2012 Courage facing our thoughts

Does Process take Bravery? Courage? + How does one develop said courage

In the process of self awareness we must face ourselves unconditionally. We must face the ugliness that is ourselves in/as the reflection of the world who we are living as. Meaning that the world is a reflection of ourselves and we must face who we are as the world equal and one. Self-honesty is a must and that is where courage comes in, because if you look at what and how humans are living as themselves they are quite fucked up, and that is what we in fact have to face = how fucked up we are living as.

Look at your thoughts and see how many thoughts that you have had over your lifetime that you have attempted to stuff away into your physical and suppress within your sub and unconscious minds in order to not face the fact that you have accepted and allowed those thoughts to take space within as yourself and your reality. That is where courage comes in, looking at ourselves in self honesty to the point of facing the ugliness that is ourselves. Anything less than that will be a fuck up that we will have to move through only to get back to the point of self-honesty again. It takes dedication to be consistently willing to look at ourselves in the mirror and to see who we are in fact are. I mean fuck, I have resisted many thoughts because of the ugliness of the thoughts and in that I have become weak in my application because I have not had the courage to face myself in/as the thoughts that I have accepted and allowed as me as mind.

So yes facing ourselves is going to take courage from self and self will because no one can do this for us except for us and in that we must take responsibility for ourselves and in that we must be willing/courageous to look at who we are in/as the ugliness that we have become and developed ourselves as. The ugliness is not our enemy it is who we have become and in self honesty can we face that which we have become and transcend ourselves to become human in fact. For all that struggle with this point I suggest listening to this interview (http://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-who-is-the-mind-part-15) done by Anu which will assist tremendously with this point.

Depression and facing the points

Apr. 2nd 2011 4:03pm


Again another night of sleeping 13 hours because I do not want to face my depression from the fact that I am and have been participating in desteni to get something that I wanted. I do not want to continue on with this so I am not. I am letting go of the depression and starting over new, being a part of the group acting for and as the group. I am not going to allow my wants of self-interest to be a barrier to myself standing for life. The point here is such bullshit, I was complaining and whining about not getting what I want and within that I was ready to give up on life. I mean damn that is crazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on doing what is best for life, for self-interests.

I felt overwhelmed with what I had to face and within this I became depressed because all of these points I was suppressing, and placing beliefs of myself progressing in the place of reality of the point that I was suppressing. This takes point wil have to be taken slowly. I am trying to move past it too fast. Ok breathe, take it slowly, remove yourself, and stop. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write with the curiostity and projection of people reading this. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write for myself.

I am aggravated and agitated right now. I do not feel comfortable, in the sense of being out of alignment from my environment. Having to re-do many actions and having to focus heavily on myself here so I do not make these mistakes and have to re-take them. I am looking at this process as massive as something that I cannot do…I cannot do It within one moment. I have to take chips out of the whole until it widdles down.

Breathing now, stopping my aggrivation, placing myself here, focusing.

Still in a Pattern

I started to read my writings from a few months ago and noticed that I am still writing about the same points as I was then. I am still writing on cigarettes, responsibility, using standing or the idea of standing to boost my ego, still wanting to be good, feeling alone, not standing alone. On that point I realized that it is not a fear of being alone it is a fear of standing. I feared standing alone. I feared standing because within standing I stand alone, it is a part of standing for me so I feared standing with the fear of being alone. So when I have written or write that I fear being alone, I fear simply standing alone. Each time I felt alone I have been around people and have wanted to stay around them and as soon as they left my company that feeling came over me. I feared standing in that moment for myself. I was relying on other people to be around me to stand with me and I would use them as support for myself standing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others as support for standing.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand for myself as myself by myself.
I realize that in order to truly stand I have to stand for myself in each moment.

I am still within a loop with most of these points.

Re-reading my posts and writings is something that is not developed within/as me. Each time I would post something I would simply press a button and not re-read it or check it over for mistakes, dishonesites, deception, or lies. And within this I am not correcting. I have been pushing forward within a circular path, so I always ended up at the same point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not correct myself, pushing through the resistance
I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to not re-read my writings checking myself over for dis-honesties, deception, and misleadings, or mistakes, again pushing through the resistances
I realize that my re-reading and watching vlogs is a relation to me correcting myself.
It is a symbolization of my application of correcting myself.
I literally do not read myself over. I resist looking at the words. I resist watching the entire video, checking myself over for mistakes, and things that I missed while I was speaking.
My self correction is not developed well. How do I correct my self-correction? I correct simply.

