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Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts

Monday, April 23, 2012

Desteni Farm and the Equal Labour System


Here on the desteni farm we all work together to get something done in order to improve the farm. In work at home I am only working in existing or myself because the job that I do is only for me, my money and my survival. Here it is not about survival it is about what is best for all, we have to labour for the best for the gardens, plants, animals, structures, humans, all life here that we deal with.

There is no profit motive for us to work. There is an understanding that if we don’t work then the farm here will be infested with weeds, the horses would not have enough food, the animals would be angry at us for not taking care of them, the plants would die out, not being able to provide food, the structures would start to crumble, it must be upkept. In this understanding we work together to maintain the place in which we all live and create it as a place that we all enjoy living within. We put in a collective effort to maintain and develop the farm. The girls work with the garden and plants, where the boys will work with the heavy labour, in this the boys build a garden and the girls will plant all the plants, both working collectively and both share in the rewards of the food grown or shelter built etcetera.

In comparison to my job where I work to survive within the matrix of the world, it can be argued that we all work collectively to get the job done but this is not in fact so. We don’t collectively agree to take a certain job because of a `fair` distribution of jobs, but we take them because they provide us the most money. In that we are actually fighting eachother, not working in agreement to work for the collective of the workforce. As well the job is based on a percentage rate, and the higher percentage you get above a base percentage the more money you get, so we all decide to fuck each other over because we are working in order to survive, not working in collective to get the job done, but always in competition with each other, which leads to extreme stress at times. For example at an office job and there is a promotion coming up and you and another have the opportunity to get the promotion, we stress ourselves out in order to get the promotion to receive more money, so that we can `live` a `better` life. Taking that into consideration, here we are working together so that we all live a better life, where in my job we all compete so that only a few can live a better life, which is not in consideration of what is best for all

The amount of work that we get done is phenomenal. Here we can see the results at the end of the day. We see the garden that has been rotovated, and we see the amount of work that has been put in, and with only 8 guys we have gotten more done with physical results than I have ever participated in. We all have specific jobs, same as the capitalistic system, that we work on and in the end bring it all together so that a project is finished for the whole of the farm. In the capitalistic system we all have specific jobs that we all participate in and in the end we do not benefit the whole but in fact destroy the whole through separation within/as our own greed of money and the necessity to survive in competition with others…simply look at the world and how it’s path is heading and you can see that we are in fact destroying the whole instead of working in agreement within equality and oneness that in fact support the whole to live within the best possible living standards/conditions that is possible in any given moment.

This is equal to how the Equal Money Labour system will work within the Equal Money System, Not working for Profit but for the consideration of the whole, because our living need will be met, thus we need no more than what we have, and when I say need, it is NOT bare minimum needs but a car, a computer, an internet connection, all that one in fact needs in this world. The only thing that is left is to work in agreement to maintain and expand ourselves within/as this world to make all life here expand equal and one with us as we expand when working together, for example in places where there is no infrastructure the motivation is not money but the need for infrastructure, thus the more people work on and agree that infrastructure is needed, the faster it will be developed. It is all based on the needs for people and self. In this all life here works together to make this world the best place in equality and oneness, not in separation from ourselves as our neighbours in how we are existing now. The Equal Labour system will in fact be enjoyable and one is allowed to work at one’s own pace without stress of having to survive within working, the job that needs to get done will get done through the collective participation in all that do in fact participate in it. For example my back has been an issue from working my job. When I got here, started working and felt back pain, they told me not to push myself because then I would compromise myself for the rest of the week/month. In my job I am still required to hit standards whether or not it compromises myself or not I am still expected to hit my standards and this is where the stress can come in as well, and we are all susceptible to this. Where in the Equal Labour System there is no need for profit on the whole so those who `employ` will have the best interest of the `employees` always in consideration without waver. This is why we must implement the Equal Money System, so that we are able to work together, but we also must stop the competition within ourselves, here we are working within a capitalistic system but we are not in competition with each other, we are working for the whole, not individual selves. Visit equalmoney.org, read the material, participate in the discussions and share your vote.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Polarity and Sickness


I recently was looking at how the body must regulate a temperature between, I am not 100% sure on the numbers, 95-98 degrees Fahrenheit. Then I was looking at the point f going too far in one direction or the other and effectively becoming sick. This was interesting to look at, as within the world humans are quite polarized between money = the rich and the poor, and it is obvious to see that the human has a sickness in fact, to such an extent that the human is sickness, we are disease.

