2012 Moving myself

Moving myself to get things done requires no involvement whatsoever in energy. I have been writing and writing and writing myself out each morning about my point of myself giving up each night and not being diligent and self-willed to get my homework done, to start to work on the assignment, this also leads to a point of doing things for rewards instead of doing them for me, but more on that another time. I tell myself in the morning that I am going to be self-willed today and work on the things that I have been putting off. That never happens, I get home and decide to watch funnies, entertain myself, and involve myself with the pursuit of happiness.

This pursuit of happiness has allowed me to continue the way that I have been approaching myself in being self-willed. My pursuit of happiness has been the point in which I allow myself to give up, give up myself being directive. I give up being diligent in my realtiy for happiness. The point of happiness goes like  this. I will get home sit down do the minimum that I need to do in order to maintain my reality with desteni and with the other things all the while backchatting about being diligent and within that using energy to maintain myself in the point of illusioned standing. I will then get all of my minimum daily requirements done and then look at the point of pushing myself to be more effective with myself through doing more than the minimum requirements of myself and decide against it pursuing happiness of my own accord.

What has to be approached here is letting go of the pursuit of happiness. I give up for happiness because  I see no happiness in doing the work that I must or in educating myself, although I enjoy it, I see no `happiness` within it and within the pursuit of happiness I then ignore doing what I have to do, and create excuses and justification as to why I should give up and why giving up is a good idea. Happiness here is from the perspective of that smile or laughing or spending, where ebing diligent is sitting with myself here creating myself in new ways in order to learn the material presented here in this reality...happiness is from the perspective of staying in my comfort zone, where diligence and dedication to myself is moving away from my comfort zone. 

In working on my English or desteni or writing a blog or making a vlog I must be here directing myself, not searching for a reward system of/as happiness and a `job well done`. My movements and actions must be for myself in what is best for me, not attempting for a point that I am separating myself from, for example I will reward myself with `downtime` when posting a blog, allowing myself to reward myself thinking I have done a good job and allow myself to move into energy and create an abundance of energy in relation to posting a blog, and from that ignoring myself here.

Thus the pursuit of happiness is quite fucked up. I am not happy I am only dumb. What I participate in in order to maintain my happiness keeps me in my limited shell, thus happiness is limitation from myself as life, thus in order to get shit done I have to let go of my want for happiness, place myself here and fucking do it simply, creating a starting point of myself and not for the search of happiness and letting go for any want or requirement for/as happiness in my life. 

Dedicating myself, and stopping

Mar 18th 2011 3:58pm


It is all up to me and my dedication. Today I was making sure that I participated here and removed emotions and feelings when the point stopped, meaning I would participate in a smile or an energetic when talking with someone and remove that immediately. I noticed that for the most part I used sadness to remove and not caring to keep myself directed. Meaning not caring about the people or things going on around me, kept myself focused on myself here, and directed myself within breath. I would have usually focused on things happening around me that I was not involved and backchat my involvement. So I kept a demeanor of not caring and that helped. I did not think about another person, kept myself here focusing on myself. The dedication and discipline point here is not allowing myself to continue participating in that energetic reaction within happiness or positivity but removing that immediately once the interaction has gone. With which I used sadness to remove it…or it felt like sadness, I mean if one were to come down from any type of happiness wouldn’t it feel like sadness. I am using the example of my blood sugar levels. Sometimes I am too high for too often and when I come down to normal it feels as if I am at a low blood sugar level when I am not, so I see this as applicable, to that situation. And I kept myself focused on myself, to not strafe away from myself by participating in thoughts and projections and backchatting towards my surroundings. I find that the method of completely stopping myself and then directing myself when a point comes up meaning I stop the emotions directly after I experience it and re-direct myself from myself participating in what I want to participate in not reacting to the point. So I was dedicating myself to stopping the participation within the energy today and this dedication was firm, I see now that it needs applying here as well, as I am allowing myself to move myself away from realzing that I am here breathing to thoughts and ideas and projections = backchatting

I see now that again I am placing happiness a positivity an idea of `success` within this post so fuck that...It works to stop it like that simply. Meaning the paragraph I wrote above is how it works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an idea of `success` to define myself as.
I am still here, still the same.

Whole Hearted Motherfuckers

Feb 28th 5:41am 2011


I just looked at the word environment and saw the word Iron within it. I related this to knowledge of the Earth’s core being 95% Iron. So I related this to me being 95% affected by the environment. Bullshit connection but it is applicable. We are completely Affected by the environment we grow up in. This environment is disgusting. As a child we are force fed happiness and love and light and positivity with media. Tv shows are always happy and related to happy experiences and Male tv shows – from my experience – of playing the part of the hero eg: power rangers. I then grew up believing in light love and happiness and positivity, always searching for that positivity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search the world/environment for positivity. I was searching for positivity in a world where nothing is positive whatsoever. In reality everything is `negative`. A relationship is not blissful, it is ignorance. Ignoring the fact that it will not and cannot last in reality. It will inevitably break, and if one exists in positivity within participating in a relationship one is absolutely delusional and ignorant of the fact of reality. Sure some marriages stay, but again it is through negativity, it is out of fear of financial Stability, It is a manipulative point of getting what one wants, a fear of `being alone for the rest of your life`, and we all do this knowingly, yet we purposefully blind ourselves with ignorance and the idea of bliss, when in reality we are all fucking disgusting and self-interested and a relationship is only manipulative of self and/or the other person to get what we desire which is sex. I have done this myself where I have purposely manipulated myself within allowing myself to create a relative point within me so that I could relate to the other to then establish a relationship and then get what I desired which is sex…quite disgusting and ugly. There is a replay of a memory of a co-worker telling me that another co-worker has defined my writings as `dark`. Fuck…it is the true nature of us, investigate yourself in honesty and you will see some ugly disgusting shit as yourself….we all exist as this, and that is why the world is in the situation it is in right now. Investigate yourself in honesty and stop fearing yourself, it will only cause a large event to happen to yourself wherein you will have to face yourself in honesty of what you have really become, and if you are still believing yourself to be positive, and happy, and a `good person` in that moment you will throw up at realizing yourself.

So we are influenced heavily by our environment and that is why we become what we have become, as our environment is disgusting and we are hiding from what we really are through entertainment and distraction. We rarely see the actually rapacious nature of ourselves in reality, and therefore we hide from it and exist in ignorance of ourselves, thus believing ourselves to be positive and beings of `whole heartedness, love, light, happiness`. It is al bullshit when in reality we have destroyed ourselves and the environment and abused life and ourselves with self-interest in trying to hold onto that belief that we are happy and good whole hearted motherfuckers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the human is a benefit to life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the true nature of myself as human

I stand here in honesty in realizing myself as the true nature of myself as evil, as hellish, as destructive, as rapacious to understand myself so that I may never allow it to again exist as me as reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself blissful so that I may ignore and hide from the true nature of/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a good person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from the true nature of what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid at all `costs` facing myself in reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend money to keep myself dumb and happy and ignorant to the fact that I am an `ugly` being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cost myself my life in ignorance

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal to all life allowing myself to see the true nature of myself as a human in what I have accepted and allowed within this world that is destructive, abusive, rapacious, harming, murdering all life forms on/as this Earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from the true nature of myself as being rapacious, destructive, harmful to all life on this earth, through believing myself to be good, and creating the pursuit of happiness.

A Smile, Sm(LIE)

I Smile When I meet strangers, I smile to place a perception of myself as positive, and accepting of the other. I am dishonest to myself in this moment. I am not happt to meet the other person, I want to seem like I am. so I lie to myself with a smile. I lie to myself by smiling making myself believe that I am positive within that moment. I make myself believe that I am positive, so I put on a lie of myself as a smile.

