Mar 21th 2011 5:27am
I have been allowing myself to participate within ego again. I was just participating in it this morning and fighting with myself to remove it until I realized that I am not it. I am not within my mind I am here. I feel disgusted that I have allowed myself to place myself within a more than role, it is something that does not need to be done and I do it because I `feel good` about myself for something that I have defined myself as. For example if I believe that I have written something `worthwhile` through that belief I make myself believe that I am of worth, and place myself in a position of some worth, if I do not write for a few days I then start to feel of no worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself of a measurement of worth
I cannot measure my worth
worth is an idea of the mind based on something defined as `valuable`
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stabilize myself here when writing
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to place myself here while I write
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write to value myself
When I write I place myself here feeling each key stroke to stabilize myself here within the physical.
I am not of the ego
I am not what I think I am
I am not this value and/or worth I have defined
This point bothers me as I get a feeling of disgust because I know that I have not honoured life.
I looked back at my writing from the day before about the suffering of an apple and I realized that it was out of ego, that it was resonating ego. I did not enjoy that realization because I know that I am not more than anything, I know that it really has of no worth or value. “So I have answered the question as I am equal to the apple as life as a being that can feel. “ Within those words…I re-wrote them on the blog post because I knew what I did…It obvious resonates a placement of being more than.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego.
This point I know is of ego because I was thinking about that for some time, believing it to be a good question, holding onto it to fuel my ego, and as I posted it to I was looking for a response. So all of those things I noticed yet did not `register` in a sense of exactly what I was doing so I allowed myself to post it not allowing myself to become aware of the fact that it was out of ego.
I stop allowing myself to post out of ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write to be seen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write out of ego
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to write to share myself
I start here writing to share myself.
Showing posts with label Worth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worth. Show all posts
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
A Deeper look at Working and Awareness within
Mar 14th 2011 3:30am
I got off of work and I am here with my body and I am quite exhausted. I am breathing and my physical needs rest. So I am here resting, sitting down and watching half assedly a movie, as I am now more attentive to the writing. So this is what I have been allowing myself to do. My breathing within work was ok for the first bit, well not my breathing but my lack of thought., it was non-existent for the first 2-3 hours then I fell into thoughts as I was placing myself within music and ego projections and backchatting. So after that I am now a bit physically exhausted. Now I do do a lot of physical work within that job, so I mean, I can get exhausted…I am not tired sleep wise, I just need physical rest. This is interesting because sometimes I feel like this from my other job and then I will push myself to keep going and go to the library and not allow my physical to rest, as there is not really a comfortable place at the library to rest. There is a lot of lifting within the job that I came from, my arms are tired as well as my legs as I move constantly for 5 hours, and then within my next job I will be constantly moving for 4 hours, constantly standing on my feet. This is a terrible way to make a living, terrible way to live…either we are sitting at a desk for the day or are on our feet for a day, each is not helping the human physical body, this world is created to place stress on every individual so that we exist in that state of stress only worrying about our own life not allowing ourselves to consider all life on this planet, this is from what I have experienced. So Stress is something that needs to be moved past by everyone, and most of this stress is fear of death, fear of loss, fear of survival, in which I have realized does not matter, because it is either going to happen or not, this fear has no use within life, it is only a fucked up point, I mean I can fear losing my job all I want it is not going to change the fact of me losing it or keeping it, therefore fear is purposeless, it is irrelevant to reality, fear does not exist within reality.
Anyways I placed myself within music and not within the physical within breath, so yes music is a distraction point from facing myself within work. I was looking at why I want to distract myself from work, and I came to a point of not wanting to face the fact that I have to work/ do that job to survive, that what I am doing has been valued….now that I look at it it angers me. The value is all placed on looks, on some fucking design, some type of deception….I have to front face at work, and this I really want to escape within because it is so pointless as it is only for a look, it is for the store to look for hiding the empty space behind it, and this is valued within society enough to give money to me for doing it, and I am actually valued less than this point…I as life in this fucking world am valued less than a deceptive point of a look. Meanign that if I do not do this I do not get money, I am not able to support myself thus I am valued less, because in order for me to survive, in order for me to keep living I must do some basic dumb fucking task to get money. The task is valued as money, not me. That is disgusting! The task gets value attributed to it, not me. I must perform the task, and if I do not I get fired and thus no money, no life. I am one and equal to/as the task I realize this yes, it is not separate from me, but the point still remains that if I do not do this task my life is not supported, I must support this task to support myself, and the fact still remains as well that this task is all about a look, that a look that I can create is valued more than myself as breath as without myself doing this task I am not supported as life within/through money. The look, the task has a value to it, as the company values the look, not the life creating the look.
I got off of work and I am here with my body and I am quite exhausted. I am breathing and my physical needs rest. So I am here resting, sitting down and watching half assedly a movie, as I am now more attentive to the writing. So this is what I have been allowing myself to do. My breathing within work was ok for the first bit, well not my breathing but my lack of thought., it was non-existent for the first 2-3 hours then I fell into thoughts as I was placing myself within music and ego projections and backchatting. So after that I am now a bit physically exhausted. Now I do do a lot of physical work within that job, so I mean, I can get exhausted…I am not tired sleep wise, I just need physical rest. This is interesting because sometimes I feel like this from my other job and then I will push myself to keep going and go to the library and not allow my physical to rest, as there is not really a comfortable place at the library to rest. There is a lot of lifting within the job that I came from, my arms are tired as well as my legs as I move constantly for 5 hours, and then within my next job I will be constantly moving for 4 hours, constantly standing on my feet. This is a terrible way to make a living, terrible way to live…either we are sitting at a desk for the day or are on our feet for a day, each is not helping the human physical body, this world is created to place stress on every individual so that we exist in that state of stress only worrying about our own life not allowing ourselves to consider all life on this planet, this is from what I have experienced. So Stress is something that needs to be moved past by everyone, and most of this stress is fear of death, fear of loss, fear of survival, in which I have realized does not matter, because it is either going to happen or not, this fear has no use within life, it is only a fucked up point, I mean I can fear losing my job all I want it is not going to change the fact of me losing it or keeping it, therefore fear is purposeless, it is irrelevant to reality, fear does not exist within reality.
Anyways I placed myself within music and not within the physical within breath, so yes music is a distraction point from facing myself within work. I was looking at why I want to distract myself from work, and I came to a point of not wanting to face the fact that I have to work/ do that job to survive, that what I am doing has been valued….now that I look at it it angers me. The value is all placed on looks, on some fucking design, some type of deception….I have to front face at work, and this I really want to escape within because it is so pointless as it is only for a look, it is for the store to look for hiding the empty space behind it, and this is valued within society enough to give money to me for doing it, and I am actually valued less than this point…I as life in this fucking world am valued less than a deceptive point of a look. Meanign that if I do not do this I do not get money, I am not able to support myself thus I am valued less, because in order for me to survive, in order for me to keep living I must do some basic dumb fucking task to get money. The task is valued as money, not me. That is disgusting! The task gets value attributed to it, not me. I must perform the task, and if I do not I get fired and thus no money, no life. I am one and equal to/as the task I realize this yes, it is not separate from me, but the point still remains that if I do not do this task my life is not supported, I must support this task to support myself, and the fact still remains as well that this task is all about a look, that a look that I can create is valued more than myself as breath as without myself doing this task I am not supported as life within/through money. The look, the task has a value to it, as the company values the look, not the life creating the look.
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