Make! Believe

Mar 19th 2011 1:20pm


After work I notice that I am quite exhausted. I struggle to participate here. I lose myself within my mind and this is the consequence of allowing myself to move into psychosis which again will take time and effort to correct. So within psychosis I would take words and sounds and make a definition that I wanted to hear or that was already programmed within me. I would take words within music and direct them towards me and use my own words and definitions to create a belief of what it meant to me regarding my life. I went heavy into this creating beliefs that I am god, antichrist, jesus, the devil, much polarized beliefs and I played with myself heavily within that sending myself through massive highs and lows. Anyhow the point is that I made myself hear what I wanted to here, and this is what I do at work. I place myself in a desired position instead of here, I am placing myself in la la land, not focusing on myself here, and thus it takes a lot of thought and energy to create such beliefs and ideas, so after work I become quite exhausted. After I get off work and sit down I do not know where the fuck I am. I sit down and say…shit I am here! I do not realize where I am when working, I really take myself away from here, this is a massive issue for my health. I have allowed myself to move into this through psychosis and this is the consequence of it…not being able to place myself here, I can rarely hear tv analysts, and only when my mind is `calm` can I actually participate in reading, when it is not I again place myself in a projection and/or idea. So now that I can see this clearly I am going to investigate it. And create a plan to stop this because this is seriously limiting me from being here, from realizing myself HERE. I see reading as a starting point for pushing myself through this. I am going to start to read much more, as I watch most vlogs and do not read much blogs, so I am going to start to read more blogs from other desteni members, read the news, read more material…and understand it. I am going to stop listening to music when I can, stop using music as a distraction point I will say, as well I am going to stop tv for 21 days to get myself out of IMAGEination.

Sleeping and Escape

Recently I have been sleeping more for the want to escape myself in this reality and taking responsibility for myself in this reality. It has gotten worse and worse, and I am taking on this point because it has reached a point where it is getting close to tipping and fucking up my life. I have been sleeping to escape the fact that I am here. I have been staying asleep because I do not want to face myself in this reality. All of these points are coming back…I was sleeping 4-6 hours no problem before, and was not neglecting it, only recently have I started to sleep more again, and the only reason I can see is to learn acting for myself and not for others. Recently when sleeping 4-6 hours it was to prove that I could and not that I am no longer doing this myself is coming into the equation, that now I actually have to sleep 4-6 hours for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and prove myself to others as being who I want myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act from a mind possession, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do things for myself. And this is what is happening now. There are a lot of things to do in a day now for me with taking on this writing project and work, and other little things that come up and sleeping the way I am sleeping now is making it incredibly hard for me to manage my time effectively. If I were to sleep only 4-6 hours it would start to become much easier for me. When I become tired I try to find ways to stop being tired by eating or drinking coffee but none of that works, it is from within and I must change within first then the without changes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that changing the outside will change myself inside, and yes it will to a certain point but this comes from within so it must be solved from within. When I am sleepy I do not want to move through what I am trying to do, so for example doing this right now if I were to become sleepy I would not want to move myself through the time that it takes to write myself out here. I would then think about how to escape this and I have used sleep to escape time before so I then become sleepy to help myself escape this time. It doesn’t work though because I have to move myself through this to get to being done I cannot sleep and somehow this magically becomes done, that is delusional and stupid, I have come to realize that all desires are completely revolving around stupidity and delusions. Sleeping comes from a want to escape, as well as many other mind manifestations. So when I was sleeping 4-6 hours I did not sleep to escape I slept to sleep, and I have started to compound sleeping to escape again and to not face myself and this has been compounding and now it is hard to get up in the morning for self, If I have to work then it is easy. Even things that I HAVE to do like, a few weeks ago I had to pay rent, and I was planning to get up early so that I could get what I needed to do done and then move myself to the bank and get my rent, even within this I became lazy and procrastinated, I wanted to stay in bed and not face this reality, I wanted to hold onto being unconscious, I wanted to hold onto not being aware. I wanted to hold onto being unconscious because then I do not need to accept or take anything into consideration….the free will shit still exists within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief and application of free will. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are no consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for me. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality by participating in my mind.


The escape point is relevant even when awake. When commuting or moving myself through time/space…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape time and space by participating in thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs….I do not want to face the fact that it is going to take time and space to get to point B. Within this I will start to think about ideas and beliefs, and start to participate in projections within/as ego to ignore the fact that I am here. This is who I have become ignorant of who I really am, and wanting to be something else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore who I amreally am as life here equal to all live living here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a belief of who I want to be and try to maintain that belief.

Escaping comes from wanting to not face time. Not wanting to face myself within time and space, comes from not wanting to take responsibility for myself here in this reality. Not wanting to take responsibility for this reality as my reality.

Escaping Is what I have to used to solve my wants of not wanting to take responsibility and not wanting to face time and space construct. This is what I have become and I am changing this. Breathing absolutely puts me here in every moment.

Desire, A general overview

I am continuing with my one a day point, and right now it is desires, I am doing a general overview of desire in the whole, The next few days I am going to take on each point individually, as there are a few sub-points within the point desiring.

As I have started to write this out I find that I desire an experience that I have had previously to using a substance/action. For instance sex, within sex I have an energetic experience of complete relief, so it is not sex that I am desiring/addicted to, it is the experience of it. When I think about a desire I think about the specific experience I had in relation the the desire. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to addict myself to a specific experience realted to a action/substance. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in desiring a specific expereince that I had in the past.