When I meet someone I usually start with a smile and a hello, greeting them and putting off an expression of acceptance of them, where in I am mostly judging or comparing myself to them. I smile at strangers so that I see myself as positive and accepting of them which is not the reality of me. The reality is that I am subjective of who I allow within my reality, and that I will not simply accept anyone, so I lie to myself with a smile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself by smiling at people, making myself believe that I am a positive being.

Many people do this. I notice at work whenever co-workers meet we will smile and say hello, each and every time, this happens thousands of times. Happiness and a smile are usually lies to ourselves. Rarely have I ever been genuinely happy. I mostly use a smile and happiness within energetics to place myself within the positive polarity to make myself happy and forget that this world is dying and I am responsible for it. I smile to show acceptance, yet it is all a lie, it is a want of acceptance from myself to myself. That I desire to accept myself through another's opinion of myself through a smile back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require anothers opinion of myself to stand on.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand for myself in each moment.
I forgivemyself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as myself free from opinion and judgment of myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to simply stand for/by myself.

As well this happens within a friendship. Most friendships are started this way which is through a smile and a positive greeting etc. Therefore all friendships are deceptive in nature. Therefore all friendships are dishonest. When in a friendship I will follow along with all others. I will place myself as one as a group, not one within a group. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as myself within a group.

My friendships have always started with a polarity as a smile. I then allow myself to believe that I will be happy being around this person...which is definately not true in anyway, and is only deceptive unto myself. We all search and give off that shit. Within and as a lie as a smile.

2 Year Time loop

The specificity of the 2 year Time loop Feb 10th 2011 5:18am


I woke up today for work and I took a piss and found a wet spot on my boxers. I thought this was from me spilling water that I drank as soon as I woke up. I touched it and felt it, and it did not feel like water. I thought that I pissed myself but again it was too small. I then came to the conclusion of having a wet dream. Now last year at this point within my process, I had my first wet dream as I was not masturbating and I was constantly thinking about sex. Same point here. So there had to be a release somewhere. This is quite specific and shows me exactly where I am within the time loop. At this stage last time I continued to search for that happiness and love and bullshit and light, and bliss and forget about everything…which I did create for myself. I went into that position and lost where I was before that only now coming out of the haze. I am glad for this point as I now know that a point that is coming is the want of bliss within my life…yet I have been cutting out all happiness, so I am definitely ready to face that point. I have been not allowing myself to participate in the energetics of happiness, and I have stopped deluding myself within the belief of love and the search for love. I have started to participate more effectively within removing contructs and points within me that I have been accepting and allowing that I have within been allowing myself to not focus on myself and the situation of this world.

The specificity of this is really quite interesting. As I have worked at the same exact job as I was 2 years prior. I moved out, It have had thoughts of moving back in with my mother, to which I know will allow me to be more effective if I pay her and take responsibility monetarily to live here, but I am also content at where and how I am living on my own. That point I just realized. And I know now where that will lead me as I see the pattern. So the specificity of the time loop shows me where I am and where I must go. I have been allowing myself to fall on this point of doing everything for myself…meaning going to a Laundromat and doing my own laundry and establishing an internet connection at my place or creating an effective internet usage for myself. The time loop within this point was that I moved back to my moms house and was not working, and was living off of her and relying on her to take care of me, then the conflict started to rise allowing myself to get kicked out. And the time loop before that was again conflict and me getting kicked out to my dads, where again I was not working, smoking weed all day, and not taking responsibility for myself.

Simply I know what is going to come within the pattern and what I must do to remove this pattern. There still is one more year within the time loop, so interestingly enough there are points that are still going to come or will come in a year from now. It seems as though the points have compounded and are here now, instead of within the future. Ah ok so I understand that the process reversed. The love and light shit I am moving through now and taking care of now, whereas I am only starting to remove myself from ego and starting to focus on the world and not my world. To which 2 years ago it was reversed.

Sorry, let me explain the wet dream shit. When this point happened last year it was my first wet dream. It was quite memorable, and it is flagged within my memory. And this point is coming again. The same `playing field` exists. So now that I have had a second wet dream in my life there is only one other point that I can place it within which is what I was facing a year ago. Now that I have gone through that point and fallen on it, finding out the consequences I am ready to face this point now, through living through it and experiencing it , thus knowing it. The exact same physical play-out is manifesting in my reality through as me and I know that I am responsible for it.

So through experiencing exactly what happened 2 years ago and `knowing` that there is a time loop, I can find out what is happening in my reality and I can see how I am creating it. So I am creating this point because I am allowing myself to go into happiness and bliss within my mind hoping and desiring for a relationship to experience that eternal bullshit and obliviousness, as well as thinking about sex frequently, I am re-creating this point now, and it is interesting because if I fall on this point I allow myself to fall into my mind and focusing only on my own bliss when the world is compounding the hell existent, which is the entire time-loop of myself, and it going in reverse is the compounding of it. Because if I `fall in love` *resistance to typing those words* then I will not be focusing on the reality of this world and thus fall on that point as well.

So simply focus on this world and research this world instead of following my desires/wants.

Letting go of Anger and Happiness.

I have been able to get over anger easier in the past few days. I would in the past sit on anger and blame all others for my own anger. The past few days I was feeling very aggitated because of my own actions and occurances within my own life.

One example is at work. I was cutting open a skid, and the skid had some product removed from it.  I thought nothing of it but when I did open it everything started to fall. Some milk spilt....lol crying over spilt milk. And other product fell and broke and I had to clean it up. I thought that one of my co-workers opened and removed the product from the boxes. I immediately blamed others for what I went through. The reality was that this was my own fault and no others. I was backchatting after this happened, and `dealing` with my anger through that. I noticed myself participating in this and stopped it and forgave it. And was able to actually get rid of the anger with using breath and forgiveness. I was trying to not take responsibility for this by thinking of smoking. I stopped that and took responsibility for my own anger and let it go. This was all related to time and work. I Was stressed that this event took up time and that I had to use all of my time effectively and that this event took away time. I was stressed that this would affect my job, and that my manager would look down on me for not getting my work done and `trust` me less to do my job. I was able to let all of this go by taking responsibility for this.

The second time I got angry was the day after. Everything was going `wrong`. I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. The sidewalks were not plowed. All of this was leading up to being late to work and again I was stressed about the whole responsibility for work. I was having trouble letting this go. I then started to do a recording. And within doing that  Iwas able to see everything that I was holding within and not allowing myself to see clearly. Again usually I would allow myself to exist in anger for hours and it would compound.
These are examples of how I have been able to now allow myself to let go of anger.

Recently I have been taking on my happiness. I am addicted to happiness. Each time I talk to a person or communicate I try and gain some type of happiness from that experience. I am always making light of a situation...=consciousness. Anyhow, what I have been doing within work is letting go of that energy immediately. I will talk and laugh with a co-worker and then immediately let it go. I have allowed that situation to replay within my mind thousand times over so that I could become happy and happy and ahppy and happy. I have been stopping this as happiness has allowed me to take myself away from what is real. Away from what is actually happening in this world, and my constant search for it is abusive unto myself. Fidelis said in a video that he uses the past to look for happiness within the present, this is exactly what I do, I do it with the immediate past and any other situation that has made me happy that I have locked into place within my mind. So I have been stopping this as it is a must.

When Ido this I have that energetical feeling within me and I breathe and `dispell` it immediately. I do not allow myself to sit on that feeling thus allowing myself to retain this happiness and `psychotic` smile upon my face. It literally is psychotic because I am smiling at nothing, only what is existent within my mind, it is not being here. Slowly I am applying myself in not participating in these happy conversations. I find it hard as it is an addiction. Slowly but surely I will get this done!

Relatonship, Memories and How I have devoloped.

