Depression is worthless

Apr 11th 2011


Today I did no backchat as much. I noticed that I was stopping my fears much more. I was not worried about anything. During work I stopped a lot of my backchatting, and was singing more, singing random songs that came into my head. I cut my finger the other day, and this was limiting me within my work, I started to get fearful of not getting everything done in time for the store to open. I let this go and told myself I can only do what I can do in breath and within that I stopped fearing not getting everything done, stopped fearing not working efficiently. So at work I was fine. I got home made food sat down and slept. I slept to sleep but I stayed asleep past the alarm that I had set to get up and do things like buy groceries and go to the library to use the internet. Within sleeping past this time I started to become very depressed for not using my time effectively. I started to watch much more television to distract myself from facing myself. I became depressed because I allowed myself to sleep and knew the consequences of sleeping, and I allowed that knowledge of the consequences to hinder me. I accepted that consequence, which was depression and a lack of a want to write and resisting writing because of the depression. I realize this now that I could not have allowed that to hinder me, that I could have simply got up when I got up and did what I had to do, but I allowed depression to exist and within that I did not want to do anything so I didn’t.

Allowing depression in that moment to exist hindered me completely. I did not have to accept it as a consequence of sleeping. Again this was because I did not follow through on my plan to get things done, my plan of `effectiveness`. So I allowed depression to exist because I was not effective in my life, but I did not need to become depressed, I only had to get up and be effective meaning writing myself out and doing some of my ITD work, and then moving from there. I was resisting writing anything down and started to watch tv. I allowed that to exist for about an hour, then I did the shopping, and when I came back I made some food, and then again watched some tv, still allowing the depression to guide me into doing nothing that will support myself or this world.

It was quite unnessesary to become depressed in that moment, I allowed it because I did not do exactly what I wanted to do, and within this I allowed myself to further delay myself. I could have simply took that moment and fucking directed myself simply rather than allowing myself to fall into depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression for not being effective or using my time effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose depression over directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by depression instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment of waking up after wasting time to waste more time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to in the moment of waking up taking responsibility for myself here and directing myself effectively to support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the moment of waking up go into depression instead of directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in depression looking for something to take me out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from depression through looking for the solution outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the solution to depression as I am the creator of my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch tv when feeling depressed to escape facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to not face my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my creation of depression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within depression taking a directive stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into more depression when feeling depressed instead of standing in that moment becoming self-directive.

In the moment I feel depression I do not accept myself to watch tv or sulk around I take directive movement and I direct my movement to correct my depression

I stop I breathe in the moment of depression I get up I stand and direct myself.

In the moment of depression I will write as it seems to work as that is the reason I became depressed because I was not doing what I knew I should do and giving into resistances.

I do not allow myself to continue in depression when I feel depressed I stand up and I direct myself to do what I need to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances of writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push past the resistances.

I push past these resistances from here further.

Writing Within Ego

Mar 21th 2011 5:27am


I have been allowing myself to participate within ego again. I was just participating in it this morning and fighting with myself to remove it until I realized that I am not it. I am not within my mind I am here. I feel disgusted that I have allowed myself to place myself within a more than role, it is something that does not need to be done and I do it because I `feel good` about myself for something that I have defined myself as. For example if I believe that I have written something `worthwhile` through that belief I make myself believe that I am of worth, and place myself in a position of some worth, if I do not write for a few days I then start to feel of no worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself of a measurement of worth

I cannot measure my worth

worth is an idea of the mind based on something defined as `valuable`

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stabilize myself here when writing

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself here while I write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write to value myself

When I write I place myself here feeling each key stroke to stabilize myself here within the physical.

I am not of the ego

I am not what I think I am

I am not this value and/or worth I have defined

This point bothers me as I get a feeling of disgust because I know that I have not honoured life.

I looked back at my writing from the day before about the suffering of an apple and I realized that it was out of ego, that it was resonating ego. I did not enjoy that realization because I know that I am not more than anything, I know that it really has of no worth or value. “So I have answered the question as I am equal to the apple as life as a being that can feel. “ Within those words…I re-wrote them on the blog post because I knew what I did…It obvious resonates a placement of being more than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego.