So I have been moving up and down within polarity quite heavily for the past 2 weeks, polarity of deciding to do correspondence that I must get done to up my grades to go into post-secondary education, deciding to work on my DIP assignment, cleaning up the house, and taking responsibility for my reality. I have been polarizing that with `fucking off` and watching youtube videos for hours on end, with sleeping, with eating sugar, with not treating myself within the living fact of what is best for me. Within that I recently became quite fucking sick. I came down with a hoarse cough so much so that I my breathing has become wheezy, and have been feeling fatigued due to the sickness. Here is where the interesting part comes in. I, today, decided to push through much resistances, much `fucking off` that I have been accepting and allowing myself, and have pushed myself to take responsibility for my reality and get my ass back in alignment, and to stop going too far within the polarity. I have been working on my English assignment for a few hours now, I have been pushing myself to do the things that I have been putting off, to fuck off, and get them done effectively. So right now, my sinuses are much more clear! My cough is not as hoarse! And my fatigue level is not relevant anylonger as I am just here writing, doing the things that I have been putting off I am not dreading doing what I have to = just doing it and within that fatigue is gone. I have `forgotten` about my cold. This is quite cool as the physical is showing me me, is showing how I create myself through what I accept and allow within/as myself and the manifested outcomes of said acceptance and allowance.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Lack of Fear Creates Enjoyment

Apr 7th 2011


Today at work I was working with the fear of time constraints, within the fear of being fired, fear of not having money and then the fear of death. The starting point here is fear of death then it grows outwards. During work I usually fear not being able to get done on time, within this I fear being incompetent, thus I then fear being fired, not having enough money and then dieing through lack of money. So today I was moving within/as these fears, when I realized I was doing this IS topped and moved myself for/as myself not caring whether or not I get the work done and removing that fear. I noticed that when I stopped this fear I starting moving a hell of a lot slower and started to breathe more, I became relaxed, my voice changed, my tone of voice changed, and all together myself changed. I relaxed myself and enjoyed myself. There was still backchatting going on, but it was not as hard to stop, as in work previously moving myself quickly trying to get everything done, I have eextensive backchat and I do not stop as I physically do not stop. I was able to stop the backchatting easier and I did not become frustrated with still backchatting. I slowed myself down entirely, and I did not get all of my work done. A starting point within this is asking to be cut. When I started I said if hours need to be cut I would not mind going home early, and within this I had no fear of losing money, I purposely placed myself within it. When I get cut I usually rush again and harder trying to still get everything done knowing that it simply is not possible. So I am going to apply this again tomorrow and stop the backchatting entirely. One way that I have found this helps is to fell the physical, is to purpose feel the physical placing myself on holding the broom, or mop handle and allowing myself to feel the movements. I enjoy the movements as I create them and I enjoy the flow that I can create with the mop. So there is a point that I can enjoy within work so I am going to place myself within that tomorrow and see how that goes, I am going to remove all fears, and am going to notice my backchat more and stop it placing myself within the physical and breathing. So I mean the interesting thing here is the fact that I went slow. I am intrigued by this. Because it is an expression of me. When I do not fear I slow down extensively. In everything that I do. When I was skateboarding today I met up with friends that I have consistently felt inferior to and within this I was rushing trying to run from the fear lol. So I realized this and placed myself as myself and enjoyed the movement more, yet I still accepted the inferiority and quickly again fell into that fear thus again attempting to run from it by pushing myself to skate `harder` same point within work, instead of facing the fear I push myself harder physically to escape the fear. As well I do not try `hard` tricks that I cannot land consistently, I like to do many tricks that I can land consistently to keep that flow `alive`. It is a lot more enjoyable that way because I can continue in motion instead of trying to trick and failing 5 out of 10 tries to which I then have to start the motion all over again. I enjoy keeping the motion alive and then trying a difficult trick eventually, not just jumping right into the difficultness. So yes I `fell`. I learned from it and I am going to skateboard for MY enjoyment, as I was skateboarding today I was doing tricks to be noticed as `skillful` rather than doing it for my own enjoyment of the activity. So simply I am going to skate for my enjoyment, not to be noticed as good or bad, Ah as well I noticed that I judged myself extensively while skateboarding in public, degrading myself for not landing a trick, so that other people will see me get frustrated and think that not landing the trick was acceptable through my frustration which I laugh at now. :) because it is ridiculous. I noticed that that is a main poijt for my while skateboarding which is doing it for attention :))) Quest to be seen = Quessy. So again my enjoyment does exist in this yet I am not allowing myself to enjoy myself and that is what I am going to place myself in doing in skateboarding from now on.

