Within self-gratification we accept the opposite. Today was 2 days without a cigarette and I was feeling gratified at myself for not smoking. To end the point here I decided to smoke…anyways within the gratification I thus accept myself smoking. Through the acceptance of feeling gratified for not smoking, I must accept myself as smoking to feel the gratification. Thus within that point self-gratification became a point of abuse within/as/towards myself, and thus why I fell on the point. When I felt gratified about stopping smoking, I had to accept myself first as a smoker, and then accept myself as stopping and then accept the self-gratification of `stopping` smoking, thus I have to accept myself as smoking to get to that point. Thus it is not a point that I am able to stand within infinitely/eternally as self-gratification of stopping smoking because then within that I must always stop smoking which is not in essence stopping! To stop something means to remove all points within it and to not participate in anything within the point itself. For example for me to stop greed first greed must exist within me. To stop all participation in points that revolve or connect to greed is to stop it. Meaning that through stopping all points related to greed one does not again exist in greed thus greed stops. Greed may still be here but it is our choice of whether or not to participate in it or anything related to it that in fact stops greed. Or lets take the discrimination of/towards women in this world. To stop this completely we must stop all thoughts about females as separate from ourselves meaning that we do not think of them as less than or different from ourselves. It is to stop all participation in conversations that revolve around females being discriminated and within the stopping of that conversation is to stand up in that moment and redirect it to a point that is not discriminatory towards females. It is to stand up in that moment and speak against the discrimination of/to/towards females and place a stop and an end to the conversation in that point. Stopping all and everything related around one point is effective stopping, through a decision to not participate in it or to allow it in ones reality.
Showing posts with label Stopping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stopping. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Stopping Backchat at Work
Apr 4th 2011 11:58
I find it hard to stop backchatting at work. I do not stop and take a breath I constantly push myself to keep working and within that constant pushing I do not stop the breathe. I do not stop the thought process until I get home and sit down and relax for a bit. I noticed today as well that I will always end up at sex or money and then I will judge myself and say stop or no. that judgment I am working on at the moment accepting the fact that I always end up thinking about sex or money. And it comes from any thought, I can think probably about anything and it will end up in sex. I think about one person and then it leads to another and eventually it turns into sex. And the money part is primarily about fear of lack of and I use backchat to try and equate the pattern but it never works out. I use backchat as well as a form of comfort by placing myself within my mind and thinking heavily about anything.
When I get home I stop. There is no fear here at home. I am not in a situation where I am expected to perorm or have to meet any standards or codes, I can be me and relax. So I am definitely tense at work. I am tense because I feel like I am being constantly watched and judged on my actions and my work `effort`. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my work effort. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my work effort to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I have written about this point before and still I have not followed through on this point so I am going to keep on investigating myself at work. I notice that I have to take it slow at work, calm myself down and breathe and remove the fear of being watched or seen doing my work and simply focus on my self working.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down at work, breathe and investigate myself stop, and focus on myself working
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself while working within the fear of losing my job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my job
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing my job to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear.
I find it hard to stop backchatting at work. I do not stop and take a breath I constantly push myself to keep working and within that constant pushing I do not stop the breathe. I do not stop the thought process until I get home and sit down and relax for a bit. I noticed today as well that I will always end up at sex or money and then I will judge myself and say stop or no. that judgment I am working on at the moment accepting the fact that I always end up thinking about sex or money. And it comes from any thought, I can think probably about anything and it will end up in sex. I think about one person and then it leads to another and eventually it turns into sex. And the money part is primarily about fear of lack of and I use backchat to try and equate the pattern but it never works out. I use backchat as well as a form of comfort by placing myself within my mind and thinking heavily about anything.
When I get home I stop. There is no fear here at home. I am not in a situation where I am expected to perorm or have to meet any standards or codes, I can be me and relax. So I am definitely tense at work. I am tense because I feel like I am being constantly watched and judged on my actions and my work `effort`. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my work effort. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my work effort to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I have written about this point before and still I have not followed through on this point so I am going to keep on investigating myself at work. I notice that I have to take it slow at work, calm myself down and breathe and remove the fear of being watched or seen doing my work and simply focus on my self working.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down at work, breathe and investigate myself stop, and focus on myself working
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself while working within the fear of losing my job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my job
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing my job to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Strict on Myself - Not the Solution
Right now My starting point for the day is to be effective. Making sure that I stick to my principles and doing everything `right`. Within this I am being very strict on myself. I am not Allowing myself to be. I am holding myself tightly, watching for any `Slip up` of abuse. negativity is not the only abuse, it is also positivity. So I am holding myself tightly only watching for perceived negativity, allowing the positivity, as well not allowing myself to live here. Within this I have been placing myself in my mind holding myself there and watching - being on guard - for any negative thoughts - Thus allowing thoughts, because if I have to watch for thoughts I am thus allowing thoughts, and if there is a reasons for me to be on guard, I am creating that reason.
I let this Go now.
