Depression is worthless

Apr 11th 2011


Today I did no backchat as much. I noticed that I was stopping my fears much more. I was not worried about anything. During work I stopped a lot of my backchatting, and was singing more, singing random songs that came into my head. I cut my finger the other day, and this was limiting me within my work, I started to get fearful of not getting everything done in time for the store to open. I let this go and told myself I can only do what I can do in breath and within that I stopped fearing not getting everything done, stopped fearing not working efficiently. So at work I was fine. I got home made food sat down and slept. I slept to sleep but I stayed asleep past the alarm that I had set to get up and do things like buy groceries and go to the library to use the internet. Within sleeping past this time I started to become very depressed for not using my time effectively. I started to watch much more television to distract myself from facing myself. I became depressed because I allowed myself to sleep and knew the consequences of sleeping, and I allowed that knowledge of the consequences to hinder me. I accepted that consequence, which was depression and a lack of a want to write and resisting writing because of the depression. I realize this now that I could not have allowed that to hinder me, that I could have simply got up when I got up and did what I had to do, but I allowed depression to exist and within that I did not want to do anything so I didn’t.

Allowing depression in that moment to exist hindered me completely. I did not have to accept it as a consequence of sleeping. Again this was because I did not follow through on my plan to get things done, my plan of `effectiveness`. So I allowed depression to exist because I was not effective in my life, but I did not need to become depressed, I only had to get up and be effective meaning writing myself out and doing some of my ITD work, and then moving from there. I was resisting writing anything down and started to watch tv. I allowed that to exist for about an hour, then I did the shopping, and when I came back I made some food, and then again watched some tv, still allowing the depression to guide me into doing nothing that will support myself or this world.

It was quite unnessesary to become depressed in that moment, I allowed it because I did not do exactly what I wanted to do, and within this I allowed myself to further delay myself. I could have simply took that moment and fucking directed myself simply rather than allowing myself to fall into depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression for not being effective or using my time effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose depression over directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by depression instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to in the moment of waking up after wasting time to waste more time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to in the moment of waking up taking responsibility for myself here and directing myself effectively to support myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the moment of waking up go into depression instead of directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in depression looking for something to take me out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from depression through looking for the solution outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the solution to depression as I am the creator of my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch tv when feeling depressed to escape facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep to not face my depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my creation of depression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand within depression taking a directive stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into more depression when feeling depressed instead of standing in that moment becoming self-directive.

In the moment I feel depression I do not accept myself to watch tv or sulk around I take directive movement and I direct my movement to correct my depression

I stop I breathe in the moment of depression I get up I stand and direct myself.

In the moment of depression I will write as it seems to work as that is the reason I became depressed because I was not doing what I knew I should do and giving into resistances.

I do not allow myself to continue in depression when I feel depressed I stand up and I direct myself to do what I need to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into resistances of writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push past the resistances.

I push past these resistances from here further.