breathing now, stopping my aggrivation, placing myself here, focusing.

Stimulating myself

Mar 26th 2011 10:29am


I am looking for something to interact within. I am looking for a game simply. I have been sitting here being the observer and would like to participate in something. I was about to play a video game, and participate within that, but I decided to write and I feel as though now my writing is distracted. Ok so simply the point here is I am distracting myself from placing myself here. I am using excuses to avoid appling myself here. I am not allowing myself to fully place myself here, I am within the mind looking for stimulation. Not placing myself within the physical touch as myself, and looking to escape to somewhere or something to stimulate myself. I am not taking in the information that I am reading, not listening, off in my mind for stimulation so I am going to participate in something physical…I am going to skateboard in a bit and see where that takes me. I have gone through this pattern before and usually when I skate like this I am not thrilled with it as I am still looking for stimulation not expressing myself within the physical, so I mean I am going to have to place myself within the physical, not looking for stimulation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as stimulation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and place responsibility for my stimulation on the environment around me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself here stimulating myself as the physical here, waking myself up here as the physical.

Cool so immediate response. I placed myself here as that and used breath to make myself stay here and stop searching for something. I breathed and stopped the search for something stimulating. I placed myself within touch and breathed.

Sleeping and Self-honesty

Mar 25th 2011 7:46pm


Ok so the point of sleep I want to write about right now. The point of sleep I am writing about is the fact that I am in the mornings having trouble waking up fully. The past 2 days I have slept past my alarm and the first day I woke up and sat on the toilet and peed lol and was questioning whether or not to stay up because I knew that I would exist in that same pattern as I have previously of sleeping until the last minute not getting up in time to eat properly and write in the morning like I like to do. I knew in that moment within self-honesty to stay up but I did not. So this point off applying self-honesty is a point I am willing to change at this moment, because I see myself falling, and I question how I allowed myself to fall and simply is because I am not standing self-honestly for and as myself to do what is best for me to not stay enslaved to these patterns that I have become and acted out. My application of self-honesty needs to change…yes I can be honest but I have not been taking that honest route and that is also a part of self-honesty. I mean I am right now honestly enslaving myself. Which is a stupid from my perspective. At the point of sitting on the toilet I was still tired and exhausted and I did not apply myself to get up in that moment meaning take that first breath and move myself. Instead I convinced myself to sleep a bit more and the outcome of this was stopping the Alarm each time it went off until I decided to call into work because of being tired and exhausted all because in that moment I did not take the honest route and breath in that moment getting up and taking on the day.

The second day which is today I stopped my alarm clock unconsciously, sleeping 2 hours past the alarm going off. I was not late to work but if I set the alarm any later I would have been, and this point I want to write about. The point of stopping my alarm unconsciously and then staying asleep. I have done this a few times where I am unaware that I have stopped my alarm….well not conscious of the fact and I end up sleeping with my cell phone/alarm in my hand lol because I have shut it off. I have made it too easy for myself to do this and if I cannot stop this because of consciousness that I must trick and apply measures of some other sort. So I have decided to place my alarm further so that I have to get out of bed to stop the alarm. So I have to get up out of the bed and walk to shut it off, and in this moment I will have some sort of consciousness and in that moment I can move within self-honesty or not, each one I know the path. And unfortunately I have been moving on the dishonest path within honesty. So I mean there are points here to consider, The sleeping not the worst or the most important but the application of self-honesty and the accumulating affect is something that I am considering as I see it becoming detrimental to be myself.

Simply I know what must be done and I must be relentless on myself in the moments of `its ok, no big deal`. It really is no big deal on the grand scale of all, but in all of me it is a big deal.

Self-Image and Getting off topic

Mar 22nd 10:45pm


Stopping the image of myself definitely works at placing myself here. It allows me to feel myself, focus on my physical feeling and disregard the Image and stop judging myself and others. Today I had more of a hard time stopping the image of myself and placing myself within the physical breath. As well as placing myself within the physical touch. The one thing that I have been distracting myself from me here is the sound people are making. I was distracting myself to the conversations people were having…I notice now that this is a similarity to gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eavesdrop on conversations backchatting about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about people having conversations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply focus on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply hear the sound



I stop judging people for what they talk about.