So In an equal money system People will simply Enjoy work!!! as there will be no fear

Monday, April 4, 2011

Stopping Backchat at Work

Apr 4th 2011 11:58


I find it hard to stop backchatting at work. I do not stop and take a breath I constantly push myself to keep working and within that constant pushing I do not stop the breathe. I do not stop the thought process until I get home and sit down and relax for a bit. I noticed today as well that I will always end up at sex or money and then I will judge myself and say stop or no. that judgment I am working on at the moment accepting the fact that I always end up thinking about sex or money. And it comes from any thought, I can think probably about anything and it will end up in sex. I think about one person and then it leads to another and eventually it turns into sex. And the money part is primarily about fear of lack of and I use backchat to try and equate the pattern but it never works out. I use backchat as well as a form of comfort by placing myself within my mind and thinking heavily about anything.

When I get home I stop. There is no fear here at home. I am not in a situation where I am expected to perorm or have to meet any standards or codes, I can be me and relax. So I am definitely tense at work. I am tense because I feel like I am being constantly watched and judged on my actions and my work `effort`. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my work effort. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my work effort to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I have written about this point before and still I have not followed through on this point so I am going to keep on investigating myself at work. I notice that I have to take it slow at work, calm myself down and breathe and remove the fear of being watched or seen doing my work and simply focus on my self working.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down at work, breathe and investigate myself stop, and focus on myself working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself while working within the fear of losing my job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing my job to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear.

Monday, March 14, 2011

A Deeper look at Working and Awareness within

Mar 14th 2011 3:30am


I got off of work and I am here with my body and I am quite exhausted. I am breathing and my physical needs rest. So I am here resting, sitting down and watching half assedly a movie, as I am now more attentive to the writing. So this is what I have been allowing myself to do. My breathing within work was ok for the first bit, well not my breathing but my lack of thought., it was non-existent for the first 2-3 hours then I fell into thoughts as I was placing myself within music and ego projections and backchatting. So after that I am now a bit physically exhausted. Now I do do a lot of physical work within that job, so I mean, I can get exhausted…I am not tired sleep wise, I just need physical rest. This is interesting because sometimes I feel like this from my other job and then I will push myself to keep going and go to the library and not allow my physical to rest, as there is not really a comfortable place at the library to rest. There is a lot of lifting within the job that I came from, my arms are tired as well as my legs as I move constantly for 5 hours, and then within my next job I will be constantly moving for 4 hours, constantly standing on my feet. This is a terrible way to make a living, terrible way to live…either we are sitting at a desk for the day or are on our feet for a day, each is not helping the human physical body, this world is created to place stress on every individual so that we exist in that state of stress only worrying about our own life not allowing ourselves to consider all life on this planet, this is from what I have experienced. So Stress is something that needs to be moved past by everyone, and most of this stress is fear of death, fear of loss, fear of survival, in which I have realized does not matter, because it is either going to happen or not, this fear has no use within life, it is only a fucked up point, I mean I can fear losing my job all I want it is not going to change the fact of me losing it or keeping it, therefore fear is purposeless, it is irrelevant to reality, fear does not exist within reality.