I let this Go now.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Pushing through Resistances - Wanting Destruction
Mar 20th 2011 1:21pm
I did have a resistance to writing when I woke up. I had a resistance because I slept 13 hours. I simply let myself sleep that amount of time because I do have anything to do right in that moment. I have noticed that I do this more frequently at my moms, I have been sleeping until the last minute, and neglecting to do my insulin on a schedule. I start to give up on myself here, and allow the pre-programming to take control instead of taking control of myself. I do not necessarily have a resistance to writing but I have a resistance to applying myself of taking that breath and looking inward at myself in what I am currently. There is a resistance to watching videos, that will expose a point within me that I then judge myself for and push myself to work through. I realize that the judgment is of no affect and does truly only impede on my physical expression, meaning that if I have a thought of judgment I will go into a inferior position and not speak much and look for others to console me. I noticed that today when I picked up my mom…I was judging myself for sleeping that much and I stopped that judgment as I noticed that I had a expression on myself of inferiority. The resistance is gone. There was really nothing to resist. The only point that I see within this is the resistance because I have judged myself. I judged myself as being inferior for allowing myself to sleep, and thus I did not want to face that point as I saw that I gave myself up to something and did not push myself through, and I did not want to expose that point = write it out, post it. So there is no resistance now because, simply there is no more judgment of myself. I am here pushing myself within writing I am still applying myself within reading so that I can analyze things a bit better than seeing what I want to see, hearing what I want to hear…this is cool though as it directly shows me me. I mean as I have been watching the news on Japan I have been directed and stimulated by destructive words, by hopeless situations, so I am still holding onto that want of the world to crumble, of the situation now to be destroyed, but through participating in desteni I have realized that this is not the solution nor what is best for all. If this Nuclear situation gets worse and affects all of Japan that is not what is best for all life, it is not best for all of humanity…maybe it will allow us to see the error of our ways, and possibly give us the motivation to stop and take a look at the consequences of our actions. But that is beside the point, the point within me is the fact that I am still hoping for the destruction of humanity, still blaming humanity for everything that is here, separating myself from humanity. I am equally responsible for what is here, we all are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of humanity to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself towards destructive words, to destructive scenarios, to `negative` things.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is best for all
Seeing what is best for all is one thing and the reality is another, meaning that the nuclear plant is fucking up…not much I can do about it right now, but what is best for all is not hoping that is will stop and all will be better, it is not allowing this to happen again by changing the world, as well I will look at the reality, not again hoping for destruction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attracted to destruction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want there to be no hope for humanity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all humans
I Realize that hoping for the destruction of humanity does not solve the problem
I realize that doing what is best for all does not include hoping
I stop looking for the destruction of humanity
I am not separate from humanity
I stop myself from hoping
I realize that changing humanities ways is the solution, and within that I must change my ways, so therefore I must change the want for destruction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of the Earth
I forgive myself for acceting and allowing myself to see destruction as a solution
within the want for destruction, it is only a want to avoid responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed on this Earth and not actually a solution
The solution is to make sure that humanity will never bring this hell around again.
the solution is to remove the hell from me.
I did have a resistance to writing when I woke up. I had a resistance because I slept 13 hours. I simply let myself sleep that amount of time because I do have anything to do right in that moment. I have noticed that I do this more frequently at my moms, I have been sleeping until the last minute, and neglecting to do my insulin on a schedule. I start to give up on myself here, and allow the pre-programming to take control instead of taking control of myself. I do not necessarily have a resistance to writing but I have a resistance to applying myself of taking that breath and looking inward at myself in what I am currently. There is a resistance to watching videos, that will expose a point within me that I then judge myself for and push myself to work through. I realize that the judgment is of no affect and does truly only impede on my physical expression, meaning that if I have a thought of judgment I will go into a inferior position and not speak much and look for others to console me. I noticed that today when I picked up my mom…I was judging myself for sleeping that much and I stopped that judgment as I noticed that I had a expression on myself of inferiority. The resistance is gone. There was really nothing to resist. The only point that I see within this is the resistance because I have judged myself. I judged myself as being inferior for allowing myself to sleep, and thus I did not want to face that point as I saw that I gave myself up to something and did not push myself through, and I did not want to expose that point = write it out, post it. So there is no resistance now because, simply there is no more judgment of myself. I am here pushing myself within writing I am still applying myself within reading so that I can analyze things a bit better than seeing what I want to see, hearing what I want to hear…this is cool though as it directly shows me me. I mean as I have been watching the news on Japan I have been directed and stimulated by destructive words, by hopeless situations, so I am still holding onto that want of the world to crumble, of the situation now to be destroyed, but through participating in desteni I have realized that this is not the solution nor what is best for all. If this Nuclear situation gets worse and affects all of Japan that is not what is best for all life, it is not best for all of humanity…maybe it will allow us to see the error of our ways, and possibly give us the motivation to stop and take a look at the consequences of our actions. But that is beside the point, the point within me is the fact that I am still hoping for the destruction of humanity, still blaming humanity for everything that is here, separating myself from humanity. I am equally responsible for what is here, we all are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of humanity to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself towards destructive words, to destructive scenarios, to `negative` things.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what is best for all
Seeing what is best for all is one thing and the reality is another, meaning that the nuclear plant is fucking up…not much I can do about it right now, but what is best for all is not hoping that is will stop and all will be better, it is not allowing this to happen again by changing the world, as well I will look at the reality, not again hoping for destruction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be attracted to destruction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want there to be no hope for humanity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all humans
I Realize that hoping for the destruction of humanity does not solve the problem
I realize that doing what is best for all does not include hoping
I stop looking for the destruction of humanity
I am not separate from humanity
I stop myself from hoping
I realize that changing humanities ways is the solution, and within that I must change my ways, so therefore I must change the want for destruction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the destruction of the Earth
I forgive myself for acceting and allowing myself to see destruction as a solution
within the want for destruction, it is only a want to avoid responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed on this Earth and not actually a solution
The solution is to make sure that humanity will never bring this hell around again.