Ok so what I have related all of this to is the fact that as a kid, I was beat physically. From that point on, there were compounding thoughts from that one moment of being inferior, orsituations where I would allow myself to believe that I was inferior to the other or the situation. When existing in inferiority one is existing at that one side of the polarity. I have constantly allowed myself to feel inferior and express inferiority, I have been constantly through out my life questioning my self value in compared to another. I would question my own answer because another said a different answer and I would value their answer over my own = Inferiority, and non-existent self-value. I allowed myself to believe that I was inferior to my MOTHER, that word is key, for her beating me, I felt as if I had absolutely no power. So in past relationships I have given up all of my power, decisions, my own answers and directed myself through/as the other being because I felt inferior to them, allowed myself to express inferiority, and gave up my power of self, to my own inferiority…I did not give up my power to `them` I can only give it up to my own inferiority. What this Happiness shit and desire for a girlfriend is supported by….It is fascinating how intertwined all of this is….perfectly systematically implanted, through experiences. ..the media and love movies….when I watched a love movie, I allowed myself to feel the emotion that was implied…again there it is a feeling based on an interpretation = thin air = nothing…and I enjoyed that feeling of love…Ah it was called love but all I saw was happiness, so I started to believe that Love was happiness, that it brought great happiness, and so therefore within existing in inferiority for most of my life, I started to think that having a relationship would get me out of this feeling of inferiority, by making me happy…from the perception of polarity….so I started to desire a relationship, girlfriend to support me as inferiority, as me seeing that they are superior to me and capable of supporting me emotionally….That what a relationship has been for me a desire for support EMOTIONALLY, where I believe myself to be inferior and me seeing them as superior/stronger can help me out of the slump of depression that I would exist within, I would want them to `cheer me up`, there is the reliance of support within having a relationship/agreement.

So through my mother beathing me as a child, I then came to rely on my mother..as memory comes up where she tried to throw me on my bed out of anger, whips me by my arm and I am unable to hold myself up…my knees collapse, and I hit my back on the bed frame…within that moment I was extensively hurt, and my mother coming to her `senses` rushes to me and holds me trying to sooth me, this was a bundle of afuck up, as within that moment a person who I relied on `betrayed` me by physically hurting me, and then within that moment I was looking for soothing, some comfort, and I got it from the person who `betrayed` me, so growing up there was a large hate towards my mother, I felt very confused towards her….In the ages of 13-16 I swore extensively at her, I loathed her to no limit, I forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to abuse another with my words. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express hate/anger within words. I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately try and hurt another with my words. AS well in that span of time I resisted every touch of hers, I hated her touching me, I resisted it entirely/completely. Each time that she would touch me, I felt a sharp pain…I created a sharp pain wherever she touched me, If she hugged me I would be paralyzed like in that moment when she tried to sooth me and would not move, not hug her back, I put up with the hug until it was over…feeling disgusted during the hug. It came to a point where if she tried to touch me I would dodge her touch, I would physically resist that touch, and move away from her hand, and literally dodge myself out of the way of her hand, so that she would not touch me, because of that pain that I manifested each time she touched me. So I have existed as this inferiority in relation to my mother, and I have allowed this to stick with me through out my life. So within existing in inferiority I have existed as sadness…a lot of emotions that are on the `negative` side of the polarity. I have accepted and allowed this within me. I have been searching for something to make me happy, so I have looked and searched for something else to make me happy, not taking resposibilty for my own unhappiness, blaming it on my mother for most of my teenage years. So I saw the solution of being happy having a girlfriend who would love me, and support me, through times of negativity, thus again separating myself from myself and not taking responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my umhappiness on my mother. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look outside of myself to replace the sorrow that I felt/feel. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto that feeling of inferiority throughout my entire life. …So this inferiority is related to my suicidal tendencies….as it has come from a point…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even now blame my mother for my inferiority, thus blaming her for my sucicdal tendencies. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still exist in inferiority in comparison to my mother. I am going to continue this, I started to rely on a relationship…any relationship to make me happy, I found that I can make myself happy by fantasizing but each time I would come into reality seeing that I do not have happiness in the form of a relationship and thus manifest more sadness, believing myself to be less than a relationship and this is why I do not approach women…FEAR. From watching movies I started to create those same situations within my mind revolving around my life, so that I would feel that happiness, I just got home from work and my mind is a bit fucked, Iwas not breathing correctly during work, no anger though. Getting beat ( I typed brat as a typo) as a kid, I allowed myself to install in feariority within me, I started to fear speaking out and sharing myself through fear of being hit, feeling less powerful then. Her being my mother = female in my life, I started to fear women, yet at the same time desire them. I need to start a new point