Facing the Entirity of Myself

A Question was asked of me if I had participated in one of the Private forum Chats. I had said no as there was a resistance to Facing Bernard...myself. She said that she had the same resistance but it was only her seeing the entirity of herself in the form of Bernard. So the question is if I can see myself and the entirity of myself why do I not forgive it and move past it. Why do I fear facing myself?...there is a resistance to posting this so moving past it....How come I am allowing myself to exist dishonestly? How am I allowing myself to exist dishonestly?

Pattern of Sleeping

Feb 21st 12:20pm 2011


I woke up this morning from 5 hours of sleep I got up pissed and layed down by the fire with my cat and slept some more. I knew that once I layed down that I was quite likely to sleep again which I did not want to do yet I took no action towards it. I ended up sleeping for roughly an hour by the fire and when I woke up I decided that since I slept there I was going to sleep more…since I fell there I will fall more. I find it hard to stand up from falling in this context, I say I will but the action are not there. The thoughts are there yet no actions. This needs to be solved. I acted upon the though `If I have fallen what could hurt if I fell further?` So I did. I allowed myself to sleep 12 hours. I have been allowing this to happen for a few days now. There is a point in this as well where I know that I can move and stay up…after I woke up from sleeping by the fire, I layed down on the couch and remembered that I was going t stretch in the mornings to assist me to wake up. I did not act on that thought, so really I want to sleep. The reality of the situation is I get up feel tired and `decide` to sleep purposefully. I then feel guilty about this for letting myself down and not waking myself up when I know I can. I deliberately ignore or participate in the thoughts that will lead me to more sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself thinking that I am going to stop sleeping 12 hours.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be honest with myself in realizing that I purposefully act to sleep 12 hours to escape reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sleep to escape reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself within standing up within sleeping 4-6 hours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself believing that I am going to stand up

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself within reality when this point occurs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within my mind thinking about the problem and solution while not taking responsibility within my actions, allowing myself to fall into patterns of myself.

Self-corrective application here is to take responsibility for myself within these moments and applying myself as responsibility for getting myself up and waking myself up and not allowing myself to further place myself within the mind acting on the feeling of being tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully sleep allowing myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility and act on the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility by ignoring the solution as myself and hoping that it will all magically happen

Depression, judgment

I woke up this morning depressed. I got up and started to hate myself for allowing myself to become reliant on another being for support for happiness. I got up and checked out the sites and started to judge myself for allowing myself to feel depressed for not getting the happiness I desired/wanted. And I started to hate myself for this. The entire time I felt completely hopeless in as process. Like I have gotten nowhere. Like all my effort has led to nothing. That I am still everything that I was, I have only been ignoring it and blocking it within me. I am trying to find a quick-fix solution to all of these `problems` through my mind. I watched Bernards video response and the last one, I feared extensively, as well as this one. The same point opened up which was me judging myself and feeling worthless because I believe that I cannot change, believe that I haven’t changed. I have an urge to let go and give up entirely and just fuck off with myself. As though I am worthless. That I have nothing to give this world…I don’t I only have to give to myself. And the best present is presence. Simply. All of this worthlessness comes from projecting myself, an idea of myself, a belief of myself which is not real. Simply I have been trying to be something that I am not.


I ended up sleeping to not face this issue. It was unappealing. I slept through it, so now I will most likely time-loop and face this depression compounded at some point. So I did not take responsibility for this point by apply SF and Self-correction. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for happiness outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t blame others for my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless over myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am powerless over myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power to thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be with myself breath after breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe in each moment calming myself down to look at the frustration clearly. Allowing myself to move through it and forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself, to take care of myself physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on another being to support my physically and mentally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing that point within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to myself, thus relying on another being to support me to forgive myself and to let go of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to do process for myself and only for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself as life on my own means.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to `solve` myself through my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply place myself in the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the fact that I am constantly here.

I forive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within as believing that I am the thoughts I think, the emotions I feel, The feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the thoughts I think, The emotion I feel, the Feelings I create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to sound `profound`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself entirely.

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to accept my enslavement as `just the way it is`.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own enslavement.