the solution is to remove the hell from me.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Dedicating myself, and stopping
Mar 18th 2011 3:58pm
It is all up to me and my dedication. Today I was making sure that I participated here and removed emotions and feelings when the point stopped, meaning I would participate in a smile or an energetic when talking with someone and remove that immediately. I noticed that for the most part I used sadness to remove and not caring to keep myself directed. Meaning not caring about the people or things going on around me, kept myself focused on myself here, and directed myself within breath. I would have usually focused on things happening around me that I was not involved and backchat my involvement. So I kept a demeanor of not caring and that helped. I did not think about another person, kept myself here focusing on myself. The dedication and discipline point here is not allowing myself to continue participating in that energetic reaction within happiness or positivity but removing that immediately once the interaction has gone. With which I used sadness to remove it…or it felt like sadness, I mean if one were to come down from any type of happiness wouldn’t it feel like sadness. I am using the example of my blood sugar levels. Sometimes I am too high for too often and when I come down to normal it feels as if I am at a low blood sugar level when I am not, so I see this as applicable, to that situation. And I kept myself focused on myself, to not strafe away from myself by participating in thoughts and projections and backchatting towards my surroundings. I find that the method of completely stopping myself and then directing myself when a point comes up meaning I stop the emotions directly after I experience it and re-direct myself from myself participating in what I want to participate in not reacting to the point. So I was dedicating myself to stopping the participation within the energy today and this dedication was firm, I see now that it needs applying here as well, as I am allowing myself to move myself away from realzing that I am here breathing to thoughts and ideas and projections = backchatting
I see now that again I am placing happiness a positivity an idea of `success` within this post so fuck that...It works to stop it like that simply. Meaning the paragraph I wrote above is how it works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of `success` to define myself as.
I am still here, still the same.
It is all up to me and my dedication. Today I was making sure that I participated here and removed emotions and feelings when the point stopped, meaning I would participate in a smile or an energetic when talking with someone and remove that immediately. I noticed that for the most part I used sadness to remove and not caring to keep myself directed. Meaning not caring about the people or things going on around me, kept myself focused on myself here, and directed myself within breath. I would have usually focused on things happening around me that I was not involved and backchat my involvement. So I kept a demeanor of not caring and that helped. I did not think about another person, kept myself here focusing on myself. The dedication and discipline point here is not allowing myself to continue participating in that energetic reaction within happiness or positivity but removing that immediately once the interaction has gone. With which I used sadness to remove it…or it felt like sadness, I mean if one were to come down from any type of happiness wouldn’t it feel like sadness. I am using the example of my blood sugar levels. Sometimes I am too high for too often and when I come down to normal it feels as if I am at a low blood sugar level when I am not, so I see this as applicable, to that situation. And I kept myself focused on myself, to not strafe away from myself by participating in thoughts and projections and backchatting towards my surroundings. I find that the method of completely stopping myself and then directing myself when a point comes up meaning I stop the emotions directly after I experience it and re-direct myself from myself participating in what I want to participate in not reacting to the point. So I was dedicating myself to stopping the participation within the energy today and this dedication was firm, I see now that it needs applying here as well, as I am allowing myself to move myself away from realzing that I am here breathing to thoughts and ideas and projections = backchatting
I see now that again I am placing happiness a positivity an idea of `success` within this post so fuck that...It works to stop it like that simply. Meaning the paragraph I wrote above is how it works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of `success` to define myself as.
I am still here, still the same.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Self-Interest and Smoking
Mar 17th 2011 3:33pm
I am sitting now after skateboarding, I am focusing again on self-interests which is skateboarding. I decided to type because I did not want to continue this ignorance of myself. I noticed that I abuse myself extensively with emotions and feelings. I went through another depression faze and started smoking again, well I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking them since. I notie thtat I abuse myself within smoking where I will smoke even though I do not want a cigarette, I do this with food, and physical activity andor work. I push myself too far and do not let up on myself. This cannot continue and I will no let it continue,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through pushin myself too far
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to use my physical as a reference of what is best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical
There is going to need to be a big change in me and I am ready to take that step where I step where I stop allowing myself to continue abusing myself and focus on breath and what is best for me as life and just stop all of this shit that I am allowing to exist within myself. I enjoy writing because it is self-intimacy. It allows me to stop for a second and focus on myself instead of what is going on around me. I can breathe when I write, I enjoy this much more than the hell that I put myself through when thinking. I am not allowing myself to move on this shit further.
The question I ask myself is weeding that part out of myl life what is best for me…I say yes, so that I can participate here more, and thus stand alone here as myself facing myself in every moment because I will ignore myself when I skateboard I will allow myself to participate in the antics, and the best way to weed that out is to move past that point. Bernard has said that if one still has friends then you are leading a double life and that is true so the solution for this is to not wait for myself to stand around my friends but stand here now removing myself from participating in more MCS as I am allowing myself to fall further into my mind instead of standing up. So I stand up here and remove my friends from my life so that I can participate here and focus on myself here.
This is a self-honest point because I know that I will continue to participate in the antics with friends, and so I will remove myself from friends not remove friends from me. Meaning I am stopping participating with the friends I had and focusing on myself. So yes a lot of point came up and that is giving into the antics so keep supporting my ego and personality.
So looking at my writing there is much judgment of myself. Negative judgment which is most likely the polarity play out of the positivity I have been accepting within myself.
Yeah so I started smoking again because there was much backchat about being superior and more than when I moved myself through a point of a desire to smoke. I gave my pack away out of stopping it again. I said fuck it and gave it to a friend…that was an immediate action…I thought about throwing it out and hesitated and then kept it.
As well I smoked again from a large depression point and was holding onto those feelings not moving through them. I did not write myself out and held onto that point of smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a belief of me stopping smoking as being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking is bad for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be good for not smoking
Ok so that was the point right there. I have been resisting posting this/sharing this because I was/saw believing myself to be completely bad for smoking and I must be good for participating in desteni. So I have lost the point here of self-realization in which I went to smoking for a better feeling. I existed within that moment self-interest. And I have fucked with myself by not letting go of this self-interest when forgiving it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing ymself to live my forgiveness, to actually forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in dis-honesties.
I am not good
I am not bad
I do not smoke
I do not not smoke
I breath, here, stop myself, and stabalize myself
So I am taking this slowly right now making sure I move myself in a way that is best for me right now.