When desiring a relationship, I believe that it will bring me happiness, so when I think that someone coming into my life gives the opportunity to start a relationship with I start to fantasize about happiness, as I believe that having a relationship makes one happy, that having a relationship is complete happiness. So I have hated myself for a while, for not being who I want to be, for not being comfortable with myself around others, for all of these fears that I have. So I have developed escape methods and one is fantasizing about `positive` situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about happy situations to escape from myself hating myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for hating myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself, and to do what is best for me as life. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of happy/positive projections. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape the fact that I am uncomfortable with myself most of the time. Iforgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself, to give myself comfort.

To re-cap getting beat as a child allowed me to create a point within myself of inferiority towards others, as less then and I must be them, as I was beat for being myself for the most part, thus allowing myself to create a point of fearing being myself, thus creating the inferiority. I have existed as that inferiority for most of my life and within that have been constantly looking for happiness, been in the constant pursuit of happiness. As being raised in this system I saw love as complete happiness from fairy tales and kids movies, and at that point started to desire happiness in the form of love, thus then and there creating a point of desiring a relationship to make myself feel happy. Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to happiness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself have an idea of what happiness is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that I am happy, Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceice myself by making myself believe that I am happy. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my own movement and decisions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for validation of myself….I look a the clock/time/numbers to help me confirm myself, and recently this has stopped as I have been more stable as myself, and not looking for that validation but trusting myself to do what is best for me, instead of looking to be guided.

Who I am around other people

When I interact with another person, it is always a happy go lucky persona. I always want to smile and make others smile, it is an addiction to happiness. When Watching one of Bernard’s videos a while back he was talking about diabetics and their pursuit for sweetness/happiness and this obviously struck a chord within me. This is who I am around other people. I am a constant search for happiness and creating happiness around other people. It is an addiction to people and a `need` to be accepted. It is an addiction to being accepted so that I can create a relationship and then share myself with that person and then say this is who I am.

When around other people I tend to smile a lot and not take a lot of things seriously, so that I can play this happy persona and pretend like I am happy…what is this happiness, why do we all want it? Why!? Are we all addicted to happiness? Within me it is because that feeling, yet looking at that feeling it is psychotic, it is idiotic, what do you do when your happy? Acts all sorts of stupid. That is irrelevant. When I am around strangers I try and act as nice as possible, to support happiness and my ego. Within my ego I believe myself to be a `nice` person. I am not this `niceness` I am life. From watching Alex’s Guides interview I realized that I have been trying to still define myself around the people that I am comfortable with….That I am `real` when I am around certain people, which I still am not when believe myself to be that way around people I am familiar with. When I am around people that I know I am able to be much more honest, and real about myself…well actually no, I become more negative. When I am around people I know I am negative as I am positive when I am around strangers….I believe that I do not need to hold up that act of pretending to be nice and happy and joyful etc, so when I stop the act I well still act but on the other side of the polarity. I stop that act when I am around people that `know` me as personality, and still must get rid of all the energy by becoming negative.

When I talk to strangers I keep the conversation short and sweet…that is how I used to be. That is how I used to describe myself, I did not say a lot and was trying to keep the positivity around. And when I stopped that act the negativity came out. I tested this out today. I talked to a coworker about the book she was reading, at first I laughed at myself…I asked her what book she was reading and she answered…not knowing where to go from there I laughed and disregarded it, I used happiness to escape. I stopped this within the moment of silence and asked what it was about. I was trying to not smile within that moment and I realized that the answer is not trying to be or to not be but to simply listen and respond according to the words spoken and not intended….many people will laugh because they have a different belief of the intention of the words. I have done that…it is laughing out of fear of not knowing what they meant, so I laugh…to again escape the fact that I do not know and believe that I should know. Within listening there is no intention to be any thing, within listening one is able to actually speak from the conversation and not past knowledge and information, one is actually able to understand within actually listening and within listening all personas and personalities go out the window. It comes frm body language...when one starts to talk higher I see that as a joke, when lower I see that as serious, I can see the intention of the sentence about to be said and I prepare myself to act that way to be accepted and to comply with their bullshit.