This point I know is of ego because I was thinking about that for some time, believing it to be a good question, holding onto it to fuel my ego, and as I posted it to I was looking for a response. So all of those things I noticed yet did not `register` in a sense of exactly what I was doing so I allowed myself to post it not allowing myself to become aware of the fact that it was out of ego.

I stop allowing myself to post out of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write to be seen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write to share myself

I start here writing to share myself.

A Deeper look at Working and Awareness within

Mar 14th 2011 3:30am


I got off of work and I am here with my body and I am quite exhausted. I am breathing and my physical needs rest. So I am here resting, sitting down and watching half assedly a movie, as I am now more attentive to the writing. So this is what I have been allowing myself to do. My breathing within work was ok for the first bit, well not my breathing but my lack of thought., it was non-existent for the first 2-3 hours then I fell into thoughts as I was placing myself within music and ego projections and backchatting. So after that I am now a bit physically exhausted. Now I do do a lot of physical work within that job, so I mean, I can get exhausted…I am not tired sleep wise, I just need physical rest. This is interesting because sometimes I feel like this from my other job and then I will push myself to keep going and go to the library and not allow my physical to rest, as there is not really a comfortable place at the library to rest. There is a lot of lifting within the job that I came from, my arms are tired as well as my legs as I move constantly for 5 hours, and then within my next job I will be constantly moving for 4 hours, constantly standing on my feet. This is a terrible way to make a living, terrible way to live…either we are sitting at a desk for the day or are on our feet for a day, each is not helping the human physical body, this world is created to place stress on every individual so that we exist in that state of stress only worrying about our own life not allowing ourselves to consider all life on this planet, this is from what I have experienced. So Stress is something that needs to be moved past by everyone, and most of this stress is fear of death, fear of loss, fear of survival, in which I have realized does not matter, because it is either going to happen or not, this fear has no use within life, it is only a fucked up point, I mean I can fear losing my job all I want it is not going to change the fact of me losing it or keeping it, therefore fear is purposeless, it is irrelevant to reality, fear does not exist within reality.

Anyways I placed myself within music and not within the physical within breath, so yes music is a distraction point from facing myself within work. I was looking at why I want to distract myself from work, and I came to a point of not wanting to face the fact that I have to work/ do that job to survive, that what I am doing has been valued….now that I look at it it angers me. The value is all placed on looks, on some fucking design, some type of deception….I have to front face at work, and this I really want to escape within because it is so pointless as it is only for a look, it is for the store to look for hiding the empty space behind it, and this is valued within society enough to give money to me for doing it, and I am actually valued less than this point…I as life in this fucking world am valued less than a deceptive point of a look. Meanign that if I do not do this I do not get money, I am not able to support myself thus I am valued less, because in order for me to survive, in order for me to keep living I must do some basic dumb fucking task to get money. The task is valued as money, not me. That is disgusting! The task gets value attributed to it, not me. I must perform the task, and if I do not I get fired and thus no money, no life. I am one and equal to/as the task I realize this yes, it is not separate from me, but the point still remains that if I do not do this task my life is not supported, I must support this task to support myself, and the fact still remains as well that this task is all about a look, that a look that I can create is valued more than myself as breath as without myself doing this task I am not supported as life within/through money. The look, the task has a value to it, as the company values the look, not the life creating the look.

ForcefulNess and Breaking

Feb 25th 2011 2:30-9:30pm


So I just fucked with my computer and I broke a key. I am very forceful with things that need to be handled delicately. So it works still I just have a few keys missing and ust press them hard. And now I am tireder. So it goes. I most likely would have been angry at this fact, If I had not planned on getting a new computer. So with that knowledge I know that I just need to wait for a bit, and the fact that the keys still work is a plus, as I am not limited it just simply looks different.