I am sitting now after skateboarding, I am focusing again on self-interests which is skateboarding. I decided to type because I did not want to continue this ignorance of myself. I noticed that I abuse myself extensively with emotions and feelings. I went through another depression faze and started smoking again, well I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been smoking them since. I notie thtat I abuse myself within smoking where I will smoke even though I do not want a cigarette, I do this with food, and physical activity andor work. I push myself too far and do not let up on myself. This cannot continue and I will no let it continue,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through pushin myself too far
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to use my physical as a reference of what is best for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical
There is going to need to be a big change in me and I am ready to take that step where I step where I stop allowing myself to continue abusing myself and focus on breath and what is best for me as life and just stop all of this shit that I am allowing to exist within myself. I enjoy writing because it is self-intimacy. It allows me to stop for a second and focus on myself instead of what is going on around me. I can breathe when I write, I enjoy this much more than the hell that I put myself through when thinking. I am not allowing myself to move on this shit further.
The question I ask myself is weeding that part out of myl life what is best for me…I say yes, so that I can participate here more, and thus stand alone here as myself facing myself in every moment because I will ignore myself when I skateboard I will allow myself to participate in the antics, and the best way to weed that out is to move past that point. Bernard has said that if one still has friends then you are leading a double life and that is true so the solution for this is to not wait for myself to stand around my friends but stand here now removing myself from participating in more MCS as I am allowing myself to fall further into my mind instead of standing up. So I stand up here and remove my friends from my life so that I can participate here and focus on myself here.
This is a self-honest point because I know that I will continue to participate in the antics with friends, and so I will remove myself from friends not remove friends from me. Meaning I am stopping participating with the friends I had and focusing on myself. So yes a lot of point came up and that is giving into the antics so keep supporting my ego and personality.
So looking at my writing there is much judgment of myself. Negative judgment which is most likely the polarity play out of the positivity I have been accepting within myself.
Yeah so I started smoking again because there was much backchat about being superior and more than when I moved myself through a point of a desire to smoke. I gave my pack away out of stopping it again. I said fuck it and gave it to a friend…that was an immediate action…I thought about throwing it out and hesitated and then kept it.
As well I smoked again from a large depression point and was holding onto those feelings not moving through them. I did not write myself out and held onto that point of smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a belief of me stopping smoking as being good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking is bad for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad for smoking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be good for not smoking
Ok so that was the point right there. I have been resisting posting this/sharing this because I was/saw believing myself to be completely bad for smoking and I must be good for participating in desteni. So I have lost the point here of self-realization in which I went to smoking for a better feeling. I existed within that moment self-interest. And I have fucked with myself by not letting go of this self-interest when forgiving it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing ymself to live my forgiveness, to actually forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to particpate in dis-honesties.
I am not good
I am not bad
I do not smoke
I do not not smoke
I breath, here, stop myself, and stabalize myself
So I am taking this slowly right now making sure I move myself in a way that is best for me right now.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Self-Application
Mar 13th 12:43pm 2011
On my way to this coffee shop I noticed that again I was not aware of my breath and through this I placed myself within my breath and looked at what I was within breath, and I noticed that I am fearing my application of myself. On the way here I knew that I would be watching videos and writing and facing myself, and this I feared because I have not been equally applying myself in each moment. I feared pushing myself past this point to where I apply myself here in each moment. I feared using my time `wisely` instead of this free choice…I fear giving up my free choice to fall into desires and the same ugly shit I have been existing within. I feared facing this point – the point that I have not been applying myself the way I would like myself to apply myself in each moment. I have been allowing myself to stray away from what I can do within these points that I am giving myself and not pushing myself within these points but allowing myself to fall into desire and distraction. I was fearing myself within applying myself directly here within breath. As right now I am hiding myself within myself not placing myself directly here. I am In a public coffee shop and for some reason I am not allowing myself to expose myself here within breath. I am not exposing myself to myself within breath, in which I realize that this is because I am looking at other people comparing myself to them, and as soon as I type that I place myself here free from comparison now focusing on myself typing here and what I can do here instead of looking out the window or at other people within the coffee shop. I am now not fearing myself here I am accepting myself being here, being open, being vulnerable, and not fearing it because I am not allowing myself to compromise myself. I stand stable here within what I stand for = and 1ness. Ah I was placing myself within my personality to try and attain attention, and now I am here breathing as my body not wanting attention….Neat how I was giving others attention and in which I was looking for attention. Now I am paying attention to myself and what can be done here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use personality to gain attention to feed ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself through paying attention to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own application
I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself to fear facing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to act within and upon
I realize that I am responsibile for my actions
I realize that I have to take control of myself within applying myself equally in each situation/environment I am within
I stop I breathe and I face myself when I realize I am not breathing
I fear my application of myself here within this moment through equally applying myself in each moment in doing what is best for all as myself. As I have been neglecting myself in some moments allowing myself to recently fall into desires. I have been distracting myself from myself here within the physical and breath. So I have only been fearing this because I did not want to face this point. And now through writing this out I face myself deception of myself here and my application of myself.
On my way to this coffee shop I noticed that again I was not aware of my breath and through this I placed myself within my breath and looked at what I was within breath, and I noticed that I am fearing my application of myself. On the way here I knew that I would be watching videos and writing and facing myself, and this I feared because I have not been equally applying myself in each moment. I feared pushing myself past this point to where I apply myself here in each moment. I feared using my time `wisely` instead of this free choice…I fear giving up my free choice to fall into desires and the same ugly shit I have been existing within. I feared facing this point – the point that I have not been applying myself the way I would like myself to apply myself in each moment. I have been allowing myself to stray away from what I can do within these points that I am giving myself and not pushing myself within these points but allowing myself to fall into desire and distraction. I was fearing myself within applying myself directly here within breath. As right now I am hiding myself within myself not placing myself directly here. I am In a public coffee shop and for some reason I am not allowing myself to expose myself here within breath. I am not exposing myself to myself within breath, in which I realize that this is because I am looking at other people comparing myself to them, and as soon as I type that I place myself here free from comparison now focusing on myself typing here and what I can do here instead of looking out the window or at other people within the coffee shop. I am now not fearing myself here I am accepting myself being here, being open, being vulnerable, and not fearing it because I am not allowing myself to compromise myself. I stand stable here within what I stand for = and 1ness. Ah I was placing myself within my personality to try and attain attention, and now I am here breathing as my body not wanting attention….Neat how I was giving others attention and in which I was looking for attention. Now I am paying attention to myself and what can be done here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use personality to gain attention to feed ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself through paying attention to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own application
I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself to fear facing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to act within and upon
I realize that I am responsibile for my actions
I realize that I have to take control of myself within applying myself equally in each situation/environment I am within
I stop I breathe and I face myself when I realize I am not breathing
I fear my application of myself here within this moment through equally applying myself in each moment in doing what is best for all as myself. As I have been neglecting myself in some moments allowing myself to recently fall into desires. I have been distracting myself from myself here within the physical and breath. So I have only been fearing this because I did not want to face this point. And now through writing this out I face myself deception of myself here and my application of myself.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Backchatting at Work and Co-workers
I have purposely placed the word `Co-workers` to invite and entice my co-workers to read this. My blog is an exposure of me showing the reality of myself to anyone who reads it myself included. It it is process of self-realization of who and how I have become what I have become, and an process of self-investigation, so yes there are topics in my blog which are the most intimate moments with/as myself. Read if you want
Enjoy
Feb 23rd 2011 11:15am
A co-worker today told me that he has been reading my blog. I laughed and was embarrassed as there is much personal stuff on there and felt very vulnerable in that moment. I have found out that other co-workers have read it as well. So looking at this, sure I am completely vulnerable through this and now I am going to have to watch what I say…It will never be about others but it could definitely be about my job.
I have been breathing and removing myself from backchatting today. I have been placing myself within the physical. I have in the past few days been very exhausted after work because of the backchatting that I have been doing while at work, so I decided to really push myself within this today. I was able to stop it quite frequently. I definitely did not stop it completely, I stopped it and was able to focus on myself within breath and within my body, and got out of my mind and the ideas and situations that I was creating within my mind. There was a long moment where I was getting wuite frustrated at myself for participating in backchatting and not stopping it. I would loop the fuck out of myself always participating in the past and observing the past which extensively fucked me up. I would think stop backchatting then look at that thought, think about the fact that I looked at the thought `stop backchatting` and this would lead into infinity and I would get completely frustrated for not stopping, and I would have to stop everything and just breathe or I would have gone fucking insane. This lasted until I realized that I have to completely let go of the backchatting and not judge myself nor look back and participate in the current moment the moment I breathe and completely let go of the backchatting that I was holding onto. This resulted in no frustration, I disregarded the past as the past and moved on within breath. This is helping me to not get angry and to not get frustrated about backchatting, believing that I must stop it. Instead of believing that I must stop it which infinitely loops me within the past, I actually stop it. Meaning I stop it within the breath and moment I become aware of myself backchatting, instead of believing that I must stop it, within believing that I must stop it I look at the past and judge myself within the belief that I must stop it thus infinitely looping me within the past. So I removed the infinite loop I was creating for myself and placed myself within the physical as breath each moment I caught myself, instead of worrying about what I have done in the past. So cool experience there, as I have stopped much of my backchatting, and cause of my frustration within my mind.
During the moment The co-worker told me he read my blog, I was quite nervous…and embarrassed, not being able to `hide` any longer. Not being able to hide the fact that I am part of desteni…which is quite cool as he actually looked into desteni, he said he watched anti-desteni and as soon as I heard the word desteni come from a person who does not participate in desteni, I was weirded out…lol. It was not `normal` to me, I have not heard anyone say desteni outside of desteni before with such non-chalance. So This shows that I am still living a `double life` where I do not incorporate both my personality and what I must do within the system and desteni as speaking about reality and truth, and what Really exists as this world as us as humans.
It was interesting to hear someone speak to me about desteni. After that happened I went into thoughts about how I must now watch what I say when blogging/vlogging, but I really do not. I have been allowing myself to write whatever and now only the information and knowledge that people in my direct reality are reading my blog in limiting me. So shows was knowledge and information does, it only limits ones ability to perceive reality.
I have been possessed by this point, Worrying what others at work are now thinking about me and there are a few things that I must realize. 1 I do not change through a different idea within another, meaning that just because another now `sees` `perceives` `thinks` about me differently, I do not change, I stay the same as the physical. If someone has a `new` idea about me it is just an idea, not real I stay the same as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an idea. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am physical here as all equal to all physical existence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to affect myself with thoughts.
2 Only I allow this affect to exist within me. I accept and allow myself to be affected by others thoughts through backchatting about the fact that others now `know` something `more` `different` about me. Backchatting about a belief that others may hold now towards me through knowledge information perception and judgment . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information by judging myself, by creating a perception of myself and by defining myself through knowledge and information.
I am allowing myself to worry how I will handle this event, as many points about me are now vulnerable that I did not allow myself to expose unconditionally in every moment of and as myself. So be it. It does not matter, I will take the conflict if any exist, any judgment if existent, and handle it with self-honesty. That is all that I can do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to people. I forgivemyself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally expose myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from certain people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separate personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created myself as personality. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my/the environment for creating myself as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as personality.
Enjoy
Feb 23rd 2011 11:15am
A co-worker today told me that he has been reading my blog. I laughed and was embarrassed as there is much personal stuff on there and felt very vulnerable in that moment. I have found out that other co-workers have read it as well. So looking at this, sure I am completely vulnerable through this and now I am going to have to watch what I say…It will never be about others but it could definitely be about my job.
