Strict on Myself - Not the Solution

Right now My starting point for the day is to be effective. Making sure that I stick to my principles and doing everything `right`. Within this I am being very strict on myself. I am not Allowing myself to be. I am holding myself tightly, watching for any `Slip up` of abuse. negativity is not the only abuse, it is also positivity. So I am holding myself tightly only watching for perceived negativity, allowing the positivity, as well not allowing myself to live here. Within this I have been placing myself in my mind holding myself there and watching - being on guard - for any negative thoughts - Thus allowing thoughts, because if I have to watch for thoughts I am thus allowing thoughts, and if there is a reasons for me to be on guard, I am creating that reason.
I let this Go now.

A Smile, Sm(LIE)

I Smile When I meet strangers, I smile to place a perception of myself as positive, and accepting of the other. I am dishonest to myself in this moment. I am not happt to meet the other person, I want to seem like I am. so I lie to myself with a smile. I lie to myself by smiling making myself believe that I am positive within that moment. I make myself believe that I am positive, so I put on a lie of myself as a smile.

When I meet someone I usually start with a smile and a hello, greeting them and putting off an expression of acceptance of them, where in I am mostly judging or comparing myself to them. I smile at strangers so that I see myself as positive and accepting of them which is not the reality of me. The reality is that I am subjective of who I allow within my reality, and that I will not simply accept anyone, so I lie to myself with a smile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself by smiling at people, making myself believe that I am a positive being.

Many people do this. I notice at work whenever co-workers meet we will smile and say hello, each and every time, this happens thousands of times. Happiness and a smile are usually lies to ourselves. Rarely have I ever been genuinely happy. I mostly use a smile and happiness within energetics to place myself within the positive polarity to make myself happy and forget that this world is dying and I am responsible for it. I smile to show acceptance, yet it is all a lie, it is a want of acceptance from myself to myself. That I desire to accept myself through another's opinion of myself through a smile back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require anothers opinion of myself to stand on.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand for myself in each moment.
I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as myself free from opinion and judgment of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply stand for/by myself.

As well this happens within a friendship. Most friendships are started this way which is through a smile and a positive greeting etc. Therefore all friendships are deceptive in nature. Therefore all friendships are dishonest. When in a friendship I will follow along with all others. I will place myself as one as a group, not one within a group. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself within a group.

My friendships have always started with a polarity as a smile. I then allow myself to believe that I will be happy being around this person...which is definately not true in anyway, and is only deceptive unto myself. We all search and give off that shit. Within and as a lie as a smile.

Forgetting through participating in thoughts

At work today I started with breath. Meaning that I was able to stop thoughts and breathe with myself here and place myself within the physical reality and focus on cleaning. I was breathing and applying Self-forgiveness during the first part of my work, I was allowing myself to look at and face the majority of thoughts that were coming up and forgiving them and then applying myself back within breath. After time it slowly faded. At the end of my work I forgot everything, I forgot to breathe, I forgot who I was within each moment. This has been a pattern for a few days now. I used to just completely forget everything and go right into thoughts, so I am not facing myself equally in each moment.


I was remembering some points that I was going to write about at the beginning of my shift, by the end I had forgotten everything. This happened just because I participated in thoughts. I slowly kept on thinking about past events or future, I continued to project myself out from the physical existence. I thought about what I could do today and how I was going to control myself within the point I am taking on which is taking care of myself thorugh eating better and doing insulin. I was thinking about how to do this, only building up a positive energy base to then act up-on, and make myself feel better by believing that I am taking this on. So I got lost in positivity. Cool, as I now see it and I can cross-reference it aswell, as I know where I created that belief within myself of being positive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that I am a positive being and happy, and loving, and blissful, when really I am existing in ignorance. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am only making myself believe that I am positive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am not positive.

Excitement from Writing

Excitement from believing myself to be effective, usually comes after or during writing out a point within me. And posting and sharing and believing myself to be effective within that writing. Believing that I have supported myself thus being happy within believing myself to support thus allowing an energy to exist within me of excitement and I want more of this, I forgive myself for accepting a feeling of excitement for writing myself out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write myself out for myself. I forgive myself that I have not written myself out to write myself out.


This experience comes from writing myself out, not literally as it is internal, but it comes from the fact that I am writing myself out. When writing myself out I write myself out to get out a point…and when I am done writing myself out I become excited that I have written that point out, I become excited by the idea that I have written that point out, and within that I believe that I am effective within that moment. I become excited at the idea that I have just written myself and have found points, within this I do not look at the points I become engulfed by the excitement and start to think more and more and more and more until I `crash`, crash from all of the energy I have created within that. I am writing this out now to get rid of this feeling as it does not support me in the physical, I am going to live these words and not hope that through writing that it is gone. Live them by removing the excitement when writing and then I will write for self, not because of a feeling.