Sleeping and Escape

Recently I have been sleeping more for the want to escape myself in this reality and taking responsibility for myself in this reality. It has gotten worse and worse, and I am taking on this point because it has reached a point where it is getting close to tipping and fucking up my life. I have been sleeping to escape the fact that I am here. I have been staying asleep because I do not want to face myself in this reality. All of these points are coming back…I was sleeping 4-6 hours no problem before, and was not neglecting it, only recently have I started to sleep more again, and the only reason I can see is to learn acting for myself and not for others. Recently when sleeping 4-6 hours it was to prove that I could and not that I am no longer doing this myself is coming into the equation, that now I actually have to sleep 4-6 hours for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and prove myself to others as being who I want myself to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act from a mind possession, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do things for myself. And this is what is happening now. There are a lot of things to do in a day now for me with taking on this writing project and work, and other little things that come up and sleeping the way I am sleeping now is making it incredibly hard for me to manage my time effectively. If I were to sleep only 4-6 hours it would start to become much easier for me. When I become tired I try to find ways to stop being tired by eating or drinking coffee but none of that works, it is from within and I must change within first then the without changes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that changing the outside will change myself inside, and yes it will to a certain point but this comes from within so it must be solved from within. When I am sleepy I do not want to move through what I am trying to do, so for example doing this right now if I were to become sleepy I would not want to move myself through the time that it takes to write myself out here. I would then think about how to escape this and I have used sleep to escape time before so I then become sleepy to help myself escape this time. It doesn’t work though because I have to move myself through this to get to being done I cannot sleep and somehow this magically becomes done, that is delusional and stupid, I have come to realize that all desires are completely revolving around stupidity and delusions. Sleeping comes from a want to escape, as well as many other mind manifestations. So when I was sleeping 4-6 hours I did not sleep to escape I slept to sleep, and I have started to compound sleeping to escape again and to not face myself and this has been compounding and now it is hard to get up in the morning for self, If I have to work then it is easy. Even things that I HAVE to do like, a few weeks ago I had to pay rent, and I was planning to get up early so that I could get what I needed to do done and then move myself to the bank and get my rent, even within this I became lazy and procrastinated, I wanted to stay in bed and not face this reality, I wanted to hold onto being unconscious, I wanted to hold onto not being aware. I wanted to hold onto being unconscious because then I do not need to accept or take anything into consideration….the free will shit still exists within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief and application of free will. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my actions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are no consequences of my actions. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for me. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality by participating in my mind.


The escape point is relevant even when awake. When commuting or moving myself through time/space…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape time and space by participating in thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs….I do not want to face the fact that it is going to take time and space to get to point B. Within this I will start to think about ideas and beliefs, and start to participate in projections within/as ego to ignore the fact that I am here. This is who I have become ignorant of who I really am, and wanting to be something else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore who I amreally am as life here equal to all live living here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a belief of who I want to be and try to maintain that belief.

Escaping comes from wanting to not face time. Not wanting to face myself within time and space, comes from not wanting to take responsibility for myself here in this reality. Not wanting to take responsibility for this reality as my reality.

Escaping Is what I have to used to solve my wants of not wanting to take responsibility and not wanting to face time and space construct. This is what I have become and I am changing this. Breathing absolutely puts me here in every moment.

Exposing Deception

The deception that I am directing in this moment to no longer fear is an ego point. Everytime someone has posted comments on my youtube channel or my blod or facebook I become smiley and happy with the thought that someone has noticed me for being what I wanted to be = an activist. I am within this deception of who I am as life.

I enjoy believing myself to be an activist. Which I am not. I am life here. Within this I become confident in my actions and happy believing myself to be effective through validation of what I believe myself to be via others comments. Within this I have been participating in desteni form an alterior motive starting point other then self honesty. It has been a starting point of trying to prove that I am something and doing something. This shows up in a lot of my actions...my anger towards people's comments of this is the way it is and there is no point in trying to change it. I get angry in this because as I have defined myself as an activist, I try and stand up and prove myself as being an activist for this world within and as my anger.

I am exposing this point because I can see this biting me in the ass. I am exposing this because this belief has stopped me from participating in my reality freely...free from ego. This belief, would have stopped me from participating in desteni freely...I would only choose to expose certain things, from seeing what others have typed....meaning that I would only move within a point if someone has moved already within that point. So that I have a belief basis in how to use the words and to use my actions. This showed up to me in my first vlog post. I said that I had a lot of reactions because I saw others saying this same point...looking at it I made myself believe that I had a lot of reactions when there really was none. I said this because others have gone before me saying the same thing. So I could become a copycat of what they were saying and believing them to be stable I would then project myself as `stable`. There is a large fear within me of being kicked out of desteni, resulting from this point of being a copycat and not living for and as myself...that is why I am here now typing this out because I will no longer participate in that.