I have been breathing and removing myself from backchatting today. I have been placing myself within the physical. I have in the past few days been very exhausted after work because of the backchatting that I have been doing while at work, so I decided to really push myself within this today. I was able to stop it quite frequently. I definitely did not stop it completely, I stopped it and was able to focus on myself within breath and within my body, and got out of my mind and the ideas and situations that I was creating within my mind. There was a long moment where I was getting wuite frustrated at myself for participating in backchatting and not stopping it. I would loop the fuck out of myself always participating in the past and observing the past which extensively fucked me up. I would think stop backchatting then look at that thought, think about the fact that I looked at the thought `stop backchatting` and this would lead into infinity and I would get completely frustrated for not stopping, and I would have to stop everything and just breathe or I would have gone fucking insane. This lasted until I realized that I have to completely let go of the backchatting and not judge myself nor look back and participate in the current moment the moment I breathe and completely let go of the backchatting that I was holding onto. This resulted in no frustration, I disregarded the past as the past and moved on within breath. This is helping me to not get angry and to not get frustrated about backchatting, believing that I must stop it. Instead of believing that I must stop it which infinitely loops me within the past, I actually stop it. Meaning I stop it within the breath and moment I become aware of myself backchatting, instead of believing that I must stop it, within believing that I must stop it I look at the past and judge myself within the belief that I must stop it thus infinitely looping me within the past. So I removed the infinite loop I was creating for myself and placed myself within the physical as breath each moment I caught myself, instead of worrying about what I have done in the past. So cool experience there, as I have stopped much of my backchatting, and cause of my frustration within my mind.
During the moment The co-worker told me he read my blog, I was quite nervous…and embarrassed, not being able to `hide` any longer. Not being able to hide the fact that I am part of desteni…which is quite cool as he actually looked into desteni, he said he watched anti-desteni and as soon as I heard the word desteni come from a person who does not participate in desteni, I was weirded out…lol. It was not `normal` to me, I have not heard anyone say desteni outside of desteni before with such non-chalance. So This shows that I am still living a `double life` where I do not incorporate both my personality and what I must do within the system and desteni as speaking about reality and truth, and what Really exists as this world as us as humans.
It was interesting to hear someone speak to me about desteni. After that happened I went into thoughts about how I must now watch what I say when blogging/vlogging, but I really do not. I have been allowing myself to write whatever and now only the information and knowledge that people in my direct reality are reading my blog in limiting me. So shows was knowledge and information does, it only limits ones ability to perceive reality.
I have been possessed by this point, Worrying what others at work are now thinking about me and there are a few things that I must realize. 1 I do not change through a different idea within another, meaning that just because another now `sees` `perceives` `thinks` about me differently, I do not change, I stay the same as the physical. If someone has a `new` idea about me it is just an idea, not real I stay the same as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an idea. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am physical here as all equal to all physical existence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to affect myself with thoughts.
2 Only I allow this affect to exist within me. I accept and allow myself to be affected by others thoughts through backchatting about the fact that others now `know` something `more` `different` about me. Backchatting about a belief that others may hold now towards me through knowledge information perception and judgment . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information by judging myself, by creating a perception of myself and by defining myself through knowledge and information.
I am allowing myself to worry how I will handle this event, as many points about me are now vulnerable that I did not allow myself to expose unconditionally in every moment of and as myself. So be it. It does not matter, I will take the conflict if any exist, any judgment if existent, and handle it with self-honesty. That is all that I can do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to people. I forgivemyself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally expose myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from certain people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separate personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created myself as personality. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my/the environment for creating myself as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as personality.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Letting go of Anger and Happiness.
I have been able to get over anger easier in the past few days. I would in the past sit on anger and blame all others for my own anger. The past few days I was feeling very aggitated because of my own actions and occurances within my own life.
One example is at work. I was cutting open a skid, and the skid had some product removed from it. I thought nothing of it but when I did open it everything started to fall. Some milk spilt....lol crying over spilt milk. And other product fell and broke and I had to clean it up. I thought that one of my co-workers opened and removed the product from the boxes. I immediately blamed others for what I went through. The reality was that this was my own fault and no others. I was backchatting after this happened, and `dealing` with my anger through that. I noticed myself participating in this and stopped it and forgave it. And was able to actually get rid of the anger with using breath and forgiveness. I was trying to not take responsibility for this by thinking of smoking. I stopped that and took responsibility for my own anger and let it go. This was all related to time and work. I Was stressed that this event took up time and that I had to use all of my time effectively and that this event took away time. I was stressed that this would affect my job, and that my manager would look down on me for not getting my work done and `trust` me less to do my job. I was able to let all of this go by taking responsibility for this.
The second time I got angry was the day after. Everything was going `wrong`. I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. The sidewalks were not plowed. All of this was leading up to being late to work and again I was stressed about the whole responsibility for work. I was having trouble letting this go. I then started to do a recording. And within doing that Iwas able to see everything that I was holding within and not allowing myself to see clearly. Again usually I would allow myself to exist in anger for hours and it would compound.
These are examples of how I have been able to now allow myself to let go of anger.
Recently I have been taking on my happiness. I am addicted to happiness. Each time I talk to a person or communicate I try and gain some type of happiness from that experience. I am always making light of a situation...=consciousness. Anyhow, what I have been doing within work is letting go of that energy immediately. I will talk and laugh with a co-worker and then immediately let it go. I have allowed that situation to replay within my mind thousand times over so that I could become happy and happy and ahppy and happy. I have been stopping this as happiness has allowed me to take myself away from what is real. Away from what is actually happening in this world, and my constant search for it is abusive unto myself. Fidelis said in a video that he uses the past to look for happiness within the present, this is exactly what I do, I do it with the immediate past and any other situation that has made me happy that I have locked into place within my mind. So I have been stopping this as it is a must.
When Ido this I have that energetical feeling within me and I breathe and `dispell` it immediately. I do not allow myself to sit on that feeling thus allowing myself to retain this happiness and `psychotic` smile upon my face. It literally is psychotic because I am smiling at nothing, only what is existent within my mind, it is not being here. Slowly I am applying myself in not participating in these happy conversations. I find it hard as it is an addiction. Slowly but surely I will get this done!