The expreiences that I desire are all related to an energetic feeling. Looking at all the points it is a feeling of relief, smoking, escaping, sex, sugar, it is all a relief from something. I desire the feeling of relief. Within relief I stop worrying about everything, I stop stressing about everything. That is interesting that a common point within this is relief of myself, and my participation in the mind.

Within desires I think about and action or substance that I have programmed within myself or have been pre-programmed and I then think about the experience realted to that action/substance and desire to have it in the current moment. Within this I project myself into the expereince and start to crave having it now.

At times I have stopped this, but I continue to participate in the thought and resist the fact that I am participating in it. I resist the fact by saying "no" and disregarding it out of fear of being controlled, I then allow it to come again and resist again and this sends me into desiring whatever I am wanting, for example resisting cigarettes and the feeling it gives me only perpetuates the desire for having a cigarette as the experience of having a cigarette, would alleviate to experience I am having which is fighting with myself through/as resisting myself. So within that it only makes the situation worse for myself, and then I eventually give in through the accumulation effect of my participation.

Within desires I think about the `enjoyment` that I experienced within a memory and then I want to enjoy that experience more and more and more and more = the way this system is = more. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want more of an experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in excessivenss. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in necessity, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas about experiences.

Within desires, I participate in an idea about what I want, and Idea of a desire. For an example, desiring a stable relationship I participate in the idea I have about one, and then desire that Idea, try and manifest that idea.

So within desires I crave a expereince of an idea of an experience that I have separated myself from as me, and then try and attain that experience through re-creating the same situation and I had within the past when I had that specific experience, I also participate in ideas about an experience relating to a specific action/enviroment/substance, All desires are related to a specific experience I had within a past experience, and a desire to attain that expereince agian in the moment,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to recreate a specific expereince that I had in a past memory/experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to re-create that experience by participating in desires, I forgive myself thatI have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in each moment new. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project past experiences into the current moment.

Inception

I watched the movie Inception and I found it to be completely interesting. I enjoyed it. So the movie is based on this group of people that attach themselves into peoples dreams so that they can access their subconscious to gain secrets...Information. What happens is that a energy company is at war with another company and want to gain absolute power and not let the other have absolute power, so they hire this group of people to place an idea into the rival energy companies heir's head that he wants to destroy the company. This is what they call inception, placing an idea into ones head.

What is interesting about this movie is that they explore the mind entirely, the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, and a level they call limbo. When placed inside a dream they can access the beings subconscious in the entire world around them, through talking to the people because they are all projections.

They go around finding people in real life to act as their `professions` within a dream state, so for example they try and find an architect to place themself within the dream to create the dream world. They find a fraud, someone who replicates casino chips to make money, to recreate and act as someone who the dreamer knows. The fraud would look like and talk like the person that the dreamer knows, so that they could manipulate the dreamer into more information. This entire movie revolves around deception. They all try and deceive the dreamer to gain information.

After this movie I had more of an understanding of the mind which was interesting! I was watching Maya's video response to voice tonality and I could see and understand the entire consequence and reality of a reaction, on how it is not real and how it is a complete possession. A Reaction is when one goes into the mind and becomes completely controlled by it through not wanting to face or realize a point through fear of losing itself. And this mind takes us over completely, so I saw what it means to be possessed by the mind and how we allow it and how fucked up it truly is. Like A reaction to words said to you, like you are fat, if you go into a reaction it is the fear of being fat and the belief that you are fat coming into play. This is absolute possession and control. We are allowing this to take over our LIVES. So I looked at a definition I held of a past girlfriend because I noticed that I would still think about her every so often. So I looked at that picture of her in everything that it was, I forgave...Truly forgave, myself on believing that to be her, and then realized that if I saw her in the physical that the picture presentation I had of her would be irrelevant to what she actually is within the physical, So I was able to let that go unconditionally and absolutely.

Forgiveness for me is much more effective if I forgive within and as myself without words. I have to look at myself in what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within and as my mind, look at it and then forgive. When looking at it within the mind I can see the entirety of the belief or perception or idea of something and unconditionally let it go with forgiveness. I must forgive myself first when looking at it and then I can speak it and mean it knowing that I do forgive myself rather than speaking empty words that I cannot stand behind because I have not lived them within the moment or know what they really mean.

So this is what helped completely. In the movie the main character is holding onto a belief of who his wife is, and the belief is surrounded by guilt and from that guilt comes regret and not being able to let it go, which is completely relevant to what desteni has brought forth within information. So he was holding onto a belief of his wife even though she died. She would still be within his mind fucking with the dream state of anothers dream, because all of their subconscious would come through and she was a large part of the main character that he could not let go. I looked at this point of that, even though it is jsut a belief it has immense consequences within the person because it becomes them. So I looked at any belief I had and looked at it entirely and forgave myself for believing it and within that moment I could see the reality of that which I believed to be. So If I were to believe a Person to be special or happy or sad or any `definition` I forgave it and could immediate see what they were in reality, no within any set definition. And I saw that they were me....deceptive lieing, polarity based, judgmental, mental (lol), etc.

I enjoyed this movie quite a lot because I was actually able to take away a better understanding of beliefs, I suggest you watch it and if you do not understand the movie start to research psychology, only a little through, then watch it again and see if you can understand it again. And Check Self-forgiveness as well because what I found interesting as well is that it was suggested within the movie to the main character to release his guilt.