I realize that all talk is equal to and as talk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value `topics` of talk unequally

All Talk is Equal

And slowly enough I was not focusing on myself within the physical. And that is where I am now. I am here not being abe to focus on myself. Not breathing. Not taking responsibility. I can take this slowly, moment by moment feeling myself here write myself out, taking the time to place myself here correctly. I feel low on energy and wanting to sleep or rest and within this I am not placing myself here. (At that moment I knew that when I got home I would be sleepy and want to sleep and I did end up sleeping, so that Is a point I am going to start to investigate)

This morning I found it difficult to move, to get out of bed. I woke up form my alarm a Few times and each time I would think “Ok now its time to move” I would still lay there, I would have that thought in place within my body but I did not Re-act to the thought = a Reaction would have been getting up in that moment. I stayed in bed layed there for a bit and listened to music for a bit. Cool so now I am here focusing a bit better. I am wanting to smoke a cigarette, to keep myself here. (In that moment I realized that each time I brought myself here a thought would come up of wanting a cigarette, or food, or something to distract myself with. It was not to keep myself here but to distract myself from here) Anyways sleeping this morning was interesting Because…this is all coming from the mind I am not standing up right now and taking charge of myself here. Meaning that I am not placing myself within each word directing the outcome I am allowing myself to run a program of laziness within writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy right now (Lol not actual forgiveness, only a belief that that would fix the `problem`.)

As I layed in bed I was dreaming of getting up. I dreamt that I woke up and got out of bed this was interesting because I can see how I created this. I purposely created this so that I could believe that I was up and was doing what I needed to do. I make that dream and I made myself believe that dream was real. Only when I felt my physical did I realize this was a dream.

Strict on Myself - Not the Solution

Right now My starting point for the day is to be effective. Making sure that I stick to my principles and doing everything `right`. Within this I am being very strict on myself. I am not Allowing myself to be. I am holding myself tightly, watching for any `Slip up` of abuse. negativity is not the only abuse, it is also positivity. So I am holding myself tightly only watching for perceived negativity, allowing the positivity, as well not allowing myself to live here. Within this I have been placing myself in my mind holding myself there and watching - being on guard - for any negative thoughts - Thus allowing thoughts, because if I have to watch for thoughts I am thus allowing thoughts, and if there is a reasons for me to be on guard, I am creating that reason.
I let this Go now.

Writing Within Ego

Mar 21th 2011 5:27am


I have been allowing myself to participate within ego again. I was just participating in it this morning and fighting with myself to remove it until I realized that I am not it. I am not within my mind I am here. I feel disgusted that I have allowed myself to place myself within a more than role, it is something that does not need to be done and I do it because I `feel good` about myself for something that I have defined myself as. For example if I believe that I have written something `worthwhile` through that belief I make myself believe that I am of worth, and place myself in a position of some worth, if I do not write for a few days I then start to feel of no worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself of a measurement of worth

I cannot measure my worth

worth is an idea of the mind based on something defined as `valuable`

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stabilize myself here when writing

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself here while I write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write to value myself

When I write I place myself here feeling each key stroke to stabilize myself here within the physical.

I am not of the ego

I am not what I think I am

I am not this value and/or worth I have defined

This point bothers me as I get a feeling of disgust because I know that I have not honoured life.

I looked back at my writing from the day before about the suffering of an apple and I realized that it was out of ego, that it was resonating ego. I did not enjoy that realization because I know that I am not more than anything, I know that it really has of no worth or value. “So I have answered the question as I am equal to the apple as life as a being that can feel. “ Within those words…I re-wrote them on the blog post because I knew what I did…It obvious resonates a placement of being more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego.

This point I know is of ego because I was thinking about that for some time, believing it to be a good question, holding onto it to fuel my ego, and as I posted it to I was looking for a response. So all of those things I noticed yet did not `register` in a sense of exactly what I was doing so I allowed myself to post it not allowing myself to become aware of the fact that it was out of ego.

I stop allowing myself to post out of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write to be seen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write to share myself

I start here writing to share myself.

Pushing through Resistances - Wanting Destruction

Mar 20th 2011 1:21pm


I did have a resistance to writing when I woke up. I had a resistance because I slept 13 hours. I simply let myself sleep that amount of time because I do have anything to do right in that moment. I have noticed that I do this more frequently at my moms, I have been sleeping until the last minute, and neglecting to do my insulin on a schedule. I start to give up on myself here, and allow the pre-programming to take control instead of taking control of myself. I do not necessarily have a resistance to writing but I have a resistance to applying myself of taking that breath and looking inward at myself in what I am currently. There is a resistance to watching videos, that will expose a point within me that I then judge myself for and push myself to work through. I realize that the judgment is of no affect and does truly only impede on my physical expression, meaning that if I have a thought of judgment I will go into a inferior position and not speak much and look for others to console me. I noticed that today when I picked up my mom…I was judging myself for sleeping that much and I stopped that judgment as I noticed that I had a expression on myself of inferiority. The resistance is gone. There was really nothing to resist. The only point that I see within this is the resistance because I have judged myself. I judged myself as being inferior for allowing myself to sleep, and thus I did not want to face that point as I saw that I gave myself up to something and did not push myself through, and I did not want to expose that point = write it out, post it. So there is no resistance now because, simply there is no more judgment of myself. I am here pushing myself within writing I am still applying myself within reading so that I can analyze things a bit better than seeing what I want to see, hearing what I want to hear…this is cool though as it directly shows me me. I mean as I have been watching the news on Japan I have been directed and stimulated by destructive words, by hopeless situations, so I am still holding onto that want of the world to crumble, of the situation now to be destroyed, but through participating in desteni I have realized that this is not the solution nor what is best for all. If this Nuclear situation gets worse and affects all of Japan that is not what is best for all life, it is not best for all of humanity…maybe it will allow us to see the error of our ways, and possibly give us the motivation to stop and take a look at the consequences of our actions. But that is beside the point, the point within me is the fact that I am still hoping for the destruction of humanity, still blaming humanity for everything that is here, separating myself from humanity. I am equally responsible for what is here, we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of humanity to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself towards destructive words, to destructive scenarios, to `negative` things.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is best for all

Seeing what is best for all is one thing and the reality is another, meaning that the nuclear plant is fucking up…not much I can do about it right now, but what is best for all is not hoping that is will stop and all will be better, it is not allowing this to happen again by changing the world, as well I will look at the reality, not again hoping for destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attracted to destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want there to be no hope for humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all humans

I Realize that hoping for the destruction of humanity does not solve the problem

I realize that doing what is best for all does not include hoping

I stop looking for the destruction of humanity

I am not separate from humanity

I stop myself from hoping

I realize that changing humanities ways is the solution, and within that I must change my ways, so therefore I must change the want for destruction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of the Earth

I forgive myself for acceting and allowing myself to see destruction as a solution

within the want for destruction, it is only a want to avoid responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed on this Earth and not actually a solution

The solution is to make sure that humanity will never bring this hell around again.

the solution is to remove the hell from me.

Make! Believe

Mar 19th 2011 1:20pm


After work I notice that I am quite exhausted. I struggle to participate here. I lose myself within my mind and this is the consequence of allowing myself to move into psychosis which again will take time and effort to correct. So within psychosis I would take words and sounds and make a definition that I wanted to hear or that was already programmed within me. I would take words within music and direct them towards me and use my own words and definitions to create a belief of what it meant to me regarding my life. I went heavy into this creating beliefs that I am god, antichrist, jesus, the devil, much polarized beliefs and I played with myself heavily within that sending myself through massive highs and lows. Anyhow the point is that I made myself hear what I wanted to here, and this is what I do at work. I place myself in a desired position instead of here, I am placing myself in la la land, not focusing on myself here, and thus it takes a lot of thought and energy to create such beliefs and ideas, so after work I become quite exhausted. After I get off work and sit down I do not know where the fuck I am. I sit down and say…shit I am here! I do not realize where I am when working, I really take myself away from here, this is a massive issue for my health. I have allowed myself to move into this through psychosis and this is the consequence of it…not being able to place myself here, I can rarely hear tv analysts, and only when my mind is `calm` can I actually participate in reading, when it is not I again place myself in a projection and/or idea. So now that I can see this clearly I am going to investigate it. And create a plan to stop this because this is seriously limiting me from being here, from realizing myself HERE. I see reading as a starting point for pushing myself through this. I am going to start to read much more, as I watch most vlogs and do not read much blogs, so I am going to start to read more blogs from other desteni members, read the news, read more material…and understand it. I am going to stop listening to music when I can, stop using music as a distraction point I will say, as well I am going to stop tv for 21 days to get myself out of IMAGEination.

Dedicating myself, and stopping

Mar 18th 2011 3:58pm


It is all up to me and my dedication. Today I was making sure that I participated here and removed emotions and feelings when the point stopped, meaning I would participate in a smile or an energetic when talking with someone and remove that immediately. I noticed that for the most part I used sadness to remove and not caring to keep myself directed. Meaning not caring about the people or things going on around me, kept myself focused on myself here, and directed myself within breath. I would have usually focused on things happening around me that I was not involved and backchat my involvement. So I kept a demeanor of not caring and that helped. I did not think about another person, kept myself here focusing on myself. The dedication and discipline point here is not allowing myself to continue participating in that energetic reaction within happiness or positivity but removing that immediately once the interaction has gone. With which I used sadness to remove it…or it felt like sadness, I mean if one were to come down from any type of happiness wouldn’t it feel like sadness. I am using the example of my blood sugar levels. Sometimes I am too high for too often and when I come down to normal it feels as if I am at a low blood sugar level when I am not, so I see this as applicable, to that situation. And I kept myself focused on myself, to not strafe away from myself by participating in thoughts and projections and backchatting towards my surroundings. I find that the method of completely stopping myself and then directing myself when a point comes up meaning I stop the emotions directly after I experience it and re-direct myself from myself participating in what I want to participate in not reacting to the point. So I was dedicating myself to stopping the participation within the energy today and this dedication was firm, I see now that it needs applying here as well, as I am allowing myself to move myself away from realzing that I am here breathing to thoughts and ideas and projections = backchatting

I see now that again I am placing happiness a positivity an idea of `success` within this post so fuck that...It works to stop it like that simply. Meaning the paragraph I wrote above is how it works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of `success` to define myself as.
I am still here, still the same.