The point here is that I am forceful with my actions with delicate things, and the system is very delicate. I have been overly forceful with myself in terms or morality and the system. For this situation I had to take my time and investigate how everything works first before I dived in. I dived in and tried to get to the root problem thus fucking everything up. The C key was not pressing properly so there was something underneath it, I have before popper up keys and went underneath on this computer but this one was sticking a bit and I forcefully pulled it up breaking a few pieces and trying to put it back together I removed another key so that I could compare the two, and I ended up not being able to fix that one either. Keys are just tools to use the button underneath so everything still works fine, it only looks different and I have to push the actual button now, instead of the plastic covering the button. I find this happening frequently with me. I want to get at the root of the problem so I force myself right to it, bypassing the inner workings, and then having to dig myself out of the shit I placed myself within, and this goes for me within process. I have placed myself deep within my mind and am having to dig myself out slowly and realize myself slowly, to remove things and finally understand things. So I placed myself in looking at all thoughts and trying to stop them immediately with one breath, and became frustrated with my lack of success, and I created more shit to move through, and now I am slowly realizing what I have to do. For the computer I am happy to talk about that fact that I am going to purchase a new one. A new gadget is something I have always been happy to purchase…new things to screw around with…oh and I enjoyed actually understanding how a key is situated within/as the computer, so I am going to take apart the computer once I have bought a new one, and start to take things apart that I no longer have a use for. Again I am happy to say that I am buying a new computer, it is a materialistic possession that I have been desiring, so in a way I manifested this happening. I am not going to go out immediately and buy one, I am waiting. I have been desiring a new computer to have a more effective tool. This one is quite old, the cd drive is 50/50 working chance, the battery is gone, the processing speed is slow, the hard drive has 40gb which is incredible low for today’s standards, and now the keys are broken, so investing in a new computer is worth it to me. I have been possessed by buying a new laptop because it is a material thing, it is a new gadget to play around with…something `better` within comparison. I have already decided on buying a new one before I did this damage to my computer, so I was not frustrated with this. So lets look at this with money. So If I did not already have the plan to set aside money for this I would have become frustrated over having to get this fixed or put up with this for the duration of the lifespan of the computer. As well I would have not been as inclined to take it apart, and investigate its inner workings because if I got to the point where I broke something I would have had to set aside money to fix it. So money is a limitor here through as investigation. I mean if one spends money on something we try and take as best care as we can of it to keep it in shape and not fuck it up, clothing, electronics, cars, make up, anything we buy, I have done this with a thermos, gloves, shoes, shirts, jeans etc, we limit ourselves from investigating things through fear of having to spend money. So For example when Ibought a pair of white shoes before, I would make sure I walked differently to not scuff them or dirty them in any way. I limited my self-expression through fear of losing value of something. I noticed that Iwas doing this and stopped caring after a while, I did not care if they looked dirty, dirt is just a form of light. I did not care because I had them for a while, as well as spite, many people told me that they will get dirty fast and that that was a `bad` thing, I told them I did not care if they were dirty because I would skate in them anyways and wreck them entirely at somepoint…there is no point in holding onto something the way it is within the current moment, it wil only change and degrade over time.

So I allow myself to fear investigating this world through/as money. I mean if I bought a new gadget I would never take it apart to find out the inner workings through fear of losing value and breaking it thus having to spend more money. So money is a limitor in/as investigation for me. Same thing with clothes…If I buy a new pair of pants I will neglect skateboarding in them through fear of ripping them and thus them losing `value`. I even allow it to affect me buying new foods, investigating my taste, my body, how I exist…my inner workings of me. I know that what I spend money on now is sufficient and different foods are more expensive so I limit myself out of needing money to provide life for me and I need a certain amount to sustain myself in the physical. An equal money system is absolutely needed. 1 products will not be made to break, they will be made to last, money will not be an issue. 2 People will not fear exploring themselves as/within/through the physical through fear of losing money and `wasting` money = wasting the provider of life right now….sad that I write in reality that money is life’s provider. People will not fear wasting money – exploring with money as money will not longer provide life but life will be provided money as a tool to use in this reality freely, equally, within what is best for all. 3 Stress, Anger, Frustration will extensively be removed from ourselves, because if we break through exploring we will not have to compromise some of our money which is the provider of life so we will not have to ever again compromise ourselves. Support an Equal money system for yourself and All life, it is absolutely what all life on this planets NEEDS at this current moment in our entire reality. So why not people~ Seriously why not!

