Self-Image and Getting off topic

Mar 22nd 10:45pm


Stopping the image of myself definitely works at placing myself here. It allows me to feel myself, focus on my physical feeling and disregard the Image and stop judging myself and others. Today I had more of a hard time stopping the image of myself and placing myself within the physical breath. As well as placing myself within the physical touch. The one thing that I have been distracting myself from me here is the sound people are making. I was distracting myself to the conversations people were having…I notice now that this is a similarity to gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eavesdrop on conversations backchatting about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat about people having conversations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply focus on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply hear the sound



I stop judging people for what they talk about.

I realize that all talk is equal to and as talk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value `topics` of talk unequally

All Talk is Equal

And slowly enough I was not focusing on myself within the physical. And that is where I am now. I am here not being abe to focus on myself. Not breathing. Not taking responsibility. I can take this slowly, moment by moment feeling myself here write myself out, taking the time to place myself here correctly. I feel low on energy and wanting to sleep or rest and within this I am not placing myself here. (At that moment I knew that when I got home I would be sleepy and want to sleep and I did end up sleeping, so that Is a point I am going to start to investigate)

This morning I found it difficult to move, to get out of bed. I woke up form my alarm a Few times and each time I would think “Ok now its time to move” I would still lay there, I would have that thought in place within my body but I did not Re-act to the thought = a Reaction would have been getting up in that moment. I stayed in bed layed there for a bit and listened to music for a bit. Cool so now I am here focusing a bit better. I am wanting to smoke a cigarette, to keep myself here. (In that moment I realized that each time I brought myself here a thought would come up of wanting a cigarette, or food, or something to distract myself with. It was not to keep myself here but to distract myself from here) Anyways sleeping this morning was interesting Because…this is all coming from the mind I am not standing up right now and taking charge of myself here. Meaning that I am not placing myself within each word directing the outcome I am allowing myself to run a program of laziness within writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy right now (Lol not actual forgiveness, only a belief that that would fix the `problem`.)

As I layed in bed I was dreaming of getting up. I dreamt that I woke up and got out of bed this was interesting because I can see how I created this. I purposely created this so that I could believe that I was up and was doing what I needed to do. I make that dream and I made myself believe that dream was real. Only when I felt my physical did I realize this was a dream.

Waking Up

Feb 24th 2011 5:41am


I am here having coffee and finishing my breakfast before work. Yesterday I did go the full day without any naps and slept 4 or 5 hours I cannot remember. When I got home from work yesterday I could feel me getting tired. I went to my moms to pick up a government check and I sat down to watch some videos and during one I started to get heavy eyes. I was opening and closing my eyes and found it hard to keep them open. I did not want myself to fall asleep so I looked and found a solution. Each time prior to this I would have most likely fallen asleep. This time I breathed. I breathed hard and fast and this kept me up, this kept me aware and able to here Bernard’s voice. I focused on his voice and not his words. I had to breathe quite `roughly` to keep myself awake in that moment and from not falling asleep or allowing myself to sleep. I ended up putting my head back and my eyes closed and I `slept` for about 3-5min. I was unconscious of this, and as soon as I became conscious of this meaning I had to think that I am asleep to wake myself up, I got myself up.

That is an interesting thing. I have experienced this quite a number of times. I would push my alarm clock and not realize that I have closed my eyes again and am unconscious. I then think about myself sleeping and that I should be up where in I then become conscious that I am asleep and wake myself up. This has happened with school. I have pushed the alarm fell back to sleep and slept through being `on time` for school. As I was sleeping I thought about school, and somewhat became aware of the position that I was in, and realized that I was still sleeping and thought within the moment of waking myself up `Oh shit I am late`. I have missed a few tests due to this. And I am going to start to get up when my alarm goes off. Today that even happened for 2 minutes. I had to piss so I ended up waking up 45min before my alarm and thought about staying up but did not and decided I would enjoy more sleep. The alarm went off, I set it for a half hour later, and repeated the same thing. I then woke up at 5:15 and had to piss again. I stopped the alarm, and laid there, I ended up closing my eyes unconsciously, and fell into `sleep mode`, where in I became aware that I did this…I became aware of the moment that I closed my eyes, I did not become aware of myself within the moment…neat, I became aware of what I did within the past….I was still existing within that one moment of closing my eyes, so I realized this and woke myself up, not knowing how much time went past…it was only 2 min. I have done this with hours and minutes, it all seems like the same amount of time because I still exist within that first moment of closing my eyes. I did not see the fact that I became aware of the moment I closed my eyes before writing this. That is a compromising position to place myself within so I am going to start to wake myself up when the first alarm goes.