Anyways I placed myself within music and not within the physical within breath, so yes music is a distraction point from facing myself within work. I was looking at why I want to distract myself from work, and I came to a point of not wanting to face the fact that I have to work/ do that job to survive, that what I am doing has been valued….now that I look at it it angers me. The value is all placed on looks, on some fucking design, some type of deception….I have to front face at work, and this I really want to escape within because it is so pointless as it is only for a look, it is for the store to look for hiding the empty space behind it, and this is valued within society enough to give money to me for doing it, and I am actually valued less than this point…I as life in this fucking world am valued less than a deceptive point of a look. Meanign that if I do not do this I do not get money, I am not able to support myself thus I am valued less, because in order for me to survive, in order for me to keep living I must do some basic dumb fucking task to get money. The task is valued as money, not me. That is disgusting! The task gets value attributed to it, not me. I must perform the task, and if I do not I get fired and thus no money, no life. I am one and equal to/as the task I realize this yes, it is not separate from me, but the point still remains that if I do not do this task my life is not supported, I must support this task to support myself, and the fact still remains as well that this task is all about a look, that a look that I can create is valued more than myself as breath as without myself doing this task I am not supported as life within/through money. The look, the task has a value to it, as the company values the look, not the life creating the look.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Backchatting at Work and Co-workers

I have purposely placed the word `Co-workers` to invite and entice my co-workers to read this. My blog is an exposure of me showing the reality of myself to anyone who reads it myself included. It it is process of self-realization of who and how I have become what I have become, and an process of self-investigation, so yes there are topics in my blog which are the most intimate moments with/as myself. Read if you want
Enjoy

Feb 23rd 2011 11:15am


A co-worker today told me that he has been reading my blog. I laughed and was embarrassed as there is much personal stuff on there and felt very vulnerable in that moment. I have found out that other co-workers have read it as well. So looking at this, sure I am completely vulnerable through this and now I am going to have to watch what I say…It will never be about others but it could definitely be about my job.

I have been breathing and removing myself from backchatting today. I have been placing myself within the physical. I have in the past few days been very exhausted after work because of the backchatting that I have been doing while at work, so I decided to really push myself within this today. I was able to stop it quite frequently. I definitely did not stop it completely, I stopped it and was able to focus on myself within breath and within my body, and got out of my mind and the ideas and situations that I was creating within my mind. There was a long moment where I was getting wuite frustrated at myself for participating in backchatting and not stopping it. I would loop the fuck out of myself always participating in the past and observing the past which extensively fucked me up. I would think stop backchatting then look at that thought, think about the fact that I looked at the thought `stop backchatting` and this would lead into infinity and I would get completely frustrated for not stopping, and I would have to stop everything and just breathe or I would have gone fucking insane. This lasted until I realized that I have to completely let go of the backchatting and not judge myself nor look back and participate in the current moment the moment I breathe and completely let go of the backchatting that I was holding onto. This resulted in no frustration, I disregarded the past as the past and moved on within breath. This is helping me to not get angry and to not get frustrated about backchatting, believing that I must stop it. Instead of believing that I must stop it which infinitely loops me within the past, I actually stop it. Meaning I stop it within the breath and moment I become aware of myself backchatting, instead of believing that I must stop it, within believing that I must stop it I look at the past and judge myself within the belief that I must stop it thus infinitely looping me within the past. So I removed the infinite loop I was creating for myself and placed myself within the physical as breath each moment I caught myself, instead of worrying about what I have done in the past. So cool experience there, as I have stopped much of my backchatting, and cause of my frustration within my mind.

During the moment The co-worker told me he read my blog, I was quite nervous…and embarrassed, not being able to `hide` any longer. Not being able to hide the fact that I am part of desteni…which is quite cool as he actually looked into desteni, he said he watched anti-desteni and as soon as I heard the word desteni come from a person who does not participate in desteni, I was weirded out…lol. It was not `normal` to me, I have not heard anyone say desteni outside of desteni before with such non-chalance. So This shows that I am still living a `double life` where I do not incorporate both my personality and what I must do within the system and desteni as speaking about reality and truth, and what Really exists as this world as us as humans.

It was interesting to hear someone speak to me about desteni. After that happened I went into thoughts about how I must now watch what I say when blogging/vlogging, but I really do not. I have been allowing myself to write whatever and now only the information and knowledge that people in my direct reality are reading my blog in limiting me. So shows was knowledge and information does, it only limits ones ability to perceive reality.

I have been possessed by this point, Worrying what others at work are now thinking about me and there are a few things that I must realize. 1 I do not change through a different idea within another, meaning that just because another now `sees` `perceives` `thinks` about me differently, I do not change, I stay the same as the physical. If someone has a `new` idea about me it is just an idea, not real I stay the same as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an idea. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am physical here as all equal to all physical existence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to affect myself with thoughts.

2 Only I allow this affect to exist within me. I accept and allow myself to be affected by others thoughts through backchatting about the fact that others now `know` something `more` `different` about me. Backchatting about a belief that others may hold now towards me through knowledge information perception and judgment . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by others judgment, perception, knowledge, and information by judging myself, by creating a perception of myself and by defining myself through knowledge and information.

I am allowing myself to worry how I will handle this event, as many points about me are now vulnerable that I did not allow myself to expose unconditionally in every moment of and as myself. So be it. It does not matter, I will take the conflict if any exist, any judgment if existent, and handle it with self-honesty. That is all that I can do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to people. I forgivemyself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally expose myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from certain people. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create separate personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from/as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have created myself as personality. Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my/the environment for creating myself as personality. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as personality.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Not being Here within Work

This morning I found it incredibly hard to get up. I pushed the snooze button and was grateful for its existence. I was at the point of sleeping in more and then sleeping too much and then being late for work, so the snooze button was an excellent use in that moment. I got up after the alarm went off again and got up slowly. I made breakfast and knew that this day was going to be a difficult day for me because I was allowing myself to feel tired because of the physical movements that I had to do when I did not want to do them. I walked to work and within that I escaped the majority of the walk. I took myself out of the physical moment reality, and placed myself in a desired situation which was thinking about sleep and food when I were to get home. I got to work and was not wanting to be there in that moment, I was placing an idea of myself of wanting to sleep and to not want to be wherever I was within and as me. At work I was working incredibly slowly, very sluggish. Not try to do my work at all, simply accessing the system and program I was running within me and allowed it to run me, as I placed myself in a place that was not real within ideas and beliefs and ideal situations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to run a system and a program within me to not face myself in the moment here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an idea of myself of the current moment.


I was allowing myself to participate in this feeling through the anticipation of the physical movements that I had to do within the day. I was placing myself within walking back to my house, and placing myself within walking to the library, and placing the idea of myself as being weak within and as that, so I became very depressed and unhappy to have to do all of that. I was not placing myself within the moment. I was very sluggish and not caring about my work, not giving myself the energy to move through work. I ended up sleeping for a short while when working, so that I could lol not be here. The lol is because when I opened my eyes I thought…”right I am still here”. I was dreaming and placing myself in a different reality, and when I awoke I was not thrilled in realizing reality. I realized that I was still at work and that I had to do work. So I got up and started to do my work. A bit more energized yet still not happy with the fact of being where I was and not being in a place of comfort and one where I can relax myself physically.

I noticed that I was doing this and texted my mom to see if she could pick me up…As well I have been desiring for the spring to arrive so that I can either bike or skateboard to work…biking is a lot quicker, and I would simply enjoy skateboarding to work as I get to do tricks along the way. She said that she could and within that one moment of knowing that I went out of my slump. I realized that I knew that I would be `supported` within not having to walk. I was happy that I was helped out so I did not have to walk home. And in that moment everything changed which is interesting. I did not have to rely on myself any longer…literally rely on myself to move myself. I could rely on another being. I simply wanted to lay back and allow the world to move around me when I was not being here. Unfortunately I was allowing myself to not be here and willingly accepting that fact, instead of questioning it and looking at it in common sense. This is a point of not wanting to support myself again. I could have taken the bus but I do not enjoy the money factor of taking the bus, it would cost be either $60 or $100 a month for bus fare…60 for a pass and 100 if I were to not have a pass and free if I walk. This greed has to go and I justify it with I can have an extra 60 to spend on food or save. Pubic transportation needs to be free! I can either complain or take responsibility for this point…somedays I am fine with walking and feel up to it other days I simply to not. So the common sense point would to be to take the bus on days that I do not feel up for walking.