Self-Interest and Smoking

Mar 17th 2011 3:33pm


I am sitting now after skateboarding, I am focusing again on self-interests which is skateboarding. I decided to type because I did not want to continue this ignorance of myself. I noticed that I abuse myself extensively with emotions and feelings. I went through another depression faze and started smoking again, well I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking them since. I notie thtat I abuse myself within smoking where I will smoke even though I do not want a cigarette, I do this with food, and physical activity andor work. I push myself too far and do not let up on myself. This cannot continue and I will no let it continue,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through pushin myself too far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to use my physical as a reference of what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical

There is going to need to be a big change in me and I am ready to take that step where I step where I stop allowing myself to continue abusing myself and focus on breath and what is best for me as life and just stop all of this shit that I am allowing to exist within myself. I enjoy writing because it is self-intimacy. It allows me to stop for a second and focus on myself instead of what is going on around me. I can breathe when I write, I enjoy this much more than the hell that I put myself through when thinking. I am not allowing myself to move on this shit further.

The question I ask myself is weeding that part out of myl life what is best for me…I say yes, so that I can participate here more, and thus stand alone here as myself facing myself in every moment because I will ignore myself when I skateboard I will allow myself to participate in the antics, and the best way to weed that out is to move past that point. Bernard has said that if one still has friends then you are leading a double life and that is true so the solution for this is to not wait for myself to stand around my friends but stand here now removing myself from participating in more MCS as I am allowing myself to fall further into my mind instead of standing up. So I stand up here and remove my friends from my life so that I can participate here and focus on myself here.

This is a self-honest point because I know that I will continue to participate in the antics with friends, and so I will remove myself from friends not remove friends from me. Meaning I am stopping participating with the friends I had and focusing on myself. So yes a lot of point came up and that is giving into the antics so keep supporting my ego and personality.

So looking at my writing there is much judgment of myself. Negative judgment which is most likely the polarity play out of the positivity I have been accepting within myself.

Yeah so I started smoking again because there was much backchat about being superior and more than when I moved myself through a point of a desire to smoke. I gave my pack away out of stopping it again. I said fuck it and gave it to a friend…that was an immediate action…I thought about throwing it out and hesitated and then kept it.

As well I smoked again from a large depression point and was holding onto those feelings not moving through them. I did not write myself out and held onto that point of smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a belief of me stopping smoking as being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking is bad for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be good for not smoking

Ok so that was the point right there. I have been resisting posting this/sharing this because I was/saw believing myself to be completely bad for smoking and I must be good for participating in desteni. So I have lost the point here of self-realization in which I went to smoking for a better feeling. I existed within that moment self-interest. And I have fucked with myself by not letting go of this self-interest when forgiving it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing ymself to live my forgiveness, to actually forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in dis-honesties.
I am not good
I am not bad
I do not smoke
I do not not smoke
I breath, here, stop myself, and stabalize myself

So I am taking this slowly right now making sure I move myself in a way that is best for me right now.

Desiring a cigarette and doing what is best for me

Mar 14th 2011 4:08pm


I got home from work a while ago made food and sat down to watch a movie. I allowed myself to give into this point, as I knew that writing would be a better choice to move upon. The movie was inglorious Bastards, and they were smoking quite often within the movie. I started to desire having a cigarette, and was struggling to move past it, I was not standing in that moment. I was not standing because I chose to not write, I chose to sit and stray away from myself here within breath. At a point where I was thinking about buying a pack, and there was an energy within my chest about to, I realized this point, got up got my book and started writing and within the decision to start writing I stopped wanting a cigarette because I no longer accepted myself to continue that pattern of giving up on myself through continuing to participate within watching the movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stray away from myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize what is self-honest within my choices

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch a movie instead of writing myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with movies

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid doing what is best for me.

7:15pm

A relevant point here is that I was just skateboarding with friends and I would want to relate to them and I have done so in th past by giving up on stopping smoking. This time I realized that I do not want to be associated with them as they do not stand for life, they do not stand what is best for all. So it was easier for me to say no to that want to relate. I went skateboarding before writing myself out and placed that before doing what is best for me. Some forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put self-interest above doing what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prioritize skateboarding over writing myself out and placing myself here and doing what is best for me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto friends

I realize what friends actually are now, they do not support one as life. Friends are there to support MCS and bullshit participation within/as life…if one accept and allow it

I realize that I do not want to relate to friends and that relating to friends now will be the death of me

I realize what is important for me to participate in and prioritize.

I stop allowing myself to participate in bullship friendships

I stand for life and stand with all who stand for life and do not stand with people who do not stand for life.