Morning Writing

I Have just woken up and I have been trying to write , and this trying is a physical thing. My computer keeps breaking down. So I have not been able to write…well here I am now. I got up and immediately wanted to sleep more. I still feel this way. I feel heavy, and the thought of an extra hour of sleep in a pleasure. The thought of sleep is something that I enjoy. I enjoy it as the idea of sleep, of just relaxing my body and drifting away into the mind where I do not have to be aware, or conscious. Right now I see it as a point in which I move through time, and to give into my feelings. I am feeling and feeling of weakness, in my forearms and legs, As well in the tendens within my forearms connected to my fingers. This happens when I am tired. My forearms become weak and moving my fingers becomes a bit harder, they become stiff and to move my fingers from that stiffness is weird, as if I am waking myself up through using my fingers. Because that’s what happens, I stop typing my forearms become weak and my fingers become immobile, and I start to drift off to sleep,


I woke up not too long ago took a piss in that drowsy state when waking up, and have not been fully awake for a while. I am still allowing myself to exist within a drowsy state by not breathing. Well enough of that. So I woke up took a piss and had a glass of juice. I was thinking about what to eat and or do and could not find anything to attach myself to so I decided to write. I enjoy writing tremendously, it is an absolute please to create words out of myself and place them in physical symbolized form. So I decided to write and get myself physically warm and comfortable to enjoy as much as I can out of this. I am still placing myself in that feeling of drowsy need. I do need to get up out of bed and eat something and start my day, yet I am reluctant as this is very comfortable and I enjoy it and getting out of bed means taking responsibility for myself….Looking at this I apply myself in getting out of bed and there is a large resistance to this , I want to sleep and stay here and simply close my eyes and fall away. It sounds pleasurable, falling away from this reality…but my mind is not real, I do have to let it go, I am not real within my mind, I am not real through defining myself within/as the mind. I am not real within a definition. Ok so I am getting up and eating something

So I got up, got dressed and ate and had a cup of coffee so far. Right now I feel much more awake and here. I yawned at the start as I was not aware of my movement but giving into the mind as a system to systematically move myself and not take actually responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind to not take respnsiblity for each and every movement I make wthin the physical reality as well as mental reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my mind, allowing the system I have created and am responsible for to direct me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself here in each and every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through not placing myself and directing myself here in EACH moment within/as breath as me as life.

I am glad that I woke myself up today. Writing out write now is a pleasure. As well I am glad because I have struggles with this point, and now I see I only allow myself to struggle with this point because I simply do not want to give it up…that is why I know that I am going to give up happiness because I want to now let it go and I now can let it go because I do not want to hold onto it any longer, so what is interesting is that I no longer experience frustration when I participate in memories of happiness, I simply stop and place myself here and continue because I know that I do not want to hold onto it so I let it go by not getting frustrated over it which is completely cool.



This computer has now become un-reliable. It keeps on freezing…the image does at least. There is something wrong with the power cord plug in. So I either get it fixed or buy a new one…I am drawn to buying a new one as I see it as being a lot more useful in terms of performance and productivity…but really I simply want a new laptop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through using ideas and words to justify my wants. So yes I simply want one, now I must save to get there. I do not have a lot of money left for spending so I am going to have to wait and really save my money.

Sleep and Distractions

I slept for 12 hours today. I was planning on sleeping for 4...yesterday as I went out for a cigarette I thought about sleep. I thought about how I would apply myself within sleep. I was thinking about how I have been effective for sleeping no more than 6 hours a night for 5 days, within this the thought came up of since I have been effective I must now be uneffective*. And then a fear arose within me of sinse I thought that thought it has the potential to manifest. I was talking to myself saying no I will sleep only 4 hours and use breath to wake me up and move myself. I got tired around 10:30 and started to lay down and watch videos. I set my alarm clock for 2:30am and fell asleep. I do not remember exactly turning it off when it went off all I know is that I did. I remember pressing the button to stop it but I do not remember any thoughts that were going in my head and obviously I did not use my breath to wake myself up. When I did wake up I was unhappy with myself in not waking up from sleeping 4 hours. This is a point of judgment and expectations. I expect myself to sleep that amount of time. I have not looked at it. I was unaware of myself stopping the alarm and falling back  to sleep. I did this unconsciously. I am not sure why this was for, I do not think I needed the sleep, My cold has seemed to disappear, I did not feel completely fatigued. It was a point where I did not stand up in. I did not create a point to actually wake up. I allowed myself to sleep in and access my unconscious to allow myself to further sleep without being aware of my actions so that I wouldn't have to `take responsibility`.

After waking up and going through the routine, I went on the internet to check up on I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a baby and to fear being treated like a baby. Right now Mymom is speaking to the dog in a baby voice, and I am having a reaction of I fucking hate that tonality. Because I do not want to be treated like a baby and I dislike it because Parents have allowed a belief that one is superior to a baby because they cannot understand them. Fuck I hate that shit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from babies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear patronization. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being babied. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be loved like a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse of life through allowing inferiority and superiority beliefs and constructs.
Back to the topic. I have been playing Runescape and I want to Run Escape from this world by playing video games. I want to escape from myself by/through playing video games. I have been distracting myself with these video games from my life. I was watching a video and trying to read while playing this game and it is not effective in any way. What was interesting is that as I tried to open up a link from the ITD program is asked me to log off the game so that it could open up the link. I declined and tried to find a solution around this. So I am not willing to give up the game because it gives me something to focus on instead of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my hate for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and escape from facing myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself and stand here looking inwards and facing myself as what I have become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have become. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move through and face that which I have become re-moving myself to acting within what is best for all. Obviously video games are not useful in anyway and only exist as a distraction point for many people.