When I become excited all of my movements are rapid and Short, I try and get it done as fast as I can and type or write as fast as I can, I am possessed by energy in this moment. My thoughts are very rapid as well I can barely notice them…They come and go quickly and I allow them to, I only become aware of them when I feel a rush of energy, come over me. And it feels far too much and I say stop…I stop for a bit then the thoughts start right back up again, and I run through it all over again. I become quite exhausted when this happens as I am using up a lot of my energy in a short period of time. My thoughts consist of positivity, believing that I can be helpful in certain situations. What happens is that I do not stop when I write. My thoughts are continuously moving generating energy and if I write a long enough article I generate a lot of energy. When I am done the article I believe myself to have been effective within writing that article, meaning that I believe that I have explained it well, that it was supportive, that the words were right, that I used the right words to describe and define myself properly, and that I took on a lot of points that I did not see before. Within this I become excited in believing that I have done something `good` for myself and all of this energy that built up from those beliefs and thoughts come out after I am done writing…so for instance when I pin-point a thought that is related to something I will think “good, this is what I need, This is good, These words are exactly how I feel…good,good,good,good” So all of that builds up creating this positive excitement towards my life and within that I believe that I am able to conquer anything, believe that I am invincible, and I continuously think in ego with self-righteousness, and rarely place myself here within breath. When I do place myself here within breath I stop and stop that energy…it can quickly build up again though, with only one thought. This comes from the savior syndrome, that I am happy, that I am supporting myself, but I am truly not because I become happy within that…thus not allowing myself to place myself in the physical….lol its happening. Ok so, I enjoy knowing that I can help someone with their process, help them realize something, I enjoy this through ego of wanting to be a savior, but I have covered this before and will again…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only self can help self. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boast about being able to help someone….this is a point of power as well. Odd and fascinating. I desire to help people to have power…it is like religion…it is like what a priest must feel like. But again I cannot help anyone, I can only help myself and SHARE! I can only share myself and if someone comes to a realization through my words then THEY REALIZED I did not MAKE them, that is something that I have to learn…that I truly cannot help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can help someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take `credit` for someone helping themselves.

So within this writing I have been taking it slow and looking over each thought I am about to write out so that I can explain it properly, and not vomit words as thoughts arise.

Reactions to believing myself to be effective or Ineffective

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that I am being effective. When I posted on the forum to Stave trying to assist him I was very insecure with the words that I was using, I was thinking about whether or not my words are effective or not within/as assisting Stave,. I was worried that I would fuck with him or that I would be seen as other destonians as deceiving, I have had this reaction a lot. It comes from not trusting myself, I am not sure with my effectiveness of/as myself to assist and support another, so when I try and support someone I am very insecure and fearful that my words will be fucked up. So then when I believe my words to be effective and I trust my words I become happy, all of this shit must stop and I am stopping it. Creating happiness or sadness around my words stops me from seeing and living as my words. Like when I would feel the physical and be happy I make it something that it isn’t. This point is still supporting my ego of wanting to be good/special/significant/benevolent. I support my own ego with this, it is not the point that supports it it is me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my ego in believing myself to be effective, thus supporting the idea that I am helpful/nice/positive/benevolent/good. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be benevolent/nice/good/happy/positive. I forgive myself that I have addicted myself to positive energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to define myself as benevolent/good/positive for the idea that if I define it I become it and then I can forever be benevolent. What happens when I post something is I become happy in believing that I have supported the person with my words thus allowing myself to believe that I am supportive and have achieved my `goal`. Or I become worried that my words have been insufficient in supporting the other person, that I have not achieved my goal of helping another. So I have a want to help another…I am not going to try and help another until I know that I am stable in my movement, in my words, in my actions that I know that each and every movement I can do what is best for all within that moment. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do what is best for all in every moment. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what is best for all in every moment. So I will not try to support another as it I am supporting my ego…If I know that I can through lived experience I will, If I am trying to for ego I will stop and remove myself from that situation. I still have the savior syndrome within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a belief that if I can save people than I will be respected. I no longer accept this within me. I am breath, I am not a savior, I cannot save anyone they must do that for themselves. I can only support myself right now, I can only exist for myself.


AS well when I posted on Ingrid’s blog I got happy and excited and kept on replaying the words I wrote in my head supporting this belief of helping and supporting her with my words, believing that I can actually support another, and I am not longer `useless`. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am useless if I cannot support another being. Within this I used an experience that I could relate and was happy and glad and excited that I could do so. Within this I become happy within the belief that I have assisted someone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I help people . I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that only the person can help themselves through insight. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helping people with my words.I half assed this writing and do not think it is very effective in writing myself out. I will post this anyways,

Who I am around other people

When I interact with another person, it is always a happy go lucky persona. I always want to smile and make others smile, it is an addiction to happiness. When Watching one of Bernard’s videos a while back he was talking about diabetics and their pursuit for sweetness/happiness and this obviously struck a chord within me. This is who I am around other people. I am a constant search for happiness and creating happiness around other people. It is an addiction to people and a `need` to be accepted. It is an addiction to being accepted so that I can create a relationship and then share myself with that person and then say this is who I am.

When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.

When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.

I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me