One example is at work. I was cutting open a skid, and the skid had some product removed from it. I thought nothing of it but when I did open it everything started to fall. Some milk spilt....lol crying over spilt milk. And other product fell and broke and I had to clean it up. I thought that one of my co-workers opened and removed the product from the boxes. I immediately blamed others for what I went through. The reality was that this was my own fault and no others. I was backchatting after this happened, and `dealing` with my anger through that. I noticed myself participating in this and stopped it and forgave it. And was able to actually get rid of the anger with using breath and forgiveness. I was trying to not take responsibility for this by thinking of smoking. I stopped that and took responsibility for my own anger and let it go. This was all related to time and work. I Was stressed that this event took up time and that I had to use all of my time effectively and that this event took away time. I was stressed that this would affect my job, and that my manager would look down on me for not getting my work done and `trust` me less to do my job. I was able to let all of this go by taking responsibility for this.
The second time I got angry was the day after. Everything was going `wrong`. I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. The sidewalks were not plowed. All of this was leading up to being late to work and again I was stressed about the whole responsibility for work. I was having trouble letting this go. I then started to do a recording. And within doing that Iwas able to see everything that I was holding within and not allowing myself to see clearly. Again usually I would allow myself to exist in anger for hours and it would compound.
These are examples of how I have been able to now allow myself to let go of anger.
Recently I have been taking on my happiness. I am addicted to happiness. Each time I talk to a person or communicate I try and gain some type of happiness from that experience. I am always making light of a situation...=consciousness. Anyhow, what I have been doing within work is letting go of that energy immediately. I will talk and laugh with a co-worker and then immediately let it go. I have allowed that situation to replay within my mind thousand times over so that I could become happy and happy and ahppy and happy. I have been stopping this as happiness has allowed me to take myself away from what is real. Away from what is actually happening in this world, and my constant search for it is abusive unto myself. Fidelis said in a video that he uses the past to look for happiness within the present, this is exactly what I do, I do it with the immediate past and any other situation that has made me happy that I have locked into place within my mind. So I have been stopping this as it is a must.
When Ido this I have that energetical feeling within me and I breathe and `dispell` it immediately. I do not allow myself to sit on that feeling thus allowing myself to retain this happiness and `psychotic` smile upon my face. It literally is psychotic because I am smiling at nothing, only what is existent within my mind, it is not being here. Slowly I am applying myself in not participating in these happy conversations. I find it hard as it is an addiction. Slowly but surely I will get this done!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Desiring an Agreement/Relationship
As I am reading the Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self I am having a physical reaction of wanting to not face the point that I am going through as I am wanting to close the document and not face the point, What is happening is that I am thinking about having a relationship/agreement while reading this and a reaction is coming up within me of sadness and not wanting to face this sadness, within desiring an agreement yet not moving on the point. I have been desiring a relationship/agreement for a while in which stability exists. In which there is trust and honesty in while there actually is an agreement within another and me. This point comes from `love` and `support` within the context of wanting support through/as love from another for validation of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure with myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that others can validate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for others to validate myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself. Side note of looking at time and trusting myself within validation of thoughts. The reaction that I am having is in regards to sadness, the thoughts that come up are that I do not see a possible point to have an agreement I desire an agreement and yet there is no way I can move myself towards one…Like Sunette said that patience is the key within establishing an agreement. Iforgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself and stand as myself within/as patience. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live myself first and foremost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire another to support me with `love`. The reality of the situation is that I desire a relationship and I do not see a point where it can happen, thus I become sad within not being able to get what I want…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can always get what I want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I should get what I want. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `whine and cry` for not getting what I want. As a kid I went through the temper tantrums when I did not get what I wanted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim to get what I want. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself stable and effective. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself. Within my idea of agreement/relationship, it is an idea of happiness and positivity and love..I am having a resistance to writing the love, like I am afraid of exposing the fact that I still look forlove. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to addict myself to positivity and happiness. I have not supported myself for long enough. I have only just started to stabilize myself for/as myself. And within having an agreement I am liable to again give myselfup to another ideas/beliefs/perceptions, as I have not valued myself.I am not going to allow myself to exist like this. I am going to be patient and move on the point when it arrives in my reality, and decide then and there whether or not it will be supportive for me. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to search for an agreement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having the word and idea `love` to exist within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having a relationship, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value having a relationship/agreement. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to others who are within an agreement/relationship….I justified it with the thought the they are two and I am only one. HA! I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be comfortable with myself living as myself. What is interesting is that in the beginning of writing this article I felt `Low` and that feeling is very uncomfortable for me ,and now I do not feel as low, yet still a bit uncomfortable but noticeably less than at the start of this article…I am allowing the blood flow of myself not move effectively thus allowing myself to feel cold and thus making myself feel uncomfortable and creating a physical action of trying to make myself feel comfortable by being warm but I think about this within the point of bundling up so that no one can see me and hiding, thus feeling comfortable being `hidden`. I have been reading this article more and more and there is not as much of a reaction but still feel uncomfortable.
When a female enters mylife, usually a new one, I hold onto that experience tightly, and do not want to let it go…use up all the energy I can from it. I will constantly project myself into a situation with that being in mind and think about a positive experience thus believing a relationship/agreement to be a positive experience, that would last eternally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by holding onto past memories and experiences of females….why do I desire a female greatly, to be in my life? It is obviously motherly related in the sense that I have been supported by her for my entire life until six months ago, and within desiring an agreement/relationship it is revolving around support, so I believe that A female will support me and desire to be supported as I do not need to take responsibility within being supported, or I believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to take responsibility for myself when in an agreement/relationship. I forgive myself that I have in the past not taken responsibility for myself within a relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female to support me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself as myself for myself. I forgive myself to define females as females. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define females as beings/life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by females, thus not allowing myself to approach a female. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist approaching females through fear of not being accepted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be and feel inferior to females as I was beat by my mother as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the experience of me being beat as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being physically/emotionally hurt by females, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame females for my physical pain and/or emotional pain.