To put this into perspective in the banksy movie, the main person that they were documenting was a person who only video taped everything and gained knowledge of how to move around in the underground graffitti movement. He then started to do the same things that he learned from others. He started to make his own stencils from no orginality, his origin was not from himself. His orgin was from how he saw others and how he could obtain that by doing exactly the same thing. He then put on a gallery in which he only wanted publicity...that was his priority. I have a large fear to him and his actions because I saw that as me and I saw that as how I have been. I connect the dots only now. Connect the points. I have defined this as being a leech. And that is how I see myself as being a leech off of others words and actions so that I could stand as I saw them = being stable. What the person in the movie did was ruin the underground graffitti movement by making it mainstream and `selling out` because he made millions off of shit that he threw together. This is what I see myself potentially doing in that I hae obviously misled myself in using the desteni material within becoming SELF and not others....not conforming. So who am I within my participation in desteni...a leec. Using other peoples words and actions calling them my own.

No wonder I have lost myself...I have become everyone that has been in my environment. Within this I have not been living what is best for all but what is best for me as personality as ego, as what I want myself to believe that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to COPY others words and actions and use them as my own to establish a belief for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation from others for my own beliefs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in my participation in what is best for all by masking it in doing what is `best` for me as ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself participating as myself in what is best for em as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy others actions so that I can project myself as stable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy other actions and words so that I can decieve others into believing what I want them to believe as what I want myself to believe that I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live as myself as life. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life as all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in trying to be something that  I believe I want to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be an activist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being an activist as a benificial things - benevolent thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I see and like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do what I like. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in likes form a mind starting point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become that which I like. To rephrase that...I hae become that which I see and like. If I see someone wearing skinny jeans and I like that I now leech off of them and buy a pair of skinny jeans so that I can become them. That is what has happened in my participation in desteni. The starting point is to become superior to become like not to many have been. To become like bernard. To become a portal, to become something that I see and like, from becoming a perspective from and as the mind/ego.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to participate in desteni as myself as life for the purpose of solving this situation on Earth. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to become life as myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a projection of what I like.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live myself as life as all = equally.

Again I have been writing this down because I am no longer standing as the fear of myself in who I have become. I will no longer accept the fear of fucking up desteni by not living the principles of what is best for all and equality and oneness. I no longer accept the fear of who I am = allowing it to limit my expression.

Sleep and Distractions

I slept for 12 hours today. I was planning on sleeping for 4...yesterday as I went out for a cigarette I thought about sleep. I thought about how I would apply myself within sleep. I was thinking about how I have been effective for sleeping no more than 6 hours a night for 5 days, within this the thought came up of since I have been effective I must now be uneffective*. And then a fear arose within me of sinse I thought that thought it has the potential to manifest. I was talking to myself saying no I will sleep only 4 hours and use breath to wake me up and move myself. I got tired around 10:30 and started to lay down and watch videos. I set my alarm clock for 2:30am and fell asleep. I do not remember exactly turning it off when it went off all I know is that I did. I remember pressing the button to stop it but I do not remember any thoughts that were going in my head and obviously I did not use my breath to wake myself up. When I did wake up I was unhappy with myself in not waking up from sleeping 4 hours. This is a point of judgment and expectations. I expect myself to sleep that amount of time. I have not looked at it. I was unaware of myself stopping the alarm and falling back  to sleep. I did this unconsciously. I am not sure why this was for, I do not think I needed the sleep, My cold has seemed to disappear, I did not feel completely fatigued. It was a point where I did not stand up in. I did not create a point to actually wake up. I allowed myself to sleep in and access my unconscious to allow myself to further sleep without being aware of my actions so that I wouldn't have to `take responsibility`.

After waking up and going through the routine, I went on the internet to check up on I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a baby and to fear being treated like a baby. Right now Mymom is speaking to the dog in a baby voice, and I am having a reaction of I fucking hate that tonality. Because I do not want to be treated like a baby and I dislike it because Parents have allowed a belief that one is superior to a baby because they cannot understand them. Fuck I hate that shit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from babies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more than a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear patronization. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being babied. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be loved like a baby. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse of life through allowing inferiority and superiority beliefs and constructs.
Back to the topic. I have been playing Runescape and I want to Run Escape from this world by playing video games. I want to escape from myself by/through playing video games. I have been distracting myself with these video games from my life. I was watching a video and trying to read while playing this game and it is not effective in any way. What was interesting is that as I tried to open up a link from the ITD program is asked me to log off the game so that it could open up the link. I declined and tried to find a solution around this. So I am not willing to give up the game because it gives me something to focus on instead of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face my hate for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and escape from facing myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself and stand here looking inwards and facing myself as what I have become. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have become. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move through and face that which I have become re-moving myself to acting within what is best for all. Obviously video games are not useful in anyway and only exist as a distraction point for many people.