Looking for Stimulation within energy

Feb 23rd 2011 4:15pm


I m wrting here with nothing to write about, know ideas of what to write just myself and the computer and movement. I do not know what to write about, I have no certainty, so I must decide. There has not been anything about myself that is worth writing about. I did not nap today, I have been losing myself in backchatting while at work. I have been reading a introduction to politics book, that I did not return to my highschool. I have been breathing differently.

The breath that I am using, is one that is quick and strong and shallow. I am using this to stop my my thoughts and focus on myself as breath. Instead of using the same pattern of breathing, I have been using this type of breath and it has been working quite effectively and I am enjoying myself within/as it. I was ignoring my thoughts using this breath at first, but I have been using it to stop them and move past them. What would happen is backchatting is I would know that a thought is coming up or a judgment or whatever and I would breathe but not stop the thought, I would still allow it to pass, within this breath I find it easier to focus on myself as breath and within breath and not focus on myself within the mind stopping myelf within the mind. Stopping myself within the mind means placing myself within the physical. I have been doing it differently - stopping myself while still being in the mind. Stopping myself within the mind and not stopping my participation within the mind. I stopped myself within the mind out of fear. A good example of this was while I was at work a while ago I was fighting with yawning, I felt it coming and wanted to stop it I was fighting with it and it came further and I had to completely stop myself physically, it was a robot shutting down, just stopping within one moment everything, freezing myself. I stopped the yawn then and there and then continued my work. I did not stop myself from participating in the mind, I stopped the mind as me. I was fearing yawning in that moment. I did not place myself in the physical as breath, I just stopped like a fucking robot. Stopping the mind will not do anything, as I power it, I must stop myself from participating within the mind. I am not the mind so stopping myself within the mind is only temporary, obviously when I do that I `shut down` and when I place myself in the physical I start becoming aware of my breath and my presence here.



Feb 23rd 2011 4:34pm

I realized that I was participating in energetics. I noticed that I was watching skateboarding videos and not focusing on myself or reading desteni material or watching videos or doing something productive. I was within an energy of `hyperness` and I was not placing myself here within that or stopping myself within that. I calmed myself down and allowed myself to place myself here. And within this I am much more directive. I am not directed by the energy in which I would have been watching or looking for something to `stimulate` me. I noticed this only when it came to a point where I did not know where to go. I have been to all of the sites that I usually go to for skateboarding `news` and was still feeling antsy, I was thinking about playing a video game and applying myself in that direction and decided against it, I then thought…`where do I place myself then`? Meaning where do I place myself with all of the energy that I am within right now. Within that moment I realized that I was participating in energy and this was limiting me from writing myself out effectively as writing does not `stimulate` me. I slowed myself down with a slower breath. So I used energy within breath and slowed myself down and removed it with breath. It is aswell as an `awareness` of myself here. I placed myself here instead of within the energy looking for something to stimulate myself with within that energy. I was looking for something to place myself within as the energy, so that I could `feel` something. I do this frequently with skateboarding. On the walk to work is when I do it the most.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize when I am in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from participating in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within breath, within the physical when I am participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to calm myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become hyper

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from here through participating in energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value within doubt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place value within life.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place value within the physical expression of myself.

Money Point

I looked into how I use money. I use money sparingly. I do ot spend much money. I limit how much I spend, I do not allow myself to spend meaninglessly, meaning a $1.50 surcharge for taking out my money is meaningless. I try and save every penny...try because I cannot. I spend money only when I NEED to. I hold out until I have to use money. I believe that money is supporting my life and that the more I have then the longer I can support myself. This is as Quantity vs Quality point within me. I value the Quantity more than the Quality. The longer my life rather than how I live my life. This must come from how I have grown up. I see that me living empoverished for my childhood would place me in a different situation. I would understand what it means to not have quality and place my value system differently. The problem is that I am valuing more than the other where if I value them equally then my goal is to have a long and healthy life rather than only a long life or only a healthy life.