When a female enters mylife, usually a new one, I hold onto that experience tightly, and do not want to let it go…use up all the energy I can from it. I will constantly project myself into a situation with that being in mind and think about a positive experience thus believing a relationship/agreement to be a positive experience, that would last eternally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by holding onto past memories and experiences of females….why do I desire a female greatly, to be in my life? It is obviously motherly related in the sense that I have been supported by her for my entire life until six months ago, and within desiring an agreement/relationship it is revolving around support, so I believe that A female will support me and desire to be supported as I do not need to take responsibility within being supported, or I believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not need to take responsibility for myself when in an agreement/relationship. I forgive myself that I have in the past not taken responsibility for myself within a relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a female to support me. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself as myself for myself. I forgive myself to define females as females. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to define females as beings/life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by females, thus not allowing myself to approach a female. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist approaching females through fear of not being accepted. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and be and feel inferior to females as I was beat by my mother as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the experience of me being beat as a child. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being physically/emotionally hurt by females, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame females for my physical pain and/or emotional pain.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Apathy
At the moment I am not life, I am a system. Right now I do not care, I do not care about writing, I do not care about participating in desteni, I have no value on it right now….I have no value placed on anything. I see this now and I gave myself the opportunity to value life. In which I do. I woke up from sleeping too long and do not want to move myself within reality right now…it is like a feeling of not caring whether I live or die…It is apathy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic when people are still starving. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on only my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all life as me as the physical. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about life because my `life` is mundane.
I am too focused on my direct reality, and how nothing has changed. I need to move because the simple fact that nothing has changed signals that there is still much work to be done. I am focused on my life and how I have not seen anything worth valuing in my reality….this is a complete fucking lie and deception. Writing has definitely assisted me in my day to day living, applying myself is definitely valuable. I feel as if writing is pointless, the words to describe this is whats the point?, I do not want to. I do not want to participate in anything. I have been in this position before and I have just sat and not moved not ate not lived not breathed, not written, I did not watch tv. All I wanted to do was sit and allow the world to pass by, to move without me. I gave up responsibility in that moment and I was giving up my own responsibilities within the moment I was apathetic. All life matters , and there is far too much abuse to sit on my ass and give up my responsibility. So I am pushing myself through this point now, with writing. I did not want t write myself I was heavily resisting writing because I did not want to apply myself,did not want to take responsibility, I allowed myself to not care. I was within that moment ready to give up…And my responsibilities aren’t even that much. I was not valuing myself as life. I was valuing happiness and within that I was then looking for it waiting for it to come to me when I would sit and do absolutely nothing…I was trying to create happiness through/as a thought in that moment, hoping/wishing for happiness to come to me. I was valuing a thought and not my breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value thoughts, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value my self as breath. This feeling is the largest deception. It allows one to completely give up and not care, it only allows one to focus on ther individual `reality` and not reality as a whole. It fucks with them entirely, only blinding them from what is right in from of them, It creates a loop within the mind of everything seeming pointless and nothing worth doing, within looking for value within what will make one happy, that is what happened. I was looking for something to put value into that would make me happy, I was trying to figure out how to get my next `fix` of happiness. And I would not participate in anything unless it assisted that happiness to exist. I would sit there for hours not doing anything…not eating not breathing..it would be like I was asleep….it is a form of escape for me, it was like I was asleep, unconscious of anything going on around me. This is unacceptable to allow within me so I am writing this down and getting it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowingmyself to give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when there is no happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue a thought of happiness, or a feeling of happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself form reality through searching for happiness. It is unacceptable as myself as life. Giving up on this life is committing suicide.
I am too focused on my direct reality, and how nothing has changed. I need to move because the simple fact that nothing has changed signals that there is still much work to be done. I am focused on my life and how I have not seen anything worth valuing in my reality….this is a complete fucking lie and deception. Writing has definitely assisted me in my day to day living, applying myself is definitely valuable. I feel as if writing is pointless, the words to describe this is whats the point?, I do not want to. I do not want to participate in anything. I have been in this position before and I have just sat and not moved not ate not lived not breathed, not written, I did not watch tv. All I wanted to do was sit and allow the world to pass by, to move without me. I gave up responsibility in that moment and I was giving up my own responsibilities within the moment I was apathetic. All life matters , and there is far too much abuse to sit on my ass and give up my responsibility. So I am pushing myself through this point now, with writing. I did not want t write myself I was heavily resisting writing because I did not want to apply myself,did not want to take responsibility, I allowed myself to not care. I was within that moment ready to give up…And my responsibilities aren’t even that much. I was not valuing myself as life. I was valuing happiness and within that I was then looking for it waiting for it to come to me when I would sit and do absolutely nothing…I was trying to create happiness through/as a thought in that moment, hoping/wishing for happiness to come to me. I was valuing a thought and not my breath. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value thoughts, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value my self as breath. This feeling is the largest deception. It allows one to completely give up and not care, it only allows one to focus on ther individual `reality` and not reality as a whole. It fucks with them entirely, only blinding them from what is right in from of them, It creates a loop within the mind of everything seeming pointless and nothing worth doing, within looking for value within what will make one happy, that is what happened. I was looking for something to put value into that would make me happy, I was trying to figure out how to get my next `fix` of happiness. And I would not participate in anything unless it assisted that happiness to exist. I would sit there for hours not doing anything…not eating not breathing..it would be like I was asleep….it is a form of escape for me, it was like I was asleep, unconscious of anything going on around me. This is unacceptable to allow within me so I am writing this down and getting it out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowingmyself to give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up when there is no happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue a thought of happiness, or a feeling of happiness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself form reality through searching for happiness. It is unacceptable as myself as life. Giving up on this life is committing suicide.
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