I am not negativity or positivity I do not need anyone to support a belief of who I am, I am life in the physical I am not an idea of how I should be, I am not a need for happiness I do not need happiness, I have ears, I use them, I have a mouth I use it, I stand equal to my ears and mouth when communicating, I am not a minds perception of the words spoken. I am no longer accepting myself participating in ideas about what is said. I am not an idea of who I am, I just am life, I am living I am a being, I am not a personality, I am lfie here, I do not need to act nor am I an act, I am a blink, I am a breath, I am snot, I am a tongue I am not an idea that moves the toungue, I move the togue as the tongue as me

Pursuit of happiness = Bullshit

Recently I watched a Video by Bernard talking about pursuit of happiness, and a quote caught my attention, it was "diabetes is the pursuit of sweetness, sorry I mean happiness. Having Dieabetes I looked into this and noticed that almost all of my actigons and habits were based on happiness or the search for it. My attraction to other beings is certainly one that is from happiness, believing that happiness withh be a result of having a relationship. Happiness is jsut an energetic reaction to a situation. I have been watching tv recently and I have been reacting to that one moment in almost every movie where both people are smiling and `joking` around and they have established that trust within a relationship. My reaction to this to smile and be happy along with them, because I have created that reaction point within to go alonf with others when happiness is involved. When I feel that happiness, I am completely distracted from here, not being aware of myself, and I latch onto that feeling and hold it tight. I have allowed myself to participate in happiness a large amount of myself as time, and  have established a point where I move into happiness a lot. For instance I was thinking about smoking and got a bit happier within that moment because I would get what I wanted which would provide that experience of happiness that I gathered from being a kid. Interesting that  I want love and still want a relationship, so I belive that If I get what I want it will provide happiness. One point that I have noticed is that when I move for myself as myself for what is best for me I enjoy myself much more! There is no Energetic happiness it is a gratefullness for myself within moving myself for what is best for me!

Most Miserable City in Canada

Least happy city in Canada


Toronto Was voted the most miserable, not voted but concluded upon, city in the country. Lets look at Toronto. It has roughly 1 million people living in the city. There are a lot of businesses, It is not self sustainable. Toronto Vs the Country. The country is open, the country, you can see a lot of nature. In a city one is bombarded with lights and advertisements, always looking for something to buy, being programmed to search to buy something. Being programmed to search outside of self with the use of money for happiness. No one is there to help, everyone looks out for themselves. Where is the enjoyment in that. When no one is around to help out one becomes depressed. Everyone is searching for there next paycheck, Everyone is in a rush to get the next paycheck, so no one is looking out for the neighbour. So when people help eachother out it is much nicer to live, because you are living with someone, you are not alone, which when one looks at it there are people all around us yet we believe ourselves to be absolutely alone, that everyone else is a stranger, they are stranger than you, do not speak fear them for their strangeness. Everyone is walking around for themselves. Anyhow Happiness is immeasurable, people are happy and sad, and when one has to constantly fight for survival because no one is helping then one will become frustrated, because we all like to be helped out in this world. I tested this out, In work I work alone and with people, I enjoy working with people because the more people working on a task the faster it goes and the more fun one has because you can help eachother out. When working alone it becomes much more stressful because one has to work out all problems alone and sometimes we do not give ourselves the insight we need because we are blinded by the stress and anger and frustration. That is why Toronto is the most miserable city in Canada, In an Equal money system everyone will be working for everyone=unlimited fun and joy and self-Expression.