Judging myself on Grammar, and Popularity

Judging myself with Grammar.


So this revolves around and within Intelligence and Sophistication Believing it to be valuable. I believe that intelligence and sophistication has power within/as it, so I have started to define myself as this to try and make myself believe that I have some type of power over others. This is within Ego. So from when I remember I was not that popular…desiring popularity I started to make myself look for another type of power….one that opposites popularity. That I saw was intelligence, Sophistication. Someone who does not have a lot of friends is always intelligent or sophisticated…and all that high-class shit. So I have tried to uphold the image of myself being intelligent or sophisticated by Judging myself for speaking ill, not speaking according to the definition that I hold within/as sophistication/intelligence. This is all for a form of control of myself so that I can hold myself to only being this definition for power, I control myself by judging myself so that I become that which I judge, so for example if I use a word that does not match my definition of intelligence/sophistication, I judge myself for it making myself feel bad for using it, and not wanting to `feel bad` I then try and not use it again thus controlling myself to become that definition of intelligence/sophistication. Again I want to be perceived as intelligent/sophisticated so that I can not feel inferior to people to have friends, to people who are popular, so that I can use my `knowledge/intelligence` to prove to them that I am superior. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to people who are popular, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for/as/by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be popular, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be significant.

So I have tried to gain the perception of being intelligent/sophisticated to gain power over people who are popular as I saw them as stupid, as being dumb, as purposely talking about Tv, Women, And other things as such, So I surrounded myself with investigating things, looking into the world, and this started off with conspiracy theories, and thus within that I tried to hold my belief of being superior through/as knowledge to those who were popular, believing that I am significant for knowing this and that they are less than for not. As well I held this for emergency situations lol of feeling inferior where I could go into my data bank of knowledge and `say` something, more like repeat something to make me sound intelligent in which I hope the other would feel the same and thus I would not feel inferior to another person, so I have felt inferior to people who I have seen as more intelligent than me, trying to find more information and knowledge so that I could spit more meaningless shit to uphold the image of me being superior through the belief of me being intelligent/sophisticated. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to speak from myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use myself to speak. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as valuable within/as words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take credit for other words spoken, then repeating them as my own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others ideas as my own and trying to make myself sound intelligent/sophisticated .

Judging myself for not being popular.

I have judged myself for not being popular/ not having friends. I have seen friends as support and that one is accepted through/by having friends. I have judged and valued myself as less than people who have friends as I have seen friends as valuable. That I am valued by having friends…as having more friends is like having more `support` for self, Thus being valuable..having others support you because of the belief of Value….That is why we have politicians and leaders, because we value them and support them. So I have judged myself as being inferior/not valuable because I was never `able` to accumulate friends. But knowing the friend structure, it is just a game of pointless talk, there is no support there for life, No one talks about life the whole friendship construct is blinding for me…I do not think about life I do not exist as life, I am a personality, trying to be personable trying to be accepted when I am `friendly`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value popularity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friends. I forgive myself that I have nto accepted and allowed myself to see friends as people. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from people within using the definition of friends. Again…a bit of procrastination so I have lost my place.

I have judged myself for not being popular. I have believed myself to be less than people who have friends. I have seen them as more important as theygot more attention than me, so being popular is about wanting attention. I have desired attention to feed my ego. Again this process always ends up about humbleness, to not care about whether you get attention or not getting attention that you remain stable as yourself within any situation, that is really cool. Again I have written about this point within desiring support around friends….that wanting to be around friends is a point of support for me which is only a point of support for my ego, only a point of support of believing who I am. Judgment only comes from ego, to remove ego I remove all judgment all belief of what is valuable, all belief of who I am, and I just become. So popularity is just what it is, no value, humbleness exists within me, I take a hold of that humbleness and stop all of this desire of attention of ego, of supporting my ego, I support myself with breath and not energy that I create through believing myself to be who I am through validation by/other peoples reactions to my words, actions, thoughts, ideas, anything that comes from me I stop validating through other people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to valuedate myself through/as others reactions towards me. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by/how other people react to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation for a belief of who I am. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to just be. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be humble as life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am something. I am not a belief. I only am.