Anyways the whole point within this is the fact that I did not place myself here and I allowed myself to fantasize about being elsewhere, and that there are options that are available yet I allow the Mind Consciousness System to influence me and my decision instead of looking at the fact within common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here thorugh thinking about somewhere I would `rather` be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being here through placing myself as an idea of myself within a moment or situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of how I need/should be within a specific situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as that idea of needing to be/should be a certain specific expression within a specific situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within a system and/or program and run it within me so that I do not have to face this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse this world, this life, this existence through purposely not facing t.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself here.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Forgetting through participating in thoughts

At work today I started with breath. Meaning that I was able to stop thoughts and breathe with myself here and place myself within the physical reality and focus on cleaning. I was breathing and applying Self-forgiveness during the first part of my work, I was allowing myself to look at and face the majority of thoughts that were coming up and forgiving them and then applying myself back within breath. After time it slowly faded. At the end of my work I forgot everything, I forgot to breathe, I forgot who I was within each moment. This has been a pattern for a few days now. I used to just completely forget everything and go right into thoughts, so I am not facing myself equally in each moment.


I was remembering some points that I was going to write about at the beginning of my shift, by the end I had forgotten everything. This happened just because I participated in thoughts. I slowly kept on thinking about past events or future, I continued to project myself out from the physical existence. I thought about what I could do today and how I was going to control myself within the point I am taking on which is taking care of myself thorugh eating better and doing insulin. I was thinking about how to do this, only building up a positive energy base to then act up-on, and make myself feel better by believing that I am taking this on. So I got lost in positivity. Cool, as I now see it and I can cross-reference it aswell, as I know where I created that belief within myself of being positive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself believe that I am a positive being and happy, and loving, and blissful, when really I am existing in ignorance. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am only making myself believe that I am positive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am not positive.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Stress and Work

Stress within work


Watching sunettes video about stress a thought came up of “How can I do this during work”. This thought came up because Both of my jobs are time constrained and I must really rush myself in each moment to get things done…well that is how I have approached the problem. That is how I have become a solution. Each time I have worked before I created stress is that I would take it easy on myself and try and enjoy the time I have within breathing and moving and thinking within my comfort zone unfortunately. I would take my time and relax and enjoy but then I got written up for poor performance and I started to fear for my job fear for money so I started to rush myself to try and get the things that they ask me to get done. Both jobs this has happened where Time is being pushed and I am fearing for my survival more and more which is bullshit because death is much more pleasant then stress. So what has happened is that I have to rush now to try and get as much done as possible within the one job so that we make the `time` allotted to us. But what is extremely fucked up is that the store opens now a half hour earlier and it is Christmas time so we are getting more stock…we open boxes of clothes in the morning that are transported to the store, and are expected to get them all open and sorted in the time allotted, but they have given us more product to open and less time to open is and are still expecting us to get t done properly. And right now my survival is dependant on these jobs so I am obviously living this bullshit out that I have created. I have been wanting to experience what people have to go through so that I can and ezperience what they do. So I have now experienced the fear of surviving and what we do to push ourselves to force ourselves to make money to survive, Which is fucking crazy. So there is a lot of stress and I was thinking about how to apply myself within this and that is I must not care for 1 and just breathe and move for 2. I cannot judge myself based on how much I get done…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the belief of how well I work. I must realize and I will start to spply realizing myself within breath while working and write down any and all reactions to my job…believing that I can’t do it etc. Right now Even before I have tried I believe that I cannot do it because eof the personality that I move into and as as I participate in work. The grocery store job I must be absolutely effective in Directing myself in every moment to become effective in that job…that is how I can overcome and remove stress in that job. That will be interesting and I think I cannot have music with me to achieve that. Because my mind goes straight to the words within the song and I focus on that and not where I must direct myself in each moment. So that is how to do it I will apply myself tomorrow and remember to apply breath I each moment. I will start applying it within the walk to work and not stress about anything simply be here in the moment and direct myself accordingly. Ok so one thing that I have noticed that I have blamed it on is I inhale all this dirt and dust from the boxes and after a while my stomach hurts, but that could definitely be from the thoughts and the feelings f stress I put on myself because I have asked another and he said that he does not feel this. So it is me not the boxes. Anyhow after this feeling comes on I do not move myself as fast…I completely and utterly want to let go, want to stop working then and there. I feel physically ill and I do not want to continue with working with the feeling. So I will see what I am thinking whenI am working and write it down.