Self-Interest and Smoking

Mar 17th 2011 3:33pm


I am sitting now after skateboarding, I am focusing again on self-interests which is skateboarding. I decided to type because I did not want to continue this ignorance of myself. I noticed that I abuse myself extensively with emotions and feelings. I went through another depression faze and started smoking again, well I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking them since. I notie thtat I abuse myself within smoking where I will smoke even though I do not want a cigarette, I do this with food, and physical activity andor work. I push myself too far and do not let up on myself. This cannot continue and I will no let it continue,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through pushin myself too far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to use my physical as a reference of what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical

There is going to need to be a big change in me and I am ready to take that step where I step where I stop allowing myself to continue abusing myself and focus on breath and what is best for me as life and just stop all of this shit that I am allowing to exist within myself. I enjoy writing because it is self-intimacy. It allows me to stop for a second and focus on myself instead of what is going on around me. I can breathe when I write, I enjoy this much more than the hell that I put myself through when thinking. I am not allowing myself to move on this shit further.

The question I ask myself is weeding that part out of myl life what is best for me…I say yes, so that I can participate here more, and thus stand alone here as myself facing myself in every moment because I will ignore myself when I skateboard I will allow myself to participate in the antics, and the best way to weed that out is to move past that point. Bernard has said that if one still has friends then you are leading a double life and that is true so the solution for this is to not wait for myself to stand around my friends but stand here now removing myself from participating in more MCS as I am allowing myself to fall further into my mind instead of standing up. So I stand up here and remove my friends from my life so that I can participate here and focus on myself here.

This is a self-honest point because I know that I will continue to participate in the antics with friends, and so I will remove myself from friends not remove friends from me. Meaning I am stopping participating with the friends I had and focusing on myself. So yes a lot of point came up and that is giving into the antics so keep supporting my ego and personality.

So looking at my writing there is much judgment of myself. Negative judgment which is most likely the polarity play out of the positivity I have been accepting within myself.

Yeah so I started smoking again because there was much backchat about being superior and more than when I moved myself through a point of a desire to smoke. I gave my pack away out of stopping it again. I said fuck it and gave it to a friend…that was an immediate action…I thought about throwing it out and hesitated and then kept it.

As well I smoked again from a large depression point and was holding onto those feelings not moving through them. I did not write myself out and held onto that point of smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a belief of me stopping smoking as being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking is bad for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be good for not smoking

Ok so that was the point right there. I have been resisting posting this/sharing this because I was/saw believing myself to be completely bad for smoking and I must be good for participating in desteni. So I have lost the point here of self-realization in which I went to smoking for a better feeling. I existed within that moment self-interest. And I have fucked with myself by not letting go of this self-interest when forgiving it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing ymself to live my forgiveness, to actually forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in dis-honesties.
I am not good
I am not bad
I do not smoke
I do not not smoke
I breath, here, stop myself, and stabalize myself

So I am taking this slowly right now making sure I move myself in a way that is best for me right now.

Love

Right now


Again I am in this state of not wanting to do anything. I want to hide and not be seen and to disappear. I want to be invisible I do not want to participate in this world. I had my hands in my pocket the whole time I was in the mall because I did not want to participate in a thing. I wanted to hide to not be seen to drift by unnoticed so that I could be `free`. I limit myself when I am around people. I allow people to limit me. Limit my voice. I am un happy with my participation with myself, but should I be HAPPY about it? No I should not be happy about it I should know that I am effective within it. I should know that I have applied myself in every moment and will apply myself in every moment and become comfortable with myself knowing that I am effective and stable. So I was depressed and wanted to hide and escape from reality entirely so I did so by entering my mind. I did not want to be here and face myself in reality so I hid myself within my mind. I saw reality a lot different I believed to see each being as its own self. It was just a belief though not a reality because I could only see what I was focusing on and not the whole of life. I have gone through this before and I am just unhappy with my life. I felt completely alone and did not want to go through and continue on with life. I did not want to know that there is nothing to live for in this reality. There is really nothing to live for in this reality. I do not like that fact I have always wanted love and I realize now that love is always why I feel that way…Like I want to hide I want to hide because I get no love. Love I have fucking struggled with for quite a while. And it is a large control point for me. That I have enjoyed the feeling that I have created through media I love movies how it is forever happiness, so the search for love is the pursuit of happiness. The constant happiness. Which I can no longer stand by. Love is a hell that has fucked with me for quite a while, Each time I think about suicide love is involved in some way. The time when I was going to kill myself and planned everything out was because I felt no love. I saw no love in this world and no attachment, something that I have been searching for ever since I belived it to exist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that love exists. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to xist as love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself love. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself.